Kenshin wanted to die. But he didn't. He couldn't. Yahiko needed him. They all needed him. He wanted to tell them to leave him alone. He was hurting, but they were hurting just as much. Kaoru was a light that warmed them all. Kenshin needed to keep everything together, like Kaoru had asked. They needed to take care of each other.
The trek back to the dojo, carrying his precious load, was torture. Each step stabbed the knowledge that he had been too late deeper and deeper into his heart.
"Kaoru-dono. . . Kaoru . . ."
The Buddhist ceremony of cremation was tomorrow. He didn't know if he could go through another one again. Losing Tomoe had been bad enough, but that pain had faded. Kaoru had been so young. She had not even begun to experience life. He should have told her before, told her everything. He had wasted all of this time with her stepping around the truth, avoiding the fact that he loved her so much.
He had rationalized that Kaoru was too young for him. Lifetimes too young. She was too good, innocent. He hid behind goofy faces, trying to bury his feelings for her behind those masks. He thought that one day she would find someone closer to her age, closer to her experience. Of course, he didn't know what he would do when that happened. Maybe he had thought he would be dead before then by the hand of some old enemy.
But when he had to go to Kyoto to fight Shishio, he could not leave without saying goodbye to her. It broke his heart then to leave and keep on walking while he heard her sobs. Those sounds echoed through his heart every step he took to Kyoto.
It was the sobs of Megumi that he could hear now. Kaoru was a good friend to her. Watching her die, not being able to help, Kenshin could see the toll all of this had taken on their small family. Nothing could ever be the same. Time seemed to have stopped.
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1999
"Geesh, Yukiko! You look totally gross!" Aya grinned at her best friend. She looked exhausted. Again. "So . . . . What's been keeping you up? I'm not going to ask who, 'cuz you have no social life. Unless. . .?"
"Aya. You have been my best friend for more years than I care to remember. I have loads of blackmail material at my disposal. Can you say,'I LOVE VANILLA ICE?' Remember that I have pictures. Anyway, I really don't feel like joking right now. I have a midterm!"
As it was, Yukiko already knew what she looked like. She saw her face this morning. It was not a cute and preppy good morning face. Nope. That was not cuteness.
"Yuki-chan! What's wrong? You have been so spacey lately." Aya face suddenly looked serious.
"Nandemonai!(It's nothing!) Don't worry about it!" She looked down at her wrist watch and gasped. "Aya. I have to go to class! Don't worry about me. I'm just tired, that's all. . . . Weird dreams. . . . "
"Hehe. Weird dreams, eh?" She grinned wickedly.
"Aya. . . ."
"Hai?"
"You're ecchi!! I gotta run. Ja ne!"
"Ja ne!"
The weirdest dreams. . . .
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It was hard to face the past, but it was time for it. Kenshin sat, his back against the wall and his sword in hand, as if waiting for an attack even while in repose.
She was gone. It was all over now. He felt a wrenching pain in his heart whenever he thought of her. She was his friend. She had touched something in him that no one else had in a long time. She took him in even though she knew his past.
He loved her.
Closing his eyes again, he saw her face, smiling. Her lips moving to say his name in the way that only she could.
"Kenshin. . . ."
"Yahiko? What is it?" he asked, opening his eyes at his voice. Yahiko had grown taller, he noticed. So much time had passed since their small family first got together, a year?
"Megumi is done with the preparations for. . . .," Yahiko struggled with the words. They stuck in his dry throat. Kaoru was his teacher. They fought and laughed like brother and sister. But he knew that he had to be strong. He just wished Kenshin would do something more than sit and stare into space. Maybe Kenshin, too, felt that crying was for later, when he was alone with his memories.
"Hai. Ikude gozaruyo. (Yes, let's go.)" Kenshin got up slowly. May be if I go really slow, I will wake up from this nightmare or control it or something. . . . This cannot be real. None of this is real! Kaoru can't be . . . .
**********
Moonlight becomes her, Kenshin thought suddenly as he looked over at Kaoru as she moved towards him in quick precise steps, the heels of her sandals clicking impatiently. Nothing seemed to ever flounder her when she was in this kind of mood.
Telling the story of his past had been hard. These people were his family and he never wanted them to know the Battousai in him, not like them. He didn't want them exposed to the raw, ugly past. Especially not Kaoru. He never wanted her to know the whole ugly truth about himself.
She suddenly turned to face him fully. "Kenshin. Are you going to be okay?" she asked, slowly walking towards him. She looked so young and fresh, even after hearing the whole bloody tale of his youth. She seemed so strong, taking everything in without judging, as she always did.
"Yeah." He closed his eyes, as if trying to block her from his sight. She reached him and lifted her hand to touch his cheek, his scars softly.
"Kenshin, everything that happened . . . . You were strong, Kenshin. You tried and did all you could. Try to let it go. . . . None of us care about the past."
He could feel her near him, her breath against his cheek. She was so alive and real and good. He grabbed her hand and held it for a second. It felt warm. Her palms were callused from wielding her bokken since childhood, not the soft hands of a lady, but the toughened hands of a warrior.
"Kaoru, I. . . ."
She suddenly pressed her lips against his, kissing him softly. It was only for a second, their breath mingling for that bit of time. She slowly pulled back from him, staring up at him in the soft glow of the moon.
"Love is a wonderful thing, Kenshin. It is the greatest power in the world. Everyone here. . . , we all love you. Remember that."
Kaoru turned and walked back into the dojo. Kenshin stared after her retreating form, his lips still warm from hers.
"Kaoru . . . ."
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Kenshin had spent the first ten years of the Meiji looking to atone for his sins. He looked for solace in helping others. When he met Kaoru, he felt something that he had not felt for anyone since Tomoe had broken through to his soul. In Kaoru's eyes, he saw hope and joy with life.
Kaoru had been running the Kamiya Dojo since her father's death. A young girl, all on her own. She had to be strong and smart to pull such a feat off when the world was changing so radically around her. But she held on to her family's dojo and school with such a fierceness.
Kaoru was not Tomoe. She was different, more self-assured and strong. Kenshin stayed because he was intrigued with her at first. Then, with Sano, Megumi and Yahiko, they all became a family. Kenshin always thought that that was what Kaoru had really wanted in the beginning when she had asked him to stay. She wanted someone to help chase away the loneliness.
She was funny and sweet and couldn't cook rice without burning it. She did something to him inside him from the moment he first met her and she accused him of being the Battousai.
When he had left for Kyoto, he could not go without telling her. He loved them all, but he could not walk into the night without telling her that he was going, no matter how hard it was to say goodbye forever. As he walked into the night, he could hear the soft echoes of her stiffled sobs. It took all his will to not turn around and go to her, to tell her he loved her, but he had to do this for the good of the country.
He walked away, thinking it would be the last time he would be able to see her. Her face, her voice became a talisman to him during his journey. When he found out that she and Yahiko had followed him up, he was torn between the joy he felt being able to see her, seeing them again and anger at them for putting themselves in such danger.
When the fight was over, all he wanted to do was live with all of them in peace. But, as usual, life had a way of turning on you. The past had a habit of coming back to haunt him.
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