Title: Time Travelers, Tesseracts and a Typical Tuesday
Author: Lost Laure
Rating: SIS (Spam Inspired Silliness)
Distribution: Sure, why not
Disclaimer: Not mine. Nobody who created any of these
characters really wants them back after we've had our hands on
them
A/N: Got a stupid spam, got inspired. There's really no point to
the fic, but it's just a typical day at HSU (and obviously was
supposed to be yesterday, but I didn't have time to finish it).
A/N2: Spike has been ensouled, ala Buffy Season 7, and is
nuttier than a fruitcake; Dande and Da Mastah are back.
~~~~~
Hello,
If you are a Time Traveler I am going to need the following
1. A modified mind warping Dimensional Warp Generator # 52 4350a series wrist watch with memory adapter.
2. Reliable carbon based, or silicon based time transducing capacitor.
I need a reliable source!! Please only reply if you are reliable. Send a (SEPARATE) email to me atTomnwrr@aol.com ~~~~~
Cal's eyes grew wider and wider as his mind stumbled over the message for a second time.
Then he uttered one word.
"Gosh..."
Turning bright red, he clapped a hand over his mouth and peeled one slightly torn gold star from his sticker board that had as its header 'Cal's Jedi Good Guy Stuff Board'.
'One demerit for swearing,' he jotted down in his tattered and dirty spiral notebook before tucking it away in his robes. A rather determined yet still sickly look grew on his face, and he stood up, getting only a slight headrush in his hurry.
"I must help this poor person. Surely we have a modified mind warping Dimensional Warp Generator # 52 4350a series wrist watch with memory adapter here somewhere."
*****
Meanwhile in the Dean's office...
"Spam...crap...spam...crap...spam...crap," Emmy muttered as she trashed most of her email. "Nigerian time-travelers? Okay someone has wayyyyy too much time on their hands." A click sent the final message to her trash box, leaving her with a ten dollar off coupon for shoes at Gucci online, some long-winded message on the budget from Shana, which she was pointedly ignoring, and a whining argument between two freshmen she was planning to forward to the mediator.
"Laure can deal with that mess. I have much better things to do."
And with that she opened up her web browser and headed to www.gucci.com.
*****
Feet on her desk, coffee mug in her hand, Kymira started her day as secretary and Padawan to the campus mediator by booting her favorite General wallpaper and settling back with the HSU Tattler.
"Huh. 'Guess the number of Butterballs in the Nurse's car and win an extra General appointment for Thanksgiving Day.' Boy, those are gonna smell."
She turned the page to get the sports' scores. Good, the HSU rugby team was still in first place in the league, thanks to Jael's semi-lethal tackles and Tara's kicking.
Must be all that kickstarting those fountains that got her such good practice.
At that thought, water splattered the window next to her and she rolled her eyes.
The inner office door opened and Commo strode out, looking quite perturbed and dressed for riding.
Kymira really didn't want to know anything about the whip he was thwapping against his jodpurred leg.
"Ah, Quintus' former courtesan, good. Have you seen my lady?"
"Quintus' former WHAT?"
As usual, he ignored everything that held little to no interest for him and asked again. "My lady Laure, have you seen her?"
"She's not in there?" Kymira gave up on being called a prostitute. She'd get him back.
She wondered where that rusted suit of armor had gotten to. Maybe she'd weld it onto him some night...
"No. I awoke and she was gone."
Kymira shrugged and leaned over to glance at the calendar. "No appointments today. She could be anywhere." As she spoke, the computer dinged and her email program popped up with a carbon-copied message from the Dean.
She blithely ignored it and sipped her coffee.
"This is most vexing."
"Can't make a move without her, huh?"
Commo frowned, thinking that perhaps he was being just slightly mocked...
"When you see her, inform her that I have gone riding and then on to inspect my troops."
As the fallen emperor sailed majestically through the door, Kymira muttered, "What 'my troops'?" and wondered if watching Commo get beaten over the head with the flat of Max' sword might be worth stirring from her seat.
The naughtily smirking General screen saver popped back.
"Nah..."
*****
Tara kicked the recalcitrant array of pipes on the edge of the lake, caught her foot in some weeds and nearly fell into the water.
"Hey, don't pollute the lake," Kendra yelled as she banged on some other pipes with a rusted wrench.
"These things are never going to work right. I think we need to invite the engineer who designed them to come and set them up properly."
