To Say Goodbye

By: Miyu

Note: I don't own these characters or the series. This is my first real fanfic from this series. I know it's sad, and it was a spur of the moment thing. The narrator, if you don't guess, is Hilde. Please don't flame me for what happens. Duo Maxwell is actually one of my favorite characters.

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I honestly don't think I'll ever regret what happened between Duo and I during the time he was with me. Though he's gone now, the memories will always be with me. He was a good friend, and a whole lot more. Why do I say it now, after he died?

I suppose it's my own personal way of dealing with it. He was a soldier. He told me that a million times. And I knew what danger he faced everytime he went out to fight. But I guess you just have to live for the moment. That's something that Duo taught me during that time he was with me. You can't live for tomorrow, because you don't know if it's really coming. I'm sure after all he went through, he had learned that all too well.

But the memories are so comforting now. God knows I did love him. I loved him more then life itself. So why didn't I somehow manage to stop him from fighting? My answer is right there. I loved him enough to give him what he wanted. And in the end, I do think he desired his own death.

That time had started out bittersweet. I actually won his love and we had plans. Big plans. The night before, he'd promised me a lot of things. Duo Maxwell said many things, but he always meant them. He'd been doing so well for himself. He'd actually conquered his nightmares. And we'd agreed to get married in a few months.

But then that fateful attack came. I couldn't stop him from going out to fight. I'd learned a long time ago that when Duo has his mind set to something, you can't change it. So I watched him leave. But how was I to know he wouldn't come back the same?

I honestly believe that when he woke up in the hospital and the doctor said the word paralized, it destroyed him. I was there, but what comfort could I really offer? Eventually, I did bring him home. But things weren't the same. He became withdrawn, and barely ate anything. Needless to say, this did worry me. Relena came by several times, and she kept pushing me to do something. But in reality, what could I do? I hated seeing him suffer. And whatever I said or did could've just made it worse.

That night, I think something inside of me knew he was going to die. That's why I kept sitting with him and holding him. I'll never forget what he said when he opened his eyes and began whispering to me. He was apologizing for the lives he took, for the things he did that were wrong. He wanted me to know that he didn't mean to break his promise not to leave me, but he couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't really cry anymore for him; I'd done enough of that every night before.

I told him that it was okay to die. God is all forgiving, and will understand what he was doing. But to my surprise, Duo really wasn't asking for God's forgiveness as much as he was asking for mine. Of course I'd forgive him. In reality, I hated seeing him suffer. And I told him so.

At that, he gave me a soft smile and whispered goodbye. I knew as soon as he closed his eyes that this was it. But somehow, in all of this, I felt a burden being taken off my shoulders. And I could've sworn that I actually watched his soul leave his body for that eternal place that we will all eventually go to. That's when I said my goodbye.

Waking up alone everyday now does hurt. But at the same time, I do think I have something to live for. I didn't know it then, but I was pregnant when he died. I gave birth to the child about seven months later. I wish Duo was here to see him. But I know he's watching from somewhere. And now, I have a part of him with me. I look into that little boy's eyes and I see so much of Duo.

I guess in a way, he's never left me.