Damn Sheep
by Hikari
“Damn Sheep”
7/31/01
By: Hikari
E-mail to: elvina99@hotmail.com
Site:
www.oocities.org/hikari_nanase/
Notes: This is in dedication to everyone’s personal hurting inside. God bless,
and believe in standing even when pain prevails; for if you kneel down to the
world in agony- you already have lost.
~*~*~*~
It’s incomprehensible to have that
peculiar feeling of detachment rivet throughout your body… and yet it is that
type of sensation that I have grown quite accustomed to. Well, it’s come to
this familiar point from day to day where I question the very value of my being.
Now now… Nothing to fear of for I have finally grown tired of making love with
the idea of suicide. I may be a fool, but even fools have some sense of
sentimental honor.
Rather, I’ve decided upon one goal
to vanquish all other trivial desires. That goal is this: complete defiance.
See? Did I not tell you I was a fool? Hn, but an exceptionally wise fool- no
doubt. Defiance to what you ask? Too many questions, not enough
accomplishments…
That’s where the problem lies. The
questioning. Questions only arise due to doubt and fear, and this doubt and fear
is what sculpts our persona. Then what shall you do with these unpromising
emotions, I wonder? Simple. Defy them.
Ah, but there is a world out there
where I feel so alone and misunderstood. Ironic, really. You feel so alone, and
yet there are over a million people feeling the exact same way- that is, if not
in a worse condition.
The mind plays tricks, and the most
holy of desires is to be a part of someone else. Being known makes valid that we
have a purpose- a meaning in life. With no one to connect to, we grow uneasy.
This uneasiness is triggered by the very concept of disappearing from the
world… in a non-literal sense of course. “Disappearing”, as I will define
it, is finding no place in anyone’s mind or heart. If no one holds onto you-
you will be afraid that you may slip and plummet into the everlasting darkness
of solitude…
Or will you?
You have a choice if you are given
such a situation. You may tumble to your death while you are still, absurdly
enough, alive, or you may live as the infamous black sheep and stand out among
the flocks of brainless animals. I should think the second would be the more
appealing option. Who cares if the slashing tongues of man scourge you? What
have you to care in what they think? They are merely copies of one another,
while you are the lone black sheep- beautiful and independent.
Failure is yet another element that
comes into this vicious cycle of self-hatred; the worse kind of pain. When one
has already found himself to be secluded from every level of society- including
one’s own family, then there is no more to expect than the regression to
despair. When you lose, you lose. When you err, you err. It is irreversible, but
by all means it is not invaluable. Mistakes- failure, teaches us that there is
always the need to improve and that we must acknowledge the fact that no one
person is perfect. If there is a chance to redeem yourself, to fix the muddle
you have created- take that chance. Forget about the fact that you will have to
bruise your pride. Do it, lest you shall live in regret for an opportunity of
redemption you refused to take. If you cannot live with an injured pride, then
you cannot live. Period. I speak, of course, not out of ostentatious arrogance,
but out of experience. Believe it or not, when you fail, the people around you
don’t give a damn- unless, unsurprisingly this failure has something to do
with them.
Thus we are led into next element:
selfishness. Of course, it’s only logical to be selfish. You must live for
yourself because, truth be told, you can only depend on you and you alone.
Friendship, family, bonds, so on, and so forth don’t last forever. Things
break apart, die, and fade to fond or long forgotten memories. Face it. You are
already in the process of dying- so is everyone else around you. You never know
when that process has reached its final shape, and therefore, there is no sense
in you wasting time regretting what ‘could have been.’ Instead of doing
this, once again, you must defy and hold yourself completely responsible for
your own actions and mishaps. Forget about throwing blame on this matter or that
because it’s bullshit.
Yes, we fill ourselves up with lies
in order to deny the state of life we currently are in. Everyone does this-
there is not a soul who neglects the ability to shield the truth with miserable
wool or whatever fabrication man may come up with. This is exactly what the
world desires of you- to conform to everyone else as the final means to stay
above and beyond everyone. To be alike in order to be accepted, awarded, and
loved.
Pathetic.
Has it ever occurred to anyone that
that love given upon you is worth of no more value than the rim of dead copper?
This is why it is better to steer away from the herd and be lost. In this way,
you have broken the rules of following the currents, the stream- whatever. True,
you will be ostracized; you will be hated, misunderstood, envied, abused, torn,
and spat upon. But was that not the way of God? To obtain genuine will- good
will- pain must be accepted and coped with. There is no fault in crying- in fact
I must confess that it is very healthy to do so. As long as one fights against
stupid affairs and keeps true to his heart, then the battle rages on. Defy petty
orthodoxy. Defy the obvious outcomes. Defy the cruel words of others. When they
expect you to kneel- stand. When they ask for praise- give them reality. By
breaking these rules, you have become stronger- you are one step closer to
finishing the life-long task: self-actualization.
To be you- unique, honest, and pure,
you must live for the pain the world is ready to bombard you with. You have no
other choice… unless you take upon the decision to fall to the dirty ground-
soiled with the blood of many sorrowful souls- and give up. Not all people find
themselves, and so, as they lay in their beds to be kissed by the bittersweet
lips of death- they soon come to the realization that their life had been in
vain. Instead of becoming the black sheep, he has remained a part of a
nonsensical community- essentially losing whatever left there of in his spirit.
That is not to say that
‘fraternizing’, as I would like to call it, is a useless act. It must be
kept in mind that a person- no matter what kind of hopeless bastard he is- needs
to communicate. This, coming from me- of all people- must strike you as a shock.
Remember, I am speaking in the terms of my own experience, which, I might add,
is the whole of my life. You need to talk. Find a connection. Yet you must, by
all means, connect with the correct type of people. Do not join or come to know
anyone you feel is composed of contemporary material. Look for someone- search
for someone who knows how to confide. It is only when you find such a person,
that you may confide in him or her yourself without the fear of being exploited
of your secret weaknesses, dreams, past, and so forth. If you encounter anyone
who’s main priority is the cliché view of success- forget about him. You are
better off with enemies.
Some say my terse and blunt words are harsh, as well as pessimistic. If what I
say is truly so disenchanting, then does that mean that you shall cower back to
your herd- entirely indistinguishable, if not forgotten? Hn. It’s up to you.
In my own words,
Hiei