Acrimonious Rhapsody
by Hikari
Notes: What do you get when you mix controversy with poetic justice? I said I
would make one of these so here it is.
*****
When I can’t think… I make
music… There’s no better way to release what I am feeling, than like this…
It’s been a while since I’ve found myself here- at the piano. Such
realization makes me wonder if life is flying right beneath my nose. I don’t
know… maybe it is… But one night… I remembered who I was, and who I am.
One night ruined my apathy. To the cause, I’m not sure whether to be grateful
or perplexed. That night was calm- like every other, yet the happenings of that
night paradoxes the moment. I had never felt confusion, anger, and trepidation
all at once, but I acquired that feeling when it happened. What happened… I
scorn him for it. I weep for him for it. I fear it…
~*~*~*~
“You should be more careful…”
He ‘hn’s’, but later winces as I apply more iodine upon the scars on his
back. I frown. “You definitely took a stroll down the wrong side of Makai…
It looks as though you experienced a shredder first hand…”
“Would you mind telling me
then…” My friend spoke sarcastically. “Which side of Makai IS the right
side?”
Sighing, I see his point. “All
right, I will not question it anymore…” Picking up the bottle of medicine, I
set it on a metal tray and carried it off to the bathroom. I come back later
with a roll of gauze and bandages. I was running low on both…
As I kneel behind him again, I begin
to wrap-up his wounds around his torso- giving pressure to stop the bleeding,
but leaving slack for him to breathe. I wasn’t thinking of anything much at
the time, I was simply- and mindlessly- helping a friend. It had never occurred
to me that he kept his eyes focused on my work by looking over his shoulder. By
the time I reached the top, my eyes meet his and I am given a deep, tired stare.
At first I said nothing, however,
after securing the bandages, I opened my lips. “Yes?”
There is another pause, quite ill at
ease, and then he looked away. I shook my head. I was neither surprised nor
upset. It was just… normal. Cutting the excess straps with a pair of good pair
of silver scissors, I sigh again. His blood was already seeping through the
white cloths… Apparently, Hiei doesn’t notice this- he remains sitting
cross-legged- on the carpet, back exposed and hunched over. Head down and his
hair flowing in suit, I see drips of perspiration gliding down the clumps of
strands- some of his sweat sliding behind the nape of his neck and settling on
his smooth skin. I blink… Was he… shivering?
His pale complexion averting to his
side, I take note of his trembling lips, low eyelids, and subjugated demeanor.
Is he sick?
“…You… worry about me… too
much…” Now I AM surprised. Hiei new this too, for I inadvertently slipped
from my haunches- hitting the floor.
Keeping myself upright, by supporting
myself with my arms- Hiei had turned to face me in that instant, kneeling this
time. Then, came the question: “…Why…?”
The way he said it, was just above a
whisper. His eyes became darker than usual- almost black. Hands quaking as they
gripped the carpet- he moves closer to me. Closer and closer… crawling towards
me until my back slams against the wall. Stopping, he presses his forehead to
mine. We are so close together now… my heart… it’s racing… What is he
doing? What has he become? I try for the doorknob by reaching up, but before I
could even turn it- Hiei snatches my hand and sets it at my side. Eye to eye, we
were… Eyelashes fluttering together and almost entangling…His cool breath
smoothes over my lips… I’m terrified…
“I don’t understand you Kurama…”
He speaks in such a dead tone that I shiver in my place. “… You are not
afraid to come close to me to help me… However… when I come close to you…
you retreat to a corner as though frightened…”
Again, I try for the knob, but I’m
pinned fast.
“You should know… Kurama… that
there are very few people for me to remember… and hold significant.”
Something cold touches the side of my face, and I am shocked to find that it is
his hand. “…Which is why I wish to tell you this now…: You are one of
them.”
Before I could even dream as to what
he would to next… He kisses me! I would not permit this to last long, and so I
throw my fist at him so hard that he is sent backwards. With the back of my
right had, I wipe my lips and watch Hiei pick himself up off the floor. He sits
weakly and swings his head to reveal a swollen lip- cut and bleeding. Breathing
fast, I ready myself with a rose…
“Are you so afraid of a kiss?” He
said faintly. “I did not go any deeper than you would have liked… I know it
how you hate having to touch anything soiled…Besides… I only touched the top
of your skin… I went no further than that…”
As all this may be true, I grind on
my teeth at remembering what such actions can make me. “Don’t do that Hiei!”
