Title: HSU - Summertime and the Livin' is Easy
Author: Emmy
Rating: SCBHTYH (Shoes Can Be Hazardous to Your Health)
Chronology: Errr…a tad confusing. I started it in the midst of the wedding fic, so Dor is sort of here and not.
Emmy slammed down the phone.
"How hard can it be to find a contractor to work here?" she growled at the phone.
And so began the Diva's predicament.
The new Galactic Domination Desk to match her Galactic Domination Chair left little room in her office for anything else but galactic domination.
Which wasn't a bad thing entirely, but she was getting awfully tired of squeezing through the doorcrack every day.
The Diva definitely needed a bigger office.
However, finding a reputable contractor who was actually willing to work at HSU was another matter entirely.
The Diva was suddenly shaken out of her deep ponderings by the sound of her window being forced open.
Without missing a beat, Emmy grabbed her clunky Moschino sandal and whipped it over her shoulder, whacking her intruder dead on.
Smiling as she heard the whack, grunt, and thud, Emmy slowly turned her GDC toward the window, "That'll teach you to--"
The Diva made an imploding noise like a Ring Wraith in reverse when she discovered the General slumped face down, his legs still hanging out the window.
Emmy frantically dialed Darry's phone number.
"Hello. You've reached the clinic. Yadda yadda, bandaids in the hall, if this is an actual emergency - and I mean ACTUAL - press zero now."
Emmy pressed zero several times.
"This had better be important--"
"OH MY GOD, I'VE KILLED THE GENERAL!"
"Jesus, Diva, what the hell--"
"JUST GET HERE, HE'S NOT MOVING!"
"What??"
"I'M SERIOUS!"
"I'll be right there."
Emmy turned to look at the General - who was still halfway in her office and halfway out the window - and said rather timidly, "Um, Darry's coming." Feelings of dread began to rush through her. "Obi?"
Emmy slid off her GDC to the floor and reached up to grab the General's belt, pulling him from the window. She turned him over and then made an imploding noise again upon discovering the bump on his forehead.
Suddenly her door came flying open, followed swiftly by a loud series of thunks as the door hit the desk and the Nurse hit the door.
"Fuck!"
"Oh see," Emmy said, hesitantly patting the General on his cheek. "Darry's here, everything will be fine now. Everything's fine. Just fine."
"Diva!"
The General groaned and moved his head slightly.
"He's not dead!" Emmy exclaimed.
"Open the door!" Darry yelled.
Emmy stood up and shimmied against the wall and past her desk. "It is open," she said.
"You need professional help," Darry said as she threw her Louis Vuitton medical bag into the room and then squeezed her way in. She climbed over the top of the Emmy's desk to aid the still unconscious General. "What the hell did you do?"
"I thought he was Cal or a Wanker or a--"
"Is this is shoe mark?!" Darry asked pointedly as she searched her bag for an ice pack.
"Uh."
"You SEE what a hazard this is!"
"Oh, like you're so innocent with your purple lightning," Emmy retorted.
"I don't purple lightning the General!"
Emmy made an odd squeaking noise and flung herself into her GDC. "Oh my God, I've probably given him brain damage. He won't even remember who he is. He'll probably wake up and decide he needs to go back to the Temple. He won't remember me."
"Blahst Emmy, have you gone mad?!"
Emmy gasped and turned around to see the General and his swollen forehead glaring at her.
"You remember me!" Emmy responded gleefully.
"How could I possibleh forget," he groused as Darry helped him to his feet.
Emmy pouted. "Well what the hell were you doing crawling through my window anyway? You could have been killed!"
"If you hadn't been throwing things at me--"
"If you hadn't snuck up behind me like that, this never would have happened!"
"Everybody shut up," Darry said. "You, get out of the way," she said to Emmy. "You, come with me to the Clinic, I want to check your head," she said, yanking on the General's arm.
"Maybe Emmy should come, too," the General remarked. "If anyone needs their head examined--"
"How dare you talk to me that way, after I was so traumatized by your being injured!"
Darry growled after realizing that she'd just thrown her Louis Vuitton out the door and into Cal. "Look what you two made me do!"
Emmy and the General suddenly halted their bickering.
