Title: Expansion/Contraction or What the Mummy Did on his Winter Vacation
Author: Laure
Content: typical shenanigans and insanity; where I came up with the expansion idea, I'll never know.
Rating: TTTCUWSC: Too Tired to Come Up With Something Clever
Distribution: Duh
Disclaimer: Laure belongs to me. Nothing else. Owners of fictional characters are surely not wanting them back in this state.
A/N: Sorry this took so long. Hope it's worth the wait. And I'm too tired to go watch the video to see which statue the book is under. If Osiris is wrong, someone let me know, please.

Wearing an adorable white sundress strewn with violets, Laure stomped barefoot across the desert towards the pyramid-in- progress. Bypassing a group of slaves...er...workers, she headed straight for the big man--while making a mental note to ask Xani about the interesting electro-whips wielded by his overseers, as they left no marks.

Hands on his barely covered hips, Imotep surveyed the scene with an evil smirk on his face. Standing next to him holding a black umbrella over her head and wearing her own version of a galabya was Dorotea. At least Laure thought it was Dorotea. With that veil, who really could tell?

"Hey, big guy, we need to talk."

Imotep slowly turned his head to smirk down on the scowling Mediator, then crooned something in ancient Egyptian.

"Yeah, learn to speak English. The sand out here by the pyramid is all well and good, but the stuff in the hallways of the admin building has got to go." At his blank look, she sighed and waved her hand over the sand beneath their feet. "Sand here good. Sand in there," she pointed to the building, "bad."

Still no response, so she stomped her foot in the sand, which only made him chuckle.

Laure waved one of the two shoes she was carrying in his face. "These are very, very expensive Jimmy Choos. I nearly broke my ankle walking out of my office this morning." The shoes really were adorable--a pale purple colored with spike heels, diamant on the ankle strap, and pointy toes.

Imotep took one of the shoes and dangled it from his fingers, then chuckled again and rattled off something.

"I think he's saying that these are silly looking," Dor suggested.

"Since when do you speak Egyptian?"

"Actually I think they're silly looking, though kudos for the color."

Ignoring the diss at her wenchy shoes, Laure replied, "We have got to find a way to talk to him." She reached for her shoe.

Imotep smirked and held the shoe over his head as he backed up.

Laure lunged for him and they both went down in the sand.

Dorotea rolled her eyes.

*****

"Oh dear." Dande lowered the binoculars she was surreptitiously using to spy on the Egyptian from her garden.

The Diva looked up from stirring her tea. "What?"

Glancing quickly over to the work-out area of the garden where Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan were doing their katas while Cara raced around them on her tricycle, the Wench whispered, "Laure just jumped Imotep."

Emmy rolled her eyes, too. "I knew having him here was going to cause trouble, and he's not even anyone's EA." She narrowed her eyes at a thought. "He's not, *is* he?"

Dande flushed and quickly shook her head. "He's just eye- candy."

"He's an Alpha. Alpha's give me the creeps, present company excluded, of course."

"Just look at it this way, Emmy. He's livening up what might have been an extremely dull and long Winter." The Wench raised the binoculars back to her eyes. "Oh dear."

"What?"

*****

"Beloved? Did you trip?"

One hand on her shoe, one hand somewhere it probably shouldn't be, Laure froze atop a very happy Egyptian mummy, then swivelled her head so fast she nearly got whiplash.

"I was surveying the workers. At last, workers that know their place. And this structure. Very impressive, though a bit sandy. Perhaps some gardens and statuary are in order. I'd be happy to pose." As he spoke, Commodus reached down, lifted Laure to her feet and brushed the sand from her dress. "Why are you barefoot?" He plucked her shoe from Imotep's hand as the high priest rose imperiously to his feet. "Come, we must soak your feet in rose petals and milk before the sand further irritates your skin. And, speaking of sand, it seems to have blown into the building. Perhaps the irritating slave with the red wagon can do something about that."

As Commo took her hand, Imotep growled something.

"Uh oh," Dorotea muttered.

"Ah, the language of the Pharaohs." Commo started babbling in Egyptian, Imotep answered, and there was much manly smirking.

"Translation spell, now," Laure ordered, praying that Imotep wasn't saying anything stupid, like calling her his handmaiden or something. Really, rub a little oil on a guy and he thinks he owns you.

"Working on it."

Laure gave Dorotea a pointed look.

"I took a break to...um...oversee my husband's workers."

