Wednesday I went to the prom. I had fun. That was bland....let me try again....It was good....what the hell is this....I can't write. Writer's block sucks. Okay I will say it suck for the soul purpose I am better at complaining then joyfully reminising in wednesday night. So it sucked (I'm still lying), I looked like complete shit (HUGE LIE), and I hated everyone there (parcially lying), and the food sucked (not really). But this isn't a lie: 97% of the night's music completely sucked. So all in all the night was fairly good. We hung around...we had pictures...we ate...we danced....we joked...we made out...whatever. It was cool. I went to the after prom party, then....I went to school. I was tried as hell...and hadn't slept all night...and it was my birthday. I turned 16. I couldn't believe I had made it. I thought for sure I would be dead. By my mother, me, or some freak accident. But my birthday was wild. I wore a pink little girl's party hat....with my prom dress. I was dared to do it, but I was hoping all along someone would dare me. So I wore it. The whole school day. With out a single blush or sigh.

So almost a million other things happened this week...but like I said, privacy for my friends. But I will say I went to Boston and had a delightful time. I bought SLC Punk....and the movie rocks. But like I said ...I am not punk. Punk is dead. That's what I leave you with.
Don't hold your breath....
~Marissa
June 6, 2002 6:09 p.m.
Oy Vey!!!! My lord....You would never guess what happened yesterday.....I was arrested. Quite odd! I simply went out with my friend Desiree after school, to pick up some toys for her new kitten she is utterly obsessed with. After grabbing it a couple toys, we decided to go into CVS to pick up some 'free' make-up, which isn't uncommon for us. We were having fun....grabbing all we wanted, no hesitation, not feeling suspicious at all, and since we have done it so many times, we thought nothing of it.

As we were about to leave, a large woman walked up to us and said "If you don't give me back my products right now...I'm calling the cops...." Desiree sighed, and I immediatly took out all I had stolen. Des kept pulling out more and more, and the woman was pissed and said "...that's it! I'm calling the cops!" An Desiree kept saying "NO please!", "I'll loose my scholarship." and "I'll pay for all of it!" But they wouldn't accept her offers. They called the cops and Desiree began to cry, I was shocked to see how calm I was and I couldn't understand why I wasn't upset. They took down our names and added up the prices of what we stole, then Des started pulling out more she stole. Mine added up to $17.47....hers was $50.

After a while the cops showed up and Des started to offer to pay for mine if they let me go because I was so young. They refused then forced Des into handcuffs and she started bawling. "I swear I'm not gonna run!!" They wouldn't let her go. And I watched them put her into the cruiser.

They called my stepfather and told him to pick me up at the station. Then without struggle, I let them handcuff me and they put me in the cruiser. I was scared shitless....but I was still calm as can be. It made it easier that the police officer talked to me as if I were a friend. I was relaxed and spent the time praying to god I was going to be okay.

When we got to the police station they placed me with a hot cop in the servailance room, and I made fun of him for playing solitaire on the job. He lauged and asked what else could he do. I said freecell.

I watched one of the monitors for an hour and it was Desiree being handcuff to a pole and getting searched and patted down. I could see her shaking and crying, and I felt so badly for her. She wasn't a juvenille and she could loose her scholarship. I later had to hold my self doen when I watched on another moniter my stepfather's car drive up.

It was fine after all. He was dissapointed but not pissed. And that scared me shitless. We went to Des's house to tell her parents cause I was sure she didn't call them. Her mother was furious. I saw her eyes practically go blood shot. I thought "....oh shit, this problem wont dissapear anytime soon."
Don't hold your breath....
~Marissa

June 14, 2002 10:03 p.m.
School's out for summer!!!! But I might be leaving for the entire vacation. I am waiting for a phone call from the camp I applied to three days ago. I am so anxious to be up there, but I doubt they wont accept me. I was a prized camper of their's for eight years. Not to brag or anything.

The finals I had were painfully easy. I wanted to weep when I saw the stupidity in each question. I wish I could walk up to each teacher and say "hey dipshit!! Do you think we have our heads to far up our asses to learn anything from you all year??!!!" I can't speak for the other students, but it was pathetic. I am scared to know that these people have our educations depending on them. I can't imagine what the future is like if these jackasses are determining it. OY VEY!!!

My best friend has mono. The poor girl. She just graduated, and her boyfriend is leaving for the air guard for about 6 months. She can screw him, but doesn't have the energy. And, that's not all....her kidney and spleen inflated. So not only is she not able to keep awake for more than about 5 minutes, but she can't even move either. The poor girl probably needs help to scratch her nose.

