Dagomiharad Dispatch
March 4-10
Public News
Democrates / Republicans Looking For Candidates
Both the Republicans and the Democrats are looking for candidates to be the next Mayor. Many people have already been considered, but with the recent increase in pollution, the city will be looking for a new major, one who can clean the place up. Candidates for office must be made by the end of March. The elections in Forwaith will take place in May. If you have what it takes to be Mayor, write to City Hall your name and why you should be Mayor!
-Wilfred Braytenborg, Dagomiharad Dispatch
Entertainment
Alex Hamilton Moves to Dagomiharad
Famous movie star Alex Hamilton who has been known for his action movies as well has his sappy chick flick movies and some drama here and there is planning on moving into Dagomiharad. He is considered one of the smarter actors in all of Hollywood but will soon be moving to Dagomiharad. Why? Who knows? But the point is, he will be moving here in March and its going to give everyone in the city something to talk about, that’s for sure! Hope you enjoy your stay, Alex!
-Forrest Tayler, Dagomiharad Dispatch
Sports
Flapjacks Fail to sign Jose Canseco
Apparently the Dagomiharad Flapjacks and the Montreal Expos were in a bidding war for Jose Canseco to join their team. Flapjacks offered him a position as a pinch hitter, while the Montreal Expos signed him as a left fielder. The Flapjacks are planning on bouncing back after their first round play off elimination last season to see if they can possibly make it to the big one this year. They failed to sign Jason Giambi who signed with the Yankees and they also failed to sign Barry Bonds who signed with the San Francisco Giants. They even failed to maintain the services of Mo Vaugh who ended up signing with the Mets. Coach Wilson was not pleased with the off season transactions, “What kind of horse $#!* is this!? We couldn’t sign any of these G#@ D$#(@ players and now we are going to have a piss poor team this year! There is simple logic in baseball, you have good players, you tend to have good teams. You have pathetic excuses of ball players, you have a pathetic excuse of a team! We just blew it not signing Canseco, he was our last hope. We are screwed.” Those were the fighting words of Coach Wilson, the Flapjacks General Manager. Good luck team.
-John Smith, Dagomiharad Dispatch
Alligator Caught in Butterstick Stadium
The Flapjacks showed up for Spring Training just yesterday afternoon only to find a stray alligator eating the tarp off of the field. “That was the nastiest damned alligator I ever done seen,” yells Bill Buckner, the shortstop. It took 2 hours for Steve Irwin, AKA “The Crocodile Hunter” to remove the alligator from the ball field. “That was a sneaky little croc’, barely bit my head off, it coulda’ been dangerous if we hadn’t gotten there just in the knick of time,” expresses the Hunter. The alligator was safely removed back out to Heled Lake where he can live happily. Thanks for the help, Steve!
-Susan Thimble, Dagomiharad Dispatch
Classifieds
Job Openings
COMPANY: St. Joseph’s Roman Catholic Church
JOB TITLE: Priest
JOB PAY: $1,500 a month
PREREQUISIT: Love and Knowledge of God, experience
COMPANY: St. Augustine’s Catholic Church
JOB TITLE: Priest
JOB PAY: $1,500 monthly
PREREQUISIT: Love and Knowledge of God, Experience
COMPANY: Dagomiharad Flapjacks (Major League Baseball Team)
JOB TITLE: Ball Player or Bat Boy
JOB PAY: (Player- $125,000 salary minimal) (Bat Boy- $50,000 salary)
PREREQUISIT: Player- Make the team, Bat Boy- Young boy, love for baseball
COMPANY: Sci-Fi World
JOB TITLE: Clerk
JOB PAY: $10 an hour
PREREQUISIT: Love for Science Fiction
COMPANY: George’s Music
JOB TITLE: Clerk / Musician Tech
JOB PAY: $10 minimal or commission
PREREQUISIT: Know something about music, knowledgeable of at least 1 musical instrument sold in George’s Music.
COMPANY: Barnes & Noble Bookstore
JOB TITLE: Book seller
JOB PAY: $10 an hour
PREREQUISIT: Love to read
COMPANY: Dagomiharad History Museum
JOB TITLE: Historian
JOB PAY: $64,000 salary
PREREQUISIT: 4 Year Degree, Knowledgeable of History
COMPANY: Dagomiharad Science Museum
JOB TITLE: Science Historian
JOB PAY: $64,000 salary
PREREQUISIT: 4 Year Degree + Knowledge of Science
COMPANY: Pizza Hut
JOB TITLE: Dish washer, delivery boy
JOB PAY: (Dishwasher- $6 an hour) (Delivery boy- $8 an hour + tips)
PREREQUISIT: (Dishwasher, none) (Delivery boy, 18 years of age or older, car)
COMPANY: Virgin Mega Store
JOB TITLE: Clerk
JOB PAY: $8 an hour
PREREQUISIT: None
COMPANY: St. Cloud High School & Valencia Community College
JOB TITLE: Teacher (English, Math, History, Science, Acting)
JOB PAY: $15,000 a semester
PREREQUISIT: 4 year degree in the field you are teaching.
COMPANY: Crawford Modeling Agency
JOB TITLE: Model
JOB PAY: $5,000 a shoot
PREREQUISIT: Male or Female, ages 14 to 35. Come in for a check on physical appearance.
COMPANY: Bloodaxe House of Steak
JOB TITLE: Cook
JOB PAY: $48,000 salary
PREREQUISIT: Damn good cook
COMPANY: FCW (Florida Championship Wrestling)
JOB TITLE: Wrestlers, Referees & ring crew.
JOB PAY: (Wrestlers- $1,500 a show) (Referees- $500 a show) (Ring Crew- $500 a show)
PREREQUISIT: Wrestlers, wrestling experience. Referees, refereeing experience. Ring crew- Hard worker, strong.
COMPANY: Dagomiharad Fire Department
JOB TITLE: Fire Fighter
JOB PAY: $48,000 salary
PREREQUISIT: Fire Fighter Training Course
COMPANY: Dagomiharad Police Department
JOB TITLE: Police Officer
JOB PAY: $48,000 salary
PREREQUISIT: Police Training Course, Knowledge of the law.
COMPANY: Ron Jon Surf Shop
JOB TITLE: Clerk
JOB PAY: $8 an hour
PREREQUISIT: Surfer or pretty girl
COMPANY: Rachel’s Adult Entertainment
JOB TITLE: Dancer
JOB PAY: $500 a night
PREREQUISIT: Good looking women, good dancers.
That’s the news for this week, tune in next week to see what else happens in this crazy city!
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