Forwaith Times
March 4-10
Public News
Democrates / Republicans Looking For Candidates
Both the Republicans and the Democrats are looking for candidates to be the next Mayor. Many people have already been considered, but with the recent rise in crime rate, the city will be looking for a new major, one who can clean the place up. Candidates for office must be made by the end of March. The elections in Forwaith will take place in May. If you have what it takes to be Mayor, write to City Hall your name and why you should be Mayor!
-Thomas Jones, Forwaith Times
Entertainment
Schwarzenegger in King Lear
Movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger will be performing in the Broadway masterpiece, “King Lear,” on Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday nights at the Broadway Theater, March 14-17. Show starts at 8PM, tickets are $50 apiece. Schwarzenegger’s tear jerking performance is said to be far beyond the rest. The rumors that he cannot act are rumored to come to an end. This is a show that no theater fan should miss.
-Barry Harper, Forwaith Times
Sports
NFL Player Hamilton Moves to Forwaith
New York Giants’ star football player, Keith Hamilton will be moving to the Forwaith area after his house burnt down in New York City. The start player is said to be in a ‘Fiery” mood after the accident last month. Most of his possessions were burnt to the crisp minus a few things he was able to salvage. The city is pleased to hear about the new football stars presence in the city. Where he will be living has been kept strictly confidential.
-Mark Johnson, Forwaith Times
Yanks Feeling Positive About Season
The New York Yankees have just started Spring Training with their new superstar, Jason Giambi. Rumor has it that they have, to increase in popularity, given the chance to anyone who wants to come in and try out for the team, a chance. All they have to do is hit a fastball thrown by Roger Clemens if they are a fielder, or throw a pitch past Jason Giambi. They have three swings or three pitches. If they succeed, they get to stay for the rest of the spring training tryouts. If they make the team, they get a contract. The Yankees are truly giving back to the fans this year. Good luck, Yanks!
-Randy Barstool, Forwaith Times
Classifieds
Job Openings
COMPANY: Heaven on Earth Massage Parlor
JOB TITLE : Masseuse
JOB PAY: $3,000 a month
PREREQUISIT: Beautiful Asian Girl
COMPANY: Burger King
JOB TITLE: Manager or Floor Employee
JOB PAY: (Manager- $2,000 a month) (Floor Employee- $8 an hour)
PREREQUISIT: (Manager- Previous manager’s job or 2 year degree)
(Floor employee- None needed)
COMPANY: Biltmore Baptist Church
JOB TITLE: Head Minister
JOB PAY: $1,000 a month
PREREQUISIT: Good knowledge and love for God.
COMPANY: Blue Sapphire
JOB TITLE: Head Cook
JOB PAY: $260,000 salary
PREREQUISIT: 10 Years Experience, Knowledge and ability to cook all items on Blue Sapphire Menu to the most exquisite taste, best cook gets the job.
COMPANY: Angelo’s Pizza
JOB TITLE: Cook
JOB PAY: $2,000 a month
PREREQUISIT: Minimal Experience, 18 years of age, Italian.
COMPANY: Wing Kong Exchange
JOB TITLE: Body Guard
JOB PAY: $192,000 Salary
PREREQUISIT: You must be big, bad tough and ready to fight. You need to be ready to kick some ass if necessary.
COMPANY: Mikey’s XXX Cinemas
JOB TITLE: Clerk
JOB PAY: $12 an hour
PREREQUISIT: Basic knowledge of the porn industry, or you have to be an attractive male or female. 18 years of age, plus.
COMPANY: New York Yankees
JOB TITLE: Ball Player or Bat Boy
JOB PAY: (Player- $125,000 salary minimal) (Bat Boy- $50,000 salary)
PREREQUISIT: Must pass Roger Clemens/Jason Giambi test, or you have to be a cute younger boy and love baseball.
COMPANY: Target
JOB TITLE: Floor employee or Assistant Manager
JOB PAY: (Management- $24,000 salary), (Floor- $10 an hour)
PREREQUISIT: (Management- 2 Years Experience or 2 Year Degree) (Floor- None)
COMPANY: Forwaith Theater Project
JOB TITLE: Actor (the play: “Greater Tuna”)
JOB PAY: $5,000 for everything.
PREREQUISIT: Some acting experience
COMPANY: Vivid
JOB TITLE: Adult Actor / Actress
JOB PAY: $24,000 a movie
PREREQUISIT: Attractive, and you must be good at ‘performing.’ Tryout necessary.
COMPANY: Forwaith History Museum
JOB TITLE: Historian
JOB PAY: $64,000 salary
PREREQUISIT: 4 Year Degree, History knowledge
COMPANY: Forwaith Aviation Museum
JOB TITLE: Historian
JOB PAY: $48,000 salary
PREREQUISIT: 4 Year Degree, knowledge of Astronomy and the Space Program
COMPANY: Forwaith Police Department
JOB TITLE: Police Officer
JOB PAY: $48,000 salary
PREREQUISIT: Police Training Course, knowledge of the law
COMPANY: Forwaith Fire Department
JOB TITLE: Fire Fighter
JOB PAY: $48,000 salary
PREREQUISIT: Fire Fighter Training Course
COMPANY: Carmike Cinemas 30
JOB TITLE: General Manager
JOB PAY: $40,000 salary
PREREQUISIT: 10 Years Experience as a manager
COMPANY: Le Blues Bar
JOB TITLE: Musician
JOB PAY: $300 a show
PREREQUISIT: Good musician, good music
That’s the news for this week, tune in next week to see what else happens in this crazy city!
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