"Now I'm going to have to buy a whole new bag," Darry said.
"Isn't that a good thing really?" Emmy asked.
"That's not the point!" Darry responded, pulling the General through the door crack. "I can't believe you two."
"Neither can I," he said.
"I heard that, Kenobi!" Emmy yelled through the door crack as Darry and the General walked to the Clinic.
"What the hell did you do, Diva?" Laure said as she passed by the scene.
"She tried to kill the General," Kendra offered from her position in her office.
"Shut up," Emmy said, slammed the door shut.
~*~
"Gimme another."
Judy gave her padawan a stern look.
"Gimme another, PLEASE."
"Alright," Judy said, still eyeing Kendra for several moments before salting up another margarita glass.
"Sheesh, whaddya gotta do around here to get a drink?" Kendra mumbled.
Judy quickly switched off her blender, turned to face her padawan, placed her fingertips atop the bar, and glared. "What. Did. You. Say."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Kendra exclaimed. "You have no idea the kind of stress I'm under today. The Diva goes and nearly kills the General, the Nurse confines him to bed rest for a mild concussion, and I'm the one stuck with having to cancel appointments!"
"Um, Kendra," Julia said from her table next to the bar.
"WHAT??"
"The General is in bed, yes?" Julia said.
"I already thought of that," Kendra replied. "Darry said absolutely NO vigorous activity."
"Well, what if it isn't vigorous?" Judy asked. "What if it's--"
"Hear there's a game on...someplace."
"Yeah, me too."
"Wait up."
Judy rolled her eyes as Max, Bail, and Indy all quickly removed themselves from the bar and took a table right in front of the TV.
Kendra frowned thoughtfully. "I didn't think about that. I'm sure everyone would be willing to try non-vigorous appointments for a couple days."
"Wait a minute, exactly how long is he confined to bed rest," Jen Jen asked as she took the seat next to Kendra.
"Darry said twenty-four hours, and then if everything looks okay, he's all ours," Kendra said.
"I think a temporary non-vigorous schedule is perfectly acceptable," Laure said, adjusting the silk scarf around her neck. "A nice change of pace even considering my other--"
"TMI!" Julia interjected.
"Yeah yeah," Laure said, flapping her hand as she sipped her drink.
"Hey, this could work out really well," Kendra said. "If everyone is agreeable, then I won't have to cancel anyone else's appointments."
"Except for Emmy's," Laure said.
"I think she's in hiding," Kendra said.
"She should be," Julia said.
"So, everyone cool with this non-vigorous set up?" Kendra asked.
"Yeah, sounds good to me," Judy said.
"Hey Ellie!" Kendra called across the pub.
"Yeah!" Ellie called back from her table by the window after smacking Bail's head for blocking her view of the hockey game.
"Are you cool with non-vigorous General appointments until he's healed?!"
"What do you mean by non-vigorous," Ellie called back.
"You know, nothing jarring! No high-impact boinking, gotta go easy on his head, so no hair grabbing or anything like that!" Kendra yelled over the increasing volume of the television. "He'll probably need to stay on his back, so you'll need to be on top and just take it nice and slow and--"
Suddenly, every man in the pub grabbed his beer and scurried out the back door.
"Sounds fine to me!" Ellie said.
"What the hell is their problem?" Jen Jen asked as the men began milling around on the back patio.
Laure shrugged. "Men. Who knows."
"Somebody explain this to me NOW!" the Diva yelled, suddenly appearing in the pub clutching the Tattler in her hand. She marched over to Julia and held it
up.
"Duck and cover!" Julia yelled as the other Ho's snickered.
"What is the meaning of this?" Emmy asked. She glanced at the headline and read, "Diva Kills General."
Julia shrugged.
"I didn't kill him!"
"Hey, it says 'almost' in small print under the headline," Julia said.
"I didn't almost kill him either!"
"That's not what I heard," Laure offered.
"What??" Emmy said, turning toward the Mediator.
"Yeah, people say he was nearly...BRAIN DAMAGED," Laure said with big eyes before cracking herself up.
"Ha ha, very funny," Emmy replied.
"Diva, how many times have we told you that eventually you were going to injure the General," Judy said.