"Don't you think he might notice they're not at the Bellagio anymore?"
Tara shrugged and pushed sweaty bangs out of her eyes. "We pay him enough, he probably won't care."
Kendra thought about that for a moment, then cursed as a leak sprayed her right in the face. "Okay, that's a plan. Let's hit the 'Net and see what we can dig up." Dumping the wrench in her tool box, she gathered up her gear and followed her sister Water Ho through the chilly morning back to the dorm for slightly less damp clothes.
The fountains spewed water in a random pattern, and one blast knocked an inland gull from mid flight and sent it plummeting into the lake.
It landed on the wet-suited and begoggled head of Tyr who rose to his feet and stomped out of the lake, his eyes behind the goggles narrow slits of fury. The gull fell off his slippery head- gear, fluttered for a moment, then gave an annoyed shriek and flapped its way to land.
Behind Tyr, Boromir floated to the surface and pulled his air hose away from his mouth.
"Where are they?"
Glancing over his shoulder, Tyr growled, "Gone. What a surprise."
A loud groan came from behind the two men. They shot each other looks and floundered from the cold lake just as the fountains belched up a mass of dead water lilies and a few fish.
"I don't think any of this is in our job description," Boromir complained as he peeled weeds from his shoulders.
Tyr simply kicked the nearest pipe and stomped up the slope towards the fire station and something hot and hopefully alcoholic to drink.
*****
"I will never grow tired of this," Julia murmured as she lined up another action shot.
Sitting on a padded bench, chin resting on a viewing stand set into the perfectly sculpted hole in the hedge, Judy sighed happily and pressed one hand to her warm cheek.
She could still feel the last brush of the General's lips from helping him "warm up" for today's sparring match.
Oh, they'd gotten warm...
Ten minutes into the match, Dorotea and Pelham wandered down the path. The Librarian was covered from head to foot in black, from a black wool cap pulled as low as it could go without impeding her vision...much--as she stumbled over yet another root--to her black woolen mittens to her black leather DMs.
Pelham was, of course, impeccably dressed in gray worsted wool with a lavender tie and diamond tie tack. After seating Dorotea at her customary spot, he took his own, leaning in to rest his chin on the back of one smooth hand on his lavender silk chin- rest.
"It's cold."
"Use the binoculars. Get a close up."
Dorotea groused a bit, but did so and was happily sighing within moments.
On the other side of the hedge, two masculine figures glided back and forth across frosted grass, wearing only tight, tight black leggings and leather boots. Lightsabers clashed, sending sparks flying into the chilly air.
Sweat glistened on muscular yet lean chests.
Hos, Wo and Pelham drooled.
"Do they think they're hiding from us?" Xani asked as the two men crossed sabers, straining against each other.
"Let them have their fun," Obi-Wan replied with a naughty grin. "We'll have ours later." He pushed free and danced backwards.
"Okay, we gotta do something to stop winter from coming, because if they stop sparring shirtless due to snow I might just cry," Jen Jen said.
"Winter's too much fun," Julia protested. "We'll just suggest they move it into the gym. We can hide behind the bleachers."
"We could just sit on the bleachers," Judy suggested.
Julia thought about that for a moment. "No sneaking around? No slipping through the shadows? No clandestine pictures?...No fun!"
The Ho's all giggled.
Dorotea sneezed. "Xani better make this up to me. I'm freezing my butt off. I probably have frostbite on important parts."
"You could go to the Nurse," her Padawan suggested helpfully.
The Librarian shot Jen a baleful look.
"Or not."
*****
Cal poked through the dark and musty basement, sneezing occasionally as he searched for a modified mind warping Dimensional Warp Generator # 52 4350a series wrist watch with memory adapter. Of course, he wasn't quite certain what one looked like, but surely it would be clearly labeled.
Carefully moving aside boxes labeled, 'Student Records, 1999- 2000, Touch on Pain of Death', he fell over a pile of old rugs and then screamed.
A mouse trap dangled from his nose.
*****
Awakened rudely by a girly scream, Spike growled and grumbled and yanked on his tight, tight black jeans. Stomping away from his cot, he nodded disagreeably at the various ghosts lounging against the walls of his small room, stepped over a puddle of ghostly blood, and put his foot through a very annoying vision of the Poof whining about all those he'd killed.
"Don't see me whinging and brooding for a century." He patted a little girl ghost on the head, then grimaced as the head toppled to her feet. "Oops."
