Life, the Universe, and Evangelions

by Michael Ahlf

Arthur Dent was bored... really bored.

After all, nothing can compare to seeing one's home planet get vaporized, then reappear a few minutes later, 42 times. After that, it's all pretty much downhill.

The Hitchhiker's Guide has a few things to say on the number 42. The gist of this is, that 42 is the great answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything. Now if only we knew what the Question was?

Ford Prefect, sitting beside Arthur on the bridge of the spaceship Heart of Gold, orbiting Earth, tilted his head to whichever screen he was looking at. It didn't matter much which screen it was -- they all showed the exact same thing, the word "Processing" in big bold letters. Underneath that word, in small print, it said, "your tea will be ready in 42 seconds...41...40..."

Ford yawned. Then he looked at the big viewscreen. Where there had been a perfectly peaceful, rotating organic computer called Earth, now there was a relatively un-peaceful, slightly flooded Earth with a big orange blob in orbit. Ford and Arthur still weren't amused until the blob turned itself, and looked at them.

. . .

The Guide has a few things to say on the subject of orange blobs. It states, "When meeting an Orange blob, one can decide to do one of the following things. Either run away, hope it doesn't notice you enough to want to eat you, or eat it. The third option only works when the blob turns out to be a large, quivering mass of jell-o. Otherwise, taking refuge in a sufficiently shielded location (preferaby, a military spaceship in another quadrant of the galaxy) or running like mad to said location is the best course of action."

. . .

Arthur looked at Ford. Ford looked back, and said, "You know, this time, it didn't come back quite right."

Arthur looked at his viewscreen. As he did so, a small tray popped out next to him, with a cup of some brownish substance that vaguely resembled tea. The screen cleared up, and he began to check the latest alterations in the universe's fabric.

"Ford, what are the chances that the 43rd time it came back Earth's polar ice caps would have melted, the entire human race would have descended from some being called "Lillith", half the human race would have been killed in whatever melted the ice caps, and they'd be using 14-year-olds to pilot giant robots to defend against space-borne enemies called "Angels"?" Ford Prefect tapped on his console, looked up, and said, "about 1 in 18944588600779."

"And considering we're in the Spaceship Heart of Gold, powered by the infinite improbability drive, and you forgot to turn on the reality shields again?"

Ford pondered again, tapped something else into the computer, and said, "pretty good, I think. So, you want to go down and look around?"

Arthur Dent just nodded, then replied,"Right. After they get rid of the orange blob, that is."

. . .

Later that day...

. . .

Rei and Asuka were changing, after stopping the latest Angel. Or, more specifically, Rei was changing. Asuka was kicking the hell out of her locker, mad that Shinji had been the one to single-handedly stop the Angel and that he'd gotten (in her mind) all the glory, once again.

Rei walked to the door, in her usual school uniform, and turned her head. She considered asking Asuka to stop killing the lockers, as Commander Ikari had been angry ("That's the third door this week! Can't they stop her from doing that?"), but reached the conclusion that it was better Asuka beat up on the door than her. She was still needed to pilot.

Shinji met Rei outside the locker room entrance, as usual, and smiled. Rei, also as usual, completely missed it and kept walking. Shinji ran up behind her, and with an unusual show of spine, called out, "Ayanami, wait up!"

Rei turned, and looked at him. Just a look, no emotion at all. In her usual quiet, flat voice, she stated, "I think, for both of us, it is better that Asuka does not see you here. She is somewhat upset."

Shinji and Rei heard a door slam open, and ran as Asuka charged out yelling, "Pervert!!!! Come back here and face it like a man, you COWARD!!!!!", as she raced after them.

. . .

Shinji and Rei rounded a corner, Shinji leaning against a wall and breathing heavily, Rei tilting slightly and breathing only slightly less heavily.

"So, what do we do now, Rei?"

Asuka's shouts could still be heard, getting louder.

"We keep running."

. . .

