Willowgreen: Grief Tips (Help for Those Who Mourn) Following are many ideas to help people who are mourning a loved one's death. Different kinds of losses dictate different responses, so not all of these ideas will suit everyone. Likewise, no two people grieve alike--what works for one may not work for another. Treat this list for what it is: a gathering of assorted suggestions that various people have tried with success. Perhaps what helped them through their grief will help you. The emphasis here is upon specific, practical ideas. Talk regularly with a friend. Talking with another about what you think and feel is one of the best things you can do for yourself. It helps relieve some of the pressure you may feel, it can give you a sense of perspective, and it keeps you in touch with others. Look for someone who's a good listener and a caring soul. Then speak what's on your mind and in your heart. If this feels one-sided, let that be okay for this period of your life. Chances are the other person will find meaning in what they're doing. And the time will come when you'll have the chance to be a good listener for someone else. You'll be a better listener then if you're a good talker now. Walk. Go for walks outside every day if you can. Don't overdo it, but walk briskly enough that it feels invigorating. Sometimes try walking slowly enough you can look carefully at whatever you want to see. Observe what nature has to offer you, what it can teach you. Enjoy as much as you're able the sights and the sounds that come your way. If you like, walk with another. Carry or wear a linking object. Carry something in your pocket or purse that reminds you of the one who died--a keepsake they gave you perhaps, or a small object they once carried or used, or a memento you select for just this purpose. You might wear a piece of their jewelry in the same way. Whenever you want, reach for or gaze upon this object and remember what it signifies. Visit the grave. Not all people prefer to do this. But if it feels right to you, then do so. Don't let others convince you this is a morbid thing to do. Spend whatever time feels right there. Stand or sit in the quietness and do what comes naturally: be silent or talk, breathe deeply or cry, recollect or pray. You may wish to add your distinctive touch to the gravesite--straighten it a bit, or add little signs of your love. Create a memory book. Compile photographs which document your loved one's life. Arrange them into some sort of order so they tell a story. Add other elements if you want: diplomas, newspaper clippings, awards, accomplishments, reminders of significant events. Put all this in a special binder and keep it out for people to look at if they wish. Go through it on your own if you desire. Reminisce as you do so. Recall your dreams. Your dreams often have important things to say about your feelings and about your relationship with the one who died. Your dreams may be scary or sad, especially early on. They may seem weird or crazy to you. You may find that your loved one appears in your dreams. Accept your dreams for what they are and see what you can learn from them. No one knows that better than you. Tell people what helps you and what doesn't. People around you may not understand what you need. So tell them. If hearing your loved one's name spoken aloud by others feels good, say so. If you need more time alone, or assistance with chores you're unable to complete, or an occasional hug, be honest. People can't read your mind, so you'll have to speak it. Write things down. Most people who are grieving become more forgetful than usual. So help yourself remember what you want by keeping track of it on paper or with whatever system works best for you. This may include writing down things you want to preserve about the person who has died. Ask for a copy of the memorial service. If the funeral liturgy or memorial service held special meaning for you because of what was spoken or read, ask for the words. Whoever participated in that ritual will feel gratified that what they prepared was appreciated. Turn to these words whenever you want. Some people find these thoughts provide even more help weeks and months after the service. Remember the serenity prayer. There is a prayer attributed to theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, but it's actually an ancient German prayer. It has brought comfort and support to many who have suffered various kinds of afflictions. Perhaps it will help you. The prayer goes, ÎGod, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know one from the other.¼ Great truth is contained here. Call these words to mind when you need their direction. Plant something living as a memorial. Plant a flower, a bush, or a tree in memory of the one who died. Or plant several things. Do this ceremonially if you wish, perhaps with others present. If you do this planting where you live, you can watch it grow and change day by day, season by season. You can even make it a part of special times of remembrance in the future. Plan at least one thing you'll do each day. Even if your grief is very painful and your energy very low, plan to complete at least one thing each day, even if it's a small thing. Then follow through with your plan, day after day. Don't feel you have to keep busy all day long; that can become awfully tiring and even counter-productive. Just help yourself feel that you're not entirely at the mercy of this overwhelming experience--there are some things you can do to help you through this time. Spend time in your loved one's space. If it's what you want to do, you may sit in the other's favorite chair, or lie in their bed, or just stand for in their room or among their possessions. Do this if it brings you comfort. But don't do it if it feels too awkward. You'll know quickly enough what's right for you. Journal. Write out your thoughts and feelings. Do this whenever you feel the urge, but do it at least several times a week, if not several times a day. Don't censor what you write--be just as honest as you can. In time, go back through