My friend Sara is staying with me for the weekend. She's cool. Well have fun. Maybe we'll stand by the road and show some leg, and see what guys will stop. Or maybe....well sit in the woods and wait for my fairie mother to find me. Who knows? A lot can happen in a weekend. And some topless football couldn't hurt either.....
Don't hold your breath....
~Marissa June 21, 2002 8:01 p.m.
I hate lonely Fridays......Ecspecially when they are your last one home. I am leaving sunday morning for the entire summer. I wanted to get my entire summer's worth of fun in the past week. I have done nothing. So here I am....Hardly moving from the seat I sit in. And it's a friday. I feel so wasted away. So hopeless and useless. I just wish I still had that one old booty call boy around, or a dime bag. Then the Friday would be complete. Just anything but sitting in the house...with the song "Pina Coloda" echoing".....if you like pina coloda...getting stuck in the rain....if your not into health food....and your into champange.....if you make love at midnight...on the dune's of the cape...." Sick huh? The party just begs me to go and call some guys friend of mine....and just randomely ask if he likes pina colodas. I have someone in mind. Silly me. Why oh why?

I had my sweet sixteen party on Monday night. It rocked my ever lovin mind. At first I was displeased that a couple people I just knew would come....didn't care to grace me with their prescence. But I got over myself after a while....sometimes you need to do that....and once some kiddies got some cake in their tummies...and got hyper enough to dance...the party was satifactory. It was a costume party...I was a fairy. I was also bare foot. That was the best part. I tell you....there is nothing better than having bare feet on a warm pavement on a rainy summer night. I love rain....when it's summer. When the rain is warm enough to cuddle up in each tiny rain drop....and to dance in the storm with the redhead that live across the street.

Since I wont update for eight weeks....I give my deepest sympathy, to all my fans, that don't exist. Fans? What fans? Only tan anorexic girls have fans. J/K. I wish though...right? So anyways.....I will probably go through a sort of withdrawel at camp...from not using the internet. I think I might go all twisted and like nail my suitcase to a tree....and pretend it is a monitor...then unzipper it and let the flap hang....there's my keyboard...for the mouse....my hairdryer...Last results are so wild, sick, twisted, weird, insane, savage....and so on and so forth....
Parting such sweet sorrow....
~Marissa July 23, 2002 7:55 p.m.
Yes, I am home.....but just for the day. I had an emotional breakdown at camp. I couldn't take being up to my elbows in dirty dishwater for a single extra minute. My parents rushed to pick me up last night. I was home by 11:30.

The sad part is home isn't home anymore. I can't be comfortable. I went into my bedroom, and everything was moved. Somethings were thrown away aswell. My brother had been using my bed for weeks. It smells like him....his clothes are everywhere....posters are taken off the walls.....my black lace is all gone from the doorway. I wanted to cry. I worked for a year, and my room was finally to my content. Now, it's all different. It's not even my room. I guess you can never go home.

I also am so shocked. I never saw how discusting the secular world is. Being isolated for four weeks, life can change so quick. I am so different, but it feels more like the world is what's changed, but I know it's me.

I could cry at how discusting I was before. I never sat and thought "is this slutty of me....is this uplifting.....am I a whore?" Now I look back and am torn apart. Ay me. What a place this is. Am I to be left homeless? Am I never to flee from this homesickness? Am I to forever long for what I have left behind?
Longing for Belonging
~Marissa font size=4>August 16, 2002 8:55 p.m.
I am sooooo surrounded! Surrounded by the world around me. Every where I look, I am reminded of all I have done. I am smothered with guilt. Listing my wrongs would bring me to cry.

I was simply walking down to the corner store, to buy my mother cat food (well not for my mother to eat...), and I swear I went through time travel. I was back where I started as though I never went to camp...Praying to get away from where I was, what mess I was in. I tried to block it from my mind, but it would not go away. I got down on the sidewalk and prayed, "PLEASE GOD!!! Take this guilt away." God gave me the comfort, but didn't remove the guilt. I understand now he wanted me to remember the pain after my mistakes so I wouldn't make them again.

Suddenly the home I longed for, I wanted to leave. Home was intoxicating. Full of sin. I wanted to go back to my Eden. My haven. My paridise on earth. Where I dwell in God 24/7! I cry out for him every instant, but home....is so full of noise, sin, distractions. It's difficult to have my quiet time. DO me Devotions. Be with God. Listen for him. Watch for his guidance. I thrive for a single taste of God. I know with all my calling and search, he will come again. He might have just left the ninty-nine sheep to find the stray of the flock. He knows I can stand strong, in waiting for him.
Searching for the Father
~Marissa