An Eating Guide to the Silver Millenium, Part 5: A Cheaque, a Chocolate Mint, and one hell of a hang over...

By Richard Beaubien

Ikuko sighed as she entered the elevator to go up to the observation deck of the Tokyo Tower. Some of her best memories came from here yet she always seemed to have a love/hate relationship with the Tower for some weird reason.

After all Ikuko only had happy memories of this place.

It was here that she and Kenjii had their first date, Kenjii taking her up to the observation deck to show her all sort of stuff he thought was cool . Ikuko just humored him at that time, she certainly wasn't interested in the things Kenjii was looking at. But her heart was warmed by the way Kenjii acted to her and the enthusiasm he showed in trying to make her happy even though he had no idea what her interests were.

Kenjii soon picked them up though, and after they had been going out for a couple of years they visited the Tower again and Kenjii proposed to her. Sitting on one knee, he promised to take her one day to the tower she really wanted to see. The Effiel tower, where the two of them would have a romantic dinner one day during the setting sun. Ikuko was absolutely ecstatic, not about the promise of going to France but the fact that Kenjii truly cared about her and would try to make her happy. And in a few months, after both families approved of the wedding, the young couple tied the knot in a traditional Shinto ceremony.

It was one of the happiest moments in her life, a memory she would treasure forever. After all the Tokyo Tower held nothing but happy memories for her and her family...

At least she felt that way until Sailor Moon popped onto the scene. Ever since then Ikuko had felt a strange feeling that the tower reminded her of something, something she had lost from the past. It was just a feeling of course, but she had ended up avoiding the tower ever since. Though she did go to it once with Chibi-Usa on a school field trip.

Whoever that Chibi-Usa person was, Ikuko thought as the Elevator stopped on the observation deck. She only had vague memories of her and a coffee cup with her name on it. That and she had a vision of a Chibi Usagi with Pink hair instead of blonde. But other than that she had no idea who this Chibi-Usa person was, absolutely none at all.

"Thank you for visiting the Tokyo Tower" the guide in the elevator spoke as the door's open, "The sky is clear blue so you'll be able to have a wonderful view of Tokyo today."

'That's nice' Ikuko thought as she started to leave the platform, 'Maybe I'll be able to look at some of the things Kenjii pointed out to me back then'. Ikuko smiled, wondering if that mysterious 'Giant Robot' Kenjii pointed out back then was still there. 'He was a bit of an Otaku back then,' she mused suddenly forgetting any bad feelings she had about this place.

"You may want to look to your left on the platform as something special is happening," the guide continued though Ikuko could barely hear her by the telescopes. "The famous Sailor Senshi are fighting a couple of monsters so you might want to take a few picture of them!!!"

"What!?" Ikuko exclaimed as she turned around to see three Sailor Senshi face off against two rather ugly monsters. Looking closer, she could almost swear that she knew one of the Sailor Senshi, the short one with Giant Key. She thought she knew the big one with the giant key too, but she certainly didn't recognize the girl with glaive.

"Why hello Ford, how nice of you to come and see us," the human standing between the monsters said in an overly confident voice. At least Ikuko thought the guy was a human, he at least looked like it. But then didn't all monster look human before they turned into an ugly lizard like monster like the ones that surrounded him.

"You've saved us a lot of effort by coming here, so please continue to be a gentleman and allow us to kill you!!" The voice continued as Ikuko started to walk towards them, finally recognizing who the young girl with the Giant key was. And she also had a fair idea of who the monsters were too.

"Naru!!!" She screamed as she started to run towards them, hoping that she wouldn't be too late. "Get away from the Vogons!!!" A small yellow sphere of power formed in her hands as she ran through the crowd, looking for a place to get a clear shot at the monsters. After all she knew what she had to do to stop these monsters from destroying the planet.

Which cause Ikuko to stop and think for a moment, just how did she know all of this stuff about the Sailor Senshi and these monsters. She couldn't really know any of it unless she was the direct reincarnation of...of...

And at the point in time all of her old memories came flooding back into her head, not just the memories dealing with the Vogons. She rememberd who she really was in her past life and why the Tower had such unpleasant memories for her. And as all the thoughts came flowing into her head, Ikuko did what any reasonable person would do when they found about they had a past life.