your writings and notice how you're changing and growing. Write about that, too. Rest. Grieving is hard work. So do what's best for you: get your rest. Take naps if you wish. Lie down from time to time. Relax in a comfortable chair. Pace yourself so you have interludes in which you can replenish yourself. Give yourself plenty of permission to take things easy. Purchase something soft to sleep with. A teddy bear is a favorite choice for some. But there are other options. Select something that feels warm and cuddly. Then, whatever your age, cuddle it. Write the person who died. Write letters or other messages to your loved one, thoughts you wish you could express if they were present. And who knows but what they're not present in some way? Preserve what you write in your journal if you wish, or on stationery, or on your computer. Or, if you wish, discard what you've written after awhile. You'll find this urge to write the other will eventually leave you, but for awhile it can be a real release for you, as well as a real connection. Get a physical. It's wise to get a physical examination within a few months after the death. But it's also an assuring thing to do. Chances are good you'll experience various physical reactions when you're grieving. It's helpful to make sure that your body is acting normally, whatever Înormal¼ may be for you. Your physician can be an important ally at this time of your life. Get physical. Exercise. Flex your muscles. Stretch your body. Expand your lungs. It will help you feel better. It really will. Consider a support group. Spending time with a small group of people who have undergone a similar life experience can be very therapeutic. You can discover how natural your feelings are. You can learn from the experiences and the ideas of others. You can find backing as you make the changes you must. Support groups are not for everyone, of course. But many people have come to swear by them. You won't know unless you try. If you're alone, and if you like animals, get a pet. The attention and affection a pet provides may help you adapt to the loss of the attention and affection you're experiencing after this significant person has died. Pets can also be fun to play with. Certain pets offer you a sense of personal security, too, if that is important to you. Light a candle at mealtime. Especially if you eat alone, but even if you don't, consider lighting a taper at the table in memory of your loved one. Pause to remember them as you light it. Keep them nearby in this time of sustenance. You might light a candle at other times as well--as you sit alone in the evening, for instance. Donate their possessions meaningfully. Whether you give your loved one's personal possessions to someone you know or to a stranger, find ways to pass these things along so that others might benefit from them. Family members or friends might like to receive keepsakes. They or others might deserve tools or utensils or books or sporting equipment. Philanthropic organizations can put clothes to good use. Some wish to do this quickly following the death, while others wish to wait awhile. Create a memory area at home. In a space that feels appropriate, arrange a small tableau that honors the person: a framed photograph or two, perhaps a prized possession or award, or something they created, or something they loved. This might be placed on a small table, or a mantel, or a desk. Some people like to use a grouping of candles, representing not just the person who died but others who have died as well. In that case, a variety of candles can be arranged, each representing a unique life. Drink water. Grieving people can easily become dehydrated. Crying can naturally lead to that. And with your normal routines turned upside down, you may simply not drink as much or as regularly as you did before this death. Make this one way you care for yourself. Use your hands. Sometimes there's value in doing repetitive things with your hands, something you don't have to think about very much because it becomes second nature. Knitting and crocheting are like that. So are carving, woodworking, polishing, solving jigsaw puzzles, painting, braiding, shoveling, washing, and countless other activities. Give yourself respites from your grief. Just because you're grieving doesn't mean you must always be feeling sad or forlorn. There's value in sometimes consciously deciding that you'll think about something else for awhile, or that you'll do something you've always enjoyed doing. Sometimes this happens naturally and it's only later you realize that your grief has taken a back seat. Let it. This is not an indication you love that person any less, or that you're forgetting them. It's a sign that you're human and you need relief from the unrelenting pressure. It can also be a healthy sign you're healing. See a grief counselor. If you're concerned about how you're feeling and how well you're adapting, make an appointment with a counselor who specializes in grief. Often you'll learn what you need, both about grief and about yourself as a griever, in only a few sessions. Ask questions of the counselor before you sign on: What specific training does he or she have? What accreditation? A person who is a family therapist or a psychologist doesn't necessarily understand the unique issues of someone in grief. Begin your day with your loved one. If your grief is young, you'll probably wake up thinking of that person anyway. So why not decide that you'll include her or him from the start? Focus this time in a positive way. Bring to your mind fulfilling memories. Recall lessons this person taught you, Îgifts¼ he or she gave you. Think about how you can spend your day in ways that would be in keeping with your loved one's best self, and with your best self. Then carry that best self with you through your day. Invite someone to be your telephone buddy. If your grief and sadness hit your especially hard at times and you have no one nearby to turn to, ask someone you trust to be your telephone buddy. Ask their permission for you to call them whenever you