Emmy turned and gave a "talk to the hand" gesture as she marched out of the pub.
"Okay, I'll just call Darry and tell her our non-vigorous plan," Kendra said dialing the phone.
"Clinic," Darry answered.
"Hi Darry, it's Kendra. We have a plan for--"
"No."
"Hey!" Kendra said as the line went dead.
"She said no?" Laure asked.
"Yeah," Kendra pouted.
"The bitch," Laure said. She finished off her drink and scooted off the barstool. "Oh well, I'm gonna go be ungrateful, have a great night, grrls."
~*~
Emmy sat in her living room, shoveling very large spoonfuls of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food into her mouth.
She'd dealt with the dark days of guilt before.
But nothing like this.
If she'd hit the General just the wrong way with her Moschino sandal, he could have fallen back out the window.
No telling what kind of disaster that would have entailed.
And now the entire campus thought she'd tried to kill him.
And Darry declared at least 24 hours of bed rest.
She really and truly had injured him.
"Don't look at me like that."
Lasher whined and laid down on the floor. What'd he ever do?
On the bright side, it was too hot for flannel jammies.
"I can't take this," Emmy said, walking into the kitchen and throwing the empty ice cream container into the garbage. "I have to see him."
~*~
Emmy steeled herself as she approached the General's door.
And then she paused when it opened.
"Huh?"
"Good news, Sir!" King Mongkut declared as he exited the General's flat.
"What are you doing here??"
"Your King has agreed to transfer your ownership," Mongkut said, crossing his arms regally.
"Come again?"
"Your King has agreed to sell English Woman to King." Mongkut paused. "To us."
"WHAT?!"
"Yes, it is an unusual situation, one who has been so loyal in service. Not many king would agree to such arrangement," Mongkut said. "Your King is generous man and King...we...value his alliance. But he is your King no more. I proclaim that you kneel as sign of loyalty to new King."
"He WHAT?!"
Mongkut nodded. "Unusual yes. Very unusual. For price of only one elephant as well."
"He....sold....ELEPHANT??!!"
"The General sold the elephant?" Kendra asked as she strolled by.
"Go away!"
"Geez, get a drink or something," Kendra said as she continued past.
"Campus get beautiful elephant from King as payment for English Woman," Mongkut offered helpfully as Kendra walked away.
"Everyone is so dead," Emmy growled before blowing past Mongkut and storming into her flat and slamming the door.
~*~
"What the hell is that?" Kymira said, looking out the window of Laure's office at the storm of clunky shoes that were flying from some unknown - but easily guessed - source and hitting Cal smack on the head as he wailed.
Laure sighed, glancing around in the hopes that a bottle of...something would magically appear on her desk.
"You gotta look at this," Kymira laughed.
"I'd rather not," Laure said, pinching the bridge of her nose to ward off the sensation of impending headache.
"He's just standing there!" Kymira said incredulously. "This is too funny."
"Well, as long as he stands there that means he's not in here crying about it," Laure said, standing from her chair and wandering out of her office to find more relaxing pursuits.
~*~
"That's it!" Emmy said as she lobbed the last pair of clunky shoes out her window. "No more, ever again!" She stuck her head out the window and whimpered as her fantastic collection of clunky shoes lay scattered about the driveway.
"I'm gonna tell Laure on you!" Cal squawked before finally running away to his shack.
Emmy, oblivious to Cal's whining, stared at her shoes.
Her beautiful, wonderful shoes.
"Oooooohh, I can't do this!" she exclaimed, the urge to run downstairs and retrieve her collection beginning to overwhelm her.
And then the Nutella delivery truck whooshed up the driveway, mashing the Diva's clunky shoe collection into tiny bits.
~*~
"Did you hear a scream?" Ellie said, peeking out her vet clinic window.
"Hmm?" Indy responded, far too engrossed in the sports page to notice...not that he really was inclined to notice screams emanating from the Admin Building anymore.
"A scream," Ellie said. "It didn't sound good."
"Does it ever?" Indy replied, glancing over at Ellie.
"Yeah good point."
~*~
"Dor and Xani must be at it again," Jen Jen mumbled as she sat with Kendra in the pub.
