An Eating Guide to the Silver Millenium, Part 3: 100% Imitation Crab Meat served with a topping of Genuine Artificial Cheese Spread

By Richard Beaubien

It was a bright sunny and cheerful day on the Planet Sammy. Everyone was in state of extremely blissful happiness, singing and dancing as the noon sun warmed the fields. It was the harvest of the extremely tasty Puzzum Fruit, a delicacy which made Sammy famous through out the universe.

For not only does the Puzzum have a divine taste, it also has the side effect of making everyone that eats incredibly, blissfully, and giddily happy. So happy that a visit from the local Insurance salesman would be seen as a reason to have a celebration. It's power is so great that an audit could be as funny as your average sitcom, even if you did lose everything.

And the fruit helped make everyone on the planet Sammy extremely happy, despite the fact that the plant itself had a stench worse then the municipal Garbage dump, surroundings that made a war zone look like a fun place to live, and a temperature that made vacationing on the desert planet of Yumishika seem like a dream vacation.

But everyone was happy and that was all that mattered.

Well it wasn't all that mattered to the only non happy person on the planet, the solitary man that was brooding under one of the toxic tree tops. Unlike the others Mr. Yamucha couldn't afford to dance around in happiness and ignore life. For he had a mission of supreme importance to carry out, a mission of which the entire fate of the galaxy depended on.

Not that he didn't want to dance around like a giddy idiot, naive to everything important. But if that happened chances are everything would cease to exist or his head would be mashed open by one of his coworkers, much like one of them was doing now to one of the locals causing yet more cheers of joy to come from the Sammiyans

"If they keep it up they might just use poetry on them," a voice from behind the man said in a dry tone.

"I doubt it, I think there are limits to the mind intoxicating powers of the fruit." Though he wasn't sure about that.

"Who knows, that group of kids over there seem to be having fun with the poetry. Hell they're even offering hints on how to make it better."

"Blimy, we should of have never hired them in the first place," Mr. Yamucha shrugged, hoping he couldn't hear the poetry over here. Suddenly even a small bite of the fruit was looking even more appealing by the minute, "So what do you have to report now?"

"We found him. Found two of him actually."

"Your kidding, two of them?"

"Yes sir, we have photo evidence of them right here." the lackey said as he handed over the photos to Yamucha. In his hands where photo evidence of the person he was sent to hunt, the person that forced him to work closely with Vogons. And upon closer look even he had to agree that they where indeed, two different people. "Agent D really did some good work on these photo's right Mr. Yamucha?"

"This is a bad sign. I don't like this."

"We have one unit down there taking care of him right now, but we may need another to take of the other one. It seems he wants to leave the planet, at least that's what the message we intercepted said." The underling smiled as he produced a tape from his pocket. "Do you want to listen to it?"

"No, it's fine. Have we done something about this?"

"We have blocked the transmission of the message. We should have a ship ready to pick him up soon in case the agents on planet don't work."

"This seems too clean, and two at once," Yamucha frowned as he thought things through. There was only supposed to be one, he was told. And the fact that there are two seemed to imply that there was something that even he didn't know about. And Yamucha did not like stuff being hidden from him. "Anything else to report?"

"Nothing much beyond a stellar invasion fleet coming ito kick butt. We estimate that the planet has maybe 1 week of life left at most."

"Then perhaps we should take things into our own hands then. I'll be heading to this planet to over see this little operation myself." Suddenly a thundering roar filled the sky as a gleaming gold space ship descended from the sky. As the ramp slowly opened up, the Sammyians started to cheer and sing the space ship invader song. A song which was, Yamucha noted, nauseatingly happy and cute like the rest of them. "All right, everyone on board."

And as the Vogons slowly started to board the ship the natives decided to sing them a goodbye song, the cheerfully upbeat 'We're getting slaughtered' song!. With the colour of Sammyians being hit by Kill-O-Matic guns filling the sky the locals had yet another festival to celebrate on this happy day. Another festival joining the 10000000 which where celebrated on that day alone.

****

****

A Cliff Hanger is a great many things really.

