lonely

                Loneliness: When Sakura Feels All Alone
    "Sakura-chan." A warm light. Feather? "Mother...?" Sakura softly said. She didn't trust her eyes. Too often this had turned out to be a dream. Dreams were useless. They only left her with an aching heart. But... "Sakura-chan..." "Mother." Sakura said. She felt tears running down her cheeks. "Mother!"
     She woke up. "No...." Sakura said, clutching her blanket tightly. "Not again.... mother..." She burried her face on her pillow. "Mother!" Heart breaking sobs woke Kero up. "Sakura..." He said, worried. She displayed such a behavior often one of these days. "Oi, Sakura." "For, forgive me, Kero-chan..." Sakrua said, tears flowing down and wetting Kero's wings. Kero changed into Cerberus and gently licked Sakura's face. "I am saddened that my mistress is unhappy," He quietly said. 'Kero-chan...." She burried her face in his thick furs and cried her heart out.
     "'Morning..." Sakura quietly said, settling down to her seat. "What happened Sakura!" Shaoran asked, lifting her out of her seat and turning her around so that their eyes met. "Nothing," Sakura said, smiling awkwardly. Realizing how close their face were, Shaoran put her down, embarassed. "Tell me if anything comes up," Shaoran said, worried. He decided not to question her furuther. "Sure." Liar. She wouldn't tell him; she'd just make him worry. "Sakura-chan..." Tomoyo looked worried.
     Sakura absent-mindly packed her bag. She suddenly felt a warm hand on top of hers. "Hoe...." She turned her gaze to the owner of the hand. Shaoran quietly said, "I'll walk you home." Sakura smiled and nodded.
    "I'm going to get mad if something's wrong and you don't tell me," Shaoran said, watching her from the corner of his eyes. Sakura just smiled. They watched a child playing with his mother. "How cute," Sakura happily said. "He must be very happy playing with his mother." They suddenly stopped. "Strange aura...." Shaoran said, startled. "Feels familiar..." He turned to Sakura. "Sakura?" Her face was white. "This is...the aura of..." Before she had a chance to finish her sentence, a huge burst of fire attacked them. "What the....?!" Shaoran asked, jumping up to the air with Sakura in his arms. "Key that contains the powr of the stars within! Show thy true powr and through thyself, give this one the magic that dwellth in this card!" Sakura cried, as they landed. She lifted her key. "Watery!" The attack went though the fire ball, which was now rolling towards them. "Water Dragon, I cause to create!" Shaoran shouted, releasing his water dragon. It directly hit the fire ball. With lots of hissing steam, the fire ball disappeared.
     "You okay?" Shaoran asked, turning to Sakura. "My magic..." Sakura said, looking startled. She turned to Shaoran. "It didn't work again! Do you think...?!" Shaoran hesitated. "But it was my cards! What more can I do for it?!" "Well, my magic worked," Shaoran thoughtfully said. "So..." "But I can't stay with Shaoran-kun all the time!" Shaoran disagreed with that, but... "And I don't want to be a burden to Shaoran-kun!" Tears started to flow down her cheeks. "Why am I always so weak...?!" Shaoran looked startled. "What are you talking about! You're the strongest magician alive!" He scolded. "If you keep talking like that, I"m going to be really angry!" "Sorry..." Sakura said, looking down.   Shaoran held her face in his hands. "And your invincible spell." Sakura smiled. They recited, "Zettai daijoubu dayo!"
     Sakura was walking home with Shaoran. "Argh, Oniichan's gonna be mad," Sakura said, glancing at her watch. "Maybe if he doesn't see me, he'll just think you were late because of... I don't know, cheerleader's practice or something." Shaoran said. Sakura smiled. "He knows I don't have anything this afternoon." She suddenly froze. "Huh? What is it?" She turned around. A floating, angel-like figure? "Okaasan..." Sakura said. Tears fell. "Is that... is that really..." "But Sakura!" Shaoran cried. "I sense an aura from that figure! It's an image made by magic!" Sakura stepped forward. "Okaasan..." "Sakura!" Shaoran sharply said. "Snap out of it! That's not your mother!" "Okaasan!" Sakura sceramed, running to the figure. "Stop it!" Shaoran suddenly screamed, hugging Sakura. "Sakura, stop it. Just stop it. That isn't your mother." The image faded out. "Okaasan? Okaasan!'" Sakura screamed. She buried her head in his shoulder and started to cry. "Sakura...."
      "How do you feel?" Tomoyo asked, feeling Sakura's forehead. "I'm all right," Sakura said with a forced smile. "No you're not! You've slept for over 14 hours!" Kero yelled. He flew out of the room in a fury. Shaoran stood at a corner, his arms crossed and looking gravely serious. "Sakura, you were about to tell me whose aura it was that you felt before the fire attacked us. Whose was it?" Sakura looked startled, then frowned. "It was someone I knew very well..." She shook her head. "I knew it! But I can't remember now." She hung her head. Tears dropped from her eyes. "Forgive me." Without words, Tomoyo gave Sakura a hug. "What's paining you, dear Sakrua-chan?" Sakura looked startled. "Please tell us about it."