Rolling her eyes, the Mediator grabbed the Librarian and tugged her across the growing desert.

*****

Ellie stuck her head into Kendra's office and found the General's Secretary leaning back in her chair dazed by her ever-changing screensaver of the General in water of various settings. "They've got the volleyball net set up in the rotunda. Wanna play?"

Kendra shook her head, but more in a 'coming out of a daze' way than a negative one. "What about the scorpions?"

"Cal got rid of them. Can't you hear his wails from the Clinic?"

"This I gotta see. Then, volleyball. Will the General be playing?"

"Of course." (See "dichotomy" as defined by The Alpha Ho/Diva)

The two Ho's headed down the hall, following the sounds of whining and weeping to the door of the Clinic, more recently going by the name of 'Hotel Cicero' or so the scribbled note taped over the goat plaque read.

Ellie carefully opened the door, then ducked as some kind of instrument was thrown her way.

"I have no time for idiots who don't know any better than to wear holey boots and go gloveless to pick up scorpions," the Nurse snapped as she swathed the cheap gauze around Cal's bloody hands.

"A Jedi must know suffering..."

"Bollocks," she interrupted and gingerly picked up one of the worn boots. "These are crap. You might as well have been barefoot." Dropping the boot, she gestured for Cicero to tend to the Padawanabe's feet.

Cicero made a face, then set down a bowl of alcohol and plunked Cal's feet into the liquid.

Cal shrieked.

"Have to clean out the poison."

"Poison?" Cal went white and fainted.

"Oh for the love of..." Rolling her eyes, Darry caught sight of the two Ho's standing in the doorway. "What?"

"Wanna play volleyball in the rotunda?" Ellie asked her Master.

Darry simply gave her the Look of Total Disbelief (tm) and went back to bandaging the Padawanabe.

Ellie shrugged at Kendra and both grrls headed down the sandy hall.

*****

In the IT lab Worf was making a vain attempt to keep the sand out of the Clean Room. Shirtless, he was shoveling for all his worth, but it was hopeless. The sand seemed drawn by the electronics.

"I told them not to build a pyramid, but did they listen? Of course not. They're Ho's. They only listen to the siren lure of shoe sales," Delphi muttered as she dragged priceless computer equipment deeper into the room.

"Perhaps a forcefield..." Worf began to suggest, panting slightly as he flung another shovel-full of sand out the door.

"Tried that. Didn't work. Blew up on me. It's that pyramid." Delphi shoved a handful of cable onto the top of a file cabinet and turned to glare at Lucius, who lounged gracefully behind a desk, his feet up, a copy of "Magical Times" in one hand and a cup of tea in the other. "Are you planning to help?"

"Not really," the evil wizard replied, taking a sip of tea. "Ah, Slytherin beat Ravensclaw in quidditch, good show."

"Use your magic and get the sand out now," Delphi demanded, hands on her hips.

"Not a good idea. There's too much mystical energy swirling around this place already. Who knows what might happen if a real wizard tapped into it."

"Then get off your cute ass and help me haul equipment."

He cocked one sexy eyebrow at her, reached over to the desk on his right, picked up a stapler and moved it to the desk on his left, then returned to his newspaper and tea.

Delphi thought about kicking him, then thought about punishing him later, then yelled "Watch out" to Worf as another sand dune burst through the door.

*****

Standing on the patio outside her pub Judy watched with growing concern as the desert crept inexorably towards the building. It had already swept away one patch of roses, no matter how hard the Ewoks worked to keep the garden sand- free.

Walking back inside, she counted the heads of lazy men watching their afternoon soaps, and barked an order. "I need a wall built, ten feet high, to keep out the sand."

Logan was the only man to even give her a cursory look, then he grunted and went back to popping pretzels in his mouth.

Judy, knowing the way to these men's hearts, tried another tack. "If the sand gets in the Pub, this place goes dry."

There was a stampede towards the various exits, the men already yelling orders for supplies and ideas for wall materials.

Smiling triumphantly, Judy picked up a rag and began to polish her bar, then noticed that one man remained, sunk into a corner, drinking a pint of Guinness.

"Why aren't you building my wall?"

Spike rolled his eyes. "Sun, luv. Seems to be even more of it since that bloody priest arrived. Less Laure, too," he mumbled into his pint as he rose to his feet and strolled over to the bar. "What she sees in that blighter is beyond me." He took a seat at the bar and moped.

