Smak-O-Matic
By Steve Felson
Volume I, Number 2
January 21, 2001
Eat your Bran,
Stay Regulator
One gloomy day, trapped within the
walls of corporate America, a friend of mine was meandering through the little
used features of Strat-O-Matic when he found baseball gold…a little known, and
probably even less used feature called
The Regulator.
For those of you who have never
experimented with Strat’s questionable foray into the action gaming world,
picture Hideo Nomo (really, it looked like him) standing on a one dimensional
mound trying to follow these instructions: stretch…windup… bow until your chin
touches your shin…pitch. It’s
absolutely hilarious. Actually, it’s
funnier to imagine someone playing an entire game with this feature turned on,
but that’s a topic for another column.
My friend and I laughed for at
least ten minutes as we watched pitch after pitch make its way toward an
imaginary plate while trying to line it up in the crosshairs like some big game
hunter. Hopefully this feature, for
some reason called The Regulator, was Strat-O-Matic’s first and last attempt to
compete with the likes of EA Sports ®, Nintendo ® and Sony Playstation ®. I’ve gotta tell you, the Regulator would
lose to Pong and Handball in a mano a mano video game war. The good news, however, is that I believe
Strat executives learned a valuable lesson from this; do what you do best!
Recently, I have noticed a lot of
hostility around the web ring in regards to the upcoming enhancements for
Strat-O-Matic Baseball version 6. Hell-llo,
you’re complaining about improvements!
You compare features of other simulation games to Strat’s and cry bloody
murder. You laud the customer service
of other simulations and drool over their playoff feature. You wish Strat only had this and pray Strat
only had that. To quote my ten year old
daughter, “If you like these other games so much, why don’t you marry
them?” Yes, it’s a little childish, but
if the shoe fits…
Strat-O-Matic does what it does
best; offer a realistic baseball simulation to gamers ranging from the casual
observer to the schizophrenic enthusiast.
Furthermore, they do a pretty good job!
We have come a long way in the last 30 years. And, I don’t know about you, but it’s still my favorite way to
waste an evening or a Saturday afternoon.
No, Strat-O-matic is not perfect, but neither is real baseball. I haven’t noticed any of you petitioning
Bud-Lite Selig because the Expos can’t keep their talent or because there are
enough batteries at a Phillies game to keep an entire generation of
octogenarian’s Clappers working. And
the reason you don’t complain…because you realize it’s part of baseball. Why can’t you come to the same epiphany
regarding Strat? It’s a game! (See last week’s column for further evidence
on this point) Ask yourself, “Am I
having fun?” After all, isn’t that all
that matters?
Look, when you were twelve, didn’t
you have that lame Mattel ® or Coleco ® electronic football game? Newsflash, you spent all those hours
following a red light move across a tiny screen. You used your imagination to give that red light a name like
Dorsett or Harris and high-fived yourself when you heard the triumphant
touchdown music. There wasn’t even a
quarterback in the Mattel version for heaven’s sake! Did you care? No. You
were young enough to just enjoy what you had. By the way, Wal Mart is selling
the Mattel game again for $12 in case you’re interested.
I realize you are an adult now and
your standards are higher. There are
many of you out there spouting Felson-directed venom right now about how I just
don’t get it, and how can he bad-mouth the Company like that. You know what? That’s fine. My father
told me when I was young not to spend my whole life trying to be right. If you want to be right…and miserable, go right
ahead. You are correct. Strat’s customer service isn’t
always five star, other games have better this or better that. However, I, and thousands like me, are
content marveling over the statistical accuracy of the game, or the Card Image
feature or, heck, even The Regulator feature of Strat-O-Matic. If you like those other games so much then
go. Get your quickie divorce from the
best sports simulation available and latch on to your new floozy. You’ll be back. You always come back. In
the meantime, stop your whining, scarf down another bowl of bran and get
yourself regular again…or should I say Regulator. But for goodness sakes, leave the rest of us
alone. Some of us have a season for
which to prepare.
brought
to you exclusively by My Sandlot www.oocities.org/highoaksdrifter
Be sure
and visit Strat-O-Matic World www.somworld.com