     Ever since Sakura was little, she was always all alone. While she watched other children begging their mother for a toy, she bought groceries for herself and her family. While she watched other children playing with their mother, she cleaned the house. Ate alone. Studied. She studied hard. She tried her best at everything. She didn't need a mother. She had father. She had oniichan. She had Kero-chan. It was okay. It was all right. She was... she wasn't....
     Sakura shook her head. "Nothing's wrong, really," She brightly said. Liar. Liar. Liar. She forced another fake smile. "I fell kind of tired. Would you mind if I sleep?" "Of course not," Shaoran said. "Sleep well," Tomoyo said, closing the door gently behind her. Sakura lay back down. How would you two understand? You had mother. You wouldn't know how it felt. Why can't she tell them? Tomoyo-chan. Li-kun. Coward. Sakura, you're a coward. "But..." Sakura started to cry again.
     Shaoran and Tomoyo exchanged worried glances. Kero, who was stuffing himself with cakes in the living room, nonchantly looked up. He was alarmed by looks in their faces. "Wuz wrong?!" He asked, swallowing his mouthful of cakes. "It's just... Sakura seems to be on a verge of nervous breakdown or something," Shaoran said. "She just keeps crying." "That's true," Kero said, looking worried.
      Sakura looked outside. Bright, sunny day. Children playing with their mother. Mother. She didn't have one. Why? Why did mother die so soon? Did she hate her? Did she wanted her to be left alone?
      Shaoran and Kero froze. "This aura....!" Before Kero could finish his sentence, huge burst of wind ran through the house. "It's coming from Sakura's room!' Shaoran cried, running up to her room. Tomoyo and Kero followed. The wind was so strong in front of Sakura's room that they couldn't reach the door. "Damn!' Kero cried, changing into Cerberus. "Wuz up with this damn.." "Stop it!" Shaoran sharply stopped him from thrwoing a fireball into the door. "Sakura's house will be wracked," Tomoyo said, looking around with a worried glance. "Wind! I command to come forth!' Shaoran said, throwing a sticker into the air and stabbing it with his sword. A burst of wind pushed the opposing stream of air aside. Shaoran ran into the room. "Sakura!"
     Sakura looked up. Her teary eyes looked strangely blank. "What's wrong? Wake up!" He screamed, shaking her. "Shao..." She collapsed into his arms. Shaoran looked around. Nothing seemed out of ordinary except her window, which was wide open. "Who is it?" He asked through clenched teeth. Whoever it is, if they hurt Sakura, I"ll never forgive them!"
     Kero sat on Sakura's desk, worried frown on his face. "Aren't you sleeping?" Sakura asked him. Kero impatiently said, "That aura! It bothers me!" "Why?" Sakura asked, climbing on to her bed. "It feels... so familiar! And it makes me feel comfortable!" "Hoe?" Sakura looked confused. "It doesn't feel threatening at all!" Kero said, pacing back and forth. "Who can it be..."
     "Sakura-chan." Sakura closed her eyes tightly. No, please.... "Sakura-chan." It can't be. It hurted so much. Please, don't. "Sakura-chan." But she had no other choice, did she? "Okaasan." Sakura said, tears falling rapidly from her eyes. "Why are you keep visiting me? You're hurting me, Okaasan. I want to see you so much. I want to feel you, to be assured that you're real. But whenever I reach out to you, you're gone. You hurt me." Nadeshiko looked sad. "Sakura-chan." "You're hurting me!"
    Sakura leaped up from her bed, gasping. "I'm so sorry... Okaasan..." Tears. Was she crying in her sleep? "Sakura." Cerberus placed his head on her lap. "Kero-chan. When did you..." "You were crying and mumbling in your sleep agian." Cerberus said. "Kero-chan, were you...." "Yes, I was watching over you." Cerberus said. His eyes were full of concern. "Sakura." He hesitated. His shook his head. "You'll have to figure it out yourself." Somehow Sakura knew what he was talking about. But she didn't want to realize it. It was too painful. She couldn't face it.
     Sakura was walking back from school with Shaoran. "Nothing happened after that, right?" Shaoran asked. Sakura nodded. "Who can it be?" Shaoran wondered. "I can only feel that yellow stuffed animal's aura and yours." "I can feel it, so it's not someone "stronger than us"." Sakura thoughtfully said. "But not being able to use Sakura Cards.." Shaoran frowned. "Mommy!" A child was crying, walking through the street. "A lost child," Sakura said, turning around to look at her. "Mommy! Where are you?" Sakura approached the child, but she had already found her mother. "Miyako! I told you not to wander off!" "Sorry, mommy," The child replied.
