Boy, I could write a book about "our story". Well, I'll try to spare the gory details. I am a 30 year old SAHM married to the most wonderful Daddy and husband on the planet. We have been married 7 years (itch itch LOL) and he is a national manager of sales people for a telecommunications company where he travels 1-4 days a week and I was a professional water ski show performer at Cypress Gardens. We were both born and raised in Minnesota, went to the University of Minnesota where I majored in ... what else... Child Psychology. We moved to Florida for dh's job and have been living here for 5 years but are moving back to Minnesota next month.
I had a wonderful pregnancy and felt on top of the world. I was induced and went through 32 hours of a complicated labor. Looking back, I see that Jake showed his High Needs from the moment he was born. After 32 hours of labor, I did what I didn't want to do and had Jake stay in the nursery so I could get some sleep but the nurses kept calling to ask if they could give Jake a bottle - his constant crying was "upsetting the other babies". So, each time I took him back and laid with him, he seemed to hate that little bassinett. If he wasn't sleeping (not much) or nursing (constantly) he was fussing. His little face was always scrunched up and he seemed to really hate being forced into the world. Dh calmed him by letting him suck on his pinky and that's what we did the first 2 weeks. As a newborn, he seemed to only want to sleep on top of us, so that's what we did most of the time. He was so fussy, I constantly worried that he was in some kind of pain. We were always searching for answers to his constant fussing. The only way he wanted to be held was over our shoulder so that he could see and we had to always be moving. He seemed to know that only mom or dad could hold him from the very start - no "pass the baby" for us ... ever. The first few months were a blur, I found myself having to constantly be in his face to keep him from fussing. He hated his swing, bouncy seat, car seat, stroller, and pretty much anything that wasn't me. He only liked his changing table (???), baths, and LOVED his BabyBjorn. So we walked a lot, walked outside, walked in the mall, walked walked walked. He was always very serious, it took a major cartwheel to make him smile but oh what a beautiful smile.
I tried to go back to work two days a week to get out of the house a bit when he was 3 months old but he was so separation sensitive that daycare just couldn't work out, he cried the entire time. He needed constant stimulation, seemed bored all the time, always wanted to be held, but was extremely strong, intelligent, and perceptive. I only had about 2 or 3 good days a month, the others I just got through. He was just never happy. He would have happy moments, but they never lasted more than a few minutes. I wondered what was wrong with him, what was wrong with me, why others made it look so easy, why other babies seemed so content, and why other mothers didn't look half as tired as me.
Then the whining set in, ohhhhhh, the clinging and the whining. From 7 to 10 months were the clingyness, I found myself stuck on the floor with him all day long, he'd cry if I even motioned to get up, much less go in the other room. I did everything one-handed and still felt exhausted and overwhelmed. I still didn't know about High Needs, so I was also very confused. People told me he was manipulating me, I was spoiling him, and I needed to let him cry. But, his needs seemed much more desperate than any other baby. He seemed to think more like a adult than a baby. He seemed to always hate being a baby, like a two-year old in a baby's body. He was always a bored whiny clingmonster at home, but out in public or on vacation, he was a charming sweet charismatic cutie that dazzled every one. No one would ever think he was High Needs, until they tried to pick him up! I knew in my heart that because he was much happier being stimulated, he would be better once he walked.
Lo and Behold, once he walked he was MUCH better. When I blamed a lot of his HN on teething, I found a more predictable pattern to his irritability. Teething was definately a major cause. When he's not teething or whining, he's the best kid around, despite his need for constant entertainment and his unwillingness to sit still. I'm glad I met all of his needs, I never tried to "toughen him up" by making him cry alone. He needed me, I was there, and now I have this wonderful toddler who blows me kisses a thousand times a day and bends over to smell flowers everywhere and hugs big stuffed animals at the toy store so hard he topples on to the floor kissing them. His smile and giggle are mesmerizing and he melts the hearts of everyone he meets. He is also extremely bright and polite, and his favorite thing to do is read books sitting in my lap. Jake has "forced" me to reach 200% of Mommy potential and has brought my dh and I together more as a team (romance though, because of my daily exhaustion is another story).
I find myself still struggling through my days a lot of the time because that first year took so much out of me. I am left feeling a bit shell-shocked. And I have recently found the time to realize that I have a problem with anxiety, I find it hard to relax even when I am in a relaxing situation. After going through so much unpredictability with Jake -- feeling like I have to be two steps ahead of him to prevent him from fussing all the time and knowing that good moments only last for seconds or minutes, and that a major complaint is just around the corner, has made me on edge and anxious. And being a SAHM has made the anxiety worse, because I still find it hard to look forward to the next day, not knowing if it will be good, tolerable, or bad. Or if the coming years will bring marked improvement of if I will always be struggling. And finally, the thought of another baby. If not for wanting to give Jake a sibling, I'd say one is just fine.
It was a life saver when I found this board. Just finding out I was not alone was all I needed to go on. I don't know what I'd do without it.
Amy and Jake 4/28/99 (17mo)