Life, the Universe and Gatchaman Episode 1 (by Briony Coote)

All the usual disclaimers. This fanfic is for fan purposes only and is not intended to violate any copyright. Characters are borrowed from Douglas Adams, Tatsunoko, Sandy Frank, Ted Turner, Saban and Matt Groening.

The fanfic is dedicated to the Brothers MedVed, the authors of those illuminating Golden Turkey Award books. The reasons for which will not as yet be revealed.

(For those who don’t know, those who need reminding, and those who have seen this a zillion times before but all want to see it again:)

The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is perhaps the most remarkable, certainly the most successful book ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of Ursa Minor - more popular than the "Celestial Care Home Omnibus", better selling than "53 More Things To Do In Zero Gravity," and more controversial than Oolon Coluphid’s trilogy of philosophical blockbusters: "Where God Went Wrong," "Some More of God’s Greatest Mistakes" and "Who is This God Person Anyway?"

And in many of the more relaxed civilisations on the Outer Eastern rim of the Galaxy, the Hitch Hiker’s Guide has already supplanted the Encyclopedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, because although it has many omissions, contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important ways. First, it is slightly cheaper, and second, it has the words "DON’T PANIC" inscribed in large, friendly letters on the cover.

(Now to get on with the story, whatever that may be)

Fit the First: LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND GATCHAMAN.

By Briony Coote

The planet Selectro is the most infamous planet in the entire Moogly Quadrant of the Andromeda Galaxy. For thousands of years the Selectrans conquered, demolished and commercialised every single planet in the Moogly Quadrant until the entire Moogly Quadrant was completely cluttered with all the debris from all the planets they had demolished and they ran out of every excuse they could possibly think of for commercialising planets. By this time they had become rather bored with the whole idea of commercialising planets anyway so they turned to playing skittles with all the debris they had accumulated and found it to be a much more satisfying game because they weren’t taxing their imaginations to find excuses for commercialising planets.

However there was one Selectran who couldn’t understand how the game of skittles worked and yearned for the good old days of commercialising planets. This was Soosai X, the Selectran with the lowest IQ on Selectro. However his fellow Selectrans told Soosai that commercialising a planet in the Moogly Quadrant was beyond his capability and advised him (while snickering loudly behind his back) to commercialise a small blue green planet in the Milky Way Galaxy where the ape-like descendants are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.

So off he went, completely unaware that his fellow Selectrans were collapsing and rolling with laughter. After they had stopped laughing, which took about ten years, they returned to their game of skittles.

However one Selectran was completely unaware that his ball was carrying a Hydro-Hyper-Reactor left over from the days when they were commercialising the planet Hypergas for its super-explosive hydrogen qualities. Owing to his bad aim it smashed right into the sun, wiping out the entire Moogly Quadrant and the planet Selectro. Now all that is left of the Moogly Quadrant is a mass of space-dust which prospectors are now looking at to commercialise for far more savoury purposes such as talcum powder.

Zaphod: Hey, no kidding? This stuff really makes good talcum powder? Almighty Zarquon, I could do with some decent talc!

Ford: (looking at Zaphod rather sharply) What’s wrong with the talcum powder Trillian gave you for Christmas?

Zaphod: THAT talcum powder? Belgium, man! (An even sharper look from Ford at this) There is no way the Great Zaphod Beeblebrox is going to smell like lavender!

Zaphod Beeblebrox the Fourth: (spinning wildly in his grave) No, you make a pig’s ear of your life and smell like a rose.

Ford: Oh Almighty Zarquon...(thoroughly tired of hearing that for the millionth zillionth time) Isn’t there anything you don’t find awful, Marvin?

Marvin: I’m much too intelligent to even consider that question. There’s only one thing that’s worth considering within ten parsecs of myself and that’s me.

Zaphod: now that stuff’s real talcum powder for the Great Zaphod Beeblebrox! Look at it glowing and glittering...and swirling...and taking shape and...COMPUTER!

Eddie: (computing) Uh, guys, all those bits and pieces of those Selectrans have joined together and turned into a giant can of talcum powder!

Zaphod: Hey dig this! A Great Can of Talcum Powder all for the Great Zaphod Beeblebrox!

Marvin: I’m glad I have no sense of smell. Being surrounded by nothing but awfulness is bad enough without smelling it as well.

(Arthur comes onto the deck) Where’s the teapot? Is there any tea left on this spaceship?

Eddie: we’re in orbit above the planet Earth. All that tea has turned into seaweed and that talcum powder into barnacles. Improbability factor of...

Zaphod: Planet Earth? Where that dude Soosai went to commercialise? Hey, I wonder how he could commercialise a bunch of monkeys?

Zaphod: Say, you got that book on you? Maybe it’s got something on that Soosai-thingy.

Book: To achieve his aim of commercialising the Earth Soosai X, the least intelligent Selectran on Selectro has founded Galactor, an organisation of Earth people selected from the least intelligent of the ape-like descendants of the planet Earth, presumably because they made him look intelligent by comparison. The Galactors spend much of their time playing pointless games with curious machines which resemble the most primitive life-forms on the planet Earth, probably because these life-forms look more advanced than the Galactors are. However these games are becoming something of a nuisance to the people of Earth, particularly to insurance companies who are tired of being buried in mountains of insurance claims that are twenty miles high which always ensued from these games. So a team of five Earth people was created. This team is called Science Ninja Team, more commonly known as Gatchaman, or even more common, as G-Force, so that Galactor would have someone to play with. The Gatchaman team are readily identifiable, for in deference for their whimsically- dressed Galactor playmates, are dressed in equally whimsical bird suits.

The games follow are fairly simple pattern with the Galactor machine destroying a few minor things such as the Van Allen Belt of planet Earth, the Gatchaman team engaging the Galactor machine in a rather pointless game of missiles and the Galactor machine invariably exploding for whatever reason the script writers of Gatchaman come up with. It is advised for any observers to stay away from these games as much as possible because insurance companies will not accept any more claims resulting from these games since many of their fellow companies have died of asphyxiation from being smothered in the aforementioned mountains of twenty-mile high insurance claims.

Marvin: Semi-evolved ape-like descendants dressed like birds? The birds of planet Earth must be so depressed.

Zaphod: Computer! Does the insurance on this ship happen to cover damage from Galactor games?

Eddie: (Still coughing) Insurance cover has *cough* lapsed because the premiums weren’t paid.

Zaphod: Oh, yeah. Well, if we’re not covered, we’d better get out of here. Maximum improbability!

Jinpei: This is the Great Swallow Jinpei of the Science Ninja Team to the Galactor ship! Lay down your barnacles and seaweed or the Great Swallow Jinpei will blast you out of the sky!

Narrator: Have our heroes survived being overwhelmed by lavender and being drenched by tea only to be blasted out of the sky by an immature semi-evolved ape-like descendant who imagines himself to be a Great Big Swallow? How exactly does Soosai X hope to commercialise the Earth with machines which resemble primitive life forms? Is he commercialising the Earth at all, for that matter or confusing the whole issue with a game of skittles? Tune into the next episode of Life, the Universe and Gatchaman and find out.

Postscript: Lavender-scented tea is now supplanting ordinary tea in easy-to-swallow capsules at most Megamarkets.