"Some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on
Some feel the heat and decide they can't go on
Some like it hot, but you can't tell how hot 'til you try
Some like it hot, so let's turn up the heat 'til we fry"

Part 3A

Dor looked out the Clinic window. It was a bright and sunshiny day. She moaned in agony.

"What?" The Nurse asked as she climbed out of bed wearing Tommy boxers and a Tommy T-shirt.

"Look outside! It's my wedding day! How could the weather do this to me?"

The Wench stirred in her Chintz sleeping bag. "Is it raining?" She asked as she got up, her hair and makeup perfect and her linen and lace nightgown without a wrinkle.

"I wish!" Dor complained as she stared gloomily out the window.

The Wench patted Dor's shoulder. "Maybe it'll cloud up, dear. Don't panic yet. The wedding isn't until tonight."

"I can always try a weather spell," Dor said.

"NO!" Darry and Dande shouted simultaneously, picturing a tsunami completely washing away the Campus.

There was a knock on the door. "Rise and Shine!" Came Donna's cheerful voice.

Dor moaned again. "I'm so glad I didn't get those 'Cheerful in the Morning' Wenchichlorians."

Meabh spoke from outside the door, "Open up! We have lots to do, Dor! Hair, manicure, pedicure, waxing! I found a beautiful deep black nail polish you're going to love!"

"Waxing?" Dor asked nervously. "That's going to hurt, isn't it?"

"No Shit." Darry answered as she opened the door and Donna and Maebh breezed in.

"I found an Empire Red you're going to love, Nurse!" Meabh said.

Dor looked back out the window and squealed in delight. "I see a cloud!"

The Wenches exchanged a look and Darry rolled her eyes as she picked up a French Vogue to read during her pedicure.

~*~

Back at the cottage Da Mastah poured very strong Irish Coffee into the three mugs. Pelham took one mug and took a delicate sip.

"Drink up," Qui said to the Lavender Lord. "It's going to be a long day."

"So, this is how a condemned man feels," Xanatos said flatly. "No where to run, no where to hide, just waiting for the noose to tighten around your neck and slowly and painfully take away your last breath as you gasp and kick hopelessly."

Pelham choked a bit on his coffee. "Yes, thank you for the memory, Xanatos."

Da Mastah sighed and put a straw in Xanatos' coffee and held it up so he could take a drink. "If you promise not to try to run away again, I'll unstaple you."

"I wasn't trying to run away, I was jogging."

"With a suitcase?"

"Damn! I knew that was a bad move. I should have just run for outer rim. I mean, it's not like I couldn't afford new stuff and......WHAT?" Xani demanded as he shuffled under two piercing glares.

"Xani, it's not the end of the world you know. It's just marriage." The Master remarked as he took a long draught on his mug of whiskey laced coffee.

Pelham choked loudly on his drink.

"Honestly Pel, how was it for you?" Xani asked as he continued to wiggle in an effort to loosen the Zima soaked staples and make an escape.

"My Lord, in my situation, death would have been preferable. In fact, it was preferable." Pelham remarked as he held his mug out to Qui-Gon for a refill.

Xani struggled harder against the staples.

"Now, calm down." The Master said soothingly. "Xani, you've known Dor for years. We've all known Dor for years, and we all know what a vibrant, if somewhat eccentric woman she is. It's not like you're marrying some courtier's princess daughter on Telos. You chose Dor."

Those were true and beautiful words, to be sure. But Xani noticed the Big Man was hoisting that mug a bit more often than usual today.

"Oh, really?" Xani asked with a suspicious look on his face. "And how did you feel on your wedding day, *Master*?" Xani asked, emphasis added.

"Well," QG began, a bit flustered. Just a bit, it would be hard to notice if you weren't a Jedi, or didn't know him very, very well. "Remember, Dande was....Pregnant.."

Xani scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I still can't believe that! Who would have thought that the Great Qui-Gon Jinn would knock up his Wench and then......"

"That's enough! I was...Away, Xani. Remember, I didn't know Dande was in a delicate condition until I returned from, well..."

"Until he came back from the dead." Pelham finished for him, as though it were a simple turn of events. "Hoy, mate. Filler up?"

Both Jedi stared at Pelham, shocked at his changed behavior.

"As I was saying..." The Master began again. "Dande was very pregnant and very emotional at the time. Things were...Difficult."