She fainted.

****

****

The Hitchhikers guide has a large entry on the subject of reincarnation, how it happens and how you can avoid becoming a civil servant in the next life.

In this section is a wonderful set of guide lines on how you can shape your next life. For example, if you want to change your appearance to something else in the next life time you should sleep with the picture of what you really want to look like under your pillow. That way, the guide states, your sub conscious will absorb your dream appearance through sleep osmosis*.

If you want a different job, then start hanging tools around the house for that job you really want. And thus your mind in the next life will remember tools from that job and thus think it'd be a rather spiffy occupation for you to take (This also save the messy time and money needed for retrainingg in your present life).

And most importantly if you want your reincarnation to remember it's past life then the guide states that you should right a diary and mail it with a stamp to your 'Future Self'. If done early enough the post office should get it to your reincarnation after the first 30 years of it's life, though it costs less if you do it after 50.

Of course that's just the tip of the iceberg, the guide contains hundreds of tips carefully researched from the planet Yarelsburger. Where everyone is reincarnated into there view of the perfect life by following these simple tips, reincarnated into the most ruthless high seas accountants in the universe.

All in all, the guide entry is a much more exciting read than the Encyclopedia Galactica entry for reincarnation which defines it as 'a rare event triggered by large amount of magical energy'.

(*Sleep osmosis is a theory of writing and reading during your sleep by placing a book or piece of blank paper under your head while you sleep. That way you can absorb the text into your dreams or write your dreams out on the piece of paper. This theory is generally scoffed at by most sane people, though the editors of the Hitchhikers Guide have been rumored to be using this system to edit Guide entries for the past year and a half.)

****

A faint breeze flew through the Tokyo Tower as a few of the tourists took photos of the impending monster fight. A monster fight which was delayed by the rather insane woman who ran at them yelling Naru and Vogons before she fainted on the ground. Yamucha had brushed her off as a non threat when she collapsed to the floor, even though she knew about the Vogons. The knowledge wouldn't do her a bit of good with her unconscious on the floor, and right now he had more important things to deal with.

Mainly the three people in those ridiculous costumes that where called the 'Sailor Senshi' and the people that were using flash bulbs to take photo's of the fight. Yamucha really hated Flash bulbs, they always made his eyes blink and take away from the sense of coolness he tried to emit.

"Ahem, please don't use the flash bulb for any pictures please," Yamucha announced causing some people to reply with a quick Gomen, "Now let's continue, Ford. Your time has run out so accept it and let's us kill you!!" Yamucha made a quick hand signal to the two Vogons around him and they quickly raised there guns and pointed them at Ford.

Unfortunately the two Senshi with the Key where standing in front of the two Fords, blocking the Vogons shot. Yamucha sighed and delayed the order to fire, he didn't want to kill them in cold blood. No, he wanted to see the three of them suffer as their home planet was destroyed utterly by the Kargon fleet.

Yamucha knew it was cruel, but he didn't care one bit.

"Ahem, can you please move. I don't want to destroy you but I will if I have to."

"Ja Ken Po!!" The two Senshi yelled in unison as the smaller one made a horizontal V with her hand while the bigger one made a her hand flat. Yamucha looked on in amazement as the two of them seemed to be ignoring his threats to use the Vogons. In fact they seemed to be playing some sort of childish game instead of fearing for their lives.

"Excuse me, hello I have two guns pointed at your head!!!"

"We know, Yamucha-san," The younger girl explained as she goodbye to the older one, who quickly disappeared in flash of light. Now only two Sailor Senshi remained, the small one with the Key and the even smaller one with glaive. "But we where just deciding who was going to live and who's going to waste their life in vain trying to stop your masterful plan. Alas I have to remain," the girl finished in between sobs.

It was enough to make anyone cry, Yamucha noted as a broad smile appeared on his face. It was nice to know they actually understood the situation they where in and knew it was hopeless. Things like that made the upcoming fight scene so much easier to handle. "Ahh, so you know it is hopeless. Well why don't you step aside and let us handle things okay!"

"I can't do that, after all I've sworn to protect the Earth even if it means my death," a meek reply came from the Senshi, "So I will fight you!!!"

