My story, I was with my DH for 7 years before we got married. We finally got married because I wanted kids. He said he wanted kids too but secretly was very scared & didn?t want to be a dad. I got pregnant within 2 months, had bad MS for 3 weeks then it was smooth sailing til 8 months when the Hemorrhoids got so big I had to get them cut (DO NOT DO THIS! If you do not have too) it makes it worse. All in all I would say I loved being preggers. DH was the BEST preg. Hubby. There for me and supportive. I gained 45 pounds which for my 5?2? frame was HUGE! But I loved it. I loved being pregnant.
Josh was extremely active in utero, thankfully it never hurt! So, 2 weeks before my due date my water breaks at 3am. I was shocked at how much water came out! We went in & I got an Epidural at 2 ? centimeters because of 3-4 minute contractions. The Epidural worked great for me & I actually got to feel the contractions though dulled, and I still got the urge to push and felt the baby the whole time, I felt so so lucky!
When Josh slipped out 11 hours later he was perfect! Very aware & even looked right into my eyes, nursed great from the start. Thankfully I never had problems there. I had enough milk for 4 babies! He weighed 8 pounds 13 ounces was 20 inches long & he was very chubby gorgeous & aware! I swear he looked like a month old at birth. He was demanding from the start but I loved him so much I did not notice or care. As long as he was nursing &/or held he was fine. He nursed every half hour to an hour for about his first three months. I did not want to put him down for anything! I held him the whole two days we were in the Hospital. We got him home two days later & he slept peacefully in his bassinet next to me on the couch for the first three weeks. Then he woke up.
He cried most of the day & night for three months. I was terrified. This will sound naļ¶„ but I did not know this was not ?normal?. I was never around any babies before so had nothing to compare it too. All I knew was I was exhausted day & night & feeling like I was going crazy! DH went back to work after two weeks because he was ?needed at work?. I resented that so much! I had no one for support during that time. I have never been so low or desperate or lonely in my whole life. I will never forget the deep depression I felt or the resentment felt to my DH for not even making sure I was clean & fed. I went days without a shower because the crying/screaming was too much for me or I was too depressed. I went half days without eating because I would forgo food to keep Josh happy. My life revolved around making Josh happy. He would not be let alone for a second. The weird thing was, he still screamed with me holding him, it was less than when he was set down or held by DH but even I couldn?t comfort him. He even did it through nursing. I do not know how we made it through that time. I remember wanting earplugs because Josh?s scream was & still is very SHRILL. It was scary because NOTHING worked to comfort him. All the books saying how much babies loved car rides, swings & slings made it worse, WHY doesn?t Josh like those things? What is wrong with him? What is wrong with me? Trips to the Dr.?s did nothing to soothe either of us. ?He?s fine, just fussy? ?It?s colic, it?ll wear off soon? Gosh , I could just kick all those Dr.?s.! There was never a fever, or reflux or gas with Josh, just the screaming. He looked so pissed off all the time I started to think he hated me. DH figured Josh hated him so he did not hold him or help me at all. I hated anything that got in the way of Josh?s happiness: the phone, my dog, DH wanting food ( how dare he want food when he can see what I am going through??) I hated anyone who could leave the very loud room I was in!
I worried more when I noticed Josh didn?t fit any of the names & descriptions Dr.?s & books used for fussy. He was not gassy or colicky, did not cry for any particular rhyme or reason. The round the clock screaming stopped at 3 months, But he kept the in general screaming for no reason at any time til he was 9 months old. There was never a pattern or way to tell that he was going to start or stop, that was the WORST part for me, I needed a reason so badly! During his first year I took him out to visit 2 people, Josh screamed so much I could not hear conversations, so why take him out just to be saying ?What? What?? all over the place? What really hurt me was all my relatives looking at me funny or saying something was wrong with me or Josh, I know now how mean & wrong that was now but at the time I just went home & cried. They all said I was spoiling him. How can you spoil a month old?!?! They even said he was manipulating me!! It made me angry when they said to just let him cry, even his Ped. told me that, I changed Ped.?s after that! Because he slept ON me, we slept on the couch, til he almost fell off me one night because I actually fell asleep, then I moved from the couch to our King bed. DH moved to the couch. Josh would ONLY sleep comfortably for any length of time if he was on my chest. For his next three months I slept with pillows propping up my elbows so he wouldn?t fall off me, half awake all the time to make sure he was OK. But at least then he slept. He would wake up & scream if I moved. Josh would also only nap on me. Til he was 18 months old he napped ON me. That was so harsh on me but I did it because I wanted a happy baby. I was so foggy with exhaustion & all I did whatever I had to to make him happy.
