"Kenshin! Where are you going?" I hear her voice, and what can I say? I don't want her with me- not today. "Ah! Kaoru-dono! I'm just going for a walk because it's such a nice day. Do you need me for anything? If you do, then I'll-" She looks at me, with understanding.
"Oh no, it's all right Kenshin. You deserve a break after all the work you do around here." She smiles at me, and my heart breaks a little. She doesn't realize that this is the first time that I've lied to her...
"Thank you, Kaoru-dono. I'll be back in a short while." And I walk away, to think my melancholy thoughts in peace. I look around- it is spring, and the river is crystal clear. The trees rustle in the soft breeze, and I sit, staring at the water. Thinking...
I hear footsteps behind me. "Hello, Sano. What are you doing here?" That is all I say.
He replies, in a diffident tone, "Well, I saw you staring at the river, and I was wondering what you were doing here. Actually, Kaoru was kinda worried 'bout you, 'cause it's not like you to just go and take a walk- I think she was worried that you would just wander off..."
I smile, and answer, "No... no, I wouldn't walk off, not just like that. At least, not now."
Sano sits down beside me, and waits. He has never been too patient, and so he breaks the silence. "So Kenshin... what's wrong with you? I've never seen you like this before- you seem kinda depressed."
I grab a fistfull of grass, tossing it into the air. I watch it float away, into the river, and answer with a question. "Sano, who am I?"
He looks at me, understandably startled by the question. "You are Rurouni Kenshin... a guy with an upside down sword, who helps out those in need. You're kinda silly, and usually let yourself be taken advantage of by Kaoru, who gets you to do all of the laundry more often than not. Ah... you cook better than Kaoru, and you're a better baby-sitter. You're a pretty good guy... "
"No... that's not all I am, and you know it. You've seen me when I am pushed off the edge. I am Battou-sai, a killer, an assassin with the blood of hundreds of men on my soul. Which one am I? The silly Ruruoni, or Battou-sai..." I gaze at the scenery around me, seeing for a moment those battle scenes, never far from my mind. Death, blood. A deadly sword performing its graceful dance of death, and I am there too, guiding, revelling in the bloodshed, all in the right cause for a new government...
I realize as Sano looks at me with alarm, that I have said all of this aloud. "Well, who am I, Sano? As much as I try to be the silly, nice Rurouni, I know in the back of my mind that Battou-sai is there. He is always there, waiting for something to come along that I can't handle... then he takes over, and one day, he will take control forever. What then?"
I show Sano my hands. "They seem clean, don't they? They do the laundry, take care of children, do all the domestic, ordinary things that mean ordinary life. And yet these hands have also fought, held a sword, killed. I have the deaths of hundreds of men on these hands, for a country, for a government which is as corrupt as the one we rebelled against. What did I do, but just kill a lot of people?"
Another tuft of grass into the wind. "I have tried to atone for all of it... turning my sword so that I wouldn't kill automatically. Trying to help life, not death. Trying to fight all the wrongdoing, and living a life that allows me, in some small way, to do penance for all of it. But... at the end, I just have to close my eyes, and Battou-sai is there, mocking my attempts. He knows that one day Rurouni won't be enough- I will call to him, and he will come..."
"That is why, you know. Why I am nothing more than a protector to Kaoru-dono. She is an innocent... her hands have never touched a sword, other than to protect. How could I defile her, with myself? I am tainted with the souls of all those I have killed, each one a blow against her principles. I could wish for something more between us, but it cannot be. Instead, I'll always be there for her... that's all."
"Sano!" He looks up at me, with something akin to fear in his eyes. I have been the replacement of Sagura-taichou in his heart, someone higher to lean on. I have destroyed another dream, with my need to unburden my own soul. "Don't worry about it, Sano. You know I'm not going anywhere... I can't. She's caught me. Tell her... tell Kaoru-dono that I was just looking at the water, thinking..."
I stand, and walk back slowly to the dojo, absorbed my my thoughts. Sano is by the river, still sitting. I think that he has had his image of me shatter- he sees that I am truly human... not just a jester/fighter who stands up for a higher ideal. I wish I was the way people saw me, without so many regrets...
Kaoru is there, doing the laundry. She is breathing heavily, as if she had been doing something strenuous. "Kaoru-dono? Are you all right?" She looks at me, and smiles. "Don't worry about it, Kenshin. I was just chasing that brat Yahiko around. How dare he call me-" She interrupts herself, and goes back to the laundry, taking out her anger on the clothes. I actually fear for them.
"Ah... Kaoru-dono. I'll do them. Why don't you go and give Yahiko his lesson?" She smiles another one of those smiles that could stop my heart, and nods almost vengefully. "That's a good idea..." was all she says, as she stalks back into the dojo.
I watch her as she goes in, my heart regretting all those times that I hadn't done something. Those times I had used Megumi-san as a shield, accepting those playful advances with humor. She and I both know that Sano was who she was really after, but it was enough that Kaoru was distracted by her, so that nothing truly serious could happen between us.
But I force the regret back. I had meant what I had said to Sano by the riverside. I was tainted, and for all of my wishes, all of my penance, I was still dirty, steeped in death and slaughter. No amount of wishes could wash it off of me, and I wasn't going to let her near me when I was like this- when Battou-sai could emerge again.
I go into my room, unusually tired by the day. It must have been because of that fit of melancholy that I had let myself indulge in... Yahiko isn't here... why? Then I hear the door slide, and close. I turn around, about to congratualte Yahiko on his mastery of stealth, when I realize that it is Kaoru.
Kaoru is sitting at the edge of the room, looking at me with a strange expression on her face. Surprised, all I could say was, "Kaoru-dono! What are you doing here-" She interrupts with a fist to my head. "Oroo~" was all I could manage, as I got a good look at her furious face.