The Hitch Hiker's guide to the galaxy has two separate entries for a Cliff hanger. The First one describes a cliff hanger as a rather popular dish at an obscure restaurant in the Della system. The Dish is made up of a mish mosh of ingredients which change from dish to dish, and the people eating take a risk as to whether or not it tastes good or if it will kill them. Many an adventurer had tried the famous cliff hanger dish, but only a few had lived through to tell the tale.

(Which of course only pushed the popularity of the dish through the roof producing the slightly less risky, but just as popular, Yuppie Cliff Hanger for the rich and famous. The patrons then only risked at the worst a mild tummy ache and a one day flu upon eating the dish.)

The second entry deals with the literary irony of the cliff hanger and how to handle it while hitchhiking. It says that a cliff hanger is a situation where you have no idea if you're going to survive or not. It describes these as hopeless situations ranging from facing down a squad of Xylon marines with Kill-O-Matic guns to not having a can opener to open the only piece of food you have while your starving to death. The situations vary but one thing remains constant, you have no idea what's going to happen next.

Taking that into account then the author has concluded that the next scene is not the continuation of a cliff hanger since the outcome was never in doubt from the first place. It's blatantly obvious who's going to survive and who's going to get their butts kicked.

But just for fun sake let's do the scene anyway....

*****

"Vogons...Not them again!!" The man exclaimed as the two beings leveled their guns at him. "Not bloody again!!!" He yelled as he saw them pull the trigger on the Kill-O-Matic gun's, ready to send a white hot projectile death his way.

A projectile death that never came, the man noted, as he slowly opened his eyes. He felt very much in one piece, a rare feeling for a man that should have taken a Kill-O-Matic blast in the chest. But instead of burnt flesh and taunting Vogons standing over his corpse there were two girls in rather skimpy looking Sailor Suits standing in front of him. One had a rather stupid looking key object in front of her, while the other had a dumb looking staff with a blade on top of it. It all struck him as being beyond weird really, stranger than the strangest thing he had ever experienced.

Even stranger than the time with the Lumpolish slime beast and the spork of doom, he noted. "Bugger, is this some sign for me to lay off the drinks!?!" he yelled out loud, not really expecting an answer.

"Calm down, we're here to help," the weird girl with the giant Key (who for some weird reason called herself Sailor Pluto) said, trying her best to reassure him. It wasn't working really, since he knew that a Giant Key really couldn't do much against a Kill-O-Matic gun. But then he was alive because of them. Maybe they could do something to protect him.

"Dinner is a time to spend with family and friends. That is a time that shouldn't be interrupted." the man groaned loudly as the girl who called herself Sailor Saturn broke into her speech. Speeches wouldn't work against them, not the masters of the most dangerous form of speech in the universe.

"And I will not tolerate such an interruption. For I am.." but that statement wasn't finished by Sailor Saturn . Instead one of the Vogons decided to fire a shot that managed to miss Saturn by a few inches, clipping off a bit of her hair in the process. The man noted, with a sour expression, that he and the girls would be dead soon if he didn't do anything. He just need to find something to would help him out here.

"Enough Speaking, if you don't hand over that man we'll be forced to kill everyone here. Or even worse," The Vogon threatened, drawing gasps from the entire crowd. "Come now Ford Prefect, do you really think you can get away from us?"

"Well you can't blame a guy for trying can you," Ford laughed, trying to buy a few more seconds for his mind to figure a way out of this mess. But it seemed no ideas where forthcoming.

"Well I guess you can't blame us for reading a bit of poetry then. I has been a while since I've last practiced and I've been looking forward to get back at it." Ford stiffened as the rest of the room relaxed. The fools thought that they would be hearing normal poetry, but they would soon know the terrors of Vogon poetry. A terror with which he already had a lot of experience unfortunetly.

"You...You!!!" Saturn muttered finally as the cut bit of her hair hit the ground beside her*, ironically adding to the dramatic tension of the scene. If Ford hadn't known better he would of sworn it was like he was in a movie of some sort. Of course if it was then he could call in his stunt double to deal with this crap while he went and got punch drunk. But the chances of that happening...

"I never get to do a speech, never," the young girl cried as she slowly walked forward, Ford being the first to notice her face. "And when I finally get to do one you interrupt me," Saturn continued as her face shed the dramatic shadows which had hid it, revealing to the entire restaurant what her emotions where at the time.