"You mean the Diva and the General ganged up on you." Pel muttered behind his mug.

Xani laughed. "Pelham, remind me to buy you more Irish Whiskey soon. I like this side of you." Turning to QGJ he asked directly, "So, enough with the preamble. How did you feel about getting married?"

"Gentlemen, I love Dande very much. Not a day goes by that I'm not happy and very grateful that I was able to come back from....Well, come back and have this time with her and Cara. I have absolutely no regrets. I'm a very happy man." He said as he raised his glass and drained it.

"Yes, but you still haven't *technically* said how you felt on the big day." LP added, reaching for the coffee pot and the Jameson's on his own.

"Pel, I love you. Now, could you hit me with another?" Xani asked as he contemplated cutting off his arm to free himself from the wall.

"Oh, you'd best not get too terribly drunk...Who knows what you'll all be turned into by Dor." An amused voice chimed in as all the men turned to see the General enter the room. Grabbing a mug and smirking, Obi-Wan turned a chair backwards, took a straddled seat, toasted Xani, and took a long drink. "To the condemned man. Cheers Xani!"

"Put a sock in it, Do-Gooder!" Xani grumbled. "Our brave and fearless leader here was just about to fess up to his true feelings on his wedding day." Xani nodded in Qui's direction.

"Oh, Reahlly? Well, this is something I reahlly must hear. Do tell us Mahstah. Share your great and terrible wisdom on the subject." Obi-Wan grinned. The General was in rare form.

"Really, Sire, you're in much too good a mood." Pel muttered.

"That's because he's the only one here who never got married." Xani sneered.

Obi-Wan choked on his drink and held up a hand. "I beg your Pahdon, gentlemen. I believe I'm qualified to speak on this subject. I married *all* of them once, remembah."

"Yes, Padawan. And as I recall, Emmy was your first wife, was she not?"

Obi-Wan poured another round.

"He's stalling." Xani observed. "What's the matter, Daddy-O? Wench got your tongue?"

"Well," Qui-Gon began, faltering a bit. "I *naturally* felt a bit of - trepidation - suddenly settling down after so many years as a warrior and a J
edi. I mean, every man has a sense of anxiety at the thought of......."

"Being tied down to one woman for the rest of your life." Pel finished for him. Shuddering.

The four men shared a moment of silence.

"So, who's empty?" Qui-Gon asked.

~*~

A group of men approached the Volvo carefully. "I sense a great Evil," Aragorn said. "Are you sure this tradition is necessary?"

Indy nodded, holding a can of shaving cream. "Yes, it's good luck to decorate the bride and groom's car."

"We can just use duct tape to attach the strings of cans and shoes," Rick said, holding a line of empty Jolt soda cans and Doc's.

The Volvo revved it's engine as it heard the men approach. Were they here to help it get ready for the happiest day of it's life?

"Not necessary," Lupin said, pulling out his wand. "I know a spell."

"I don't know, Moony," Sirius said, "it might backfire. This car has a great magical aura already."

"Good point," Lupin answered, tucking his wand back into his robes. "With all the spells floating around this place, it could be a disaster."

Han pulled out his can of Reddi Whip. "What should we write? Congratulations?"

"Considering the Groom's reluctance, I'm not sure that's appropriate," said Elrond.

Reluctance? The Volvo was confused. It was not at all reluctant.

"Better him, than one of us," Han noted while all the EA's and EF's nodded in agreement.

"Yesssssssss." Thought the demented chassis. "Better for It and better for the True Love." It purred to Itself. "Men are baaaaaaaaad. Make TrueLove angry. Car is gooooooooood! Car take care of The Beloved!"

"What are the latest odds on Xanatos showing up at the wedding?" Indy asked.

"The last odds on that Judy posted were 3 to 2," Lupin answered. "I just know I don't want to be too close to Dor if Xanatos doesn't show up at the ceremony. I fear she dabbles in the Dark Arts a bit."

The Volvo revved it's engine in horror and anger. His true love was marrying another? A man? It began slowly rolling forward, zig zagging slightly, as It tried to comprehend the thought of the True Love wedding another. "THE MEN!" It thought. "This is their fault! They have taken the Beloved from me!"

Suddenly, the car turned to face the group of men head on.

"What the Fu....." Rick began, clutching the strings of soda cans and shoes to his chest.

"I know what hunts us." Aragorn muttered as he turned slowly and unsheathed Anduril. "Are you frightened?" He asked, looking at Rick.