The two remaining Senshi brought their weapons up to defend their selves in an almost pointless gesture. The gun fire would soon rip them to shreds, nothing could stop a Kill-O-Matic blast. Yet the two still bravely fought on or at least talked of fighting on. It was almost as if they where trying to buy time for some desperate plan to work.

Either that or they where completly stupid. Yamucha definitly thought it was the latter, after all only a complete nut case would wear an outfit* like that and make silly speeches at the beginning of a fight scene.

And that's when he finally noticed something. There was only one Ford behind the Senshi with the Giant Key. Only one Ford eating one of those rancid Happy Meals.

"Saturn, GO!!!" The Senshi with the key yelled as the two started flying towards them, not looking afraid or timid at all. In fact they looked very much like they could kick his and the Vogons butt across the tower.

And Yamucha didn't like the way things where looking one bit.

****

(*The guide has offered a couple of theories as to why Magical Girls wear the ridiclious outfits that they wear. These theories are then backed up by reviews and criticisms from many experts on the genre. Since a full treatment is beyond the relm of this text the author recommens that you instead order that lastest revision of the guide and the special "Magical Girl Companion book", which lists all of the known magical girl in existance.

To send away for one of these books, please mail a self addressed stamped envalope to the Hitchikers Guide. Do not specify a planet as the guide moves from planet to planet every 4 months. Instead just stick some stamps on it and will be picked up at some point in the future.*)

****

The spring air filled the air and the birds where chirping in the distance. The cherry blossoms were out in full force in the park as thousands of people walked under their beauty. Even Ford was awed by the sight, even though he had seen hundreds of other sites just as beautiful on other planets.

But still the scene moved Ford Prefect to contentment and helped him forget his troubles, troubles to do with Vogons and young girls in Sailor Suits. It was just by pure luck that he had managed to escape away from the chaos, sneaking away while the parties started broke into conversation and not battle. And he imagined they were still talking right now since he had managed to avoid any pursuit. Now Ford just needed to find a way back home, where ever that was, so he could settle down and start doing the things he wanted to do in life.

Which involved getting drunk and having good times with alot of pretty women.

It also had involved stuff to do with dimensional travel and a whole bunch of other weird metaphysical stuff like that, but for some reason Ford had forgotten all about that. He only knew that something strange had happened and he need to be as far away from the Vogons as he could possibly be. Preferably some place in England, where he could drink some ale and maybe pretend to be an out of work actor.

And that struck Ford as being perfectly froody. From there he would be able to signal to passing hitchhikers and maybe find a ride to another planet. And if not he could always write an entry for the planet for the guide.

And has he left the park and walked towards a bank machine to use the credit card he had always had with him (though he thought it just popped out of thin air at first), Ford Prefect very much started to make plans that involved absolutely no Vogons in it.

None at all.

****

She really hated Odangos.

She absolutely positively hated them, along with blonde hair. It absolutely turned her stomach to even imagine those vile things in her hair. Sure it looked okay on her mother, but to her she was a straight black hair women with a pony tail.

But her mother wouldn't let her change her style, after it was all part of being Serenity.'You need to have long blonde hair made into the odango hair style, it just wouldn't fit to have something else Serenity-chan' her mother would say to her whenever she tried to put her hair into a different style.

That was another thing that irked her, being called Serenity. Not Serenity Jr, not Serenity the 3rd, just plain Serenity. It smacked of laziness in naming and when ever she had a kid she probably pick some completely ridiculous name like Rabbit to stop the vile tradition in its tracks.

But, much like she kept her hair in Odangos and kept her hair blonde, she also named her beloved daughter Serenity, Princess Serenity. Oh how Queen Serenity wanted black hair, oh how she wanted to protect her daughter from harm. Protect every one from some strange visitor coming to wreak havoc on everyone she ever cared for.

Ikuko slowly opened her eyes with that thought, looking at her long black hair. Looking around she saw the fight taking place around her. Naru and Hotaru, Sailor Pluto and Sailor Saturn, where fighting the Vogons right now but they forgot about one man.

The man had killed her on the moon.

The man that had forced her reincarnation.

"YAMUCHA!!!!!!!!"