"For that you will pay. Die.." Hotaru whispered, not a hint of emotion on her face. And for the first time in his life Ford swore he almost saw a look of fear on a Vogon face. Ford himself was terrified beyond the belief, along with the rest of the patrons. In fact the only person that wasn't scared witless was Sailor Pluto. She looked on with a strange look, a look which said that she knew what the outcome of the impening fight was going to be even before it happened. A look that was accompanied by a wry smile.

A smile that made Ford feel very uncomfortable indeed.

Ford was snapped out his thoughts though by the sound of a Kill-O-Matic gun going off. Quickly turning around he saw Saturn parry the attack with the blade of her glaive, before she turned around and yelled 'Silence glaive surprise'.

And before he knew it the Vogon that had been attacking them was turned into a pile of dust before his eyes. Just like that, a young girl had turned a member of the most feared species in the entire universe into a common household problem. And it scared the hell out of Ford.

It scared him so much that he started to slowly back out the door, away from both the crazy Sailor girls and the remaining Vogon. And as he turned his head around he could see that the Vogon himself had the same idea, though he seemed to be doing it rather quickly too. But not quick enough.

"Dead Scream," Pluto whispered in barely audible voice as she finished twirling around in a circle. As she finished her words a ball of energy emerged from her staff, a ball that impacted neatly into the chest of the terrified Vogon turning him into another pile of dust. A pile which rested beside the dust pile that was his former partner, in order to insure an easy after fight clean up for the cleaning staff.

And a scary thought suddenly entered Ford's mind. He wondered if he himself could be turned into a pile of dust too.

"Prefect-san," Sailor Pluto said as she walked over to him. "Perhaps we can talk for a bit, I have some interesting questions I need to ask you."

"Yes," Ford numbly replied, revising his thinking on an escape plan. After all he had little experience dealing with over powered psycho speech girls in short skirts. "If you'll allow me to sit down, I'd quite fancy a pint of bitter right about now."

****

*(It has been noted by the Guide that out of the ten things not to do when fighting a girl, cutting her hair accidently ranks third on the list. Number two on the list to make a comment about her weight and the number one thing on list of stuff not to do while fighting a girl is to call her a Pishy Pishy Posh Pish. No reason has been given for this being number one, but the Guide does state that doing this during a fight will result in death in the best of cases and a rather painfully death dragged out over a period of several years in the worst. And the Guide is rarely, if ever wrong....

Or so the Guide says.)

****

Meanwhile, at the fringe of our solar system, all of the ships in the Kargon armada prepared to execute the one true war tactic they had always used. And used to the utmost success.

For the Kargons had assembled there entire space fleet to overwhelm one tiny little insignificant little planet. It would be a glorious massacre that the muses would sing about for ages, admiring the Kargons cruelty as they wiped this planet from the universe.

Who knows, they might even build an interstellar bypass through here named after the chief commander of the stellar invasion fleet.

All in all it would be a great morale booster for the Kargons at home. Nothing cheered the people up like a good old planet destruction. And if the Kargons had their way, the planet would soon be destroyed in a matter of days.

And none of the people on the planet would know what hit them, or so the Kargons thought.

But then they didn't expect a time guardian to be hanging around earth either.

****

It was a pleasant, sunny day, one of many that seemed to come in Hawaii at this time of the year. It was early spring here and the sun was warm enough to be hot, but not hot enough to be a bother. In fact the weather was perfect for a vacation. Absolutely no rain at all had fallen over the past 3 days, and if things stayed that way it would be the best vacation ever.

And Setsuna had a funny feeling that the weather would remain sunny for the remainder of the week. Of course it helped that she knew what the weather was going to be like during her vacation, her powers with time had made sure she would pick the best week to have her vacation. But that didn't take away from the thrill of actually having a perfectly sunny vacation...

"Excuse me," a young man bowed as he walked past Setsuna. The man, she noted, was Japanese like most of the people on the beach. She supposed it was a side effect of the year that she had picked to vacation, really.

The Yen was a lot stronger against the dollar in the mid 80's then in 98, and Setsuna wanted to make sure she could get her money's worth on her trip. Besides there was something else on the beach that she wanted to try that only existed in the 1980's and not in the 1990's. Something so excessive that it called out to her as the thing she had to do for the first part of her vacation, before she went on a hunting trip with Napoleon.

