Title: HSU - The Emperor's New Chair
Author: Emmy
Rating: WTDWTDG (What the Diva Wants, the Diva Gets)
Warning: Mary Sue to the nth degree. The fic stars only Emmy, the General, Kendra, Darry, Palpatine (yeah yeah, he's not the Emperor yet), and a special guest. It just sorta came out that way.

"For the last time. "Where can I get that chair?"

"My dear Dean, you must understand that being Chancellor of the Republic requires a great deal of discretion."

"Listen you," Emmy said, swinging her feet off her desk and pointing at her speaker phone quite emphatically. "I. Want. That. Chair."

"No."

"After all those peanut buster parfaits I bought you, THIS is the thanks I get?"

"The galaxy is ever changing, my dear. While your generosity was appreciated at the time, it is a simple fact that by virtue of progress, Dairy Queen now carries brownie fudge sundaes. I am afraid that your opportunity for favor has already passed," Palpatine replied.

"What??" Emmy exclaimed, pounding a fist to her desk.

"Now if you will excuse me, I have several planets to oppress."

"But--"

"I appreciate your call, but as you can imagine I am a very busy man. Perhaps Ms. Willis could assist you in this endeavor."

"Why you--"

"Cheers," Palpatine replied cooly just before the line went dead.

"Sure. Fine. Whatever," Emmy said, as she stood up and shoved the phone off her desk. "Like oppression is more important than my chair," she mumbled as she headed out to find the Nurse.

~*~

"Say what?" the Nurse asked, looking thoroughly blasé.

"I said, where did Palpy get his cool new chair?" Emmy said, hands on her hips.

"How the fuck should I know," Darry said, trying to look around the Dean to watch Cic trying to construct a moat bridge for Jael and Max's fort. "Ask him."

"Hello! I did ask him."

Darry's eyes suddenly darted up. "You talked to Palpatine?"

"Yup."

"What'd he say?"

"Blah, blah, dear this, dear that."

"He called you dear?" Darry asked dubiously.

"Yeah," Emmy replied a bit defensively, "why wouldn't he?"

"Damn, I really have neglected him for too long," Darry remarked. "He's losing his sense of style."

"Hey," Emmy said, stomping one clunky sandaled foot.

Without response, Darry brushed past Emmy. "Make sure Jael keeps him occupied, would ya," she said, flipping her hand toward Cic, "I have a phone call to make."

"What about my chair!" the Dean yelled after her.

"I dunno, try Ikea!" the Nurse yelled back as she walked toward the admin building.

"That's it," Emmy said, her expression brightening. "Of course, Ikea, why didn't I think of that."

~*~

"Yes, ma'am, I am quite certain that we do not carry any black leather Galactic Domination Chairs," said the Ikea customer service rep. "But we do have quite a selection of other black leather chairs that I'm sure would meet your needs."

"Freaks!" Emmy exclaimed, slamming down the phone. "Cretins and freaks," she seethed. "Thinking I am going to settle!"

~*~

The General hurriedly shoved the bag of Doritos into his desk drawer as Emmy came bounding into his office.

"C'mon, we're going to Coruscant," Emmy said, marching around him and to his computer to shut it down.

"Scuse me," the General said, trying to pretend like he didn't have a mouth full of chips.

"Are you eating Doritos again?"

"No," the General replied, shifting papers around his desk. "Why are we going to Coruscant."

"Because I need you to mind whammy Palpatine into giving me his chair."

The General crossed his arms and looked at Emmy.

"Don't Jedi frown at me," she snapped.

"Give me a reason not to, and I won't," he retorted.

The Diva arched a brow.

The General arched a brow.

"Oh just start boinking already and get it over with," Kendra yelled from the outer office.

"Who asked you," Emmy yelled back, clunking over and slamming the door. Then she turned back toward the General. "You can come along and mind whammy him, or I'm going by myself to steal it. Either way, that chair is mine."

"Emmy," the General sighed. "It's a chair."

"Oh no, it is not just a chair. It has a cappuccino machine, and a world domination simulator, and a bagel toaster, and an M & M dispenser, and a--"

"And I can hardly go around mind whammying people willy nilly."

Emmy gasped. "Willy nilly?? This is important!"

"And especially not Chancellor Palpatine," the General replied.

"Why not??"

"It wouldn't be sporting. Call it a gentleman's agreement."