At that very moment, the UN picked up the Heart of Gold as it maneuvered its way down, under the reckless handling of one Ford Prefect, towards Tokyo-3 from high orbit. The top officials quickly ran through all the available options on the checklist.

"Weather Balloon."
"Nope."
"Mass Hysteria."
"Not unless entire continents get it."
"Hrmm, that's a little too Mass. Comet?"
"Too controlled a descent."
"Cloud?"
"Too golden in color."
"Angel?"
"Who cares... let NERV handle it. We don't know what it is, and we're down to one bomber squad anyways."

. . .

The alarms in Tokyo-3 went off. Again. Shinji and Rei looked at each other, Shinji shrugged, and then both took off at full throttle exactly the way they had just come.

Asuka saw them coming, waited, and ran alongside them as they passed, taking time to yell "PERVERT!" in Shinji's ear as he went by.

Rei winced.

. . .

Kensuke was waiting for Shinji as they reached the door to the lockers, and had camera in hand. Asuka batted it away, but Rei rescued it from breaking, knowing that he had no intention of filming Asuka changing (he'd already done that the previous week, leaving a camera behind and running while filming a "what goes on in NERV" documentary with Misato's approval). This time, he was ready to film whatever it was they were dealing with.

. . .

Arthur took time out from his retching to stare at Ford, begging him silently to start driving sanely. The computer bleeped a "Thank you for not puking on me anymore" at him before wheeling a service mechanoid in to clean the mess up. Ford looked at Arthur, and yelled, "I don't remember Earth's gravity being this strong... or was that Magrathea's? It's my first piloting job anyhow."

Arthur Dent resumed retching, much to the dismay of the computer.

. . .

The three Evas stood at alert, watching for this peculiar object. This time, it'd be harder to catch -- instead of coming straight down, it was moving in at a low angle which ensured that it could take at least a large stripe out of Tokyo-3 if it hit wrong.

Kensuke, with his camera, spotted it first and radioed in to Misato, "I have it. Coming in pretty shallow, a golden disc, from due north. If I didn't know better, I'd say someone was controlling it, keeping it on a course and maybe even land it. Be a pretty bad landing, but that's how it looks."

"Shinji, did you hear that? Asuka, Rei -- back him up."

Shinji: "Ready."
Rei: "Ready."
Asuka: "Why do I always have to back up that pervert? all right, I guess."

. . .

The three Evas stood watching as the spaceship Heart of Gold lolled into view, executed a barrel roll and looped the loop, and then made a beeline straight towards them. In perfect synchronization, three AT fields went up, and the ship promptly plowed straight into them. Asuka, being nervous and improperly braced, took the impact and was thrown across the city onto a small hill. Rei and Shinji watched in amazement as two apparent humans, one boisterous and one looking extremely green around the gills, walked out of a small door in the side of the craft and looked around.

. . .

Gendou Ikari, from Nerv central command, cradled his head in his hands, having a very unpleasant day at best. "At least Rei isn't angry with me again," he thought to himself. The last time that had happened, he'd had to make an excuse to disappear to the South Pole for a week.

. . .

The first thing Asuka noticed, when she woke up, was the face of a halfway handsome man peering into her face. The second thing she noticed was his towel. Then she noticed everyone else in the room.

"Wow, Asuka, you took a pretty big knock to the head, even with the LCL," intoned Shinji, obviously having rehearsed what to say so that he wouldn't wind up dead when he said it.

Rei then introduced the two unknowns. "This is Arthur Dent,"she said, pointing to a rather nondescript man talking with Misato and Maya, "And the gentleman with the towel is Ford Prefect, an interstellar hitchhiker, and the one who was piloting that ship we stopped."

Asuka leaned back, and punched Ford in the face with about the same force as the Heart of Gold had hit her Eva-02.

. . .

Later that night...

. . .

Ford Prefect and Gendou Ikari were talking. Both were also pist drunk. Ford had introduced NERV's commander to the delights of the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, and Gendou had returned the favor with a very choice wine that had not been produced after Second Impact largely because most of Europe, including the Italian vineyard from whence it came, was now ocean. They were discussing the merits of placing towels on the Evas.