She had to experience the Buffet from Hell, a dinner so terrible that nobody had ever finished it before. Its portions where immense and the dishes where rumored to be never ending. And if you ate it all the dinner would be free, but if you couldn't...

Setsuna didn't want to think about that, she knew she had the best chance to beat such a dinner. After all, she was a guardian of time, and even if she couldn't finish a dish she could always bend the rules a bit. And there was no law saying that she couldn't abuse her powers slightly.

But then that wasn't what was bothering her really. It was the sudden feeling that something very awful was going to happen with the world very soon and Setsuna was needed in the present to deal with it.

Of which Setsuna replied with a rather sharp 'Go away, Naru can handle it and I want to eat some ribs'.

This puzzled Setsuna's subconscious, for it was rare for Meiou to ignore a potential time paradox. And it had very shaky feeling that this one could be too much for the inexperience young girl to handle. It tried to tell Setsuna of this, but all she got in replay was the ribs were good and up next is the world famous mashed potatoes so sod off.

Of course this was Setsuna's subconscious, and it was every bit as manipulative as Setsuna was in real life. And without a second thought she suggested (well it wasn't really a suggestion, more like a gentle form of brainwashing except that it wasn't gentle at all really. The sub conscious had to use a hydrolic drill to get firmly into Setsuna's mind) that Meiou might want to visit the Tokyo Tower and experience the famous views from there.

Something Setsuna was more than happy to do, because that was the most important part of her vacation really. She really couldn't believe why she put it off for so long. And after finishing off the potatoes and paying the bill, Setsuna left to visit the Tower like she always planned to do from the get go.

"Thank god she's gone, she had the look like she could finish off the entire meal and then some more," One of the waiters sighed as he talked to the chef.

"Yeah, but the newcomers should be easy targets. Just look at the dopey kid and the shriveled old man, they shouldn't even last past the 3rd course. And the woman, ha!!"

"Don't worry, I'll start them off mild to run up the bill!!" The waiter said as he left the chef's tent to head towards the table. As he moved closer he could see what a couple of idiots the guys were, they wouldn't last long. As for the young woman, well she looked normal and all but she didn't look like the type of person who could finish such a demanding meal. It was going to be an easy pay day again for the Buffet from Hell.

"Hello, How may I help you Miss, Miss?"

"Sakura," the young lady replied with a glint coming from her smile, "And I'd like to order 3 of your buffet dishes please."

****

It has often been rumored, though rarely confirmed, that among the first alien visitors who visted the planet earth in the past (a fact that can be easily proved by the mark of one of the greatest practical joke teams in the universe, the Julian Jubei Jokesters, a mark which consists of desert pyramids and a Sphinx like structure) was a species known as the Yuuman Yutlebuts.

And through a complete and totally pointless accident the Yuuman blood got mixed into the human gene pool. And while this is a rumor, it is based on some fact. It is proven because all generations of Yuuman/Human ancestors manage to split the traits of their Yuuman forefathers. Some manage to get the ugly side of the Yuuman gene pool, turning into a shriveled up prunes before their time. And the other, more lucky descendents end up getting the the eternally slim waistline that all Yuumans are famous for.

Needless to say the ones with the good genes go on to become super models while the others go into hiding or become rather eccentric old people with strange and mystical powers.

Of course this is only a rumor....

****

"They what? How could they!!" the lackey screamed, seeming to think that his yelling could actually change the fact that the Vogons on earth actually had failed at their task. "It's not possible, nobody on that dust ball has anything to stop a Kill-O-Matic Gun!!!"

"How do you know, eh?" Yamucha wryly added from his command chair. He had been getting bad vibes from this place since he first heard it was the location of the one they needed to hunt. And these vibes increased ever since he had found out that this person had an exact double on the planet right now. "They could have stuff to handle it, you just never know."

"But we do know, we've done a lot of research on this planet and we know exactly how dangerous it is."

"And how dangerous is it?"

"It's mostly Harmless."

"I wonder," Yamucha muttered, wondering if this place was really as harmless as people where making it out to be.

****

There is one fundamental problem with every book ever published, and this ranges from your grade 9 text book to the Encyclopedia Galatica to even the most read and trusted publication in the galaxy, the Hitch Hiker's Guide. And that problem is this; the book itself generally reflects the bias of the person or persons writing the book.