I cry, so fiercely I myself don’t know who is speaking. “I am no longer the
Youko! I will have no more lovers- !”
“- What do you take me for? Some
bastard waiting to sleep with you? No, it was a only gesture…”
“A kiss? A kiss from a man?! Hiei,
you have no idea what kind of things I have done in my past with that kind of
emotion! I forbid it to even happen again! Especially with this body! I must
keep it clean of myself!”
“You think I know nothing of you do
you? Kurama… I know how you had many lovers- how you enticed them to sleep
with you and then killed them in their wake! I know what you did to those
bodies! How you savored every moment! When you made the kill… you ate them!”
“SHUT UP!!!” Tears are burning
from my eyes- completely bathing my cheeks in hot water.
“I know who you were… The Youko…
But you are NOT the same person anymore! The Youko is a past soul that only
exists as a power keg to your being!
Moreover… I have come to know so much from you… What have I to give you, but
a kiss? I have none Kurama…”
“You can always say that you are
thankful! You have no need in reminding me of my stains with such an act!”
“But that isn’t enough…”
This time, I move toward him and meet
face to face squarely. “And why not?”
“Because I love you!”
I land on my knees. “What?”
He wraps his arms around me and falls
to my lap- his limbs sliding down to my waist. “… Forbidden… is it not?”
Hiei’s voice is straining and I can feel his nails gripping onto the back of
my shirt. I know he’s coming close to tears… “I’m sorry Kurama…
Whatever I try and do for you… it only makes everything worse…”
Blinking, I look to his face. How so
small it is… like a child… “Whatever you try and do for me?”
“As simple as gratitude… That I
cannot give without hurting you somehow…” Hiei looks up and sets himself to
kneel… Taking my face into his hands by cupping chin at either side- he gazes
deeper into me. “… You don’t understand… Any emotion I feel for you is
for nothing… For nothing because you cannot return my emotions… But I
don’t care… I expect nothing since your presence is enough… Is it
surprising I feel this way? It shouldn’t be… because you’re very mindful
of my being… Think now, how many have ever given thought to a forbidden child?
Swallowing half out of fear and half
out of speechlessness, I try and steady myself. Of what is he thinking? What
does he want me to do? Become the Youko once more? No… He said himself he
didn’t love me in such a way… Not my body, not like all those other fools
and nameless lovers. Now, here on earth, he loves me. “What… Do you want to
hear from me then…?”
I must have spoken with such caution,
that my long-time friend smiles a little sadly. “I already said…I want
nothing from you.”
And with that, he slumped onto me and
fell asleep.
I dare not wake him.
~*~*~*~
What kind of love he speaks off is
still unknown. We never spoke once about that incident between each other and
most certainly not among the others. I cannot look at him the same way again,
and now I know what he meant… I can sense his emotion now when he sees me…
and the first thing I feel is fear. Fear of a sudden change in my soul. Fear of
the world’s eyes. Fear of what Hiei may try and do. Just fear…
Hiei never kissed me again, nor gushed forth with all these truths that had been
buried within him for so long. He still comes to the sill of my window- to watch
me do my homework. Not a word is ever exchanged in these kinds of meetings- we
just… enjoy each others company… I still wonder… What did he mean by
loving me?
So, with no other way to understand
anything or no other way to cope with humanity- I’m here, playing on the
piano. With each finger stroke, a rose petal falls from the flowers in my vase
and brushes the ebony on the piano’s back. I wonder if it’s a sign… If
something died… and now I must wait for something new…
I don’t know…
“Kurama…”
I stop.
“Play that again…”
I smile, it seems I’ve forgotten my
anger. “Of course…”
We’re playing this poignant song
now, a piece I’ve replayed over and over for my audience- and Hiei is my
audience… It’s a song that has no beginning, but surely there is an end.
Confusing is it not? It’s as enigmatic as emotion- forbidden or free. However,
the way I see it, what is the point of having any friends if you cannot love
them? That kind of friendship lasts forever and since this is so… This song…
This rhapsody… has no beginning… and no end.