Fit the Fifth: LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND GATCHAMAN.

By Briony Coote

Book: According to the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, one of the most infamous incidents of modern Galactic times has been the Gronfeyberry Pickers Strike of Fulamanix VII. The pickers had grown tired of picking gronfeyberries for 25 hours a day (their day being approximately 35 Earth hours long) at the rate of 2 talis an hour, one tali being the rough equivalent of one coffee bean. The final straw finally came when the Gronfeyberry Grower ordered them to double their efforts. "You mean, work 50 hours a day?" asked the workers, to which the Grower replied: "I'm a sadist, not mathematician!" Next day the Gornfeyberry Grower was dumbounded to find his workers had barricaded themelves into the gronfeyberry fields, refusing to work and consuming a thousand gronfeyberries an hour until either their rates of pay were increased to 40 talis an hour or they be provided with an expresso coffee machine. The strike began peacefully enough, but strikes by nature tend to get out of hand when the two sides cannot agree on their terms, so when the Grower said he would only provide them with instant coffee, the workers responded by pelting the Gronfeyberry Grower and then the King of Fulamanix VII with gronfeyberries. The King was not pleased by this, nor was his wife later on when she saw the stains on his shirt which would never come out in the wash. So the King ordered his troops to set fire on the workers, who in turn set fire to all the gronfeyberry fields on Fulamanix VII, thereby wiping out all the gronfeyberries on Fulamanix VII. In the aftermath the workers were left without a decent cup of coffee, the Grower was left without his livelihood and the King was left without his best shirt.

The events on Fulamanix VII serve as an example that strikes can get out of hand if the two sides do not reach a peaceful settlement but the strikers which Ford Prefect and his friends are now watching have not heard of the Gronfeyberry Pickers Strike. Their names are Ace Goodheart and Dirk Daring. They work for the television sanitiser known as Ted Turner and they are striking for better working conditions and a change of name or they will blast everybody with Ted Turner's infamous backbeat music.

SWAT: Goodheart (smirks despite himself at the name) you can't be serious!

Goodheart: I mean what I said! Give us some decent names, decent stories and get rid of that backbeat music or we blast you with the music that sounds like Chinese Water Torture!

SWAT: You wouldn't!

Goodheart: Oh yes we would!

Daring: I think we would!

Both: Yes we would!

SWAT: Listen, Goodheart, Daring, why can't you change your own names?

Goodheart: Because this is television! You get stereotyped-

Daring: Typecast!

Goodheart: You can't get away from it! You're stuck with that role, that name, no matter how hard you try to get away from it!

Daring: You're buried in that role! The only way you can get away from it is when the viewers let you!

Goodheart: So we're demanding that people let us break away from our roles as Ace Goodheart and Dirk Daring!

Daring: Yeah, I'd rather call myself Buck Rogers.

Goodheart: But Dirk, there's somebody typecast as Buck Rogers.

Daring: Oh, yeah, that's right.

Goodheart: So anyway, we're demanding we be allowed to change our names or we blast the city with this backbeat music.

Ted Turner: Go ahead and blast, Goodheart! I must warn you, though, that I have summoned the aid of yet another television sanitiser to sanitise youir insanity!

Goodheart: And who might this sanitiser be, Turner?

Turner: Saban Sanitisers!

Goodheart: Saban Sanitisers? Oh, no, you can't mean...

Turner: Yes! I have enlisted the aid of the Saban Turkey Writers!

(And over at Saban Sanitisers)

Hunter Haggis: Joe, critics' report.

Joe Flanks: All Turkey Writers panned and blasted.

Haggis: Kelly, what's our ratings status?

Kelly Junk: All ratings zilch and plummeting.

Haggis: Mickey, lampoon status.

Mickey Doo-Doo: Lampoon sharp and cutting.

Haggis: Ollie, what's our Golden Turkey?

Ollie Kleenix: Golden Turkey plotted and laying.

Haggis: Turkey Writers, what's our mission?

Reply: To write the biggest Golden Turkeys!

Book: The Turkey Writers are, of course, the worst script writers on the planet Earth. Their most infamous has been the story of an alien called Vorax, who, like most other aliens seen on Earth television wants to conquer the planet Earth for no apparent reason. Like most other aliens Vorax to recruit an Earth human whose IQ is not high enough for them to realise that there are far more satisfying and succesful careers than being servant to an alien whose plans for conquest are always doomed to failure in the world of television. For this purpose Floorwax recruited a clown who was turned down at clown school because his laughter was too irritating to be funny and was advised to seek work on television since his laughter was perfect for the job. However the clown needed a name that would strike terror into everyone's hearts after due consideration Vorax decided that the name Melonhead would be most appropriate.

