Transgender News
News from around the transgender community

Gender Reflections

By Barbara F. Anderson, M.S.W., Ph.D.

What effects do secrets have on family members? Is it always harmful to others to keep a secret from them? When is it time to tell the secret? Some family therapists suggest that all secrets are damaging within the family. They believe that even the youngest children sense when a secret is being kept and consequently, they feel excluded, hurt and unloved. They are even thought to develop feelings of being bad, giving rise to psychological problems such as insecurity and low self-esteem. With regard to secrets between adult partners, these counselors charge that intimacy on any significant level is sure to be lost and with it any meaningful relationship.

Many transgendered individuals, including those who cross-dress for erotic satisfaction, relaxation and to achieve gender congruity, keep their feelings and behaviors secret. Sometimes a spouse is in collusion about keeping the secret from children; other times the partner as well is excluded. Is this situation doomed to produce neurotic children? Can a relationship flourish when one partner keeps part of him/herself hidden from the other?

Like so many complex questions, the answer is, "it depends." In general, the major factor affecting the impact of keeping a secret is whether the individual is at peace with his or her own behavior and feelings, irrespective of the nature of the secret. When the secret is shrouded in a veil of shame, others may sense the presence of this emotion, and be puzzled, hurt or angered by the evasiveness and defensiveness that shame often engenders. When a person is comfortable with him/herself, a secret can be maintained healthily as an expression of privacy and an appropriate concern for the differing capacities of children and adults to deal with non-traditional behaviors and needs for expression.

With regard to disclosure to children versus to a spouse or partner, different factors need to be considered. Influencing the decision to disclose to children are their ages, the quality of their relationship with each parent, the level of support for disclosure by the other parent, and whether the children have indicated awareness of secretive behaviors. In general, the older the child, the more supportive the partner, and prior suggestion of awareness of a secret, are factors weighing in favor of disclosure to children.

The decision to come out to a partner will be affected by the quality and permanence of the relationship, the spouse's previously demonstrated ability to accept non-traditional behaviors and lifestyles in others, and most importantly, the level of intimacy desired in the relationship. Withholding an important part of yourself from a significant other has consequences to the relationship. While keeping a secret may seem to be the ultimate in wisdom at a certain time and place, one must accept that some breech of intimacy is inevitable. How this balances with your need to maintain the relationship and to project a traditional image and lifestyle is a decision of significance. Questions to be answered are: Am I satisfied with the level of intimacy we experience? What is the worst thing that could happen if I came out to my partner? How important a part of myself am I denying as I remain closeted? Can I spend the rest of my life this way? Can I be sure my lover will never find out? If s/he does find out, how would I want this to happen?

The bottom line in this matter is weighing losses against gains. There is no sure disaster on either road --that of secrecy or disclosure. But to minimize the consequences of either option, do your best to assure that you are at peace with yourself. That is the greatest contribution you can make to a relationship.

If you have comments, or suggestions for a column you may reach Dr. Barbara F. Anderson at 1537 Franklin St., Suite 104, San Francisco, CA 94109 Phone: (415) 776-0139, FAX: (415) 441-0936 

Back