"Gentleman's agreement? Ha! That gentleman thinks he can out maneuver me, and he's dead wrong. Besides, it's about damn time you started using your power for good."

"Excuse me," the General said with an annoyed glare.

"Fine, I'll fly there myself!"

"Fine!" the General replied as she threw open the door and marched out.

"I didn't want your stupid company anyway!" Emmy yelled as she passed through the outer office.

"And I didn't want to be your stupid company either!" the General shouted, then frowning upon realizing he called himself stupid. "What does she think I am, her magical Force slave?"

"Yeah, how rude is that," Kendra said, suddenly appearing in his office. "Here, whammy this, I can't get it open," she said, shoving a hermetically sealed package of staples in his face.

The General gave Kendra A Look. Not The Look, just A Look.

Kendra shrugged, "Fine, I'll use your lightsabre."

Thanks to finely honed Jedi reflexes, the General grabbed Kendra's hand before she reached the weapon. "I'll do it."

Kendra grinned and saddled onto the General's lap. "How shall I ever repay you?"

Finally grinning, the General replied, "I'm sure I can think of something."

And then a thought crossed his mind.

"Love, you don't think that when Emmy said she would fly to Coruscant herself she meant that she would actually fly herself."

Kendra gave the General her "you sure are cute when you're clueless" smile.

"Oh no," the General said with dread.

"Uh huh," Kendra said.

~*~

"How hard could this be," Emmy said as she began to push various buttons on the ship's control panel.

Fortunately for all of Estrogen County, the General had wisely decided to remove all armaments from the cruiser before bringing it to campus.

"Oh shit," the Diva said, as the ship suddenly lurched off the ground and tilted from side to side.

"What in all hells do you think you're doing?" the General shouted as he jumped into the open bay door.

"What??" Emmy replied defensively.

The General hurried to the pilot's seat and brought the ship under control before it nearly took off the elephant's head.

"You could have crashed," he said.

"But I didn't," Emmy said with a perky smile.

Setting the autopilot, the General sighed and rubbed eyes. "What am I going to do with you," he said with exasperation.

"Get me that chair," the Diva said with diabolical intent.

"Dear, it's a chair."

"Don't start with me, Jedi."

"You can have any chair you want," the General said.

"I want that chair."

The General groaned, dropping his head forward.

Emmy pouted in that perfect "If you really loved me you'd do this for me" Ho way of hers.

"This obsession isn't healthy," the General said.

"But," Emmy said, jutting out her bottom lip a bit more for effect as she slid over and onto the General's lap, "you're supposed to find my geekiness cute and my pathological obsessions quirky and endearing."

The General glanced up at her with a dubious expression.

Emmy stuck out her bottom lip even more.

The General smirked, "Your face is going to get stuck like that if you're not careful."

"You don't let me have any fun at all," Emmy said, swatting at his chest.

The General displayed a perfect Jedi frown. "That's my job."

Emmy laughed in spite of herself as the General smiled smugly.

"Don't get cocky," she warned.

"I wouldn't dream of it," the General replied.

"You're lucky you're cute."

"So you've told me," the General beamed.

Emmy rolled her eyes and stood up. "I'm still getting my chair."

"Yes, of course," he mumbled as Emmy began to pace in the cabin behind him as she plotted her chair coup.

~*~

"I have an idea," the General said as he and Emmy walked toward the Senate building.

"Don't even."

"How about we have some lunch and then look for a wedding present for Dor."

It took a moment, but Emmy did eventually trip over her own clunky shoes. "Huh, what??"

The General smiled, very proud of himself for having mastered the Ho diversionary tactic. "I'm sure we could find something very nice for her here," he said, steering the Diva off her path and toward the shopping promenade.

"What the hell are you talking about, a wedding present for Dor? She's not getting married."

The General tried not to let his glee show. Had he really scooped the Diva? "What do you think she and Xanatos would like?"

"Get out!" Emmy yelled, slapping his arm, once she realized he was serious.

"But don't tell anybody because I'm not supposed to know," he said with a wry grin.

Emmy turned to face him. "You are so putting me on, and you are going to suffer for it."

"I'm not," he said, raising his hands.

"And how the hell would you know anyway?"

"Poker," he replied.

"Poker?"

"Yes, poker. We know everything."

Emmy stood with her mouth hanging open. "How could I not have known this? And how could you have known before me?"

"Well, I am a Jedi after all."