Deciding to ignore them, he headed for the sounds of real whimpering, determined that chip or no chip someone was getting an arse whipping for waking him after barely two hours of sleep.
At least going off his nut hadn't inhibited his libido.
Dazed for a moment by happy memories of Laure driving his ghosts away, if only for a few hours of bliss--no happiness clause for him, that's for sure--Spike nearly fell over Cal who was clawing pitifully at his bleeding nose.
"Don't waste it, you nit."
At the sight of the vampire in full game face, Cal screamed again and fled the basement.
"I was just going to lick it," Spike called after him plaintively.
*****
Going through her mail Shana came across an ivory vellum envelope addressed in elegant script to Elrond of Rivendale. Stamped all over it in bright red were 'Urgent' and 'Fourth Notice'. Shana glared at it and tossed it in her overflowing trash can.
He was not leaving her to go off and fight some stupid war. There were plenty of stupid wars he could fight here.
Picking up the next envelope, she scowled even harder.
Legal fees.
Opening the envelope, Shana drew out a thick stack of invoices and began sorting them to forward to the various departments and students.
Then she picked up her phone. "Em? What's up with the two grand in legal fees to clean up parking tickets for you and half the dorm on Coruscant last month?...Uh huh...Ohhhh, shoe sale? Okay, no problem. I'll pay it out of the discretionary fund." Hanging up, she stuck that invoice in her 'to be paid' box.
Some bills were worth it.
*****
The General strode into his office, freshly showered and dressed in a clean, black uniform, and smiled at Kendra and Tara who were huddled around the computer. They both wavered a bit, but then went back to googling.
"Who's my first appointment, Kendra dear?"
His secretary didn't even glance at the sacred calendar. "Laure. She's late."
The glorious smile turned into a concerned frown. "Laure? She's never late."
"Five more minutes and her appointment goes to Emmy. Oh, there it is, Tara!"
"You're not in the least concerned?" the General tried again.
"I'm sure she's fine. She's in good er...she's fine." Damn ungrateful Wo, she was probably with one of her harem and screwing up the day's precious and precise schedule.
"Perhaps you could check on her?" Obi-Wan suggested.
Kendra turned to him as Tara began jotting down phone numbers for the firm that had built the Bellagio Fountains. "I talked to Ky five minutes ago. She hasn't seen her Master."
"She was fine last night," Tara added helpfully. "True, she was dangling upside down from her trapeze after having perhaps a tad too many glasses of wine, but she didn't fall off or anything."
Obi-Wan sighed. "Okay, well, when you hear from her do try to fit her in sometime today, Kendra. I was looking forward to our late breakfast."
"Sure, gotcha." Kendra turned back to her partner in crime and opened up their online bank accounts. "Okay, how much do you think this will cost?"
Tara whipped out her Offworld card.
*****
Across the hall, having been alerted to the possibility of a free appointment, Emmy began to squeeze her way out of her room. As she wriggled between the desk and the wall, she decided that it was really time to expand her office.
The Nurse didn't need all that space anyway. She was rarely in her Clinic.
*****
Said Nurse was lolling in a bubble bath, being fed energy bars and Gatorade by her husband as he nibbled on her neck.
"I have to go to work."
"No you don't," she argued, popping a banana in his mouth.
He chewed and tried again. "General Maximus wishes to refortify the defenses."
"That's just busy work. I have much more important work for you."
"I fear he will not see it as such," Cicero replied mournfully.
"And, in the end, who matters more?"
The former servant didn't even have to think about it as he dove beneath the water to tickle his wife.
Laughing, Darry tugged him up for air and then drove it from his lungs with a passionate kiss.
*****
Sniffling and wiping his bleeding nose, Cal wandered into the Library. He had given up on trying to find the object without first knowing what one looked like. Surely here was the place to gather that information.
"Hello?" he asked hesitantly, peering cautiously around a tall stack of returned books. The last time he'd entered the Library the sight he'd seen had made him faint.
Nude wrestling was just a bit too Greek for him.
Sidling carefully into the middle of the room, he looked around...and around...and around. After getting another nose bleed, this one from getting dizzy, he whimpered.
Where should he start?
They were lots of books, mostly in boxes and piled all over the floor. Some magazines. And a computer.
It looked much more complicated than his own system.
Where was the card catalog like the one his mommy had taught him to use to find Jedi Academy books when he was a child? The familiar wooden cabinets with long drawers that could really hurt your foot when dropped on it were nowhere in sight.