"Geez, you'd think they'd show a little polite restraint since we're all forbidden from seeing the General," Kendra said as the other pub patrons snorted and snickered in response. "Well, it'd be the nice thing to do!" Kendra interjected.
"Nah, it wasn't Dor," Julia said, bounding into the pub, shaking her camera with glee. "But I've got a great cover photo of the Diva's horrified reaction to the Nutella truck running over her shoes."
~*~
"The Diva's been run over by a Nutella truck?" one miner mumbled to the other as all the men focused on watching TV, pretending not to notice the gossip.
"Could we get that lucky?" another miner mumbled back.
~*~
"What?" Judy asked, actually pausing from polishing her bar.
"Yeah," Julia laughed, you should have seen it.
"Apparently the Diva was throwing out all her clunky shoes for some reason," Laure said, glancing up from her drink.
"Well she did almost kill the General with one," Kendra offered.
"And so there she is, throwing all her shoes out the window, muttering about all the damage they've done and how she'll be damned if she'll spend her life as a concubine because of them," Julia explained.
"Hey, I forgot to tell you all that we're getting a real live elephant!" Kendra said, her mood brightening a little.
"And then WHAM, up comes the Nutella truck," Julia said, smacking her hand against the bar. Then she herself gasped upon realizing what she'd done. "Sorry, sorry," she said in the face of Judy's Look of Death.
"Alright, who's injured NOW?!" the Nurse suddenly asked, appearing in the doorway looking completely disheveled, except for her fashionable medical bag. "I know that wasn't Dor."
"Emmy threw all her clunky shoes out her window, and the Nutella truck ran them over," Laure explained quite plainly.
"No shit!" Darry said with a laugh.
"Yeah," Laure said, "no emergency, as you were."
"Barkeep, martini please," Darry said, setting down her bag and pulling up a stool.
"You got it," Judy said, still keep one eye on Julia.
Kendra, seizing the opportunity to ask a martini-happy Nurse about General appointments, said, "Darry, what if--"
"No," Darry said.
"This is so not fair," Kendra said.
"Yeah," Laure said, "you've got your Servant."
"And you've got an Emperor and a vampire," Darry said.
"So?" Laure replied.
"*And*," Darry continued, "my Servant doesn't have a concussion."
"She actually gave the General a concussion?" Judy asked.
"Yep," Darry said, sipping on her Stolis.
"I can't believe this," Judy said.
"Yeah," Darry chuckled, "surprised him too."
~*~
"What are you doing?!" Tara yelled, trying to walk really fast in her turnout gear once she noticed that most of her battalion had abandoned her during the pole sliding drill and were now spraying fire hoses all over the driveway.
Tanner, who was still clinging to the fire pole as he waggled his right foot in hopes of making contact with the floor, called, "Chief? Somebody? Anybody?"
Vas, leaning casually against the wall, reached over and flipped the fire alarm, the noise causing Tanner to lose his grip and fall to the floor.
Vas chuckled. He knew what "Shit sonofabitch" meant.
"What the hell do you guys think you're doing!" Tara yelled over the noise of the firehoses as the guys sprayed shoe parts around in no particular orderly fashion. "Hello," Tara said, knocking on Boromir's helmet.
"What are you doing, I'm busy here," Boromir responded as he and Tyr joined water streams to shoot a Gucci sandal straight into the air.
Tara marched over to the truck and turned off the water all the way around, resulting in disappointed groans from her crew.
"This is obviously a disaster site, we were just doing our jobs," Tyr said.
"Back to the station," Tara said hooking her thumb over her shoulder. Then she sighed. "PICK UP the hoses and THEN go back to the station."
~*~
Max approached Jael with a somber expression. There was no easy way to tell her the news, so he waited for a moment until she was done berating one of the miners for throwing dirt into her moat instead of placing it in the proper excavation pile.
"How difficult is this?" Jael said as she saw Max. "I should just fire them all and do it myself."
"Jael," Max said.
"If you want a job done right, you just have to do it yourself," Jael continued.
"Jael," Max said a little louder.
"Huh?"
Max placed his hands on Jael's shoulders and lowered his head a bit. "My men have brought me news."