"Yes." Rick whispered.

Aragorn chuckled. "Not nearly frightened enough!"

"Oh, come on ladies! I'm not afraid of that screwy Witch's old jalopy!" Indy shouted over the din of the lurching motor. Drawing his pistol, he stood his ground. With the exception of Han the other men all backed away. The smuggler drew his blaster and exchanged a look with Indy, both men silently daring the other one to back away first.

The car couldn't believe what it had just heard. "He takes the Mistress name in vain!" It shrieked inside it's demented master cylinder. Wheeling around to face the Archeologist and Corellian pilot head on, it revved it's engine and snorted smoke out of it's exhaust.

"Damn Nazi possessed car! I bet it has snakes inside! I hate snakes!" Indy screamed.

"Damn Imperial possessed car! I bet it has Ewoks inside it! I hate those little fur balls!" Han yelled.

"Ho. Ly. SHIIIIIIIT!" Indy yelled as he jumped out of the way just in time to avoid becoming a tomb raider pancake.

"I'll see you in Hell!" Han yelled, diving out of the way of the possessed auto.

With a loud backfire the Volvo shot out of the garage as the men dived and ducked trying to avoid the car and the black exhaust smoke. The Volvo took out a few cars and a garage wall as it made for the woods, it's possessed spirit plotting how best to claim it's bride.

"Yes," Sirius deadpanned, dusting himself off as he stood up, "I'd say she dabbles just a bit in the Dark Arts."

~*~

Mrs. Willis knocked on the Clinic door. "How's the bride? And my daughter? Who can't even be bothered to call her mother?" She called.

"Who invited my mother?" Darry whispered angrily, waving her still wet fingernails frantically.

"Cal told his mother, who told your mother, who then had to be invited," Dor whispered to Darry as she opened the door.

"Yes, now you get manners, Dor," Darry said sarcastically as her mother embraced her.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me about Dorotea's wedding, Darlene!" Mrs. Willis began.

"It was such a surprise to all of us," the Nurse said. "Even the groom. Especially the groom, even."

Dor glared at the Nurse and said to Mrs. Willis, "So, you must be anxiously awaiting grandchildren, eh?"

The Nurse's fingers sparkled purple lightning as the Librarian smiled sweetly at Mrs. Willis.

~*~

Tyr stared suspiciously. "Lets go over this, plan, again.....From the beginning." He growled lowly.

Boromir nodded in assent, crossing his arms and standing with his feet braced shoulder width apart, ready for action if necessary.

"Oh for the love of Mike!" Tara exclaimed, rolling her eyes. "Will you just trust me already? What could go wrong?"

"Who's Mike? I didn't see anyone come in." Tanner asked.

"Listen you two! I want your buff butts into those turn outs and then into that CAKE!" Tara explained for the umpteenth time as she pointed to the very large and very yummy wedding cake.

"That's not a turn out." Boromir scowled. "It's a tiny bathing suit made from a turn out coat."

"Whatever. Now get moving!"

"I can't wear that. Where am I going to put my hose?" Try asked suggestively as he held up a length of fire hose strewn along the floor.

Boromir did the 'Hey, that was a good one' Jock Chuckle (tm).

"Get. In."

"And then what?" Boromir asked.

"When I blow..(She shot Boromir a look that said 'Not even a Horn of Gondor joke, Bud')...give the signal, you pop out and shake your hoses to the music!" Tara beamed. "I ask again, what could happen?"

"That is a rhetorical question, isn't it?" Roux asked as he sauntered up to the scene, a plate of fire engine shaped chocolate truffles in his hand. "I mean, this is HSU. Did any of you ever see 'Addams Family Values?' Didn't they bake a girl in a cake?"

The Beef looked stricken.

"Nobody's baking anybody! Look, stop being such, such, *babies* and get into that cake!" The Glitter Ho insisted.

"I've never heard of having male stripp.....dancers at a wedding reception before." Roux commented. "Won't Xanatos be upset?"

"Oh, who cares?" Tara shrugged. "We'll all love it. Now, you two. Into the cake."

"Can we be glittered first?" Tyr asked with a smirk.

"Well, I ah.......NO!" Tara shook herself from her momentary glitter haze. "You're NOT the General! I only glitter the General!" She said dramatically, as she held her glitter wand into the air and saluted. "Now. Go."