Such writing talent would hardly seem to create promising careers but Saban Sanitisers has nonetheless recruited the services of the Turkey Writers to rewrite television srcipts to sanitise violence, their logic being that if people can write such scripts, they can rewrite anything. The Turkey Writers' method of operations is to fly to scenes of threatening violence and defuse the violence by reading out their scripts. Such scripts have caused people to die of internal hemorrhaging or throw themselves out the window but never to turn their television sets off. These effects, of course, are never shown on television, the Turkey Writers being the ones who rewrite the reports which will later be broadcast on television. The Turkey Writers are forever panned by the critics, their ratings plummet to absolute zero and still falling they nevertheless have one useful purpose; their scripts are invaluable material for clown schools and "Melonheading" is a popular sport among satirists.

Haggis: Listen to me, Goodheart and Daring! You either surrender peacefully or we're going to read you our latest script. It's our biggest turkey yet!

Goodheart: Even bigger than the alien invaders who kidnap a rock group and blast cities with music so awful it makes our backbeat music sound like Mozart?

Flanks: Yes, it's a much bigger turkey than that!

Daring: Even bigger than the incomparible dog about a hunky hero who stepped on a puppy?

Junk: Oh yes! Much bigger than that!

Doo-doo: I wrote this turkey myself. It's about alien invaders who use these great big cows to attack the planet Earth (Goodheart and Daring wince). They've all got mad cow disease and the people of Earth are in a panic because they've got no beef for their hamburgers and their hamburger joints will have to close down...

Goodheart: Fire the backbeat music!

Ford: No, stop! Everybody, stop and listen to me!

All: Who the hell are you?!?

Ford: My name's Ford Prefect and my companions are Zaphod Beeblebrox the Sixth-

Zaphod: THE Zaphod Beeblebrox the Sixth. The most important person in the entire Universe and the hippiest as well. I'm so hip I have trouble seeing over my left side!

Ford: And this is Arthur Dent and Marvin the Paranoid Android.

Arthur: Is there any tea around here?

Marvin: I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.

Zaphod: Hey, Marvin, anybody would be with these froods and their sanitising.

Turkey Writers: (very indignantly) Now look here! Our job is to sanitise the violence on television. If there is one slightest bit of violence we step in and sanitise it. It is an honourable profession, television sanitising is.

Goodheart/Daring: Yes, we may not like our names or the backbeat music but we must agree that television sanitising is a most honourable profession!

Ford: No, you've got it wrong! Your job isn't to sanitise violence!

All Sanitisers: (Astonished) It's not?

Ford: Your job is to inflict torture on your viewers! Robots that clean windows fifty times a day, backbeat music that sounds like Chinese Water Torture, Golden Turkey scriptwriting! That can't be anything but torture and it's far more agonising than the violence you're supposed to be sanitising! Sanitising the violence is just an excuse to insert the torture that is meant to insult the viewers' intelligence...

Zaphod: Make them scream in agony...

Arthur: Make them writhe on the floor...

Ford: Make them jumo out of the window...

Marvin: Make them feel very depressed...

Ford: But why do they go on watching television? Why don't they just turn the television off? Why don't they just get rid of the television altogether? Why? I'll tell you why! It's because you get a kick out of it!

Arthur: We get a kick out of it?

Ford: Well, Arthur, if somebody offered you a book on the Fifty Best Movies of All Time and the Fifty Worst Movies of All Time, which would you take?

Arthur: I...er...

Ford: You'd take the book on the Fifty Worst Movies of All Time, wouldn't you? And do you know why? Because you Earth humans find talking about movies you hate far more enjoyable than talking about the ones that you love!

Arthur: Ford, really!

Ford: It's true, isn't it? How else do you explain the phenomena of bad movie fanatics and the brothers MedVed making a fortune out of books like "The Golden Turkey Awards"?

Zaphod: But, Ford, why this business of television sanitisers? Why hire these zeebs to sanitise violence on television with stuff that's so bad it's torture?

Ford: Because, Zaph, someone is commercialising that strange human quirk of getting a kick out of bad movies and creating the television sanitisers to insert stuff that makes television so bad that viewers get a big kick out of watching it. That way, people will keep buying television sets, keep watching television and the television business will stay in business.

Zaphod: But who? Who could it be?

Ford: I can think of only one person...well, it actually isn't a person, it's a blue chicken...

Zaphod: A blue chicken?!?

Arthur: You can't mean...

Ford: Yes, I mean...

Soosai X: How very clever of you, Ford Prefect!

Zaphod: Soosai X? The least intelligent Selectran of the planet Selectro?

Arthur: He's behind the television sanitisers? The torture of Zarking, the backbeat music that sounds like Chinese Water Torture, the Golden Turkey Writers?

Soosai X: I am indeed!

Everybody: BUT...BUT...WHY???

Soosai: I was deemed the least intelligent Inhabitant of the Planet Selectro! My fellow Selectrans all laughed at me, they told me I was not intelligent enough to commericalise anything in the Andromeda Galaxy. So they sent me here, to a small blue green planet circling an unregarded yellow sun...(Zaphod smirks as Arthur looks uncomfortable)

Ford: Yes, yes, we know all that! Now why don't you get to the point?