"Tell me all about it," Judy said, falling easily into the role of sympathetic bartender, as he lifted sad blue eyes to her.

*****

Entering the Library, Pelham took off first one Italian leather loafer, then the other, dumping the sand back into the hallway, and making tsking noises.

"Perhaps you should get your slaves to empty the sand from the building."

"...What?" Xani barely glanced up from his Xbox.

"The sand, Xanatos. 'Tis a hazard."

"Yeah, sandtraps, they're hazards. When did you start playing golf? Oh yeah, take that wussboy," Xani yelled as he dispatched Obi-Wan clone number 351.

"Have you thought about therapy?" Pelham glared at his companion and crossed his arms over his Armani clad chest.

"For what?"

A noble sneer formed on the Lord's face. "Your addiction to that...that thing."

"What addiction? Ooh, disemboweled that one!"

"Do you know where your wife is?"

"You're standing right there."

Growling, Pelham crossed the room and stomped his foot down on the power switch to the surge protector, shutting off the game (and the computers, a couple of lamps, and the radio. It did not shut off the hidden cameras.)

"Hey!" Xani jumped to his feet. "Why'd you do that?"

"I do not like being ignored."

"Get over it, your highness. Life doesn't revolve around you."

Pelham's eyes widened, both men stared each other down for a long moment, then they lunged for each other.

*****

Wondering where her firemen were since Passions had been over for a good half-hour, Tara climbed a sand dune--her turn- out boots were quite useful in sand--and frowned towards the distant pyramid and then turned towards the campus buildings.

Was it her imagination or was the campus expanding? It didn't used to be that far from the Fire Station to the Administration Building, did it?

And did the lake look smaller?

"This is not good."

Spying her men toting concrete blocks towards the back of the admin building, she headed that way. Behind her the perpetually broken fountains blurped in dismay as the water that covered the first set receded leaving exposed a mass of half- assembled pipes.

*****

Finished with their exercises, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan joined the women at the table in the garden, both wiping perspiration from their faces and bare chests.

"Does it seem unseasonably warm to you?" the General asked Emmy as he pecked her cheek and sat down.

Sitting beneath the umbrella drinking iced tea, Emmy fanned herself with a magazine and watched a bead of perspiration slide over his right pectoral muscle. She licked her lips.

"Perhaps just a tad," Dande replied, handing each man a glass of iced tea and passing the plate of cookies. "I'm sure winter will return at anytime. Best to enjoy the sun while we can."

Da Mastah gave his wife a suspicious look, then glanced over his shoulder at the growing pyramid. "Interesting structure. Why is it here?"

"Oh, you know us. We'll do anything to get through the Winter blahs," the Wench replied quickly. "More tea, Mastah darling?"

"Yes, thank you, and Wishpuff? You're up to something."

She blushed prettily, while Obi-Wan and Emmy ignored the married couple and played footsie beneath the table.

*****

Laure and Dorotea entered the Library and stumbled to a halt.

"Ooh. Nice."

"Hey, you're not supposed to start without me," the Librarian protested.

Laure cocked her head to one side. "I didn't know you could do that with a joystick."

Dorotea shoved the Mediator out of the Library and yelled, "We'll do that spell later," before locking the door and jumping on her men.

"Great," Laure muttered at the door, then shuffled through the sand towards the bar. It had been a hard day. An early drink wouldn't kill her.

As she neared the Hotel Cicero slash Clinic, the door opened and Cal came tumbling out rubbing his backside. Ignoring him crawling down the hall on hands wrapped in gauze thicker than any mummy's and whining pathetically, the Mediator stuck her head in the door.

"I'm heading to the Pub for a drink. Wanna come?"

Darry cocked one eyebrow at her, then flicked her head towards her husband.

Cicero turned from the window and gave his wife a hesitant look. "The fortifications seem to have moved closer to the building. Maximus is leading the rebuilding, I..."

"No," Darry interrupted succinctly.

"Ah, excusing me, vench," came from behind Laure, making her yell in surprise.

"Who you calling a vench?" She scuttled into the Clinic out of Haken's path as he shouldered through the doorway.

"Maximoose is needing all mens to be helping vith new vall."

Cicero was already gathering his toolbelt before Haken was half through with his orders. He smooched his wife, then strode out the door, yelling at Haken to follow him because they had a wall to build and he had some new ideas on making cement blocks stronger.