Jael's eyes grew larger and somewhat giddy. "Are we being attacked? We'll need weapons! I'd better sharpen--"
"No," Max said.
"Then what's so important? Do you want this fort completed by winter or not?"
"It appears that Emmy has been struck by a delivery truck," Max said with a very serious tone.
"What??"
"After she attempted to assassinate General Kenobi."
Jael's mouth dropped open with a loud intake of air. "No," Jael said with disbelief.
"We must take precautionary measures," Max said. "Before things get out of hand."
"Right," Jael said.
"You go investigate, and I'll seal the borders," Max suggested.
"Good call," Jael said, securing her sword as she stepped away from Max. "God only knows what will happen if word of this gets out."
~*~
"You are very fortunate, my darling, that no permanent harm came to General Kenobi," Commo said, waxing imperially as he sauntered around the bed.
"Wha?" Laure said, choking on a purple grape and not entirely certain what to make of Commo mentioning the General by name.
"I would be prepared, of course, to take command of this realm should General Kenobi for any reason be unable to lead." Commo rested a knee on the bed and leaned forward. "But I would not like to see you saddened by the fact that those duties would keep me away from you longer than you'd like."
Laure smiled, perfectly understanding the heartfelt sentiments of her demented Emperor.
"Perhaps I should speak with the Nurse and see if my leadership is needed at this time, only temporarily, of course," Commo said with an inspired smile. "But then again, he is only a General, and I am an Emperor," Commo continued, his eyes growing wider and slightly maniacal.
Laure raised an eyebrow. "Don't even think about it."
Commo pouted. "But--"
"C'mere," Laure said, yanking Commo to the bed.
~*~
"No! Higher, you imbecile," the General heckled the television. "Higher! It's a leather sofa for Force sake...no, that's the price for the coffee table."
"Feeling better?" Darry asked as she peeked into his room.
The General tossed the remote next to him on the bed. "Much," he said, preparing to scoot off the bed.
"Ah ah, back in bed, I just asked how you were doing, not that you could get up," Darry said.
The General sighed and leaned back against his pillows. "But I'm fine."
"And I'm going to make sure you *stay* fine," Darry said, walking over to the bed.
"I can't just sit here and watch TV all day."
"You don't have to just sit here all day, I need your help with something," Darry said as she sat down.
"What is it?" the General asked.
"Here," Darry said handing the General an eyeliner crayon before turning her back to him. She whipped up her scrub top to reveal her back. "I need you to draw a keyboard."
The General displayed a befuddled expression.
Darry looked over her shoulder, her top still covering her front as she crossed her arms. "It doesn't have to be perfect," she said.
The General paused for a moment. Then he shrugged and sat up a little straighter, took the cap off the eyeliner, and brushed the Nurse's hair forward in front of her shoulder.
"Oh the yodeling guy, I always suck at this game," Darry said as the General drew a large rectangle across her shoulder blades.
~*~
"Now see, what we're looking for is some wave action every ten minutes or so," Kendra said.
"Right, and then we'd like a really big wave on the tenth minute," Tara added. "Then everything can go back to gentle lapping, then ten minutes of nice little waves, then another big one."
The engineer from the Estrogen County Public Works Department just gave the Water Ho's a blank stare.
"So do we need to make the lake bigger to accomplish this?" Kendra asked.
"Yeah, because that won't be a problem at all," Tara said.
Without a word, the engineer turned and walked back toward his car.
"Hey, where are you going?" Kendra said.
"Sir? Sir?" Tara said, hurrying after him. "Sir?"
"Just answer the freaking question!" Kendra yelled. Then she spotted Legolas and Elrond chatting next to the tree line. "Hey!" she yelled, taking off for a dead run toward them.
Legolas' eyes grew wide once he realized he was being chased down, and with one great leap he hopped up against the large maple tree and then scurried up to a very high branch.
"Shoot that guy!" Kendra said, pointing toward the engineer.
Legolas just shook his head.
"Aw c'mon!"
Legolas shook his head again.
Elrond stepped forward, "It would not be wise to--"
"Oh, what do you know, sheesh!" Kendra snapped, kicking at the grass before stomping back toward the Admin Building.