****

Today it was argument #301, Ami noted as she started to eat her sweet potato. Rei and Usagi where once again arguing, and they where in the middle of type 301, one they rarely used which surprised Ami. Perhaps they where starting to branch out in their arguments, looking for a new challenge. What ever the case it was a pleasant change from the usual arguments they had, the #50 and #101.

Truth be known, Ami had no idea when she started to number the arguments that Rei and Usagi had. Perhaps it started during one of their numerous manga debates they seemed to have, or maybe it started when she needed something to occupy herself during one of there small tiffs they always seemed to have.

What ever the case, the moment Ami started she found out that they just didn't have one argument over and over again, they had a variety of different arguments. In fact Ami was able to class over 400 different arguments they had, including argument #40 which was a manga argument with Rei calling Usagi Baka, and argument #75 which was a manga argument with tongues being stuck out at each other.

The subtle differences, the interplay between each other, and even the tone of voice all offered Ami something to research. Besides it took her mind of the argument going on. She sighed as she finished her potato off, Rei and Usagi always did have a weird method of showing friendship.

"Excuse me," A voice from behind interrupted Ami's thoughts, and the argument. The gathered inner Senshi all turned around to face the voice and their worst fears. "We have a new enemy to worry about" Sailor Pluto, Meiou Setsuna, said with a flat face.

"Oh no!! And I just got a boyfriend!!" Minako and Makoto exclaimed, both dreading the thought of a few months of a monster attack destroying the fledging relationships they had. Ami herself didn't want to lose anytime studying for college entrance exams, even though she really didn't need to study.

"I don't wanna face another enemy," Usagi cried, "I don't wanna be fighting it for months after months. Why can't monsters just leave us alone!!"

"Oh don't be such a cry baby Usagi!!" Rei replied in a mocking tone, the usual lead in to a #201 argument. Or maybe a new argument, Ami hoped, having so few montser attacks arguments among the one's she had classified so far. Perhaps at last she would be able to crack the 500 mark in research.

But Setsuna stopped the argument with one quick comment, "How would you like to take the enemy out in one shot?"

"Eh, What do you mean Pluto?"

"A preemptive strike, we hit them with a Sailor Planet attack before they even land." Pluto explained, with a smile on her face. It struck Ami as a good plan, one that she was surprised they hadn't used before. But then they didn't know where and when the enemy was attacking.

"So do we know their location in the system Pluto?" Ami asked, hoping that a quick end to the situation would be possible.

Setsuna just smiled at Ami, "Yes we do, and all we need to do is use your computer to tweak the coordinates and then we can fire at will"

"Sugoi!! And then I can go out on my date with Mamo-chan later!!" Usagi exclaimed, causing Rei to go into a #302 argument, which soon evolved into a #10 argument, before it turned into an original argument.

Ami had her 500th argument, and it made her very happy indeed.

****

It was going very bad for Yamucha, extremely bad actually. The young Sailor Senshi, Sailor Pluto and Sailor Saturn, had managed to turn his Vogons into a pile of dust after a few minutes of fighting. Add to that the fact one of the Fords had managed to escape and you get the formula for a very bad day.

"YAMUCHA!!!" the woman on the floor yelled as she started to get up, rage on her face.

Yamucha sighed, just what he needed, a crazy woman after him. But he still had one ace up his sleeve. And he just need to reach over and grab it.

"HELP!!" Ford yelled as Yamucha pressed a gun against his forehead. He didn't not want to die there, he still had a whole collection of Happy Meal toys left to collect. "He'll shoot me!! Help!!"

"I mean it!!!" Yamucha yelled, keeping is Mini-Kill-O-Matic firmly on Ford Perfect's forehead.

Ikuko stopped moving forward but Sailor Pluto just looked at him with a wry grin on her face. "Go ahead, we don't need him any more!" Pluto answered in a casual tone as she started to walk away from Yamucha.

"WHAT!!" Both men exclaimed in a panic, "But...But..But.."

"The Ford we wanted to keep aliveh as left the building and you won't be bothering him what with your Vogons and the Kargons soon to be out of the picture" Pluto replied with a rather cocky smile on her face. A smile that someone usually had on when the beat someone at a game.