"I guess I'll have that drink," Darry sighed, then glanced at the frilly dress and cute shoes in Laure's hand, and added, "Vench."

Laure kicked sand at her, and they raced down the hall laughing.

*****

Outside behind the Pub, Maximus was marshaling his troops and several other men into building the greatest wall known to mankind.

As they toted and hefted and cemented, the men chanted, "Must save the beer. Must save the beer."

Jael watched them for a while, then got bored with the incessant chanting and, rolling her eyes, walked past them and into the Pub.

"Hey Jael. Can I get you something?"

"'Rita me, Judy." The Warrior-Princess took a seat next to Spike and gave the vampire an appraising look.

"Nice sword. Elvish?" Spike inquired.

"Roman."

"Neat. May I?"

Jael handed the sword over to Spike who waved it over his head, then admired the weight distribution.

"Very nice. Maybe you'd like to duel some evening." He gave her a broad grin, and Jael flushed and nodded.

Laure whacked him on the back of the head with one of her shoes.

"OW!" Grabbing his head, Spike glared up at his Wo.

Ignoring him, Laure took a seat and slipped her shoes on her feet.

"Wall's coming along nicely. Amaretto Sour, please, Judy."

"Vodka martini for me," Darry chimed in, reaching for the mixed nuts.

The Bartender began preparing drinks "The sand is getting out of hand."

"And am I imagining things, or is the campus getting bigger," Jael added, turning to look out the patio doors.

Everyone else looked that way and squinted at the Dorm in the far distance.

"Was the Dorm always that far away?" Judy asked.

"Don't ask me," the Nurse shrugged, accepting her drink.

Everyone turned to look at Laure.

"What?"

Judy rolled her eyes. "He's your whatever."

Spike scowled. "He who? You have enough hes."

"I just went along for the ride. Blame Dor and Dande and the Nurse."

"Sitting right here," said Nurse growled.

"So?"

The patio doors opened and Maximus strode in, wiping sweat from his brow. "Ah, Judy, could you perhaps spare a keg or two of ale? The heat is unbearable today."

"It's March first." Judy frowned heavily at the Mediator, then jerked her head towards the cellar. "Help yourself, Max. I'll put it on Laure's tab."

"Hey!"

"Your mummy, your heatwave, your tab."

Laure pouted and slammed back her drink, muttering, "Dor and Dande so owe me."

*****

Tara finally reached her men and slumped panting against the growing wall, too hot and tired to even admire the bare chests surrounding her.

"Captain?" Boromir asked, concerned.

"Who ordered a freakin' desert?"

"Nothing surprises me around here," Tyr muttered, leaning on a shovel.

Several Ewoks skittered by, floundering in the sand as they tried to make it to the rose garden closest to the building, the only one on the western side untouched by the desert.

"And the lake's receding. The only good thing about that is that we can now fix the fountains without deep sea diving gear."

"Joy."

Tara flipped her hand at the Nietzchean and accepted a plastic cup of beer from Boromir.

"It is hotter than the fires of Mount Doom."

"If two hobbits and a ring show up, I'm outta here," Tara announced, then chugged the beer.

*****

Having decided to 'check things out', Da Mastah and the General strode across the still grassy lawn on the eastern side of the administration building, oblivious to the heat as only Jedi can be.

"Did it always take this long to reach the administration building?"

Obi-Wan shrugged at his former Master, and tried to stop the disaster scenarios from playing in his head.

As they reached the building, Kendra and Ellie came out carrying to-go margaritas and wearing shorts and tank tops. Kendra immediately blanched beneath her new tan, dropped her drink, and went running for the lake.

Or, more accurately, the small pond.

"My lake, my lake!"

"Holy shit," Ellie muttered, lowering her sunglasses enough to peer over the top of them at the rapidly shrinking water. Kendra's yacht floundered on its side and the remains of at least three golf carts were now visible.

"This is not natural," Qui-Gon intoned.

"Though it's pretty typical," Obi-Wan added, sighing heavily.

*****

Grumbling and grousing over sand in her clunky shoes, Emmy entered her office and barked an order to Tanner. "Find someone, anyone, hire outside the campus if you have to, but get rid of the sand in the hallways."

"Sand? Oh, was that why it was so hard to walk this morning?" Tanner fumbled across his desk for the phonebook, then held it open up to his nose.

