Smak-O-Matic
Volume I, Number 3
February 8, 2001
Alex, I’ll Take “Pound
for Pound” for $1000
Dispassionate Footsteps echo on a hard linoleum floor as the commissioner makes his way to the podium. Confidently, he stares at the eager, salivating crowd. The microphone reverberates the anticipation as it’s carelessly stretched toward his mouth. Ehh-hmmm. The commissioner clears his throat. Ehhhhhhh- hmmmmmmmm, a longer clearing follows, leading into the preamble for which we all have been waiting. “With the first selection of the 2001 Strat-O-Matic Hierarchy of the Benevolent Universe draft, the Sierra Madre Crayolas select, journeyman Bud Black formerly of the San Fransisco Giants.” From the ESPN table toward the back of the banquet hall, Dan Patrick informs his viewers that, “Black will join Red Schoendist, Vida Blue, Scarborough Green and a colorful cast of characters in an effort to run the table on the Northeast Division this season.”
All right, so the preceding paragraph was more fantasy than fiction. However, with player cards literally being mailed as you read this, Strat-O-Matic draft season is at its peak. This, of course, also means my email is filled with thoughts on all subjects Strat-O. While I love the emails titled, “Jose Lima has more homers on his card than Sammy Sosa”, some of my favorite stories are those about owners who draft players according to some grand master plan, like … only players whose names begin with “L” or only left handed batters or only players whose name sounds like the word cumquat or, as in the case of the Sierra Madre Crayolas, only players whose name is a color. Yes, these lunatics are out there clogging up the basements of otherwise healthy Strat league divisions all across the country. They draft according to some fanatical maxim concocted for reasons I don’t dare try to understand.
So, I got to thinking how if I lost my mind one day, what kind of theme team would I draft? First, I came up with only drafting players I have never seen outside of Wrigley Field. Unfortunately, that only rules out Ryne Sandberg whom I saw in 1992 getting into a cab. That’s not much of a theme. Then, I thought to myself, self, how about an all-bald team? I quickly came to the realization that outside of David Justice and possibly Matt Williams, I wouldn’t have much of a team.
Racking my frustrated brain for a theme, I pounded my fist against the desk. This dislodged some chocolaty goo from the Little Debbie snack cake coddled in my left hand, projecting the sugary bullet toward my pile of stats and draft notes on the floor, landing with a splat. Staring at the confectionary disfigurement which had ruined my cards, it came to me…I would put together the largest team, pound for pound, in the history of Strat-O-Matic Baseball.
I ruffled through boxes of baseball cards and rubber-banded Strat-O-Matic teams…after washing my hands of course… in search of my Fat-O-Matic roster candidates. After a long and tedious search, I made offers, signed contracts and was ready to hit the field. For some reason, I feel the need to share with the world my findings…
· First Base: This was a tough one. My first, and seemingly most obvious choices were Cecil Fielder or Willie Stargell. However, after careful consideration, I have sent Cecil and Willie to the Pine in favor of an old favorite of mine. I saw him play when he was a svelte 220 pounds in the minors and followed his mediocre career from Ft. Lauderdale to New York to Kansas City. I am speaking of none other than Steve “Bye Bye” Balboni.
· Second Base: I thought about this one long and hard before making my selection. Second base is a tough place to find a fat guy. Therefore, I am naming Pete Rose as my starting second sacker. Sure, he only played a handful of games up the middle in the 60’s for the Big Red Machine, but some props has to be given to the all-time hit king…especially in light of the fact that he has ballooned in mass since his playing days and it would really piss off Bud Selig!
· Third Base: This selection was a no-brainer. How could any real baseball fan ignore the untamed blonde hair and fried chicken toting fingers of the mass of fielding ineptitude known as Bob Horner.
· Short Stop: Although he was not necessarily known best for playing this position, Bill Madlock is my choice for shortstop. My guess is that Bill was wearing Sears Husky jeans as early as age six. Although he was not entirely Horner-like in his rotundness, in a position that sported the likes of Mark Belanger and Fred “Chicken” Stanley, his bat and his belly put him at the top of my list.
· Left Field: Picture a bright yellow sunny day, a clear blue sky, green manicured grass and a 100-pound gut shoved into a tight black polyester shirt. Likely, you have pictured my choice for left field, Greg “Bull” Luzinski. Even though he was much better known for his heyday with the Phillies, the backdrop of the White Sox uniform really makes my point. If only Bull could have batted his weight, he’d be in the hall of fame!
· Right Field: Pound for Pound, the best big right fielder of all time is Tony Gwynn. I admit, his early career weight was far below his batting average. With age, however, Tony’s girth has been creeping farther over the Mendoza line landing him a spot on the team
· Center Field: In a surprise move, I am naming a second San Diego Padre to the team. Granted, he wasn’t exactly a household name in Center but spring training phenom Garth Brooks gets the nod. Hey, someone has to sing on the team bus and I once saw him shag flies in center, I had to have him!
· Catcher: For a position that has oft been known for it’s portly population, I had a hard time making a selection. In the end, it was obvious that only one man could start for this team at catcher. That man is Englebert from the Bad News Bears. ‘Nuff said!
· Relief Pitcher: To fill this roster spot, I dug deep into Minnesota Twins team history. Who covered more of the mound, literally, in the later part of a game than jolly Juan Berenguer? The Burrito King not only threw some nasty junk at hitters, but also down his esophagus. He makes the team!
· Starting Pitcher: As with first base, this position boasts an obvious choice who will be sitting on the bench. Sports Illustrated cover aside, David Wells does not make this team. In his stead, I am selecting a tandem of brothers who simply could not be drafted separately. I am speaking, of course, of Rick and Paul Reuschel of the 70’s Cubs team. As a package deal, these two could be our team’s biggest (pun intended) star!
Well, that’s the team. I had a ton of fun doing this. Hopefully, it will inspire you to chew the fat with a few of your friends and, maybe, start a theme league of your own. Remember, if one of these theme owners has surfaced in your league, don’t complain. While he is selecting Max Patkin with a first round pick to round out the team’s circus theme, that just leaves Raphael Furcal for you! I’d love to write some more but I’m meeting Cecil Fielder at the Sizzler in an hour for dinner.
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