Sighing forlornly, Cal took a seat at the computer and hesitantly touched the mouse with one finger.
The screen lit up with pictures of the Administration Building and lists of links for the Library, including one for an Online Catalog. Smiling happily, Cal gripped the mouse and clicked on that link.
What happened next really wasn't his fault.
*****
At the loud boom everyone more or less stopped what they were doing for a moment, but interest was cool at best.
"Shouldn't we see what happened?"
Emmy frowned up at the overly concerned General and then glanced at the door. "As long as this room isn't on fire, no." Wrapping her fingers around the braid she tugged him down for another kiss that sent all thought rushing from his brain.
Kymira glanced at the door, also noticed the lack of smoke, and went back to the latest Cosmo, pointedly ignoring her homework.
The Nurse and her husband didn't even hear the boom as their bedsprings were making way too much noise.
Tara made sure it wasn't the fountains exploding before she and Kendra returned to dealing with snippy Las Vegas operators.
Judy made sure it wasn't one of her kegs exploding before she went back to polishing her bar and keeping an eye on the latest odds at Churchill Downs.
Other Ho's, Wo's, and men of all kinds went about their business as usual. Weird booming noises really weren't all that uncommon, after all.
An arm around the waist of her husband and her wife, Dorotea booted open the swinging doors to the Library and coughed as plaster dust encased them.
"What the fu...?" Her voice died away as she gazed in horror at the gaping hole in the far wall of the Library and the slow rain of dust and papers and burning book bits.
"It's either that damn car or that damn dragon," Xani cursed, hurrying to his precious Xbox.
"My lady, I believe this space is truly cursed. Perhaps we should relocate..."
"My Library," Dorotea mourned.
Cal peeked out from beneath the remains of the table. "All I did was click the mouse."
Xani hauled him to his feet, hands clenched around way too many yards of moist wool tunic. "What?"
"Yes, truly cursed," Pelham pronounced.
"It wasn't my fault, I swear, I didn't do anything, I just need to find out what a modified mind warping Dimensional Warp Generator # 52 4350a series wrist watch with memory adapter looks like for this nice Nigerian time traveler..."
As Cal babbled, Xani dropped him unceremoniously at his feet and stepped over him to watch the wall reform itself.
"Well, at least one of your spells works."
Dorotea shot her husband a nasty look and brushed white plaster from her wooly hat.
*****
The day progressed as days tended to at HSU--in fits and starts, through yells and tears and laughter.
At 11:30 Ellie caught Kymira coming out of Advanced Body Paint 515. "Hey, where's your boss?"
"Haven't seen her. She doesn't have any appointments, there's a shoe sale at Nordstrom, do the math."
"She had an 11:00 appointment to get Little Spike's teeth cleaned."
Kymira shrugged. "You know her and shoes."
"Kinda like my Master and handbags." Ellie grinned. "Lunch?"
"Wangers?"
"Hell yes."
*****
Despite a few students heading for Wangers to ogle men unattached to HSU, the Pub was doing a roaring business at noon. Gourmet lunches were served in its comfortable atmosphere rather than the dining hall, due partially to the excellence of the Pub's libations and partially to the fact that all the best gossip could be heard within its paneled walls.
"Now, why did the Library blow up again?" Shana asked, hoping there would be no paperwork involved. With the semester winding down, she was buried already.
"Cal's fault." Dorotea shrugged and took a bite of her chicken sandwich.
"How?"
The Librarian shrugged again. "It's Cal."
"Ah."
"What do you mean you can't give the lecture until after Thanksgiving? We need it now," Kendra ranted into the Pub phone.
Tara hovered on the patron side of the bar looking anxious. "Give him more money," she hissed.
"We have a really interested group who want to learn every in and out of the Bellagio fountains," Kendra tried sweetly. "We're...er...they're desperate. One thousand more per day." A moment later she flashed Tara a grin and a thumbs-up.
Pouring drafts for a gaggle of men watching Passions, Judy gave her Padawan the patented narrowed eye look that asked 'just what are you up to now', then turned to the Ho's sitting at the bar. "That doesn't sound good."
"Anything to get those fountains working is good. They're about to drown my wintering roses," Shana snarled.
A dreamy look replaced the other one on the Bartender's face. "Oh, I don't know. Just yesterday the General and I got caught in a burst of water and he started singing 'Singing in the Rain' to me..."