"Oh please, Force schmorce, you can't even unlock your own handcuffs," she said, flapping her hand at him as they began to walk again.

"Who said I wanted to," he purred into her ear.

Emmy gulped. But then quickly came back to her senses. "Oh, no you don't," she said, faltering slightly as he gave her The Look. "Don't try and distract me from my mission."

"Oh look, ice cream," he said, guiding her toward the vendor.

"You are not playing fair," she said.

"Chocolate?"

Emmy smiled. "Of course."

With a very satisfied smirk, the General turned toward the counter and ordered. "You know, love, I'm sure I could call around to some friends at the Senate and find out where the Chancellor acquired your uber chair. Thank you," he said to the vendor as he took the ice cream. "Here you-- Blahst!" he cursed as he turned around and saw Emmy not standing right behind him but already on the other side of the street, scurrying up the steps to the Senate building. "Force schmorce alright," he muttered, quickly pawning off the ice cream to bewildered strangers as he took off across the street.

~*~

"No," Palpatine said as he saw the Diva flying into his office.

"Don't make me rip it out from under you," Emmy said. "Just tell me where you got it."

"Absolutely not."

"Emmy?"

Emmy paused, her brow wrinkling. "Darry?"

"Em, what the fuck are you doing there?" Darry's voice asked from Palpatine's speaker phone.

"I want my chair!" Emmy replied.

"Oh Jesus," Darry drawled.

"And how did you get past the front desk?" Palpatine said.

"I kicked her," Emmy said. "And she went down."

"Chancellor, a thousand apologies," the General said, halfway out of breath as he finally arrived on the scene.

"She went down from a kick?" Palpatine said with disbelief.

Darry laughed. "Check out her shoes."

The General took hold of Emmy's arm, "Emmy, I think we'd better--"

"Look at that chair! It is the perfect chair! It's everything I could ever want in a chair!" Emmy exclaimed.

Palpatine's eyebrows raised as he glanced at Emmy's clunky shoes. "I see," he said thoughtfully as he slurped on his frappaccino. "Pity, I suppose I will have to kill her now."

"What??" Emmy and the General said.

Darry could only be heard laughing.

"Oh, no no," Palpatine chuckled. "The help out front, I mean."

"Oh," Emmy and the General said before going back to bickering again.

"Such a shame," Palpatine said, shaking his head. "I had thought she was properly trained."

"Em, listen," Darry said. "Just get out."

"Excuse me?"

"I said get out. I've got one of those chairs in my closet."

"What? You told me you had no idea where--"

"C'mon, this is a basic tenant of dictatorial economics. You withhold the goods that the people want, thereby driving up the price to your own benefit," Darry explained. "I couldn't just offer it to you straight off the bat."

"She right you know," Palpatine said.

"Bitch," Emmy said.

"Clydesdale."

"Hey Darry, the Salvation Army called. They want their clothes back."

"Hey Em, the Lucas County Council called, they want their beard back."

The General and the Chancellor smiled cordially at each other and shared the Man Look of Sympathy.

"Darry, just give me the goddamn chair."

"How much money you got?"

"Lots."

"Sold."

"Excellent," Palpatine said. "Now, if you'll excuse me--"

"Of course," the General said, escorting Emmy toward the door.

"Why the hell didn't you tell me Dor was getting married," Emmy yelled toward the phone.

"Dor's getting what??" Darry replied.

"Yes," Emmy said, trying to march back toward the phone in order to dish, only to be thwarted by the General pulling her in the opposite direction.

"Yes," the General said, "and we're on our way to find a wedding present."

"Which one?" Darry asked.

"One guess," Emmy replied as the General dragged her out the door.

"NO!" Darry exclaimed with disbelief.

"Yes!"

"Good day," Palpatine said as the door shut, cutting off Darry's profanity.

"Now," the General said, "could we be normal people and find a present for Dor?"

"Sure, no problem," Emmy said. "I'll go shopping, and you can go hang out with Mace."

The General looked befuddled.

Emmy smiled, "Kitchen appliances, bed linens, dark arts talisman, that's no fun for you. You go on and hang with Mace, I'll meet you back at the ship."

The General frowned. "You're up to something."

Emmy shook her head. "I am the last person with a secret agenda right now. I have my chair, I'm happy. Now I just want to shop, and there's no need for you to follow me around and lecture me about what I don't really need."

"I don't lecture you about what you don't really need," he objected as they walked outside.