~*~
"My poor babies," Emmy muttered, lying in a heap on her closet floor. "My poor poor babies."
Lasher whined and laid down next to the Diva, sniffing her hair and nudging at her head with doggie love.
"Did you see them?" Emmy squeaked, reaching out and patting Lasher on the head. "All smushed to little bits?"
Lasher inched closer, quite distressed at his mommy's upset.
"But you know," Emmy said, suddenly sitting straight up.
Lasher darted up, hoping this was some sort of sign that it was time to eat or play with Xani.
Or both.
"I'm better off without them, really I am. Look at all the trouble they've caused."
Lasher shifted his front paws, still very eager for some sort of sign for food or play.
"And now that silly King thinks I'm his new wife! All because of -- wait a minute." The Diva paused thoughtfully. "That part is the General's fault!" she exclaimed.
Lasher barked and stood on all fours.
"Who does he think he is, selling me off to the king?? He doesn't own me in the first place! This isn't a shoe fault at all!"
Lasher barked again.
"Well wait a minute, the shoes did cause his injury, which started this whole thing. If I'd been wearing nothing little shoes, I probably would have missed him entirely." Emmy pouted. "And it's not like I knew it was him...but still." The Diva sighed.
Lasher waited, tail wagging expectantly.
Emmy suddenly jumped to her feet. "But who the hell does he think he is selling me off like that!"
Lasher barked and happily followed the Diva as she marched out her front door, Lasher heading straight for the outside door and Emmy heading straight for the General's flat.
~*~
"What letter is above the A?" the General asked, eyeliner pencil positioned over Darry's shoulder.
Darry closed her eyes and typed her fingers in mid-air. "Q," she said.
"Ah yes, of course," the General said, drawing in a Q, biting his lip as he concentrated on not smudging the W or the A.
"Oh! He *just* missed the dollar," Darry commented during the showcase showdown.
And then the General's bedroom door flew open and Jael marched in.
"Uh-uh, no visitors," Darry said emphatically.
"And what are you?" Jael asked.
"I'm the Nurse," Darry said.
Jael gave the mostly topless Nurse a dubious look as the General continued to draw on her back. "Whatever," Jael said. "Just tell me what happened to Emmy."
"What, you mean starting when the doctor dropped her on her head?" Darry said.
"Max said she was hit by a truck."
"What??" the General exclaimed, smudging his tab key.
"Noooo," Darry replied. "Calm down. She threw her shoes out the window, and the Nutella truck ran them over."
"You're joking," the General said.
"Would I do that?" Darry asked.
"Yes."
"Well, I'm not this time," Darry said.
"Hmm, I bet she had a good fit about that," the General said. "Shit, I smudged the Caps Lock key, too."
"Don't worry about it, just go back to the letters," Darry said.
"Hello. People. I'm trying to get a handle on this situation," Jael said. "Max has sealed the borders so that the stories of Emmy assassinating the General - which I see was a slight exaggeration - and Emmy getting--"
"Emmy assassinated *me*?" the General asked.
"*And*," Jael continued, talking over the interruption, "Emmy getting hit by a truck would not get out. You know what would happen if the news station or Princess Academy got ahold of those rumors."
"Good work, Jael. You and Max have everything under control," Darry said, always knowing where her bread was buttered.
"So where is Emmy then?" Jael asked. "You know that being shoe-less might make her prone to certain unstable acts."
"And this would be different than any other day how?" the General asked with a smirk.
"I heard that!"
"Uh-oh," Jael said. "Well, now that everything is cool here, I'll be going."
"You're up shit creek," Darry remarked over her shoulder.
The Diva could be heard stomping up the General's stairs, although without her clunky shoes it didn't have quite the same effect.
"Hi Em. Bye, gotta run," Jael said, swiftly passing the Diva at the top of the stairs.
"Yeah yeah," Emmy said, making a beeline into the General's room. "Who the hell do--" She was caught off guard mid-sentence upon seeing the Nurse still mostly topless and the General holding an eyeliner pencil.
"Diva. No visitors," Darry said.
