I watch him, wanting him. Needing him... But I'll never have him. He is not mine- will never be mine. He has someone else, a lady for whom he would sacrifice all for. She is deserving of that love, for she is also strong, and would do the same for him.
Does he know? Know what I feel for him? Perhaps- After all, he does not miss much. He can't; he has far too much experience for that. That is one of the reasons why I want him so. He knows so much, has felt so much. Done deeds, and seen things that would make any other break, shatter.
He could have shattered, after he realized. But instead, what he did was make something beautiful, something worthy come out of the ashes. Created a new life, a new identity. No more death, only a reaffirmation of life. He lived to help others, to atone... until he met her. Then, he lived for her, and for her safety.
I want him to feel that for me. Not that I want the protection- I don't need it or want it. But to feel that love, that sense that he would do so much for me... that is what I want. A forbidden, secret thing, this emotion. No one would suspect me of having such a wish, of wanting someone so.
Does he know, of how much his touch, his words meant to me? To him, he was doing his duty to the people- stopping me from going with Katsu, my revenge-driven friend, stopping our dangerously mad plan to blow up the government. He had to stop me, because I attacked him first. Attacked, knowing that he would be able to stop me...
After all, I am not stupid- though I suppose some may disagree. I know exactly how much more experience, more power he has than me. That is one of the reasons why I respected him so, in the beginning. The first to dispatch of my attack so easily. A few blows from him, and I was helpless...
That was when I truly started to feel something I had felt for only one other, before. Akin to worship, it was- my feeling of respect for him. I wanted him to be the hero that I knew he was, that I had wanted to follow, since I had lost my first. Sagura-taichou. Killed by betrayal- I didn't want that to happen to Kenshin.
As I stayed with him, saw him fight for others, my respect grew. Here was one whom I could entrust my hopes on... he was the best, and his goal was helping the people- something that had been my other hero's aim as well. I got to be part of a group again, a group dedicated to helping others. I hadn't been part of something like that in so long- not since my days at the Sekiho-tai.
The others were also people whom I could respect, understand. Kaoru, with her fierce determination, and unflagging energy. She works hard to maintain her birthright and her training. Her principles and her fighting skills are not anything to laugh at. And Yahiko, that little devil.
He is just like Kaoru, though both would be vehement about denying any such connection. He works hard to be able to fight for himself, and for others. He is growing up to be a good person... Suzume and Ayame- two happy, innocent children, who remind me of what Kenshin is fighting for.
And... Megumi. The woman with the dark past, one who had unwittingly killed one of my friends. I don't know what I feel about her. It was hate, at first. I know that well enough. But as I saw her courage, her determination to be like Kenshin, to make amends, that hate was already gone- something else was left. Something...
But still, what I feel for her is new. Far newer than this obsession I have with him. I don't know why. His strength, his kindness. All of it, in one idealistic person. I know how much it had hurt him to have to fight me. During that whole fight, he tried to avoid really hurting me... even with only the Sakabatou, he can do a lot of damage.
Through all that I tried to win- it didn't matter who he was. It was the only way I could show my loyalty to my old ways, to Sagura-taichou. To try, and fail was better than to not try at all... so I tried. All of my strength was put into charge after charge. Buying time, so Katsu could put his plan into action. I managed to keep him busy, for a little bit- that is, until that last charge. That is when he pulled out the sword.
After his hit, I collapsed against him. Holding me, he whispered, "Sano, I'm sorry." That's all he said, all he needed to say. He knew what that charge, that fight had meant to me- it had been a way to show that I still believed in Sagura-taichou, in the Sekihou-tai. He had stopped me, but against my will. I was still loyal.
Throughout the whole fight, I had had a feeling that I was two people in one body. One was the person who needed to prove himself; who had wanted to fight, to beat him. The other was one who couldn't help but watch him move and fight, see his grace in flight. Through all my mad rushes, I looked straight into his face, into his sad, deep eyes. Eyes so much like Sagura-taichou's, but also, so his own.
Those eyes held my attention, when he felled me at last. His embrace was strong, and his voice soft. I was in pain, but that, I was used to. His touch- his concern, his care... those things were new, and hard to even think about. That, I could only feel and want.
His touch... I had imagined what it would feel like, to have those strong arms around mine. To have his lips so close, for him to whisper to me. How ironic that my dream would be fufilled in such a manner... Not in a way of love, but in a way of war. But still, that memory lingers; that is the closest we will ever be- I know that.
Now I watch him, as he does the laundry, plays with the children. He is not mine... I know that. My imagination wants me to see something more in his eyes, every time I imagine that night. I want to be able to remember him showing something more for me than friendship...
I try, and almost succeed. I can see it- a spark of something more than what he truly feels can be seen in my mind, as I imagine... But that is before Kaoru comes in to the scene in front of me. He looks up at her, and smiles. In that smile rises an expression of something so beyond what had been there before, that I cannot help but desist. Even in my mind, I know who he loves, wants.
Behind her comes Megumi. She has dropped in, and is now flirting with Kenshin. She drags him into the kitchen, leaving a furious Kaoru at her wake. Somehow, her flirting has irritated me, too... I follow Kaoru and can't help but smile as the two spar verbally, with a flustered Kenshin in the middle.
I can't give him up that easily- can't just drop my feelings, all my wanting, from my heart like some discarded scrap. I won't. Still, I can see a battle which I cannot win. As I look at the three, I notice him, of course. But I also notice her. I can't help but to notice how satisfied and crafty she looks, as she teases Kaoru about her cooking.
Crafty and beautiful. She is stronger than she realizes or knows. But I can see it all. All of her flaws, all of her strengths... I suddenly find myself watching her. A lost battle, or a new engagement? A new start feels more interesting to me, and to my heart. With a half-smile on my face, I step in between the two.
As I lead an arguing Megumi off to the direction of the kitchen- for after all, she is a much better cook than Kaoru- I feel his gaze behind me. I look back, and give him a salute. He nods to me, a look of relief in his eyes. Then I go back to arguing with Megumi, leaving a rather puzzled Kaoru behind.
---Finis---