The large ball of white energy that flew up from the sky at the exact coordinates of the Vogon ship and the Kargon armada confirmed that he had indeed lost. Completely and Horribly...

They had him in check, and he would soon be in checkmate.

And if he didn't do something soon he would be dead, either by a young girl's magic attack or by a Vogon using his head for a came of BASHSMASH. Of course he had a back up plan to use in case he was put into this situation. And the plan was a real good one too...

He slowly dropped the gun from Ford's head and pushed him into the Senshi. That should buy him enough time to pull off phase one, which should be enough to destroy the puny planet.

"YAMUCHA!! I'll get you for what you did!" Ikuko yelled as she started glowing a white aura. Suddenly Yamucha had a clear idea why the lady was acting crazy earlier and why she would know about the Vogons.

It was Queen Serenity, even though Yamucha killed her in the past, and she was none too happy with him.

"Die!!!" A beam of white light was fired from Ikuko and impacted into Yamucha, enveloping him. And as he was surrounded by the light, fading into nothingness, Yamucha just couldn't help but think what a prick fate was.

"It's over," Ikuko, Queen Serenity, sighed as she whipped her forehead, "But I still have a few more things to do on the moon. I'll meet you there soon."

"Not for a couple of years at least," Sailor Pluto smiled, "I've got to act like a helpless victim for a few years before I can meet you up there."

"I guess you do.."

"Tell Sailor Pluto I'll be coming to pick up my stuff soon!!" Naru exclaimed as she started to disappear, probably going back to her original time. After all she needed to live the next few years of her life.

"Well Sailor Saturn, do you want to come along too?" Ikuko asked, getting a good look at the young girl. She never really knew Sailor Saturn back in her time, back in the Silver Millennium. That was something she was planning to change.

"But what about Ford and these people?"

Ikuko paused, before she filled the room with a dull white glow. "They'll forget everything, and for all of Ford's trouble he'll get an all you can eat Happy Meal."

"Well that should tie up all of the lose ends."

"Not really, we still have one more to tie up." Ikuko smiled as the two of them faded away.

****

Not much else remains to be told in the story, though there are a few points left to be touched on.

The Kargons armada was hit by the Sailor Planet Attack and quickly destroyed. Not a trace of the fleet remained, and thus the home planet was left defense less. Soon after the Sirrius cooperation set up a home office on the planet (because it offered no resistance to the invading army) and thus the Kargons began to label the entire Earth experience a really big accident that they would rather forget.

An accident they wished never to repeat again.

Ford Perfect remained on the planet and continued to eat Happy Meals for another year before he died, from a lack of nutrition. Still, he wished all of his Happy Meal toys would be buried with him and that a Happy Meal toy would be made after him. The first wish was fulfilled, but the second wasn't because Ford's death had caused the downfall of McDonalds. People soon found that they needed a healthier fast food alternative and decided to switch to KFC.

The Cleaner failed to destroy the super computer before it computed it's answer, but he is still at work trying to infect another computer.

Osaka Naru went back to the past and lived her life as normally as she could, despite the fact that she was constantly attacked by monsters. Although Sailor Moon never noticed it, it has been whispered that Naru had a rather wry grin on her face at the start of every attack.

And the Sailor Senshi are still at work, defending Earth from all sorts of monsters and weird stuff. Even though they have one more Sailor Pluto than the used to have....

The End.

****

Epilogue 1 (In the Sea of Serenity, shortly after the defeat of Yamucha and his Vogons)

Ikuko sighed as she looked at the ruins of her former palace, or what remained of them. Not much was left of the once great Kingdom except dust and sand, that and the computer terminal she was now using. She hoped it held the final clue to all of this chaos and some help on how to explain herself to Usagi. Her memory was still swiss cheese really, and she wondered if some of her memories where real.

"The Computer is saying something!!" Hotaru pointed out as the screen flashed to life. Slowly text flooded the screen as it started to boot up. A few seconds letter the screen was blank before a single sentence filled the screen.

'Failsafe Ford Prefect Replaced-Faulty Program Eliminated' 'Backup Plan Dent is now insured, Primary Task safe'

"Hmm..So that Ford Perfect was a virus infected fail safe," Ikuko muttered to herself. She knew about the organic computer, it was the reason she sent herself to the future instead of dying as Queen Serenity. She had to protect her daughter from the people that would infect the computer.