"Well, okay, granted it can sometimes be romantic, but not, for instance when Scott and I are duked up and heading out to the theater, like the other night."
"We're fixing them, we're fixing them," Tara hissed.
"Why don't you just shut them off?" Julia asked, trying to be helpful.
Tara looked at Kendra. Kendra looked at Tara, then returned to giving directions to the chief engineer. Tara gave the Ho's a sheepish look.
"We tried. They're stuck."
A blast of water hit the reinforced patio doors.
*****
Drenched from an eruption of water coming halfway up the front lawn, Cal trudged determinedly towards his shed. He'd have a hot shower--well, lukewarm--and a pb & j sandwich with the crusts cut off and then he'd try the Library again.
Surely it wouldn't blow up twice in one day.
*****
Maybe a visit to Lady Laure was in order first thing after lunch. He was still shaking from his encounter with that evil fallen Jedi.
Two years later and Cal still didn't have the nerve to ask the General why he allowed the dark side to maintain an influence on campus. Perhaps once he helped this poor time traveler, he'd have more courage.
Yes, that was the ticket.
Another deluge of cold lake water poured over his head.
He could hear Ewok snickering from the bushes.
Time to get rid of those beasts as well, especially since they were no longer worshiping him, but had taken to putting nasty things in his bed, socks, Obi-Wan Kenobi thermos...
Yes, he'd have all the Jedi courage he needed once he helped this poor time traveler.
*****
Having looked for Laure after his ride again to no avail, Commodus ate a hearty lunch, then girded his loins to face down his foe.
Really, it had been years since all that nonsense in Rome. Hadn't killing each other been enough?
As he strode towards the main tower of the battlements being erected approximately ten feet to the south of their previous location, he nodded benevolently at his subjects. He was dimly aware that they had once been his slaves, but he had finally come to accept that slavery was no longer acceptable.
Such a pity.
Spotting Maximus in the distance dirtying his hands by lifting timbers with his slaves...er...workers, Commo turned in that direction, only to be intercepted by the combination Amazon/Fury.
"What do you want?"
Gritting his teeth, he smiled. "I have come to inspect the battlements and my troops." He glanced around. "Where are my troops?"
"Max's troops are patrolling the North Woods. Why don't you go look for them there?"
Commo waved that off. "I shall await their return and several baths before my inspection. Show me the battle works. What new weapons have you developed?"
Jael gaped at him. "What's with the interest?"
"I must ensure my lady's safety," he explained patiently. "I have several ideas for new methods of garroting enemies." He patted his Italian leather briefcase. "I am certain that Maximus will find them fascinating."
"Yeah...sure..." Jael looked around frantically for Quintus or anyone to distract the mad emperor.
As she was looking around, Commo stepped around her and proceeded quickly down the packed earth path.
"Hey!"
Approaching the construction site with Jael hot on his heels, Commo stepped carefully around mounds of debris and donkey dung.
He knew there were modern marvels for construction. Trust Maximus to remain in the dark ages.
Spotting his long time nemesis and murderer of his family, Max dropped the load of timber from his shoulder and glowered.
Oblivious to the tension, Commo smiled graciously, his lips only twitching slightly when he sank one foot into a donkey pattie. "Maximus, I have come to observe your progress and perhaps make a few suggestions."
"Commodus," Max acknowledged through tightly clenched teeth, his hand automatically reaching for his sword which in no way could fit in his loincloth.
Jael dashed between the two men. "Commo, I'll show you around. Max, go clean up so you can take me to a late lunch."
Nodding, Commo turned his attention to the earthworks, wondering why there were toy soldiers arrayed across them.
"What is he doing here?" Max hissed to Jael.
The Warrior Princess shrugged. "Just let him look around. What harm can it do?"
Max simply gave her an incredulous look and strode over to his mortal enemy.
"I like this improved catapult."
"Out."
Commo sighed. "Maximus, my old friend, surely it is past time to move forward."
"Out."
"I have some brilliant designs for weapons, especially the ones for throat cutting. That's your speciality, right?" The innocent look in the emperor's eyes took on a malicious gleam.
"OUT."
"Pettiness does not become you." As he turned to leave, Commo looked at Max in his loincloth, then down at his own elegant yet masculine chinos, linen shirt and silk tie, comparing their outfits and their shoes. First century falling apart leather and string boots, and Italian loafers.