"Did the Wench bake the cake? Is it coconut?" Tyr asked.

"No! The Wench is on a caffeine leave of absence from her senses. This cake came all the way from Rome!"

Boromir did the Jock Laugh (tm) again. "I have a vewey good fwend in Wome......His name is Bigus......."

"BOROMIR OF GONDOR, TAKE YOUR BIGUS WHATEVERUS AND GET INTO THAT CAKE!"

As the men finally climbed into the cake, Tara heard an amused voice behind her.

"Ah, success at lhast. 'Tis a fah fah bettah thing they do now than they have evah done before', eh?"

"Obi-Wan!" Tara exclaimed happily as the Jedi hugged her tightly and nibbled her ear. "I was just thinking about you!" Narrowing her eyes playfully, she asked, "How'd you know?"

"Oh, I always pay attention when I hear a disturbance in the Glittah side of the Force." He waggled his eyebrows as he held up a container of gold sparkles and a pair of tartan boxer shorts. "I was wondering if you'd be good enough to help me with these?"

"Woohoo!"

~*~

"Where's dad?" Darry asked as her mother completely redid her hair.

"He's parking the car."

"For an hour?"

"There seems to have been some sort of mishap in the garage, so he dropped me off at the Clinic. I'm not sure where Sandy went off to. She was very interested in finding Mr. DuCrion to express her congratulations."

Dor rolled her eyes. "I'm sure," she said as she looked out the window to see the partially collapsed garage wall and a path of destruction leading through the woods.. "Oh. No. My car!"

"Uh oh," Dande said. "The Olvo-Vay might be Ealous-Jay."

"Great! My car is going to crash the wedding. And probably take down all my newly built walls And then of course, the newly built roof will fall!"

"At least you can't blame Cic this time," the Nurse observed.

Dor sighed. "Instead of a former flame interrupting the wedding, I'm going to have a crazy possessed car!"

"Look on the bright side, Dor. You'll be able to make a clean getaway from the scene of the crime."

"What crime?"

"The crime you're going to commit when Xani says, 'I don't'."

The Librarian smiled, "Thanks for reminding me! I need to take the voodoo doll I made of Xani. I think I can tuck it in my garter."

~*~

A bit later Dor looked out the window again. "Why is Judy handing out numbers?"

Dande looked out the window. "Oh, that's just the line for objections."

"Objections?!" Dor asked with alarm. "They're handing out hand cards??"

"Well, it is a pretty good system." Meabh said thoughtfully.

"What??" Dor demanded.

"Well, everyone was trying to think of a way to handle the inevitable.....Umm, I mean, the *possible* objections, for betting purposes, you know." Donna explained helpfully while Dande and Dar stood behind the Librarian, making frantic, waving gestures for Donna to stop.

"Right, so then we made hand cards, it's going to be run like an auction. When someone has an objection, they signal the caller." Meabh continued.

"Caller??" Dor was speechless. "Who thought of this system?"

"Ummm, Judy." Meabh whispered.

Dor thought it over. "Well, it is a brilliant way to handle it. NOT that there will be *any* objections." She added as she looked out the window again.

Dor frowned and asked the Wench, "Why is your husband standing in the front of the line?"

Dande smiled apologetically. "Dor, you know how Da Mastah worries about you. He just thinks --"

"Hey, isn't that Xani?" the Nurse asked as she peered out the window. "He just cut in line in front of Qui!"

Dor threw up her arms. "He can't object at his own wedding!"

"I don't know," Donna sighed, "But with all these objections, I better call the caterer and have them push back the arrival of the hot dishes."

"Whatever," the Nurse said, picking up her cell phone and hitting the speed dial. "I have important business to discuss with the Supreme Chancellor."

Everyone rolled their eyes.

~*~

Emmy stepped out of her car and took a deep breath of fresh, shoe convention air. There was nothing quite like that new shoe smell.

"Aaaah! Freedom!" She smiled happily. Synchronizing her watch to the exact time of sundown (the most likely time for chaos to breakout at HSU) she calculated just exactly, down to the minute, how much time she'd have before the literal 'Witching Hour.'

"Great! I can hit the clompy heels, then the stompy shoes, then the cute and clunky slippers, and still have juuust enough time to check out the strappy summer sandals before..........Oh! Pretty!"

