Disclaimer: These characters, etc., belong to the powers that be, and I’m not making any money period, not from this, not from anywhere.

Note: Hey, I almost never indulge in a self-insertion. Lemme have my fun. ^_~

Unexplained Crossover #1:
Gone Drinkin’

by Darth Maligna

"What’ll it be?"

"Corellian Ale," Obi-Wan Kenobi told the female bartender as he sat down on a stool in the Black Bantha Cantina on one of the seedier levels of Coruscant.

The bartender slid a glass to him and asked, "You okay? You look terrible."

"My master is driving me nuts."

"I hear ya," another person butted in from a couple of stools down.

"Yeah, Maul here’s got the king of all crappy masters."

"He wants to take over the galaxy," Maul explained, downing a big quaff of his beer. Just then another guy sat down between him and Obi-Wan. The bartender nearly fell over as she looked from him to Maul and back again. She blinked and shook her head.

"I know what that’s like," the newcomer commented as he signaled for a beer. "Mine wants to take over the world, the bloody sod. Wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t drag us around in public in a purple helmet and cape."

The other three groaned.

"Mine wants to open an adoption agency for pathetic lifeforms," Obi-Wan complained into his glass.

"Masters," Maul said incredulously. "Who needs ‘em?"

"I’ll drink to that," Obi-Wan said. The three raised their glasses and downed their drinks. Another bar stool screeched across the floor as a newly arrived customer sat down.

"Mind if I join ya?" one of the guy’s heads asked as the other one ordered a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

"More the merrier," Obi-Wan said flippantly.

"Name’s Zaphod Beeblebrox," the newcomer told them.

"Obi-Wan Kenobi."

"Darth Maul."

"Toad."

"Darth Maligna," the bartender said as she handed him his drink. She then turned her attention to Toad and Maul.

"So, are you two like... related, or something?"

"No. Why?" they asked in unison.

"Oh, no reason."

"Round of Romulan Ales," a new voice said as its owner sat down on the other side of Zaphod.

"Hey, Pointy." Zaphod held out his hand.

"My name is Spock," the stranger shot back bitterly.

"Whatever."

Spock took his drink and let his head drop onto the bar.

"You okay?" Obi-Wan inquired.

"Just sulking in the knowledge that I’m probably going to spend my entire shore leave getting myself intoxicated in a sleazy bar."

"What, you in the navy o’ somethin’?" Toad asked.

"More like running the navy and not getting any credit for it."

"Eh? You an admiral?"

"No, first officer under the most incompetent captain in Starfleet. The guy’s a womanizer, an imbecile, and wears a terrible toupee, and whenever we’re on away missions I’m always the one who ends up doing all the thinking and saving his ass from some danger that could have been avoided altogether if not for the fact that he’s completely ignorant of everyone and everything with the exception of scantily-clad Orion slave girls."

"Zappo," Zaphod said dryly.

"Here, have another drink," Maligna said, handing him a shot glass. Spock nodded gratefully and downed it.

"So I says to him, I says, I goes... I says, I goes to him... Ah, never mind, I forgot," Zaphod sputtered and then took a drink of his sixth Gargle Blaster of the evening.

"True, true..." Toad mused.

Maul finished off his beer and grinned stupidly. "Bartender," he slurred, "I’ll have a Bud... a Bud... weiser."

Toad stood up, trying in vain to look taller than he really was, and snatched at Maul’s collar. He missed, and grabbed a handful of the front of his tunic instead. He tried to point an accusatory finger at the Sith Lord, but couldn’t figure out which one of the several Mauls he was seeing was the real one.

"Hey, pal, dat’s (hiccup) my line!"

"Huh?" everyone exclaimed in accord. Toad just sat down, giggling ferociously, and put his head down on the bar, staring at the little bubbles rising from the bottom of his drink.

"Hey, Kenobi." Zaphod reeled over the bar, pointing his index finger more or less at Obi-Wan.

"Yeah?"

"I challenge you to a (hiccup) ...a drinking game!"

"Okay... how do you phlay?

"I take this here botthle of Ol’ Janx Spirit and put it here like this." Zaphod place a largish bottle of a vile-looking substance between him and Obi-Wan. His hand knocked over the bottle as he withdrew it.

"’S it supposed to be lyin’ down like that?" Obi-Wan asked as the alcohol spilled out onto the countertop.

"Nah," Zaphod said. "Somebody should really probably pick it up."

"Aww, man!" Maligna exclaimed as she rushed over, picked up the bottle, and started to mop up the stuff on the counter.

"Hmm," Obi-Wan said simply.