feel you're at loose ends, day or night. Then put their number beside your phone and call them if you need them. Don't abuse this privilege, of course. And covenant that someday it will be -payback time---someday you'll make yourself available to help someone else in the same way you've been helped. That will help you accept the care you're receiving. Avoid certain people if you must. No one likes to be unfriendly or cold. But if there are people in your life who make it very difficult for you to do your grieving, then do what you can to stay out of their way. Some people may lecture you, or belittle you, or antagonize you, either knowingly or unknowingly. Take care of your health during your grief, including your emotional health. If that means protecting yourself from others for awhile, then do so. Structure alone time. You may have your full share of alone time, in which case you'll want to ignore this suggestion. But if you're often among family, friends, and colleagues, make sure you also have time all by yourself. A large part of the grieving process involves what goes on inside yourself--your thoughts, your feelings, your memories, your hopes and dreams. So allow yourself the opportunity to go inside so you can grow inside. Listen to music. Choose music you believe will help you at a given moment, whether it's contemporary or ancient, instrumental or vocal, secular or religious. Let the sounds surround you and soothe you. Take this music with you, if you wish, as you go about your day. Create your own music. Play an instrument. Sing a song. Or just hum. Use your music to express what you feel, to unite you with others, to focus on your hope. Do something your loved one would enjoy. Remember the one who died in your own unique way. One widowed woman has a special sour kraut meal once a year. She doesn't like this tangy dish herself, but it was her husband's favorite, and she finds solace in remembering him in that way. There are probably a hundred different things you could do that once brought meaning or satisfaction to the one you loved. The meaning and satisfaction don't have to end with the death of that person. Write stories about your loved one. Recreate those events you don't want to forget. Write them out in detail--when and where they occurred, who was there, what happened, what the results were. Describe everything as well as you can. Add dialogue is you wish. Make an entire collection of stories. It will help you today and it will become a valuable resource for yourself and others in the future. Screen your entertainment. Some TV shows and movies are best not viewed when you're deep in grief. The same goes for certain books or articles. If you have any question, do a bit of research before you find yourself in the midst of an experience which brings up too many feelings for you to handle comfortably. For example, if your loved one recently died of cancer, you can do without re-living that experience on a 30-foot movie screen. Read practical books and articles on grief. Reading is a great way to find your way through this roundabout experience. Steer clear of those books that are like textbooks for professionals. They won't offer you the undergirding you need. Go for the ones that speak to you directly and honestly as a person in mourning. It will probably help to read shorter books and more succinct articles--your power of concentration is likely to be diminished. Engage your soul. You'll want to do this your own way. Some people meditate, some pray, and some spend time alone in nature. Some worship with a congregation and others do it on their own. Many grieving people begin to sense that all of us, living and dead, are connected on a spiritual level in a way that defies easy understanding. Include your soul as you grow through your grief. Change some things. As soon as it seems right, alter some things in your home to make clear this significant change that has occurred. Rearrange a room or replace a piece of furniture or give away certain items that will never again be used in your home. This does not mean to remove all signs of the one who died. It does mean not treating your home or your loved one's room as a shrine which cannot be altered in any way. Plan ahead for special days. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and other special events can be difficult times, especially for the first year or two. Give thought beforehand to how you will handle those days. Do things a little differently than you used to, as a way of acknowledging this change in your life. But also be sure to invoke that person's presence and memory somehow during the day. If you don't include that person in some way, you'll spend too much of your energy acting as if nothing has been changed with that day, knowing full well that much has changed. Allow yourself to laugh. Sometimes something funny will happen to you, just like it used to. Sometimes you'll recall something hilarious that happened in the past. When that happens, go ahead and laugh if it feels funny to you. You won't be desecrating your loved one's memory. You'll be consecrating their love of life, and your own, too. Allow yourself to cry. Crying goes naturally with grief. Tears well up and fall even when you least expect them. Subdued sniffles can become racking sobs on a moment's notice. It may feel awkward to you, but this is not unusual for a person in your situation. A good rule of thumb is this: if you feel like crying, then cry. If not, then don't. Some grieving people seldom cry--it's just their way. Talk to the other one. If it helps, you might Îtalk with¼ the one who died as you drive alone in your car, or as you stand beside the grave, or as you screw up your courage to make an important decision. This talking might be out loud, or under your breath. Either way, it's the same: you're simply wishing the other was with you so you could talk things over, and for the moment you're doing the best you can to continue that conversation. This inclination to converse will eventually go away, when the time is right. Donate in the