Looking transfixed at the display case in front of her, The Diva had lost all sense of time and space in that second. She made a small "eep" noise as she stared in rapt awe at the pair of elegant, classy, sleek, Uber Ho, *Diamond* accented, *Black* dress shoes.

"Time? Well, I've got nothing but time, after all..." She murmured to the shoes as she reached for that cosmic sense of Oneness with the Divine Shopping Moment.

"You have to stand still," Donna said as she tried to pin the Wo's black lace veil to her long black hair. "Another hairpin," she directed the Wench.

Dande handed Donna another hairpin as she smoothed the floor length veil over the fidgety bride's velvet dress.

"Roses," Donna directed.

Maebh handed Donna blood-red roses and the Watcher's fiance begin pinning them onto the the veil.

"Are those *my* roses?" Shana asked with suspicion.

"No. These are from the florist." Donna answered, her concentration never breaking.

"Well, Ok then." The Mistress of Paperwork muttered. "Do you girls have any coffee?"

"Where's Emmy?" Dor asked. "She's supposed to walk in first with Obi-Wan."

Laure rolled her eyes and muttered something about 'first wife' under her breath and then said aloud, "She said she had to run get new shoes."

Dor, who couldn't stand still, yelped as Donna accidentally pinned a rose to her scalp.

"If you would stop fidgeting, that wouldn't happen!"

Dor swallowed nervously and tightly grasped her hands together in an attempt to keep them from shaking. "I, I....shoes? She already had shoes for the wedding. She went to that shoe convention, didn't she?"

"Well, um, Dor, it is shoes," Shana explained. "It's not like she's doing something frivolous. She said she would be back before the wedding."

"Whatever," the Librarian said, still fidgeting nervously. She was silent for a minute and then she looked down at her stockinged feet. "SHOES! I DON'T HAVE SHOES!" she broke away from Donna, roses flying everywhere and started toward the door. "I need to get shoes!"

By the time Dor had spun around toward the door, the Wench was already standing in front of it, holding a pair of black silk ballet flats. "You have shoes, Dor."

Dor started hyperventilating. "Don't," gasp, "think those work," gasp, "Want to go shopping for new shoes," gasp.

"Deep cleansing breath," the Wench directed. "These shoes were handmade in Paris, remember, Dor? You picked them out. And Donna added the steel to the toes in case you need to kick Xani, remember?"

Dor took a deep breath. "Yes, I remember, but, maybe Docs would be better. More traditional."

Tara interjected, "You want to borrow a pair of my black Birkenstocks, Dor? You're supposed to have something borrowed, remember?"

Dor gasped in horror at the thought of Birkenstocks touching her Goth feet, but her wenchichlorian's reminded her to be polite. "No thanks, Tara. But you're right, I do need something borrowed. Could I say maybe have the Horn of Gondor for 30 minutes or so?"

"Well, Boromir is helping to...set up...for the reception, but sure, let me call him."

Dande cleared her throat and shook her head. "The borrowed object has to be carried during the ceremony, Dor!"

"Well, I could.........What?? Damn. Okay, I'll just go look for something," Dor said as she tried to dart around the Wench.

"I'm not finished with the veil yet," Donna cried.

The Wench moved deftly in front of the fleeing Librarian. "Dorotea!"

Dor swallowed. "Er, yes?"

"Are you going to leave Xani standing at the altar?"

Dor gasped in shock. "Of course not!"

Dande smiled and nodded, patting Dor's arm. "Okay, then, let's go finish pinning the roses on your veil."

Dor let Dande lead her back toward Donna, then broke away and made a mad dash toward the door, holding her dress up so she wouldn't trip. "I'm quite sure Xani will be passed out in front of the altar, not standing!" She yelled as dashed out of the room.

"Damn she's fast!" Laure exclaimed in wonder.

"You got that right, she faked me out of my pumps!" Dande said in surprise and a bit of awe.

"Aye, she's good." Meabh agreed, nodding sagely.

The Nurse looked up, "Hold for a sec, Palpy," she said into her cellphone. "Is it time already?"

Laure and Tara shook their heads at the fleeing Wo. Tara called Judy to dish her on the latest development.

"Dor's run! Oh, yeah, she's gone. I didn't know she could move that fast!" Tara dished happily. "Where does this put me in the standings? Because I want a new set of hoses for the fire house."

The Wench ran after Dor, "I can't believe I didn't see that coming! It's all this caffeine, I can't get my Wench sensor array to work!"