"Bite me," Emmy said. "And why are you -- wait, I don't wanna know." She took two very quiet (much to her dismay) steps forward. "Who the hell do you think you are selling me off to that king??"
"Right, I've heard enough," Darry said, standing up.
"Don't smudge," the General said.
"I'll just put my robe on backwards," she said, leaning over to smooch his cheek and taking the eyeliner from his hand. "Thanks doll." Darry brushed past the Diva. "Nice feet," she commented dryly.
"Oh just shut up," Emmy growled.
"Emmy," the General said.
"Don't use that tone of voice with me."
"Would you prefer I throw something at your head?"
Emmy pouted.
The General folded his arms and arched a brow momentarily until his forehead hurt.
"I didn't know it was you! I'd never throw shoes at you. You should know that, you didn't have to go off and sell me."
"I didn't sell you," the General said.
"Oh really?"
"Yes really."
"Then why does he think that?"
The General shrugged. "I may have made some *innocent* comment about shipping you off and then he *may* have said something about making an in-earnest deposit and then I *may* have replied something off the cuff about lemon laws and--"
"Lemon laws?!"
"Emmy, really, you gave me a concussion, I can hardly be held responsible--"
"Don't give me that, Kenobi," the Diva replied.
"Hey, what are you doing in here?" Kendra said, appearing out of nowhere. "The Nurse said no visitors!"
The Diva turned, catching her ankle as her foot didn't pivot so well without her clunky shoes. "And I could ask you the same thing!"
Kendra snorted. "Duh, the General needs a bath. Who's gonna do that, the Nurse?? Well yeah, okay, I suppose she technically *could* do that, but she certainly wouldn't do as good a job. Well alright, maybe she'd do an okay job, BUT she wouldn't do as good a job as the General deserves, that's for sure. Not to mention that *you're* the one who tried to kill him in the first place--"
"I did not!"
"Grrls."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah! Let's not even get into how you nearly staple him to death every day!"
Kendra gasped. "I do no such thing!"
"Ha!" the Diva replied.
"Ha? What's that supposed to mean? Ha?"
"It means exactly what it means," Emmy said.
"Grrls."
"Well I don't think I like the sound of that. I'm very skilled with my stapler, and I'd certainly never *throw* it at the General's head. Okay, so there was that time I threw the staple box, but I didn't even know he was there, and--"
"Ah HA!" Emmy exclaimed, pointing at Kendra.
The General sighed and switched the TV to Law & Order.
"Ah HA? Ah HA what?"
"You didn't know he was there, just like I didn't know he was there in my window!"
"But you knew *somebody* was there!" Kendra charged.
"I thought it was Cal!"
"Oh sure fine, blame Cal!"
Emmy gave Kendra an odd look.
"Well yeah okay, we're supposed to blame Cal. But still, do you have any idea how difficult my life is when the General can't make his appointments??"
"Oh right, like there are so many Gratefuls around here anymore."
"Hey, I think I resent that," Kendra said. "Thirty or one, I still have to keep track of everybody...well, okay if there were only one it wouldn't be that hard to keep track of, but my point is that I'm trying to reschedule almost thirty-six hours of appointments."
Emmy eyed Kendra. "You've been sitting in my chair again, haven't you?"
The General groaned and turned up the television.
"Of course not! Would I do that?"
"Yes, I think you would!"
"Would not!"
"Would. Too."
"Would--"
"GRRLS!"
"WHAT??" Emmy and Kendra shouted at the same time.
"You know what I think we all need?" the General said.
"I could make a list," Emmy said.
"How about a yacht, you *still* haven't bought me a yacht," Kendra said.
"I think we all need a vacation," the General said.
Emmy and Kendra looked at each other.
"I know *just* the place!" Emmy said.
"This is gonna be so much fun!" Kendra replied.
"Okay, I'll call the travel agent, you send out the message," Emmy said, hooking her arm with Kendra's as they excitedly hurried out of the General's room.
"Thank you, Obi-Wan, that was a wonderful idea, you're so thoughtful," the General said to himself in a soft voice. "You're very welcome," he responded in his own voice. "Every once in a while, I do have a good idea or two." He stared at the TV for a few moments and then called out, "DON'T SAY A WORD TO BAIL ABOUT THIS!"