For example through a few strokes of a pen and creative placing of a few words here the novel the 'History of Wang Wing Bong' was able to turn public opinion against the founder of the government on the planet Wang. Within the span of a year the book had changed the image of the prime minister from a kindly old man to being that of evil itself and then back again to being the founder of the planet (the planet now being evil itself).

Such is the power of the written word.

And that power often increases through the respect of the publication. The Hitch Hiker's Guide is one such publication whose printed words are treated like a gospel of truth, despite the fact that many entries have rarely been checked or double checked. They accept the opinion of the author at face value and assume that what he says is correct even if he has only spent a minute on the planet before hiking off to one of the near by pleasure planets.

And there is of course the fact that the Guide is often taken as the one true source of important information about a planet or region of space. This is not true, for in reality the guide is nothing more than a travel book. A book that offers advice for hitchikers on how to surviving on a strange planet, how to eat on the planet, and how to get a good drink on said planet without pickling your entire body.

Thus when the guide calls a planet 'Mostly Harmless' it does that because it's 'Mostly Harmless' to all hitchikers, not because that planet is harmless for invading armies, galatic insurance salesmen or traveling Space mimes.

But that doesn't stop Galatic warlords and supervillians from putting 'Mostly Harmless' planets on their path for plunder and destruction. Because after all a 'Mostly Harmless' planet is 'Mostly Harmless'...

That is until one space pirate stumbled across a Mostly Harmless planet in the Mily Way galaxy...

****

"So your the guardian of this planet right?" Ford asked as he downed yet another class of Sake, a drink he had become rather fond of in a short amount of time. It went down quickly and had just enough kick to it to give Ford a buzz. And Ford needed a good buzz.

"Yes, we do serve as guardians for this planet," Saturn nodded, quite amazed that Ford was still managing to make a bit of sense after slamming down 3 sake bottles.

"But what's really wonky, and humor me on this, is the fact you're called Saturn and Pluto. I mean if your really the guardians of Earth why not go by the name of Earth, or Terra or Tokyo even?"

Saturn began to speak before Pluto interrupted her, "Well it's nice that your having a good laugh at our expense but perhaps we should get on to more important things. Like say how you managed to get two of those 'Vogons' after you?"

"Vogons, well I dunno really," Ford mumbled, a sudden thought breaking through his sake-induced haze. "Perhaps they're after me because I know they want to build a Galactic bypass here sometime soon." Ford downed another drink before he realized the implications of the statement. "Hmm, perhaps I might be able to get a lift of this planet from you two chaps then."

"Not likely," Pluto mused, her face revealing nothing of what she thought, "Especially since these 'Vogons' aren't going to over run the planet anytime soon."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," and Naru was positive, for she knew that Setsuna had managed to find the location for the plans of the bypass. She knew that Setsuna filed a complaint, and knew that Setsuna managed to strike fear into the hearts of the Vogon high council through some rather hideous and evil means that don't fit into a family story like this. Naru knew all of this, and she didn't know how. "In fact these Vogons are after you for a different reason. And you know it Prefect-san."

"Huh, what are you talking about?" Ford said, suddenly looking for any path to escape from here. Something that would take him far away from Vogons and Sailor Suited little girls.

"Why, if you don't know Mr. Prefect, then perhaps you should follow us?" Pluto smiled a trusting smile which was anything but reassuring for Ford. It also drew a curious glance from Saturn, who also didn't seem to know what was going on. This also, curiously, made Ford feel even less secure about going off with Pluto.

"Err, Pluto are you sure about this?"

"Yes, I am." Pluto said before she whispered something to Saturn. Suddenly Saturn's look of concern turned into a rather confident smile, a smile that Ford also didn't like one bit. "So are you ready to go?"

Ford's mind hit overdrive here, for he was sure he had to get away from this place . Away from these people that could turn him into a pile of dust. But somewhere deep inside his subconciuos there was a little voice which kept on saying that he had to trust Pluto, that in the end she would help work through the mess Ford was caught in.

At least Ford thought it was voice in his subconscious, it could of very well been then methanol talking to him for all he knew. Still going with the two young Sailor Suited ladies did sound like an awfully froody idea.