other's name. Honor the other's memory and spirit by giving a gift or gifts to a cause the other would appreciate. World hunger? A favorite charity? A local fund raiser? A building project? Extend that person's influence even farther. Create or commission a memory quilt. Sew or invite others to sew with you. Or hire someone to sew for you. However you get it completed, put together a wall hanging or a bedroom quilt that remembers the important life events of the one who died. Take your time doing this. Make it what it is: a labor of love. Take a yoga class. People of almost any age can do yoga. More than conditioning your body, it helps you relax and focus your mind. It can be woven into a practice of meditation. It's a gentle art for that time in your life when you deserve gentleness all around you. Plant yourself in nature. Dig a flower garden and keep it in color as long as possible. Dig a vegetable garden and stay close to it until frost. Walk in forests and put your hands on trees. Collect leaves and wildflowers. Watch firsthand how rivers and lakes and oceans behave. Look up at the stars and don't just wonder--hope. Connect on the Internet. If you're computer savvy, search the Internet. You'll find many resources for people in grief, as well as the opportunity to Îchat¼ with fellow grievers. You can link up with others without leaving your home. You'll also find much more to expand your horizons as a person who is beginning to grow. Speak to a clergyperson. If you're searching for answers to the larger questions about life and death, religion and spirituality, consider talking with a representative of your faith, or even another's faith. Consider becoming a Îspiritual friend¼ with another and making your time of grieving a time of personal exploring. Read how others have responded to a loved one's death. You may feel that your own grief is all you can handle. But if you'd like to look at the ways others have done it, try C. S. Lewis's A Grief Observed, Lynn Caine's Widow, John Bramblett's When Good-Bye Is Forever, or Nicholas Wolterstorff's Lament for a Son. There are many others. Check with a counselor or a librarian. Learn about your loved one from others. Listen to the stories others have to tell about the one who died, both stories you're familiar with and those you've never heard before. Spend time with their friends or schoolmates or colleagues. Invite them into your home. Solicit the writings of others. Preserve whatever you find out. Celebrate your time together. Take a day off. When the mood is just right, take a one-day vacation. Do whatever you want, or don't do whatever you want. Travel somewhere or stay inside by yourself. Be very active or don't do anything at all. Just make it your day, whatever that means for you. Invite someone to give you feedback. Select someone you trust, preferably someone familiar with the workings of grief, to give you their reaction when you ask for it. If you want to check out how clearly you're thinking, how accurately you're remembering, how effectively you're coping, go to that person. Pose your questions, then listen to their responses. What you choose to do with that information will be up to you. Vent your anger rather than hold it in. You may feel awkward being angry when you're grieving, but anger is a common reaction. The expression holds true: anger is best Îout floatin' rather than in bloatin'.¼ Even if you feel a bit ashamed as you do it, find ways to get it out of your system. Yell, even if it's in an empty house. Cry. Hit something soft. Throw eggs at something hard. Vacuum up a storm. Resist the temptation to be Îproper.¼ Give thanks every day. Whatever has happened to you, you still have things to be thankful for. Perhaps it's your memories, your remaining family, your support, your work, your own health--all sorts of things. Draw your attention to those parts of life that are worth appreciating, then appreciate them. Monitor signs of dependency. While it's normal to become more dependent upon others for awhile immediately after a death, it will not be helpful to continue in that role long-term. Watch for signs that you're prolonging your need for assistance. Congratulate yourself when you do things for yourself. Give yourself rewards. Be kind to yourself in your grief. Do those things for yourself that you really enjoy, perhaps at the end of a long day, or in the midst of a lonely time. Treat yourself to a favorite meal or delicacy. Get a massage. Buy some flowers. Do something frivolous that makes you feel good. Then soak up those moments as fully as you can. Eat healthy. Your diet affects how you think and feel as well as how your body acts. Eat balanced meals. Eat even if you're not hungry. Eat regular meals rather than just snacking. Avoid too much fat. Take up a new hobby. Try something you've never tried before. Expand your horizons. Do what you want to do, not what someone else may have wanted for you. Learn. Be open to meeting new people. Associate this part of your life with who you're becoming, rather than who you've been. Do something to help someone else. Step out of your own problems from time to time and devote your attention to someone else. Offer a gift or your service. Do this for yourself as much as for the other. Feel good about your worth. Honor your funnybone. Watch a comedy on TV. View a funny movie. Read humorous books or articles. Savor jokes. When you're able to laugh, you encourage your healing. Write down your lessons. Your grief experience will have much to teach you. From time to time reflect upon what it is you're learning. State it as plainly as you're able. Carry those lessons with you as you go about your days. (C) All contents Copyright 1996, James E.Miller. All rights reserved. Not to be copied without the author's permission. The ideas above are taken from a book entitled 'What Will Help Me? 12 Things To Remember When Someone You Love Has Died', Willowgreen Publishing, 509 West Washington Blvd., Fort Wayne, IN 46802, USA. Printed for Epiphany of Our Lord Parish, Scarborough, Canada, with permission.