~*~
"Do we have everyone?" the General asked, trying to count heads, use Force whammies, check his list and anything else he could think of to make sure that no one was left behind at the airport as everyone loaded into two stretch Suburban limos.
He shuddered to imagine what might entail accidentally leaving one of them behind.
He quickly hurried to jump in as, of course, the Suburbans began to pull away from the curb without him.
He smiled, though, relieved that everyone was happily chatting instead of the usual alternative.
~*~
The grrls and their assorted companions excitedly exited the limos as they came to stop in front of their hotel.
At first, no one noticed the dismaying scene in front of them.
"Oh...my...God...." Emmy said, dropping her case as she finally looked up.
"No, this is not good, so not good," Kendra said.
"Clowns?" Judy said. "I hate clowns!"
"Where are the shops?" Darry said.
"Where did you put us??" Shana asked.
"I...I don't know what happened," Emmy said as she stared up in disbelief at the giant clown head.
"Where are the shops?" Darry asked.
"You booked us here??" Julia said. "This'll break my camera."
"I didn't, I swear," Emmy said. "The travel agent took care of everything."
"*Where* are the *shops*?" Darry asked, growing more impatient each time she asked.
"What's wrong?" the General said, stepping around the Suburban. "Oh good God, what is that?" he remarked in horror upon seeing the giant clown head.
"That's it, everybody back in the car," Emmy said. "We are so not staying here."
All grrls remarked in agreement, climbing back into their seats and leaving their luggage strewn about for the men to repack into the vehicles.
~*~
"Okay, the driver says there's a Four Seasons down the road," Emmy said.
"Sounds perfect," Judy replied. "Well, *anything* would be perfect after
that."
"There are shops there, right?" Darry asked as Cic slyly practiced his typing skills on her back under her shirt.
"Now listen, any of the red, white, and blue machines are pretty good," Ellie explained to Indy and Han, who were not yet fully acquainted with the wonder of slot machines. "They all have varying patriotic names. Double Diamonds? Not my choice. Now, Texas Tea, while named after Texas, may not be the best--
"STOP THE CAR!!!!!" Kendra suddenly yelled.
Everyone tumbled forward as the huge limo screeched to a dead halt.
"Oooooohhhh," Kendra said, her eyes glazed over as she opened the door and fell out of the Suburban.
"Kendra?" the General said, rather concerned that his Secretary was wandering in traffic.
"Wow," Julia said, quickly following Kendra outside.
"Grrls," the General said, "we're right in the middle of traffic, we--" He sighed as everyone ignored him and wandered off into the street.
They walked up next to Kendra who stood dazed and mesmerized as the giant fountains danced gracefully to Singin' in the Rain.
Emmy and Judy made squeaking noises.
Tara stood dumbfounded and enraptured next to Kendra. "Oh...oh...my...must...have...."
"Water," Kendra sighed.
"Wow," Darry said. Then she turned to Emmy, "So where are the shops?"
"We'll just..." Shana muttered pointing indiscriminately to the fountains and the building "...buy this, yes?"
"Elves in water," Julia sighed.
Legolas and Elrond exchanged nervous glances. Water, while often enjoyable, had never appeared in 100-foot-high jets in Rivendell.
"This is amazing," Laure said.
"Beloved, I shall install one in my golf course," Commo said.
Laure suddenly had visions of battles between her Emperor and the Water Ho's. "Commo, that's very sweet," she said, turning her head, "but -- oh shit!" Laure's eyes grew wide as she saw the gigantic, illuminated Caesars Palace sign off in the distance.
"What it is, flower?" Commo asked. "Are you unwell?"
"Nothing, it's nothing," Laure said, making sure Commo kept his back turned. "Let's get a closer look," she added, dragging him forward and out of view of the Caesars sign.
Max, however - dressed in full battle regalia - did see the sign and glanced cautiously up and down the street.
As the song ended and the fountains subsided, Emmy turned to face the General, who had finally stepped out of the vehicle, Force whammying the horns that tried to honk at him. Emmy bounced and grinned. "Hee."
The General shook his head and smiled. "It appears we will be staying at the Bellagio," he said to the driver.
The End