"Of course you do, dear," Emmy said. "Now go," she said giving him a quick kiss, "I have a lot to buy and not enough time to buy it. Go be a boy, I'll see you in two hours."

"Well alright," the General said hesitantly as Emmy took off toward the mall. Once he saw her enter the shopping center, he shrugged off that sensation of foreboding and headed toward the Temple.

~*~

"So, love, did you buy the place--" the General came to dead stop as he entered the ship.

"Obi-Wan!"

"Bail?" the General said with a surprised laugh as Bail gave him a Man Hug. He looked to Emmy, who was grinning proudly. "What are you doing here?"

"You told me to get Dor a wedding present," Emmy said.

The General's mouth fell open slightly. His eyes shifted over to Emmy, who was now nodding, then back to Bail, whose expression really hadn't changed. "Um, Bail, would you excuse us for a minute?"

"Of course," Bail answered.

"Emmy."

"Hmm?"

"Could we," the General backed down and out of the ship, gesturing for her to follow him.

"What is it?" she asked, following closely behind him.

The General shook his head. "You…you…."

"I?"

"Bail is Dor's wedding present??"

"Yeah!" Emmy replied. "I know, it was quite an inspired idea."

"Emmy, you can't give a person as a gift," the General said with much exasperation.

Emmy just gave him a blank look. "She totally digs him. And it's not like I had to twist his arm, he was all for it."

The General sighed and combed his fingers through his hair. Then he thought of another approach. "Emmy, Dor is getting married."

"Yeah?"

"As in marrying one man, til death do they part and--"

"Oh please," Emmy said, flapping her hand at him. "Dor's got three men already, what's one more?" And with that, she turned and re-boarded the ship. "Let's get a move on, gorgeous, I have a chair to claim!"

The General's lips vibrated as he exhaled loudly. "Ooookay," he replied, stepping onto the ship.

~*~

"Oh Bail, you're so funny, I don't know why you haven't come to visit us sooner," Emmy laughed as the General landed the ship on the HSU pad.

"Oh Bail, you're so funny," the General mimicked under his breath.

"What was that, sweetie?" Emmy called from the back of the cabin.

"Nothing, love," the General responded with a smile before going back to mumbling. "Oh Bail, tell me the story about how you saved the universe."

"Dor is going to be so excited to see you," Emmy said, taking hold of Bail's arm as the bay door slowly opened.

"And I'm looking forward to seeing her," Bail answered.

"And then maybe I'll just move in and start my own harem," the General muttered, imitating Bail's voice.

"Honey, are you coming?" Emmy asked over her shoulder.

"I have a few things I need to check here, sweetheart," the General replied with a big smile. "You go on ahead."

"Alright," Emmy said.

"Hey Kenobi, catch you later in the pub?" Bail asked.

"Of course!" the General replied jovially, giving a friendly wave until they were out of sight. Then he tossed his datapad aside. "Hey Kenobi, watch me catch all your women in the pub later?" he grumbled.

~*~

"Now THIS," Emmy said, leaning back in her World Domination Chair the following morning, "is living right." She laughed almost maniacally as the steamer shut off and the chair presented her with a perfect double tall skinny latte. "Come in!" Emmy called out when she heard the knock on her door.

"Um…Emmy?" the General asked, peeking through the four-inch opening, which was as far as her door would open with her desk pushed forward to accommodate her World Domination Chair.

"Oh yeah, check me out!" she said, waving for him to enter.

The General held his breath and squeezed himself through the door opening. "Wow, that's some chair."

"Mm-hmm," Emmy replied as she sipped her latte.

"I'm glad you're happy with it…but will people actually be able to get in your office?" he asked.

"Who cares," Emmy said. "They just bother me anyway."

The General chuckled.

"Well, they do!"

He walked forward and leaned against her desk. And then he laughed.

"What?"

"That is a very big chair. It makes you look…."

Emmy raised a brow as the General carefully chose his words.

"Petite and powerful."

Emmy grinned. "Yes, it's nearly big enough for two."

"Nearly?" he said, a slight smirk curving his mouth as he leaned forward.

"And what might you be suggesting?" Emmy asked, licking the latte foam off her lips.

"I am of the opinion that all theories should be tested," he said. "Sometimes over and over. Just to be sure, don't you agree?"

Emmy waggled her eyebrows and kicked off her shoes.

The General gave her a rakish grin. "Well then."

The End