April 19, 2002....12:03am
Here I sit....tired and drunk as hell...scared shitless. My mother just caught me at a small party at my best friend Alyssa's house. I was drunk as was all other four people there. There was Alyssa, Kaitlyn, Tommy, and Anthony. The whole night I spent headbanging quietly and mixing beer, pepsi, and gatorade. Good mix. Not so good with the medication, zoloft, I was put on a week or so ago.That's why I am here..typing...tired as hell. Afraid to sleep and not wake up.
It's hard to stand...hard to walk...hard to talk right...but at least I can sit. I would lay down but I have a god awful sunburn from two days ago..and now it's beginning to itch. I look like shit! Burnt and worn out, bags under my eyes, my clothes hanging off me. I've lost a pound or two everyday for a week.
I handled it well at least. So did my mother. But this isn't the first time. Last year in April and May this was almost routine. She hasn't caught me at all recently. I've learned how to be slick. how to fake being sober. How to lie. It can't all be good...but what the hell else is there to do in a town like this at almost 16 years old?! Count lint? Organize nose goblins? Build a website?!!
I'm a good student at least. I'm responsible! I'm not pregnant! Not Tattoed! Not a meat eater!! I go to church every sunday!!! I do the dishes!!! I shower!!! I'm a good person. I need to live a little...before my tits sag. What the hell! I'm just hoping to god my mother never reads this site. She probably wont have the time. She's always so busy drilling holes in rocks. I got to go!
Here I sit....without emotion. I wish I could explain how I feel. It's much better than the past two days. I got in trouble with my mother. She read April 19's entry about friday night. Fun, Fun, Fun! The weird part is....she's not really mad I was drinking....she's mad that I lied to her about it. How odd huh? My mother is a crack-head like that.
So today...well...it was nothing special. We all returned to school from a week of vacation. You know how it is. You forgot most of the foriegn language you study, some friends are upset at you for not calling, and ecspecially after April vacation, most the girls decided to tan and get stupid looking highlights.
The sad part about ending vacation is the mornings. There is no possible way to get up like usual. You know...each day over break you sleep in till 10 a.m. because of how hard you partied the night before. So sunday night...it is impossible to sleep. then when you do get to sleep....you have that one close friend that calls you to tell you they are home and about all the cute guys in aruba. It's 11:30....you could care less. So you try again. Finally your alseep, and before you know it, as if time goes in fast foward, it's 5:30 a.m. and you have a measly half hour to sleep, but your stupid dog walks all over, nails clicking on the hardwood floor, and because of her obese size, her panting is uncontrllably loud. What a nightmare. Not like I enjoy mornings anyways.
April 24,2002
Here I sit....Calm and collected after a long but pleasing day of school. This kinda of day is rare....so I enjoy them when they happen. I got to skip two periods today because of a presentation on vegitiarians I had to help set up.
I wore an orange prison uniform to school....and got the looks of my life. I already have pink hair to begin with....so when I wear a vibrant orange, baggy
jumpsuit....people wonder. I got rudely asked if I am a dyke on more than one occaision today. But then people told me I am their hero so that makes up for it (Thanks Becky and Heather.)I don't know what to think of it. I'm just proud I have the ability to be myself....and not a clone of the popular people. And it's not like I'm trying to be like punk or gothic or anything, (although I listen to those types of music) I just wear what I want to. I'm not a poser either. I feel that a poser is any person that tries to be something. It's all to impress. The real thing wouldn't give a shit. They are whatever they are....because they are that way....not because they try to be. And I wanna get this thing strait!! I have nothing really against preppy people. They wear what they feel like wearing. That's fine. A friend of mine hates preppy people. I asked him why. He answered "they are quick to judge people like you and me." I thought to myself "and your not quick to judge all of them." I know plenty of preppy people that don't mind people that dress differently. They just don't dress that way themselves. I accept that. I'm just proud I save loads of money shopping at salvation army and good will. I feel it's nothing bad. Just a cheap store. Does that make me a dirty person?
April 29,2002
Here I sit....excited and I can't stop singing. I just got back from chorus rehearsal....for the Baltimore trip I am going on in two days. (mmmm....grilled cheese)But anyways...
I peirced my nose on Saturday. It was really funny cause I shoved a frozen carrot up my nose to numb it. My parents hate it....so of coarse I love it. I'm not allowed to go to church with them anymore. They are embarrassed because there is already a lot of chatter about my appearance. Of coarse I don't mind what they say, but...my parents are always like, "You should avoid the appearance of evil." Do I look evil?! I don't think I do. I think I look like a teen, being herself. What the hell anyways...right?
I passed out in church yesterday. I had the cramps of my life, (yes, I said cramps....shoot me)And I forgot my asprin at home. When the pain was getting unbearable, I began making my way to the bathroom to puke....then infront of everyone...not ten feet from the bathroom, I collapesed to the floor. Next thing I knew everyone had their hands on me, screaming "Oh Jesus...Take this sickness out of this child!!! Let her be healed!!! In Jesus Name!!! OOOOOHHHH LORD!!! Raise this child!!!......" And I was like, "You don't have to touch me....I just have cramps....get me some pain releivers." I was kind of shocked. It took them a while to shut up. It was insane.
Peace out!
Marissa
P.s. Tomorrow is 4:20...guess what I'm doing....WORKING!Fun,fun,fun!
Peace out!!!!
Marissa
Peace out!!!!
Marissa
Peace out!!!!
Marissa