Jack came grunting into this world on easter Sunday of 2000. He was 11 days late. I was determined to go into labor. Labor was fine, yes, thank god for epirdurals! However, they got into my spinal space and I endured a spinal headache for the next week. Yowza, that hurt. The first 8 weeks were a total nightmare. My most vivid memory is a week after Jack was born, waiting in the emergnecy room, head throbbing, boobs dripping, bawling my head off in front of anyone and everyone, waiting for them to patch my spine back up so my headache would go away. They told me 90 per cent of people got relief within 10 minutes after the procedure. Wouldn't you know I was the 10 per cent who didn't! They told me not to worry, it would go away on its own within a month. A MONTH!? Then I lost it in earnest. Other highlights of those eight weeks were punching my husband in the arm, calling him up on his cell phone sobbing for him to come home, cancelling my sisters visit from Nebraska, and avoiding phone calls. I really didn't want to talk to the people who had enoucraged me to get into the business of motherhood! What were they thinking?! What was wrong with me?
At about 3 months, I started having fantasies of leaving. I went to work with my bags packed once. My husband took Jack away for a couple of days, and when they returned, things got better.
We spent most of the first 3 months walking. We went on hour long walks several times a day in the sling, and later the bjorn. He rarely fussed when being walked, and I liked the weather, and all of the attention he got. Then Jack started smiling and laughing and fussing less.
I don't feel like I'm in a crisis anymore. For the last 6 weeks or more, I've been okay. I might even say, "happy". Part of this is due to giving up on being the perfect mom, I've gone back to work, and I take lots of breaks. I do worry about this. But I feel like it's the best thing for my mental health. I enjoy Jack now, and love it when people say what a happy baby he is. I'm pretty proud of him. He's got the softest little cheeks this side of somethin or other.
I regret going into motherhood so totally clueless. When I asked my best friend what the downsides were, she said "there are none". I think even normal need motherhood is hard, and requires by far more sacrifice than I ever imagined.
My relationship with my husband is not so hot, he does a lot, but if I act like he's doing me a favor, or I don't expect it, he reverts back to slackerhood. So, gotta stay on top of him! I resent that, and I wonder how this whole experience is going to affect us in the end.
So, I can't figure out of Jack is on the low end of high needs (I'm votin fot his one) , or I'm just getting used to this. But overall, I kinda like things the way they are now. I think I can live with this. We shall see.... Thanks for listening. And thanks for the tremendous support. I love this board!
Tammy and Jack (5 months)