"There are benefits to this time, Maximus. Of course, you always were a barbarian."
Commo never saw the hilt of Jael's sword cracking across the side of his head.
*****
"I knew I should have gone to work," Cicero sighed as he handed instruments to his wife.
"And what? You would have stopped Jael from opening up this nitwit's head?"
Commo lay on the exam table groaning piteously.
Before Cicero could answer, the door opened and Spike stuck his head in, his nose in the air.
"I smell blood." His eyes lit up when he spied his nemesis lying vulnerable and bleeding before him. "Lunch!"
"Out," Darry directed as Spike started to drool. "And get your head fixed. Insanity is only attractive when it comes with mounds of money."
"It's all Buffy's fault," Spike muttered, starting to rock from foot to foot, his eyes never leaving the bleeding gash in Commo's head.
"Probably. Go tell Laure."
"Can't find her."
"Smart girl," the Nurse muttered, finishing her stitches and tossing the instruments in a basin.
"Can I lick those?"
"OUT."
*****
Dande returned to her office from a late lunch of bouncing Da Mastah, and found Cal hovering outside her door. Resisting the urge to dash back the other direction, she straightened her dark pink skirt and headed into battle.
"I couldn't find Miss Laure," the Padawanabe whined.
"And you need to see her why?"
Cal started to tick off points on his dirty fingers. "The water keeps attacking me. The Ewoks are threatening me. The Dean threw her trash can at me...again. And the Library exploded on me."
Dande stared at him for a full minute as she thought several unladylike curses.
"Plus I'm trying to find a modified mind warping Dimensional Warp Generator # 52 4350a series wrist watch with memory adapter."
"Huh?"
*****
"So, how was England?"
Qui-Gon looked around his homey den with English hunting pictures on the walls and tartan pillows on the leather couch, and smiled at his former apprentice. "Much like home."
"Well, you were all missed. I could have used your help in Las Vegas."
"Grrls in jail?"
Obi-Wan grinned. "You know it. Plus, a few odd fires, and I swear there's not a shoe or handbag left on the Strip."
"How'd you do at the tables?"
More grinning. "Very well."
His Master gave him a look.
"I didn't cheat," the General protested, the picture of innocence.
"Xanatos cheated and tried to rob some place," he added, trying to shift attention away from himself.
Qui-Gon chuckled.
*****
Pelham reclined on a chaise lounge picking plaster dust out of his hair while Dorotea stood behind the counter shuffling through books trying to figure out why the Library had blown up.
Again.
Xani was playing the latest Attack of the Clowns game, totally unperturbed.
"You know, Kenobi should sue someone. He looks hideous in this game. Bushy beards should only be worn by...well, no one, but it certainly doesn't suit him."
"No kidding. We're probably going to storm the Ranch again or something. And stop distracting me. I gotta figure this out."
"It fixed itself, Dorotea. Why bother? I swear we're under a curse," Pelham pointed out again.
"Why would anyone curse us?" Dorotea gave him a look of pure bafflement.
Xani started to snicker and got his computerized head shot off.
*****
Aragorn nimbly climbed the tree, alighting near silently on the floor of the elaborate tree house.
Totally silently Legolas had him on his back, disarmed.
"Sorry. I thought you were that female who likes to fondle my braids."
With manly hand-holding, they helped each other up, and Legolas poured them each a cup of homemade ale.
Taking a sip, Aragorn coughed and spoke in a squeaky voice, "Very good."
"Two days old."
Aragorn swallowed the fiery brew, then set down the mug to remove a missive from his belt pocket.
Spying it, Legolas nodded. "Ah, yes, I have one as well."
"We are needed. Merry and Pippin are lost. Frodo and Sam may need our help in the future. The fate of Middle Earth hangs in the balance."
"So, to battle my friend?" The elf raised his mug.
Aragorn sighed softly and mimicked the gesture. "I'd begun to get used to this place."
"We can always come back. In fact...I doubt the ladies here will let us leave without a promise to return."
The two men grinned at each other.
"They do seem to appreciate us." Aragorn leaned against a tree trunk and took another sip of his drink. "My newest lady has the most amazing bathing tub..."
*****
"So, this message wasn't meant for me?" Cal repeated for the fourth time in as many minutes.
Dande took a deep swig of tea, wishing it was spiked, and nodded.
"But then why did I get it?"
"Everyone got it. It's called spam."