Soosai X: I had noted the odd human quirk of gaining more satisfaction out of movies they despise than movies they adore and I have taken advantage of it to show my fellow Selectrans that I can commercialise as well as they do and do it in a far more ingenious way than they have ever done! I have founded the business of television sanitising to insert material to satisfy the human quirk for the terrible viewing they love to despise! I have created tortures that surpass the torture of the Total Perspective Vortex and made this planet the most notorious in the Galaxy for the Tortures of Zarking, Backbeat Music that Sounds Like Chinese Water Torture, the Golden Turkey Writers! I have succeeded in my mission! I have proved that I am not the least intelligent inhabitant of the planet Selectro and I can commercialise as well as the rest of them! Only being of immense cunning and intelligence can achieve such an insiduous piece of commercialising as this...

LOUD CLICK.

THE SCREEN GOES BLANK

(Harry Medved stares at his brother Michael)

Harry: Michael, I can't believe it!

Michael: What?

Harry: You turned the TV off! Here we are, watching the biggest turkey we've ever seen on TV and you turn the set off!

Michael: I suddenly got an attack of good taste.

Harry: Well, who gets our Golden Turkey for "The Most Preposterous Concept for an Outer Space Monster"?

Michael: Soosai X. Definitely. An alien that looks like a *blue chicken*? That's even dumber than gorillas with space helmets on their heads!

Harry: Peewee wins the Golden Turkey for "Most Laughable Name for a Cartoon Character." And we're unanimous that Zark wins the Golden Turkey for "Most Ridiculous Robot."

Michael: Definitely!!!

Harry: But we still haven't decided on who gets the Golden Turkey for "The Greatest Golden Turkey for an Animated Cartoon." I thought "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" came pretty close but after that Golden Turkey of a Mad Cow Episode...

Michael: Let's keep it at "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians," shall we? The Mad Cow never made it to the screen, thank goodness. Well, that just abour wraps up the latest edition of our book "The Golden Turkey Awards." We'll get it off to the printers in the morning.

LOUD KNOCK AT THE DOOR. IN WALK BERG KATSE, GEL SADRA AND EGOBOSSLER WHO TAKE A LOOK AT THE MANUSCRIPT.

Berg Katse: Look, Gel Sadra! You've won the Golden Turkey for most "Most Laughable Cartoon Villain of all time"! So you thought I was the fool, huh? (bursts into his infamous laughter).

Gel Sadra: Oh, yeah? Well I've got news for you, Berg Katse! You've won the Golden Turkey for the "Most Number of Times a Cartoon Villain gets called a Fool"!

Berg Katse: How many times was that?

Gel Sadra: Forty-two.

Katse: Forty-two?!? Why do we keep bumping into that number?

Egobossler: Say, I haven't won a Golden Turkey. I wonder why?

Berg Katse: Because you're not a stupid enough cartoon villain. Your villainous schemes are actually intelligent!

Michael: Er...excuse me...

All three: Yes?

Michael: Would the pair of you like a drink? (Offers them drinks)

Katse: Why, thank you!

They take the drinks and promptly collapse on the floor, writhing in agony. Harry has to call an ambulance to take them away.

Harry: What drink was THAT?

Michael: It's called a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. The effect is supposed to be like having your brain smashed out by a brick wrapped in a lemon, or something like that.

Half an hour later Katse and Co. wake up to find themselves in padded cell already occupied by a strange man...

Strange man: Oh dear, oh dear, what is that strange speck of dust on the window? Oh, it's only a strange speck of dust. What a relief. I thought it might be a new weapon from the planet Spectra...

Katse: Shut that bloody fool up! He's driving me nuts with his endless babble about how worried he is, all those specks of dust on the windows...

Gel Sadra: I don't think we can. Unless I am very much mistaken, that is Sandy Frank, who is now incurably insane after being Zarked indefinitely.

Egobossler: And now he's going to drive US insane!

Gel Sadra: I thought we already were.

Katse: Yes, but that was nice, respectable cartoon villain insanity. This is utterly inane insanity, full of endless drivel that is supposed to be called television sanitising!

(They wince and groan in agony as Sandy Frank zarks ad lib...)

Meanwhile, on the starship Heart of Gold, Ford is reading the reply to his report with the deepest satisfaction.

Zaphod: The Editor is pleased with your report?

Ford: He says everybody at the Guide read through my report without their heads exploding.

Zaphod: So it must be right. It was that Soosai X dude all along.

Ford: Yes. He invented television sanitising to commercialise that odd human quirk of getting a kick out of bad movies. But now his evil empire of television sanitisers inflicting torture in the name of sanitisation has finally been brought down...

Zaphod: When someone finally showed good judgement...

Ford: And turned off their television set. (He smiles indulgently and picks up his copy of "The Golden Turkey Awards" by the Brothers MedVed.)

THE END