. . .

Arthur Dent was dancing with Asuka. Dancing remarkably well, actually, considering the pain in his instep from where she had stepped on it, to force him out onto the floor. His thoughts at he time were, "oh great, she likes me. She's 14, and I've been to the end of the universe and back. How do I get out of this one alive?"

The next dance, Arthur and Maya went outdoors.

Asuka was furious. She reached for the closest available male (who happened to be Shinji Ikari) and dragged him out to the dance floor.

Shinji got a nosebleed, and fainted.

. . .

Arthur Dent walked into the Heart of Gold, a red handprint on his face showing clearly what Maya thought of his "plan" to escape Asuka. He looked down, and saw Gendou and Ford passed out, with Gargle Blaster glasses beside them.

Arthur Dent shook his head, and left to find somewhere else to sleep.

. . .

Misato and Shinji, knowing that Asuka wouldn't be back any time soon (she had gone to stay with Hikari, not wanting to be around the "pervert"), generously allowed Arthur to camp out, throwing down a floor mat and blanket for him. Shinji, after hearing all about how Arthur had escaped the Earth moments before its destruction, and all his adventures, just nodded and smiled. He did, however, peruse the _Guide_ a while, momentarily startled by a description of one Eccentrica Gallumbits, then falling asleep halfway through the description of how big the universe was.

Arthur couldn't believe a little kid like Shinji could snore that loudly. No wonder Asuka was always so peeved!

. . .

The following day, nobody except Rei and Gendou appeared to work at NERV. Gendou was wearing a towel, along with his usual attire, and an ice bag on his forehead.

By the time NERV had closed that day, Rei had a large bandage on her thumb where she'd pricked it numerous times trying to sew together a gigantic towel from smaller towels. Gendou, meanwhile, was cursing Seele under his breath, muttering something about $100 towels and the inefficiency of government spending.

. . .

A week after landing, the Heart of Gold lifted off again. Its contents were Ford, Arthur, some food, and a hearty supply of icepacks for Ford's eye, swelling gently in four places corresponding to Asuka's knuckles.

A few new entries went to the _Guide_ that week:

Asuka Sohryu Langley; If one has never faced death, go there first. Then try to deal with her. The effect is similar to downing 5 Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters in a minute. Better still, go deal with somebody else more friendly -- Eccentrica Gallumbits would probably be a good choice.

Evangelion; A large, humanoid robot/being capable of stopping a speeding spaceship, assuming it is properly braced, by using a forcefield, or "AT Field", which it generates internally. Piloted by a 14-year-old, the "Eva" 's main weapon is its body coloration and gangly limbs, which cause the "Angels" they fight to double over in laughter.

Angel: a space-born entity, this race has been trying for many years to buy some take-out cuisine from Earth. Unfortunately, the gestures of hello have been misinterpreted by the Earthlings, since they have no Babel Fish, and so a war has broken out between the Angels and the Evangelions.

Earth: a peculiar planet, which sits on a focal point in Space/Time, so that it can never really be destroyed. For this reason, no clear definition of it can be given. Except that it is now inhabited by one Asuka Sohryu Langley, it can be considered Mostly Harmless.

. . .

Shinji and Rei looked up in the sky, watching the ship dwindle down to a point of light in the sky.

"So, do you think they'll ever return?" asked Shinji.

"Doubtful. If they do, we'll have to send Asuka far away until they leave again."

"She was pretty mad at that guy, Ford, wasn't she? I wonder why."

"She is very protective of Eva-02. It, and her pride, got hurt. It's the same reason I warned you to stay away from her, because we stayed standing while she fell over."

"Oh. So, do you want to come over to my place, for a while? I assume we're not going into the locker room until she's done destroying it."

"That would be... pleasant."

Rei smiled.

. . .

Thanks to:
Some other people who helped edit this
and
Tom Rothamel