"It doesn't look like spam. My mommy used to make fried spam sandwiches for me on Saturdays."
"It's like junk mail, but for email."
"That's a silly name for it."
"It doesn't matter." Dande gritted her teeth and silently counted to ten. "I'm going to have someone set your email filters to high so you no longer get any of these kind of messages."
Cal frowned and squirmed. "So, does that mean that those pills I sent away for really won't make my...um...manliness longer?"
Dande thunked her head on her desk.
"Mrs. Dande?"
*****
"But, why can't I accompany you?"
Aragorn and Legolas looked at each other, then took identical draughts of ale.
"What?" Boromir frowned and pounded his fist on the table.
"Hey," Judy yelled. "That may not be my precious bar, but I take exception to damage to any of my furniture. You want to be cut off?"
Boromir turned a sheepish look her direction. "Sorry." Then looked back at his companions. "Come on, men. A battle is nigh. The Fellowship reforms. I should be there."
"Um, Boromir..." Legolas began.
Aragorn clapped his fellow human on the shoulder. "You are needed here. You have a position, a duty to protect this place from the flames of war."
"I am certain my comrades at the Fire Station can take over my share of the duties. 'Tis mostly rolling and unrolling hoses and putting out practice fires."
Aragorn and Legolas gave each other another look, then sighed.
"Look, Boromir, you can't come with us because...
"You're dead," Aragorn finished flatly.
Boromir gaped at them, then poked at his chest. "My heart beats."
"You died and you awoke here, and here you must remain. You cannot return to Middle Earth."
"Bollocks. I'm alive, I tell you."
"Apparently this resurrection happens a lot around here, but who knows what might happen if you were to leave."
"I did leave. I went to that place of bright lights and loose women."
"Yes, but so did everyone else here," Legolas explained patiently.
"...Ah. So, it is my companions and my captain who keep me alive?"
Aragorn nodded. "Apparently."
"Well...I don't want to risk not being alive." Boromir chugged his ale, then clapped both men on the backs. "Good journey, fellows. I'll fill you in on the happenings on Passions on your return."
*****
Happy Hour rolled around and found the vast majority of administrators, upperclassmen and "teachers" in the Pub.
Having had two appointments that day, Emmy sat at the bar, one elbow on a napkin and her head in her hand, yawning happily as she twizzled her mega margarita.
Kendra strolled in and reached for her apron, addressing Emmy, Judy, and Julia who was flipping through guesses to the latest beemer challenge. "Okay, the fountains will be fixed by the weekend. Tara and I arranged for the original engineer to visit for a guest lecture and we'll get him to set the fountains to right."
"And you don't think he's going to notice this isn't the Bellagio?" Judy asked her Padawan.
Kendra shrugged and started to slice lemons. "We're paying him not to care."
"Where's the money coming from?" Shana asked, plopping down next to Julia and signaling for a double.
"Well, there's our monthly diamond stipends, the remnants of the lottery winnings, our Vegas winnings, well what we didn't spend in the slot machines at the airport, my stapler fund, the fund Tara raised to buy the firemen new uniforms, and other money." Kendra mumbled the last.
"You're not going to end up in jail are you?" Julia asked, a tad eagerly.
"Only if Xani throws us in. We took out the largest chunk of money with our Offworld cards."
"That's my Padawan," Judy said, smiling proudly.
Over at one of the tables facing Sports Center, Commo winced as he pressed an icepack to his wounded head and glared daggers at Maximus, who had one arm proudly around Jael as he regaled her prowess to the men who hadn't been there.
The fallen emperor ignored Quintus fussing on one side of him, and the vampire leering on the other side of him, and daydreamed of horrible, gut-wrenching ways to make Maximus pay.
He, of course, did not blame the Lady Jael. She was surely only following the brute's commands.
Kymira, Ellie and Jen Jen walked in, and, seeing the white bandage wrapped around Commo's head, Kymira swore and looked around for her master.
"Okay, this is officially getting weird. The idiot emperor's hurt and my master is no where in sight?"
Jen Jen shrugged and headed for the bar. "She'll turn up."
"Sure, we always do," Ellie added, strolling towards her harem, who were drinking and playing cards.
The Nurse and her husband entered the Pub. He kissed the back of her hand and went over to his General. She melted for a moment, then scowled at the sight of Commodus drinking wine.
"I told you, no booze."
"This is wine, not booze."
