Title: The Ascent of (the HSU) Man
Author: Nurse Darry
Rating: PH (Party Hearty)
Archive: er...
~*~
"Fewments!" the Elvin King shouted at the X-Box controls.
"Not on this carpet, bucko," Shana warned him as she once again attempted the sit-on-your-suitcase-to-close-it manoeuvre.
Elrond ignored her. In fact, he'd been ignoring her since that morning.
Shana, discovering that her noble EA had finally succumbed to the "Degeneration Toxin" (or "Degenerate Disease" as the Diva had coined it), made quick plans to join the rest of the Hos, Wos and Wenches at the Four Seasons.
She grabbed the handle of the bursting bag and made for her office door.
"And what am I supposed to do while you're away at the spa, O Mighty Queen of the Copier?" Crow had not been affected, mostly because he didn't drink, unless he wanted to look like a novelty garden sprinkler. And rust.
"Don't care. Bye!"
~*~
Laure examined her pedicure. She reclined on a bed of cushions, piled upon a lounger in the marble-decked communal baths in the Classical Wing of the hotel. A waiter brought her a goblet of wine. She looked over at her companions.
"You can't drink those things in here," she instructed Darry, watching the Nurse twirl an olive around in a martini glass. "You'd have to be drinking in the Art Deco Lounge for that."
"Well, then wouldn't you have to be in the Library rather than here to read 'Advanced Mediation Processes?'"
Laure turned the book over and looked at the jacket. "This? It's a romance novel. I just put the cover on it so Kymira would think I was working when she came into the office."
Next to them, Jael watched "Life of Brian" on a huge screen draped in vine leaves to hide the panelling.
All three women were wearing beautiful gowns and stolas, which, funnily enough, the hotel boutique had ample supply of.
Darry's mobile beeped. She picked it up from a bronze tray at her arm. "What?" She listened for a moment, her red nails sparking slightly. "Tell her yourself, pretty boy." She rang off.
"What was that all about?" Laure stretched as she thought about how the place could do with a tiger or two.
"That was LP. He wanted me to tell Dor that their coffins had just been chopped up for a campus bonfire."
~*~
The Library was packed. The Clinic was packed. In fact, thanks to Draco, a raging fire and fireman's axes, the Library and the Clinic had become one big room. And it was packed.
Any animal that stood still long enough had had a bandana tied around its neck. Including Cal. It was tied rather too tightly around his neck.
"Grrrr..." said Mr Vocab as he skulled a pint glass and then jammed it upside down on top of his head where it stayed, thanks to his horns holding it in place.
*
"A-Louie, Louie..." blared from the sound system someone had ripped out of the Pub. The boys may have obeyed Judy when they left her establishment, but that didn't stop them from stripping the place first.
"Oh-oh, baby!" sang the General and a bunch of drunken miners as they sat and swayed and swilled beer all over the place. "We gotta go now!"
"We be takin' it back to da OLLLLLD SCHHHHOOOL!" shouted Scott to Logan, and then both collapsed in a fit of collegiate hysterics.
*
LP hung up the Clinic phone. "I don't think she cared."
"Fuck 'em." Xani fired up another spliff. "Like I told my econ prof: 'This whole gross national product shit is wayyyyy too heavy for me to have to deal with at eight in the morning, ya know? So you either change the time of the class, or I'm gonna change my major!'"
"I have no clue what you're talking about. But gimme some more of that quality doobage." LP held out his hand.
*
Over by the "bar" (read: JenJen's desk), Haken deposited another two filched kegs. In the process, they flattened three of Dor's spell books. Blue smoke rose from underneath the casks and an evil hissing noise would have been heard if people hadn't been shouting "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
"Ahhh...nectar of the gods." Commo raced over and poured a round of drinks. He still looked quite regal despite being dressed in a pair of baggy shorts, Red Hot Chilli Peppers t-shirt and hightops.
Max and Cicero were dressed in their respective team colours and stood arguing over blind referees, good goal-keeping and the ridiculous amounts of money Real Madrid and Celtic were willing to shell out for players who would end up on the injury list after two games.