So Ford made a decision that would probably change his life forever. "Okay, lead on fair Pluto!!"

****

In order to establish some things for future reference, yes Naru knows exactly what's going on and how to handle it. She knows just what the story behind Ford is, and she does know how he fits into it.

She also knows why she indeed became Sailor Pluto, the reason behind all the other chaos, and also the secret formula for Coke and the exact reasoning behind the failed launch of New Coke.

In fact Naru knew a lot of stuff she really didn't wish to know, a lot of stuff she put into effect through her own manipulations. And knowing all of this only meant that Naru was in an even worse mood than she was in when she started this day from hell.

It truly was a hellish day after all, and it could only get worse from here Naru noted.

****

Ford sighed as he managed to use up the last of his Yen for the telescope. It had already been a day since he sent his distress call through space and still the sky showed no signs of his rescue ship at all, though the towers telescope wasn't really suited to stellar observation.

All of this just made Ford want to cry, for soon the planet he had grown to love would be run over by a power hungry army. And even more importantly he would be on the planet when it would be run over by the Kargons. If only someone could come and save him from his doom. After all he did have Happy Meals to give them...

Of course fate has a funny way of answering prayers. Sometimes it ignores them, sometimes it laughs at them by doing the exact opposite. And sometimes it answers them, though usually when that happens people wish she had never answered at all. Ford's prayers of course where just answered when he saw the young woman suddenly appear in front of him.

"Hello, are you here to help me leave the planet Miss?" Ford said as he bowed in front of her. "I have Happy meals to give you if we leave early."

"And why would I want a Happy meal," The green haired young lady replied, a look of disgust appearing on her face. "I mean, I just came from a great buffet with BBQ Ribs and you think I'd want to eat that?"

"But it's the greatest meal ever made!! Just look at the grease that glistens off the fries, look at the melted cheese and pickles on the bun. Can you not say that this is the greatest food ever made? Besides it came with a toy!!" Ford exclaimed as he produced a wind up pink car from his pocket. He shouted screams of joy as he wounded it up and let it run across the floor of the tower.

"Figures, I'd have to get stuck with the idiot."

"Well it serves you right you know?" A voice from behind her exclaimed. Setsuna knew who it was though, and it didn't help her mood improve at all.

"Pluto, Saturn, and you." She hissed turning around to see the two Senshi and Ford Prefect. This Ford was looking around the tower with a sharp eye, an eye that seemed to have intelligence gleaming from it unlike the git with the wind up toy.

"Bloody, he looks just like me!!" Prefect exclaimed as he looked over the grown man that was on all fours and chasing a wind up toy.

"Why hello there! You must like Happy meals as much as I do, want one."

Ford didn't know what to do with the offer. He didn't know if he should laugh, cry, or scream at the same time. His brain was going into over drive trying to think of the possibilities. For standing in front of him was his exact double and he was, without a doubt, the biggest git in the history of the universe. "Bloody!!"

"Well we're all here right now, so that means we only have a few more minutes to go until they arrive."

"Who are they?" Ford asked, trying to ignore the person in front of him, "I thought you said the Vogons wouldn't bother this planet."

"No, the Vogons won't. It's the Kargons we should be worried about!" Setsuna exclaimed as she held up her Henshin rod and shouted out "Pluto Planet Power make up!!"

For both Fords it was the first time they had seen a magical girl transformation. And for both of them they had only one thought go through their head. It was...

"Why hello Ford, how nice of you to come and see us," which wasn't what Ford was thinking, but it did seem rather important since the voice did seem to have a few Vogons with it.

"Oh boy," Ford Prefect sighed, knowing full well what would happen next. A pointless fight with people dying and the Sailor Suited Girls turning things to dust piles. It all sounded wonderfully pointless, so pointless that the two Plutos had smiles on their faces.

Let it be stated right now that Setsuna, much Like Naru, knew the reasons as to why she was here and not eating her buffet. She knew the reason behind her picking up a replacement Senshi and she knew that everything fit together in a neat little package that annoyed the hell out of her.

All in all her mood quite matched Naru's.

And let it be known (for the Hitch Hikers guide does state this, in Big Bold letters too) that it's not in your best interest to get two time guardians angry.

And the two Plutos where very angry indeed....

Next Part