     Sakura was walking, too. She had been searching for her mother, too. She had fallen asleep on the playground's bench. Her brother, who was ten years old at that time, had came to bring her back home. "Mommy's not here," Sakura had told him, crying. "Sakura..." Touya had said, his eyes full of pain. "Mommy's gone. You won't see her for a long time." "Why?!" Sakura had asked. He hugged her. Warm liquid wetted her small shoulders. "She had been sick for a long time. Now she's out of her suffer and she went to a very beautiful place up in the sky." "Why didn't mommy take Sakura with her?" Sakura had asked. "Oh, Sakura...." Touya just kept crying. He finally had told her, "You'll see her someday. I promise. I promise, Sakura. " "Okay..." Sakura had told him. To stop him from crying. Anything to erase that painful expression on his face. Miyako found her mother. Sakura didn't. Why?
     Shaoran's expression changed. This aura! He knew now! "Sakura!" He screamed, as he pushed her out of the way. "KYAAA!!!" He screamed as a ray of lightening struck him. His eyes blinded temporarily, it was all he could do to whip out a sticker and summon thunder. It missed the blue lightening by miles. "Who is it?! What is it you want?!" Sakrau screamed, releasing her wand. "If you hurt Shaoran-kun, I'll never forgive you!" The thudner attack came again. "Thudner!" Sakrua cried, throwing her thunder attack to the blue light. Her attack went through the light. "Sakura-- get out of the way!" Shaoran screamed. The thunder went through him. "?!!!" He fell on her arms, blood running through corners of his mouth and blood from his chest soaking Sakura and himself in warm, red liquid. "Shaoran? Shaoran?!!!" "I'm all right," Shaoran weakly said. "No you're not!" Sakura said, starting to cry again. "Sakura. Stop crying. It's time you face it." Sakura stared at him, her eyes full of tears. "Stop pretending."
     Sakura was a good child. Sakura didn't cry. Sakura did everything by herself. Sakura never made her oniichan or otoosan sad.
     "If you're lonely.. if you're lonely, tell me! Tell me and let me break that loneliness!" Sakura stared at him. "Lonely...?"
     Sakura was okay. Even if she was all alone. Because Sakura was a kind child. Right? Right? Isn't Sakura a good child?
    "It was all a lie.." Sakura said, burying her face on his blood-soaked chest. "Shaoran-kun, I was lonely! I was so lonely! Everytime I saw a child with its mother, I was jealous! It hurted me that I didn't have a mother!" Her small body trembled. "Shaoran-kun... I"m lonely..." Without words, Shaoran held her tightly. "I'm so sorry...!" Sakura cried. "I was the one who created those mischiefs....I was the one who created those images of my mother... I wanted attention... I didn't want to see other children being happy with their mother!" A mask. It was all a mask. Shaoran will hate Sakura, won't he? Sakura was lying. Sakura was just putting on an act. "If something hurts you," Shaoran said, weakly smiling. "Just tell me." Sakura looked at him. "If you're lonely, just come running up to me. I'll hold you." "Shaoran..." Sakura suddenly felt someone leaning over her. "Okaasan..." "Sakura-chan." Nadeshiko said, gently smiling. "I'm always watching over you too. So please don't cry..."   "Okay..." Nadeshiko wiped Sakura's tears away. "You had me so worried this time," Nadeshiko said, smiling. She kneeled next to Shaoran. "Thank you for taking care of my daughter," She said, her feathers touching his cheeks. "Sure...." Shaoran replied, forcing a smile. Shaoran looked pale. "Ara... and it was all because you were being reckless, Sakura-chan," Nadeshiko gently chided, placing her hand over Shaoran's chest. The wound closed up, and Shaoran's cheeks turned pink again. "I leave Sakura-chan up to you." "Huh..?" Shaoran looked up at her, blushing. Nadeshiko smiled. "I should be going back now..." She faded away.
    An awkward silence settled. "That was splendid, wasn't it." A voice broke in. Sakura and Shaoran turned around. Tomoyo stood there, camera in her hand. "T, Tomoyo-chan..." Sakura said, sweat-dropping. "And how long were you standing there?" Shaoran asked, also sweat-dropping. "Oh, since the thunder attacked." Tomoyo shut off the video recorder and came up to Sakura. "Please remember that I"m here too, Sakura-chan." Tomoyo smiled. "After all, neither Shaoran-kun nor I have father." Sakura looked up. "Tomoyo-chan...." Tomoyo kneeled down and hugged Sakura. "Gomenasai..." Tomoyo stood up. "Then shall we go and get some ice cream?" "I'll have to change my shirt first," Shaoran said, looking down on his blood-soaked shirt. "Oh! I"ve got my blood on your shirt too! I'm sorry!" Shaoran cried, noticing Sakura's white shirt drenched with blood. "It was my fault to start with," Sakura said, smiling brightly for the first time. "Then I have a first custom for you two!" Tomoyo suddenly cut in. "Hoe..?!" Sakura and Shaoran managed to develop another sweat bead. "Let's go then!" Laughing, they walked off, Sakura holding Shaoran and Tomoyo's hand on either side. A bird flew across the sky, singing happily. The sky was purest of blue, the air felt refreshing and cool... and Sakura learned that she was not all alone after all.

<The End>

Written by Wing Zero on September of 2001. CLAMP, even if you decide to sue me, I"m completely broke, so please don't! ^_^ I"m just a fan!