"Okay, now, da way that you play is ya concentrate on da bottle and ya try ta tip it into your uhh... what’s the word? Ah, never mind, the other guy’s glass, but you can only use your mind." Zaphod tapped his right temple with his index finger.

"Why would I wanna tip it inta your glass?"

"’Cause you want me to have ta drink it."

"But I wanna drink it."

"Good point. We’ll just try ta tip it inta our own glasses, then."

"Right."

They lapsed into silence as they concentrated on moving the bottles with telepathy. Obi-Wan would have easily won if not for the fact that he was dead smashed. Suddenly, Toad reached over, picked up the glass, poured the remainder of the contents into his own glass, and drank the liquid in one gulp.

"I win!" he cried gleefully.

"Hey!" the other two shouted. Spock reached over and neck pinched Toad, who subsequently fell off his stool unconscious. The other patrons kicked him around quite a bit as they walked by, until Maligna heaved a sigh and dragged him around to behind the bar to prevent any permanent damage.

"Mistair Spock! What in blazes are you doin’ ‘ere?!"

"Oh, hey, Squatty!" Spock grinned like an idiot at his ship’s engineer, who had just entered the bar.

"My God, and you’re drunk!"

"I’m not drunk, I’ve just had a (hiccup) few too many Romulan Ales is all."

"Romulan Ale?! How many times ‘ave I gotta tell ya’?! Scotch is a real man’s drink!"

"So if I drink Scotch, I’ll finally turn into a real man, right, Gepetto?"

"All right, back ta the ship! The Cap’n is gonna be fuming!"

"Ah, you know what? Screw the captain! Who needs a captain?"

"Mistair Spock, that’s treason!"

"Treashon, smeashon!"

"Come on, you’re coming with me!"

"How about just one for the road?"

"No!" Scotty grabbed Spock by the collar and dragged him out of the cantina.

"So, I’ll see ya later then!" Zaphod called after them. There was a groan from behind the counter as Toad appeared and clumsily climbed over the bar, nearly knocking over Maul’s drink. He slumped back onto his chair just as Maligna walked over from another part of the pub.

"Okay," she addressed them, "I think you boys have had e--"

"You know what?" Maul interrupted her drunkenly. "You’re a fine-lookin’ woman. What say you and me head back to my place?"

"Ohhh, no you don’t!" Toad slurred at him, once again grabbing for his collar but missing completely. "She’s comin’ home with me!"

"Oh yeah? Who died and made you king of the bar?"

"You will!" Toad made a fist and went for his face. He missed and they both went toppling over in a heap on the floor. Maligna leaned over the bar and cringed.

"Umm... how about you guys call me when you’re sober?"

"Stay out of this!" they shouted in unison. Maligna raised an eyebrow but left them alone. She turned to Obi-Wan and Zaphod, who were still engaged in a mental tug of war over the bottle of Janx Spirit, completely disregarding the fact that it was empty.

"Guys?"

No response.

"Guys?"

"Shh!" Obi-Wan exclaimed, never taking his eyes off the bottle.

"We’re trying to concentrate!" Zaphod hissed.

"How about you take your game outside?"

"We could, but it would be much simpler just to stay in here, wouldn’t it?" Zaphod countered matter-of-factly.

"I... err... well..."

The bottle suddenly tipped over in Obi-Wan’s direction, knocking over his shot glass. Both of the items rolled off the bar and shattered on the floor.

"Ow!" Toad yelled.

"Sorry." Zaphod grinned cheesily at the two opponents who were still locked in combat on the ground. The door to the by now almost-empty pub swung open, and a big guy in Jedi robes entered. Everyone stopped what he or she was doing.

"Obi-Wan!" he shouted. Kenobi gasped and almost fell off his stool.

"Oh, hi, Master!" he stuttered, scared into soberness.

"What do you think your doing?!"

"Err... these are my friends, Zaphod and Maligna, and that’s Maul and Toad down there on the floor." Toad and Maul paused, looked up, and, never letting go of the strangleholds they had on each other, shot Qui-Gon identical cheesy grins.

"You’re not even legal drinking age yet, Obi-Wan!"

"Umm..."

Maligna’s eyes went wide. She quickly went off to find something else to attend to in some other part of the bar. Qui-Gon grabbed Obi-Wan by the collar and dragged him out of the bar.

"See ya later, alligator!" Zaphod yelled after him.

"Bye!" Maul and Toad yelled, and then went back to beating the stuffing out of each other.

Eventually, Zaphod decided it was time to go find his traveling companions and left. Maligna closed up the bar and wondered what to do with the two remaining guys who were passed out on the floor. She finally decided just to bring them home with her. Besides, she figured, it could have its advantages once they sobered up... Maligna grinned evilly and left.