In February of 1999 I ended a 3 year relationship with someone who refused to grow up. He wanted his cake and wanted to eat it too(if you know what I mean). So I packed my bags and drove the 4 and 1/2 hours home to my Mom and Dad. Exactly two weeks later I discovered I was 8 weeks pregnant. I hated myself and the doctors who told me I would never get pregnant. I had morning sickness so bad I lost 20 pound in 2 weeks and had to go to the ER twice to get re-hydrated. I spent my whole pregnancy kicking myself and fighting with the guy who helped me get in the condition. I DID NOT WANT TO BE PREGNANT! (by the way, we did work our problems out and got married the day before justin was born).
My Justin came screaming into the world regardless of my feelings on the matter. He refused to nurse for 18 hours after he was born and then and there we took to our seperate corners. I just knew he was punishing me for nine months of not "wanting" him.
The next few months were filled with fighting to nurse, no sleep and constant crying. Justin would only nurse on one side and really didn't seem to want to nurse at all. At 4 months I gave up nursing and started him on formula full time. Up until now, I had been supplementing.
We moved to NC when he was 3 months old. My husband works long hours and sometimes is gone for days. So here I was all alone with this child I was convinced hated me. I can remember sleeping on the couch with him because my husband said no to him sleeping in bed with us but co-sleeping was the only way we could all get atleast 4 hours sleep. I remember baths and getting him dressed to go anywhere ended up with Jason (when he was home) going out and smoking a ciggarette and me sobbing hysterically in the bedroom holding an equally sobbing baby. Needless to say we did not go many places in the beginning and if I was alone I didnt go anywhere.
When Justin was starting to learn to crawl (around 4 months!) things got worse. The frustration from knowing he could do it but not being able to figure out exactly how would send him into fits of hysterics. Tantrums at 4 months!! Who would of thunk it? I can't remember who said it but I agree high needs babies just hate being babies!
By 5 months I was so severely depressed that I could hardly pull myself out of bed. All he did was cry from the time he opened his eyes to the time he went to bed (usually this was from 6 am til around midnight...no nap either) and then I found my way to you all through an invitation one of you posted on the October 99 board. (thank you)
I spent the first 8 months of my sons life regretting have sex that blessed January day. Now we are starting to form a real bond. I am saddened and tears are in my eyes that we missed out on so much in the beginning. I resented him. He represented the loss of my youth and now I spend each day telling him how much I dearly love him. I honestly know, if asked, I would lay down and die for him. In the beginning, I'm not sure I would have answered the question the same way and I will never let myself be forgiven for that.
I think the turning point for us was one day in the middle of a tantrum (around 8 months) I threw him in his crib and went outside for fear I might hurt him or me. When I came back in the house my Justin was screaming "Mom!" over and over. I slammed in to his room and screamed "what do you want from me? Why cant you just stop crying for 2 minutes! I hate my life! He replied as clear as day "I love you Mama". People say I made that story up but I believe Justin's and my guardian angel got together and helped us see that we truly do love and need one another despite the past we have a very bright future.
Manda and Justin 10/8/99
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