Emmy turned to her elf and smiled benignly at him. Legolas gave her a controlled glower. "Only seventeen days to go, and it's only nine to five." She plucked a gold foil wrapped chocolate coin from the plastic kettle he held, and gave his leprechaun outfit the once-over.

"My lady," the elf began painfully. "This is...undignified."

"Hey, at least you're out of the cupid wings." She turned and squeezed her way into her inner office.

"At least I had my bow and arrow then," he muttered after her, picturing her head mounted on the nearest wall, and thinking other, un-elflike thoughts.

Over the radio, Aragorn broke in after the extended version of 'Stairway to Heaven' finished. "We have a request from William the Bloody."

'Rock the Casbah' blared from the speakers.

*****

"Isn't that a bit cliched?" Laure asked her vampire.

Spike shrugged and downed his Guinness. "He won't play death metal, something about it reminding him of the sound of Orcs preparing for war apparently. This seems to fit the current situation here. Y'know, luv, the sun really does nothing for me."

"Just look at it this way. You could be out there sweating with the other men building a futile wall."

"It better not be futile," Judy growled, "If one speck of sand mars my bar..."

Jael came back in from checking on the progress. Said progress had halted for an ale break.

"Hey, Laure, who are the skimpily dressed girls fanning Commo?"

"...WHAT?" Jumping to her feet, Laure dashed out the door and past the wall, stumbled into the sand, and pitched over into Tyr's arms.

"Don't you have enough men?" Tara asked caustically.

"Grrr." Using Tyr as an inanimate object, Laure pulled off one shoe and then the next, then stomped off towards the now even more distant pyramid. She could just make out Commo and Imotep lounging beneath a large umbrella being fanned by several dusky beauties in silk veils.

*****

Sitting on her pretty chintz couch in her pretty pink sitting room, Dande tapped her fingernails impatiently on the antique telephone table as the phone in the Library rang and rang and rang....

It was finally picked up. "What?" growled Xani.

"Is that any way to answer the phone?"

"Hello mom," he grumbled, just like a scolded teenager.

"Is Dorotea there?"

"Sort of."

Dande cocked an eyebrow. "Sort of?"

The sound of flesh smacking against flesh was heard followed by a loud yelp and a "Wake up, her Puffiness is on the phone."

There was a lot more noises that Dande didn't want to think about, then Dorotea came on the line. "Huh?"

"Dor, we have a problem."

"Uh huh?"

"The sand keeps coming and, well, the campus seems to be...expanding."

"...What?" In the Library, Dorotea blinked open her eyes.

"Go look out the window."

"Window?"

"I know you have windows, Dor."

"But they're heavily shielded," the sun-fearing Librarian whined, as she struggled into her galabya and stumbled towards the windows that were covered by heavy blinds and thick velvet curtains.

Dor peeked cautiously out, then gasped and pulled the blinds apart. "When did you move that far away?"

"See?" Dande sighed and twisted the phone cord around her thumb. "I think we need to have a little chat with a certain mummy."

"You think this is his doing?"

"Unless one of your spells went flooey, I'd bet my last nickel on the Mummy."

"Crap." There was a sudden pathetic banging on Dande's front door. "I have to go, Dor. Someone needs me. We need to be able to speak to Imotep. Perhaps...well, I usually don't want to trust your spells..."

"Hey!"

"But we may need one to translate," the Wench finished, ignoring the interruption, as the knocking on the door grew louder and a wail began to sound.

"Actually, I was about to do one for Laure since Commo speaks Egyptian."

"Well, there's our answer right there. He can translate for us. I'll put on my boots, saddle my horse, and meet you at the pyramid in thirty minutes."

"Oh, okay." Dorotea hung up, turned yawning, and still half- asleep mumbled, "Apparently I need a horse."

*****

Dande opened her door and in stumbled Kendra wailing and babbling about her lake and her whatevers and her leprechaun. Frowning over the latter, Dande nodded and soothed and patted until the Water Ho began to calm down.

"Dor and I are off to see the Mummy and we'll get this all straightened out."

"My yacht is on its side, its SIDE."

"Your lake will be back to normal soon, I swear."

"The fountains, they're corroding from the sand, and do you know how many golf carts are in there? And if the water recedes," choke, "much further, that damn ring is going to be visible. Do we really want that? I don't think so. I need my water. I need it NOW."