Darry rolled her eyes and took the bottle and glass away from him, then went to the bar and plunked them down. "Where's Laure?"
"Shoe shopping," seemed to be the consensus.
"Well, given the option of shopping over hovering over meglomania boy..." Darry grinned. "'Rita me, Judy."
"Hey, did you hear that Aragorn and Legolas are heading off to the Two Towers?" Ellie mentioned, coming to the bar for drinks and fresh nibblies, then looked at Shana. "Is Elrond going, too?"
Shana gave her a totally innocent look. "Two Towers? Is that a spa?"
The Ho's chuckled.
"They'll be back. They have it way too easy here," Julia said, grinning.
"You should have seen them explaining to Boromir why he couldn't go, too," Judy added.
More laughter erupted, and the General strolled into the Pub with Tara at his side, fresh from an invigorating shower. Many greetings ensued.
The General clapped his hands together eagerly. "What a wonderful Indian Summer we're having. Who's up for leaf raking tomorrow. They're just the most glorious colors."
At the uncomprehending stares he got, he grinned and his eyes twinkled. "Okay, who's up for raking leaves into huge piles, jumping in them and have leaf ball fights?"
"Me!" rang out from the assembled Ho's.
"And then hot cider and some of chef's warm pumpkin bread?"
"Definitely," the Diva added. "Okay, classes are cancelled for tomorrow."
"Oh, I hadn't thought of that. Are you sure the students can afford to take time off?"
Emmy gave the General a look, then pressed a hand over her mouth to keep from snickering.
"No problem, Obi-Wan," Shana said smoothly. "We'll call it Fall Break."
"Yeah, we could use one. All that homework sure piles up," Tara added, a completely innocent look on her face.
The General gave his gathered students and staff concerned looks that sent them all melting against the bar. "We're not working you all too hard, are we?"
"We'll survive. Being a student is supposed to be tough," Jen replied, also striving for that innocent look.
More laughter erupted, and the General just grinned.
The door to the Pub swung open and Laure marched into the room wielding a very bent sand wedge. Ignoring various greetings, she headed straight to Commo's table and banged the club down.
"Hey, watch the table tops," Judy shouted.
"Laure, dearest, I've missed...Is that my sand wedge?" Commo asked, rising gallantly if a little woozily to his feet.
"Yes and..." She finally noticed the bandage. "What happened to you head?"
"Never attempt civility with barbarians. I..."
She interrupted him with a wave of her hand. "As long as you're not dying, never mind. Guess where I found this."
"My golf bag?"
"HA."
"Laure, is everything all right?" the General asked, coming up behind her with several Ho's trailing him.
She turned and smiled at him. "Just a little domestic dispute. Nothing to worry about." Her smile faded. "I'm sorry I missed our breakfast appointment."
"No worries. Perhaps we could have an early supper?"
The smile returned and she nodded.
"How was the shoe sale, boss?"
Laure blinked at her Padawan. "What?"
"Nordstrom? 50% off? Isn't that where you were all day?" Kymira asked.
"I missed a shoe sale?" the Mediator wailed, then rounded on Commo and poked him in the chest with her finger. "Want to tell me how your stupid golf club ended up jamming the entrance to the tesseract in my closet?"
"What's a tesseract?" Julia asked Kendra, who shrugged.
"It's her expandable shoe and handbag storage area. It's in another dimension," Kymira explained.
"How come I don't have one of those?" asked the Diva.
Commo gave his beloved a sheepish look. "I must admit I was in a hurry this morning looking for my riding crop and might have bumped into my golf bag, but I swear I didn't know you were in there."
"I did," Spike smirked, having left her in there after their rendezvous while Commo slept the sleep of the innocent and completely evil in the big bed.
Laure thwapped her vampire's ear, her attention never leaving the fallen emperor.
Bowing low, Commo raised her hand to his lips. "I beg your forgiveness, my lady. I shall strive to always know your whereabouts from now on."
Realizing that really wasn't such a good idea, Laure sighed and accepted his apology. "No, that's okay. Just make sure I'm not locked away anywhere." She patted his cheek and murmured, "Make sure you take some aspirin for you head, dear." Turning to the General, she took his arm. "I'm starving. What was that about supper?"
As the General and Laure left the Pub, Darry turned to Dorotea and whispered, "Remind me to set up cameras in Laure's closet."
"Check. Are we telling her about them?"
"Hell no."
And thus ended a fairly typical day at HSU