| Whew.. I needed this. Finally a page where I can just ramble, without fear of anyone reading this, because, lets face it. My webpage designing skills leave something to be desired. Anyway, if you are reading this, that means somehow you found me. I'm busted. Here I go. I am just going to write anything that comes to mind.... naw, just kidding. here goes. I hate my dad. It's true. I don't like the man. He did some pretty fucked up shit to me and my mom. He kicked us out when I was 15. My mom didn't have any money, she's been at home all of the time taking care of my brother and I ( my brother is 8 years older than me) So when my dad kicked us out, my mom didn't have anywhere to take me. She was really depressed too. It was better that neither of us lived together. It was easier to maintain life on our own, who do you know that will take in more than 1 person at a time.... Yeah, thought so So anyway, I started couch surfing. You know, thats where you go from friend to friend until you eat all of their food, and their couch starts to get permanent "nicole' marks in it. Then you have to leave. I don't blame them. I wasn't their responsibility. Finally I moved in with these people... Lets call them the "smiths" They were really nice. They treated me good. I started baby sitting their kids, and then I moved in as sorta the nanny. Things were going really well until Mr. Smith told me I had to sleep with him, or he'd tell mrs. smith that I had to go. YES I BLAME THIS ON MY FATHER!!!! If he hadn't of been such an ass, I would still be in school like a normal 15 year old, instead of playing house whore. So, of course, I slept with this guy. I was a virgin too. This really toasts my cookies! I can't believe I did it! I was just trying to survive. I also wanted to. He showed me love, and I really needed it at the time. Problem was he was 36, and I was 15. oh, and the fact that he's a gross pedophile. I wasn't the first. I know that. I really want to tell my story... there is plenty to tell. But I can't tell anyone! Not my mom, because if she found out she'd blame herself. It wasn't her fault. She loved me, but she also didn't want me living in a cardboard box under the bridge, ya know? She thinks that everything went fine. I finally got up the courage to tell my boyfriend. I had kept my secret since I was 15, It felt good to let it go. I have come to the decision that it wasn't my fault. For a long time I really had thought it was my fault. But no matter how you slice it, I was 15, and he was 36. Who knows how the world works at 15? I didn't know he was using me. I was scared that my boyfriend wouldn't love me anymore. It would be different if this guy was a stranger, but it wasn't. Mr. Smith is my boyfriends half uncle. My boyfriends dad is Mr. Smith half brother. If my boyfriends dad found out about this...I'm sure they would side with Mr. Smith. I really don't care for my boyfriends parents. (see why I hate protestants) OOH OOH.. should I talk about my drug problem? Yeah, while I was living with Mr. and Mrs. Smith ( Mrs. Smith by the way, is one the best people I know. She took me in, and had no clue about what her husband was doing. Still doesn't know. Mr. and Mrs. Smith are divorced now. for other reasons) Mr. Smith had a really bad cocaine habit. Well, mr. smith thought it a good idea to have Nicole share his cocaine. I have no clue why he wanted me to smoke crack with him. I haven't looked that far into it to find a reason. Just think it was another one of Nicole's fucked up adventures! But He did, and so I did. I thought this guy was God. I really did. I did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. I went to hotels with him. I bought Crack for him...... HEY! Come to think of it, Thats WHY! I bought the shit. If I got popped, he was still free to go out and do it. If the dealer thought he needed to rape me and steal my money, then too bad. Mr. Smith was off to find another dealer on the mean streets of Colton. Anyway... Mr. Smith took me out and got me high alot. mostly on Crack Cocaine. Yeah, its a screwed up drug, but hey, it's a screwed up world and I am a screwed up girl! I still have problems. I've been clean since october 31st 1999. The previous night I had gone to a Suicidal Tendencies concert at the Glass House in Pomona. Well when the concert let out, which was by then 10/31 I drove back to Moreno Valley with about 20 fucked up people in the back of this POS Caddy Land Boat, without a drivers license I might add! (damn, I'm good) I got to the house, not mine! on Day st. in Moreno Valley, My pager started going. It was him, so of course, I had some of the guys I was with drive me back down Allesandro to the Mickey Dee's in Mission Grove. I hopped outta that car, got into mr. smiths, and we drove on down to the Motel 7 (YES I just said Motel 7, not 6... this is moreno valley's answer to not backing down to a franchise) We bought our shit, but didn't have a pipe. You wouldn't believe how easy it is to buy shit on the street. You drive up to anyone walking down the street at 2am and trust me, they either have it, or they know where to get it. So we actually paid 300 dollars for a used crack pipe. You gotta do what you gotta do. By this time.. I was fiendin' so of course, the money wasn't a problem. Mr. Smith always left me in charge of the money, I thought I was special... nope, I was just stupid. to be continued................ |