More patting and soothing ensued, until finally Dande guided the panting, red-in-the-face Ho back to the guestroom. "Now, you just rest here in the dark and I'll send the nanny in with a lavender scented damp towel for your aching brow, and some cucumbers for you eyes. They're much too swollen for public viewing."

"That would be nice," Kendra stammered, dropping onto the soft mattress. "My poor, poor lake."

*****

Ready to greet the next visiting potential student and parents, Pelham stepped out the front door of the building, winced at the infernal heat, then gaped into the shimmering distance.

The entrance gates were no longer visible. All he could see was the pyramid and sand. Dunes and dunes of sand.

And a small pond full of odd, rusting objects.

If he squinted he could see the dorm in the far distance, though it looked like most of the underclassmen were erecting a tent city around the pyramid rather than walk the couple of miles to their rooms.

"Appalling."

Pelham glanced over his shoulder to find the butler glaring out the door, and nodded, then looked back at the sand. A horse trotted by bearing the Wench in full desert regalia--jodhpurs, boots, white silk blouse, white scarf around her luxurious hair. Dorotea dashed by him swaddled in black cloth, made 'yoo hoo' noises to Dande, and was swung up behind the Wench.

As they rode off, he shook his head in utter dismay.

"There is no way I can explain this to parents. Absolutely no way."

"Tea?"

Pelham turned to find Edward bearing a silver tray with matching tea service, two delicate Royal Doulton tea cups and saucers in the Lichfield pattern, silver spoons and assorted tea cakes.

And most importantly, a bottle of twenty year old Glenmorangie.

"Thank the Lord civilization remains in evidence even if only in the smallest corner of this madhouse," Pelham proclaimed to the Butler, who bowed his head and smiled benignly.

*****

Panting and perspiring through her extra-strength Wo deodorant, Laure finally made it to the two lazy men. She glared at the harem girls waving ostrich feather fans over Commo, and they giggled back at her.

"Who the fuck are these princesses?"

Commo's eyes widened in shock. "Beloved, please moderate your language in front of our honored guest," he hissed at her.

She grabbed his ear and jerked him to his feet. "Moderate my language? MODERATE MY LANGUAGE?"

Imotep said something in a haughty tone. Commo replied in the same tone.

Laure kicked him in the shin, which only served to bruise her toes and make her hop around in the sand, cursing. Finally she came to a halt before the Egyptian and pointed to each of the five barely covered dark skinned princesses. "Make them all go away now."

Smirking at her, Imotep clapped his hands and the princesses vanished.

Laure narrowed her eyes. "You understand a lot more than you're letting on, mister." As she glared at the former Mummy, Indy and Han jogged out of the nearly completed pyramid.

"Hey, look what we found buried beneath a statue of Osiris." Indy yelled, holding up a thick, black book.

Laure's glare turned deadly.

"It needs a key to be opened though," Han said, frowning at the bent knife in his hand which he'd obviously used to try to jam open the book.

"I'm not really sure how a statue of Osiris got in the pyramid, though," Indy continued. "I'm sure it wasn't on the original decorating plans."

As Imotep reached for the book, the General, Da Mastah, the Wench, the Librarian, and the Vet, who was tagging along for the fun, arrived together.

"Ooh, the Book of the Dead," Dorotea squealed, sliding from the horse's back.

"Oh crap." Ellie hurried to her men and snatched the book out of Indy's hands. "Where did this come from?"

"Beneath the statue of Osiris."

"There's no statue of Osiris on the plans."

"He mentioned that already," Han interjected. "Hey, when did the campus get so big. It's starting to look like Tatooine."

The General winced. "I knew it looked familiar." He turned to Imotep. "Mister Imotep, while I can certainly understand the need for an Egyptian history and language professor to be comfortable in his surroundings, something very odd is happening here."

Imotep crossed his arms over his impressive chest and frowned at the smaller man, then turned to Commodus who translated.

Loosely.

Indy frowned. "You left out the 'very odd is happening here' part." He translated Obi-Wan's message word for word.

"Something very odd is always happening here," Commo retorted.

"I'm still trying to figure out why exactly we *need* a professor of Egyptian history and language," Da Mastah muttered.

"Exactly. I can teach those subjects."

Obi-Wan turned to Indy. "Is there a lot of interest in those subjects?"

"Er..."

"Sure," Ellie jumped in. "We're all for ancient stuff."

Qui-Gon helped his wife off her horse and gave her a stern look. "Wishpuff, your gentleman friend seems to be making the campus grow."