"Mas cerveza?" Max handed his Servant a brewski.
"Puredeadbrilliant, Bigman."
~*~
"Dor! You can't be serious! There's a bit of colour on that shirt." Dande watched Dor admiring herself in front of the mirror of the Four Season's boutique.
"Where?" Dor twirled around like mad and did a rather good impression of Space Dog chasing her tail.
"Just kidding. It's only the label."
"No way! Can't have that." Dor ran back into the dressing room in order to strip off the top.
"I wonder how Da Mastah is doing," Dande called, almost whimsically toward the cubicle. A series of beeps came back from behind the door.
Dor shouted "Well, I've just gotten a text message from Xani saying his old master just drank a yard glass in three seconds- a new HSU record."
Dande groaned.
"Of tequila."
Dande sat down on one of the quilted chairs in the boutique's dressing room, looking very pale.
"Xani says it was a good thing he was already in the Clinic."
Dande put a hand to her breast.
"But its okay, Dande, Spike's taking care of him."
THUNK
"Dande? Dande?"
~*~
"Man, they just don't make good guns anymore, you know?" Ardeth complained to Indy, Rick and Legolas.
"Yeahhhhh. This whole orc thing would be so sorted if I could just get my hands on a really big -"
"PIZZA!" Chazz shouted as a Dominos guy stepped carefully amid the party, distributing the enormous order that had been called in 1/2 hour ago. Thank goodness for Palpatine's Bank of Naboo platinum card.
The fire department should really have noticed the funny blue smoke, but instead they had descended upon the pizza guy, who barely escaped with his hat, let alone his life.
*
The Host opened the Admin door.
"We've had a complaint about the..." began the police officer, who slowly surveyed his surroundings.
"Noise?" the Host prompted.
"Uh..."
"Smoke?"
"Um..."
"Would you like a drink?"
The police officer was a second away from accepting when the tiger family chose that moment for a romp down the hall with His Majesty, the King of Siam or HSU or whatever it was that day.
"Nice chatting with you," said the Host warmly to the policeman's retreating back.
*
Prof Lupin and Giles sat by the Clinic's x-ray machine attempting to prove once and for all that there was a worm in the bottle of a Mezcal bottle (Qui-Gon hadn't quite managed to get that down him).
*
Slowly the blue smoke permeated the large room. One by one the boyz slowly came to their senses.
"Wha.. happened?" Obi-Wan asked, trying to understand how he'd gotten from the office water cooler to the Library and developed such a raging hang-over in the process. He didn't even try to figure out why he was wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt with a rubber chicken pinned to it.
Just then, there was a loud knock at the door.
~*~
"And here's one I took of him while he was helping Cal pull the arrow out of his butt." Julia passed the pictures around the large table in the hotel dining room.
"Riveting. Ky, pass the wine," Judy was hoping that she could drink herself happy rather than worry about the state of her bar.
Kymira passed the wine to Judy.
Kendra knocked over her water glass for the third time.
"Waiter!" Tara called. The waiter quickly fetched another glass and the two water Hos took the opportunity to admire his biceps as he poured.
"Some things never change," Donna said, dodging the roll JenJen lobbed down to that end of the table.
"Do you ever get the feeling that the boyz really do have a place at HSU?" Ellie asked.
"What do you mean?" asked Tasha, who was busily drawing on her serviette.
"Well, don't you think we'd all get bored without them? I mean, what else would there be to talk about?"
"Hey y'all, look at these fab new shoes I bought today!" Emmy called from the end of the table. Immediately everyone turned to see the Ho's purchases. After all, this was important. This was shopping.
~*~
"Okay Mr Solo, if you would just turn to the left."
FLASH
"And now to the right."
FLASH
"Thank you. Please step over to fingerprinting."
*
"Now, Mr Meridas, please empty the contents of your pockets onto this table."
*
"Mr Pelham, your date of birth-"
"It's Lord Pelham."
"Hey Bob, I think we've got one for the psych boys here."
*
"Right Mr Xanatos, that's one phone call."
~*~
"Hey guys!" Dor shouted down the table. "I've got another text message from Xani."
The End