She starts to pace around the room, speaking in a furious tone. "Kenshin, you idiot! What's wrong with you? If I want to be protected, I'll tell you! Why do you have to be so thick-" I interrupt her with a puzzled, "Ah, Kaoru-dono... what exactly have I done?"
"What have you done? Only insulted my intelligence, and-" She looks at me, and then sighs. She sits down so that we are face to face, and says with a gentler tone, "Kenshin, I was there listening to you and Sano. I was just wondering what you two were going to say, and so I snuck in behind him. I was surprised that you didn't notice me, but I suppose you had a lot on your mind..."
Kaoru looks at me, with an expression that I had never seen on her face. It is sadness, terrible sadness... why? Why is she looking at me like that? "Kenshin... I'm ashamed. I never realized how much of what you did was just a mask, to this dirtiness that you seem to feel. I don't understand it..."
She grasps my hand, and makes me look into her luminous gaze. "Kenshin. I want you to look at me. Believe me when I say that you are not tainted. I know that you were Battou-sai then, but you have changed. You are trying to become more than a killer, and you have succeeded."
I try to move away, uncomfortable at the raw emotion on both our faces. She is stronger than I had thought... "I know that you think so, Kaoru-dono. But that isn't true, and you know it. Kenshin is merely a mask for Battou-sai, and the killer can come through at any moment. You have seen me fight, and you have seen me almost lose the the death-dealer within myself- when I was fighting the other Hitokiri... I almost lost myself that day."
"But you didn't, Kenshin. You didn't, and that's the most important part." I look at her face, illuminated by the candlelight. She had a glow around her... I try to move away. "Kaoru-dono, I-" She doesn't let me go. "Not Kaoru-dono. Kaoru." she whispers. I look at her, shocked by the implied intimacy in that last statement. Then I speak again, this time even more softly. "Ka-Kaoru. I didn't lose myself that day because of you. But Rurouni is made so that one day, when you aren't there, I will probably become the Hitokiri again. And when I do... I don't think that I can stay..."
She has let go of my hand. I accept that- but then I feel her hands hot upon my face. She forces me to look up at her face, at the tears threatening to spill from her glorious eyes. "Kenshin, no... no. You won't go. I won't let you. You said that Rurouni, that the Wanderer couldn't stay if you became your darker self again. Fine..."
I look at her, surprised. Had she accepted that fact? "But, are you Rurouni anymore? I heard you ask Sano who you were. Sano answered well enough, but he defined Rurouni, the silly wanderer. You defined the other side to Ruruoni, the killer. I will define you as someone else."
Then she starts to take off her kimono. I yelp, and try to stop her by holding onto her hands. She doesn't resist, and all I see are her beautiful bare shoulders. "Kaoru! What do you think you are doing?" She looks at me, and her tears do start to spill. "What can I give you, that will make you stay, if not myself? Is it me, that you don't want? I know I'm not much... I'm always angry, and I can't cook, and-"
This I wouldn't allow. I hold her to me, and I softly murmer, "No, Kaoru. Don't say such a thing. You are beautiful, wonderful, full of spirit. It's me that doesn't deserve you. I meant what I said to Sano. I don't want to dirty your pure soul with my own-" She interrupts me with a fierce whisper. "You don't want to dirty my pure... you idiot! What if I want you to? What if I think that your soul is purer, and more beautiful?"
I look at her in shock as she continues. "I think that you have the pure warrior spirit that has gone through troubles and torments. You managed to drag yourself out of the killing, even after your side won. You could have easily stayed addicted to death, and power like the Meiji officials are like now. But instead, you rebelled against it. You remade yourself, so that you could try to cleanse yourself of the deaths, by helping others."
"What you don't realize is that your attempts to help have cleansed your soul. You will always feel guilt. You wouldn't be you, if you didn't. But that doesn't mean that you are dirtied forever. The guilt you feel, you should feel forever. But don't be afraid that you are the killer that you were before."
She smiles at me, with gentleness in her eyes. "No, you are not that killer that you were before, and you are not that wanderer, either. You are now something more, because you have something to protect... and that is what my Budo is about- fighting to protect something. And you are living up to my principles when you act this way.
I am speechless, and at the same time, I realize the truth of some of what she has said. Perhaps she is right... but. "But I don't deserve you. Kaoru... you are too beautiful, to fiery for me. I may not be that killer anymore, but I am still not rid of him. That means that I can't-"
She stops me with a kiss. Soft and sweet, full of promises. "Kenshin. I know that Rurouni is Battou-sai's other half, that the two will never be able to be parted. I understand, and accept that. But... you are not either one. Not anymore. You are now Himura Kenshin, a wanderer who has grown roots here, at my dojo. You are now the man whom I am hoping will court me, and perhaps marry me. You are the man whom I hope will raise Yahiko to be a strong man of principles, along with me, and perhaps raise our children to be that way, as well."
I am shocked, looking at this beautiful woman who has so much faith in me, and the future. Who am I, to argue with such wisdom. She has spoken the secret wishes of my heart. I look at her. She is disheveled, her hair loose, her kimono half undone, with tear tracks down her face but still, so beautiful. I wipe off the tears, and then put her kimono on her all the way for her, covering those lovely shoulders. She looks at me, not comprehending.
"I want us to be married before you do anything like this, Kaoru." I smile at her, and in my eyes are a promise. "We should do it quickly, I think." is all she says, as she smiles back, the light in her eyes matching mine. Another kiss is exchanged, and then she leaves. We have said all that we have needed to say with that. Himura Kenshin... I like that.
---Finis---
Monica/Akira-chan- kinda OOC and sappy, but ^_^