Dande put on the extra strength doe eyes and nudged Dorotea to do the same.

"What? Oh." Dor tried, then gave up and walked over to Imotep. "Make the campus shrink. I can't risk tanning by having to walk miles to get anywhere."

Commo and Indy both started translating at the same time, and were interrupted by Imotep speaking perfect English.

"My kingdom must be beyond the barriers of space and time."

Laure and Ellie rolled their eyes at each other. Qui-Gon frowned. Dorotea groaned. The General scratched his head.

Commo leaned over and whispered loudly to his Beloved, "I thought this was *my* kingdom."

"I thought it was *mine*," Obi-Wan said to no one in particular.

"It's no one's freakin' kingdom," Laure yelled, waving her arms in the air before plopping down on one of the lounge chairs and reaching for an icy beverage.

Dande flashed her the 'come help me' look, but Laure ignored it and chugged a beer.

"Well, I'm not a *mediator*, but perhaps we can sit down and have a calm, rational discussion," the Wench suggested, and suddenly a bigger tent covered them and there were comfy chairs for all.

Imotep took the one on the dais.

They never got to the calm, rational discussion.

Clomping through the sand in her clunky shoes, Emmy arrived, took the seat next to the General and stated quite clearly over the heat and trek induced panting that, "You will return the campus to normal size, get rid of the sand everywhere but immediately around the pyramid, and restore the lake to normal before Kendra goes postal and loses the appointment book and/or shoots up the campus."

Alpha Ho and Alpha Male glowered at each other for several long minutes, then Imotep huffed, cursed something in Egyptian which made Indy snicker, and waved his hand.

Everything returned to normal and the tent and chairs disappeared, making everyone but the quick witted Jedi fall on their butts.

Obi-Wan helped Emmy to her feet and gave her a dazzling smile. "You handled that brilliantly."

"Of course I did, and just in time for our dinner appointment. Italian food, you in a white dinner jacket, cool James Dean roadster."

"I seem to be having a lot of white dinner jacket appointments these days," he said with a smirk as he took her hand and led her out of the sand and down the nearest garden path towards the administration building which was once again only a hundred yards or so from the pyramid.

Qui-Gon helped Dande to her feet and brushed the sand from her. "I'm still not sure why we need a professor of Egyptology."

"We want the grrls to have a well-rounded education, don't we?" Dande prevaricated, shooting him a doe-eyed look.

He frowned, but then finally caved under her look and wrapped his arm around her waist to lead her home. She grabbed her horse's reins and he trotted obediently behind the couple.

"So what do we do with this?" Indy asked, gesturing to the book Ellie still clutched.

"I'll take it to the Library," Dorotea offered, smiling guilelessly.

Ellie clutched the book tighter. "Uh uh, I don't think so."

"Hey, I'm the queen of resurrection spells around here."

"Yeah, and you'd probably call up Anubis' army or something."

"I bet I could sell it," Han offered. "Old, musty stuff brings a pretty bit of credit."

"There will be no selling of ancient artifacts. We'll give it to a museum," Indy growled protectively.

As they bickered, Commo lifted Laure to her feet and whispered in her ear, "You are much more beautiful and beguiling than those slave girls."

"Beguiling?" She felt the pissy mood slipping away and took a step towards him. He lifted one of her hands to his lips.

"Enchanting."

Laure smiled. "I think you mentioned something about a milk and rose petal bath?"

"I shall be your ever-worshipful attendant."

The smile widened and Laure leaned up to kiss her emperor.

*****

Later that night as various couples relaxed after a hard day's insanity, the single men gathered in the Pub once again assured that the beer was flowing freely, and Ellie slept with the Book of the Dead under her pillow, Aragorn's voice came softly over the radio.

"Something stirs beneath the sand...Evil approaches. Beware the darkness and listen for the drums. Orcs walk the night."

Grabbing his bow, Legolas slipped from his tree, peering into the quiet night.

Jael rolled from bed, grabbed her sword and ran to the tower window to survey the university's defenses.

Happily ensconced with the General on her yacht, Kendra turned off the radio and pulled her man back down for smooches with a "we'll deal with it later," look.

Laure groaned and rolled her eyes as she lolled in her warm milk bath, her feet being pampered by her adoring emperor.

And in his now finished pyramid Imotep smiled evilly to himself and plotted the beginnings of his own dynasty.

End?