I opened my eyes, and watched the cool sunlight slip thru my blue shades. The escaped beams played upon my blank white wall. I feel like that...I am a blank person, and I merely reflect other people.

I have struggled to retain my own identity for as long as I can remember. I strive to be an individual, but almost always my ideas are not my own, or are sparked by someone else. Can I not come up with anything on my own? Am I that boring and unimaginative? And look, I am asking you to tell me...reflecting other people again. Damn it.

Everywhere I look, I see people who are their own person, but at the same time, trying to be someone they are not. I wonder if everyone tries to conform; is there no one who is only themself, and only for themself? I have started to believe that there is no one like that.

My frustrations about myself are building to an extent that I am distracted constantly, and often are irrationally angry towards people who I feel are trying to make me conform. I wonder how to deal with my feelings, if it is possible. I have been to pyschiatrists- they are no help whatsoever.

So I am left alone to deal with myself, something I have been trying to do for five years. Sometimes I feel I have made great progress, then I realize that in other places I am regressing- will I never be who I want to be? I suppose so.

I am only 18. I have most of my life ahead of me. I do not live in Bosnia, or Afghanistan, I am not a victim of war, or terrorism. Why am I so unhappy, why does my own intellect torture me? I have no understanding, yet the more I learn, the more knowledge I possess, the less I understand. All I feel I have left is my insatiable curiousity, but even that is dulling as I melt away.