"It's starting up again, look!!" Hotaru yelled as a bunch of graphics filled the screen. Ikuko quickly knew what they where, in fact she was probably the only person who knew how to translate them. "Do you know what they mean Ikuko?" Hotaru asked.

Ikuko just grimaced, she now knew why the Computer had summoned her to the Terminal on that very day. It wasn't just to help save the planet Earth from harm, she was to be used for some other purpose. A purpose she agreed with, but didn't want to spend time doing.

She wanted to spend time with Kenjii, perhaps go to the Effiel tower finally. She also wanted to see Shingo and Usagi marry and have grand kids. And she wanted to be able to take long walks on the beach with Kenjii when he retired. All in all she wanted to be normal, not Serenity. Not again.

At least she knew why she had a love/hate relationship with the tower. She loved it because of Kenjii, but she hated it because deep down it would mark the end of an old life. She would still have time to spend with Kenjii, but she would also be working towards something else. Something bigger...

"Ikuko?"

"I'm fine," Ikuko muttered, "It was just thinking of a few things. Anyway the read out goes something like this. 'Secondary task required to correctly completre primary task started. Construction of the Computer called 'Crystal Tokyo' started, OS used 'Serenity-Ver 3.12', to be completed using help from Serenity 3.0 along with the Senshi Browser.'"

"What...What is that!?"

"It's the computer being built to replace Earth," Ikuko replied, "Sigh, I really hate Odangos!!!" She really did, she despised them with all of her heart.

But then nobody ever seemed to listen to her....

****

Epilogue Part 2 (Sometime in the distant Future)

It was a rather nice house really, even though it did look kind of bland.

But Arthur thought it was kind of nice, and since since he owned the house his opinion was the only one that mattered. Not the opinions of his drinking buddies, nor the opinion of the construction foreman who just happened to want to destroy his house today.

"Come on chap, it's a rather dingy old house!!" The foreman tried to explain, all the while pushing away the visions of him slicing this Dent into itty pitty pieces with a sword. He tended to have visions like that when he ever he got angry at someone, though he never acted on them. He would of liked to though, especialy with the way this Dent fellow was acting.

"No, I wasn't informed about the freeway to be built here. You have no ground to stand on! The Judge won't stand for it!!"

"Bloody hell, you had enough time to look at the papers, they where in City Hall!!"

"In a unlighted room in an obscure corner in the basement of an abandoned city building" Arthur yelled as he put yet another nail into the coffin of responsible civic government, if there was such a thing in the first place. He needed some help, any kind of help really...

"Excuse me, But is something wrong here," Ford asked asked as he walked up the driveway, answering Arthurs prayers.

"Yes there is Ford, this man is trying to destroy my house!!!" Arthur yelled, still maintaining his position in front of the bulldozer. He dearly hoped Ford can talk him out destroying house, after all Ford did have a habit of manipulating people.

And after a few minutes of talk and negotiation, Ford got the upper hand much to Arthur's delight. At least it looked that with Ford wearing a big smile and the demolition guy wearing a huge frown. "Come on, let's go get a beer." Ford offered as he helped Arthur up from the mud.

"Thank you Ford, you saved my house!!!"

"Ah, it's no biggie!!"

"Yes it is, I owe you a big favor, and I'll repay it by buying a round of drinks for you!!!"

"Sure go ahead, though you'll be owing me another favor soon," Ford replied before Arthur's curious gaze stopped his reply further. Ford needed to get as much Alcohol into both of their systems quickly if they where going to get off the planet and he also need to get Arthur away from the house quickly.

After all the team was going to start destroying it in a few minutes.

But that didn't matter to Ford, houses where really a pointless thing when the world was about to be encased in Crystal thanks to some weird Black Moon cult thingy.

Not that Ford was planning to be a part of the nap time from hell, no he was going to hitch a ride off this back water planet quickly. And he only had one more thing to bring, thought he wondered why he was bringing it at all.

But then Ford thought it would be absolutely froody to hitchhike with an Earthman.

They did, after all, have good beer....

****