I think the second worst thing for me was the walking. Josh would scream & scream unless I walked around the room. I wore out the carpet in the master bedroom. It was horrible, I had dreams of gently rocking my little son in the glider, humming to him & smelling him, giving him infant massage, meanwhile Josh screamed if I ACTED like I WANTED to sit, he screamed if I CLEARED MY THROUT!!! It was really bizarre. He needed to be in motion all the time, it was unbelievable. He could be in his bouncy seat for a few minutes at a time but it had to be constantly bouncing him, which meant I had to sit there instead of eating etc? By two months he was too big for the sling so I got used to doing everything one handed. Everything. I don?t know how I did it.
I cried with him sometimes, oddly enough my crying in front of him (or with him) calmed him down! The second I stopped he started crying again! I got so depressed when I went out & saw other or younger babies sitting contentedly in their strollers or hearing my cousins stories of her having to wake her little one up!! It was so hard not to cry! Then I discovered that singing Jingle Bells at the top of my lungs soothed him. I sang that song so much I will NEVER sing it again! lol I called my DH countless times just to vent a little & he would say ?You wanted a baby? or ?What do you want me to do, I cant help you? ?Can?t you shut him up so I can hear you?? What happened to my supportive preg. Hubby?!?! He disappeared the second he noticed Josh did not want anyone but me. Josh rejected anyone but me til he was over a year old, and still mostly rejects DH. He screamed louder when DH held him so DH handed Josh back to me feeling angry & resentful & jealous.
The whining & clinging got worse from 6-10 months. I was on the floor all day every day usually exhausted & hungry. I also have always had anxiety issues stemming from my childhood so this just made it worse, ?How will Josh be today?? ?When is he gonna stop this craziness?? ?When am I gonna eat/sleep again?? ?How am I gonna fix my marriage??
My cousin kept telling me I was being manipulated & spoiling him but I felt his needs so deeply. He just wanted to be with me desperately. He seemed to think more like a person than a baby. I knew he hated being a baby, you could see him be so serious & watching everything intently, he still does that. I soon stopped talking to everyone I knew just so I wouldn?t have to hear their ?advice? & ?help?. I think a lot of Josh?s thing was he wanted to communicate so badly & be moving that he got frustrated. He needed constant attention & entertainment until he was 18 months. Gradually he got better & better but never played alone or wanted down. He finally started to crawl & got a little better, then when he started walking it got a lot better, then when he started communicating it got way better. Now you would never know he was such a HN baby. He is very particular & choosy & loves to laugh. I love him more than life itself and that is saying a lot after what I went through!
Despite all this I do want another baby someday, I will pray fervently that the next one is LN, I personally have had enough HN to last me a lifetime. It was 18 months before I stopped worrying about his outbursts & crying fits & mood swings. 18 months before I could talk to someone on the phone without worrying about his screaming interrupting me, 18 months before I got a little ?me time? while he napped without staring at him with anxiety the whole time wondering when he?d wake up screaming.
My biggest fear even above having another HN baby is having an un-supportive DH. Do I dare have another child as basically a ?single mother?? Or do I take a deep breath, have another baby & hope that DH the next time will get to feel life?s biggest joy: giving & receiving your baby?s love.
Rachel and Josh