Disclaimer: These characters belong to the powers that be and I make no money off of them. Thank you for not suing me!

Note: Well, I was really bored so I turned on Microsoft Word one day and this suddenly emerged from the innermost depths of my unconscious. I don’t know why or how, but I’m frightened too. I didn’t set out to write a sequel to "Gone Drinkin’", but that’s what I ended up with.

Unexplained Crossover #2:
Pointlessness

by Darth Maligna

One boring Saturday night, several people were sitting around in the Black Bantha Pub on Coruscant with absolutely nothing of any importance, significance, or relevance to anything to do. The group included the author’s usual crew; Toad, Obi-Wan Kenobi (the young one, only with the hair he had in Velvet Goldmine... what? You didn’t know that?), Darth Maul, Zaphod Beeblebrox, Spock, and the author herself in addition to Ford Prefect, Arthur Dent, Wolverine, and Darth Vader.

They sat at the bar and stared at one another.

"Umm..." Toad ventured. "Why are we here?"

"I don’t know," Arthur stated simply as he stared warily at the drink Darth Maligna had just handed him because she had nothing better to do.

"To get drunk," said Zaphod.

"And dance," added Ford.

"No," Maligna told them, because she knew due to her almighty Powers of the Author. "We are here because it is 2:30 AM on the last Saturday of my winter break and I’m bored."

In unison, everyone said, "Ah," and lapsed back into silence. After about thirty seconds, Toad piped back up. He was apparently in the most talkative mood.

"Does anybody have any ideas about anything we can do?"

"Nope, bub," Wolverine said and slammed his empty beer bottle onto the counter. "Recycle this for me, will ya, bub?"

Everyone stared at him.

"Sorry, I’ve been spending too much time on Evolution. ...Bub."

"I have an idea-let’s try to get Maul and Obi to admit that they’re in love with each other!" Maligna suggested, grinning evilly.

"No!" Maul and Obi exclaimed a bit too quickly. Everyone turned to look at the two apprentices who uhh ha...ppened to be sitting right next to each other. They quickly scooted their stools farther apart and stared into their drinks.

"They’re not going to admit it," Vader said.

"There’s nothing to admit!" Obi and Maul snapped.

"I’ve got a better idea," the Sith Lord continued. Everyone waited expectantly as Vader grabbed himself a martini with the Force, tried to figure out a way to get it through his helmet, and gave up, throwing it over his shoulder. The glass conked an unsuspecting Jawa over by the billiards table on the head. "I know something about Maligna that nobody knows."

Darth’s eyes widened in shock for a split second before she regained her composure and slit them derisively at her Sith colleague. "You wouldn’t," she growled.

Vader noncommittally waved his hand and five blaster-rifle wielding Stormtroopers came marching into the bar. They stopped. "You mentally signaled, Lord Vader?" the one with an orange pad on his shoulder asked.

"Yes, at ease," Vader told him, turning back to the trembling bartender.

"No," Maligna breathed.

Vader managed to look smug despite his helmet. Maligna backed up against the counter full of empty glasses and trembled.

"I don’t get it," Arthur said.

"She’s afraid of Stormtroopers?" Spock asked, utilizing his characteristic patented single-eyebrow raise.

"No," Vader said. "She thinks they’re sexy."

"Nooooo!" Maligna screamed

"Search your feelings. You know it be true."

"Toad!" Maligna shrieked. "Slap me! Kiss me! I don’t care, just distract me!"

Toad was giggling too hard to do anything.

"All right, Vader! Who told you?"

"Why, TK-327 here," Vader answered in an unusually genial tone of voice, patting the nearest Stormtrooper to him on the shoulder. The troopers themselves were standing there looking around, not really sure of what to do.

Zaphod muttered, "I’m not even going to ask how he found that out."

Maligna thwapped him before turning to TK-327 and snapping, "I’m so going to kill you!" She started for him before the uniform melted her rage like butter.

Toad observed this and commented, "Okay, if that’s the way it is, I’m joining the Academy." This elicited another burst of giggles from the rest of the patrons.

Maligna was about to make a snide comment at him before the mental image of Mortimer in one of those shiny white uniforms stopped her. Obi-Wan, Vader, and Maul sensed this through the Force and began to laugh harder. Obi-Wan squirted some Scotch out his nose. Maul helped him wipe it off.

"I didn’t want to have to do this," Maligna said, grinning suddenly, "but you’ve pushed me to it, Vader."

Vader stopped laughing and sat stock-still.

"Lord Vader here, Dark Lord of the Sith and head of the Empire, is secretly dating Mon Mothma."

Everyone else burst into fresh rounds of laughter as Vader quivered with fury. "Who told you that?" he growled.

"TK-327."

Vader turned around and raised his hand. TK-327 grabbed his throat (somehow) and fell to the ground.

"Spock," Maligna ordered. "Neck pinch him."

Spock grabbed Vader’s shoulder and the Dark Lord fell to the floor, unconscious. Maligna helped the hapless Stormie back to his feet.

There was a tugging at Maligna’s sleeve. She turned to face Zaphod, who was laughing extremely hard but managed to get across that he wanted a round of Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters for everyone.

Fifteen minutes later, Logan got up from the bar, walked over to one of the Stormtroopers (who had sat down to get something to drink now that their boss was lying unconscious on the floor), and grabbed his helmet. The Stormie was revealed to look a lot like Matthew McConaughey, which made Maligna even dizzier than she already was. She prayed that nobody would notice; Toad did and felt a twinge of jealousy.

Wolverine put on the helmet and bounded across the bar and onto the dance floor where the DJ stopped and stared, and subsequently so did all of the people dancing. Wolverine said something inaudible to the DJ, who nodded and changed discs. Everyone either gasped, cringed, giggled, or a combination of all three as "Natural Woman" started up and Wolverine grabbed a spoon off a nearby table to use as a mock microphone and started singing along with the music, garbling up most of the words to the point of incomprehensibility.

The occupants of the bar watched this, giggling madly, for a few moments before they were distracted by the sound of a stool being pushed into the counter and turned just in time to see Ford and Arthur go crashing to the floor, drunkenly making out.

There was stunned silence in their small corner of the pub. They turned one by one to gape at the author, with the exception of Zaphod who was in a temporary state of shock.

Maligna forced a grin. "Well, I always wondered why I’d never seen any Ford/Arthur slash, but I didn’t think it would turn into this!"

"You’re a sad, strange little girl, you know that?" Obi-Wan told her.

"Who are you calling little, Kenobi? I’m taller than you!"

"Oh, yeah? Well... well... bite me!"

"Bite Maul!"

Maul looked uncomfortable and Obi-Wan fumed. He obviously wasn’t handling the Gargle Blaster very well (but then again, who does?); otherwise he would never have picked a fight with an author who could control his every move.

Maligna suddenly brightened. "Hey, that’s not such a bad idea!"

Maul and Obi-Wan’s eyes widened. "What isn’t such a bad idea?" they whimpered.

Maligna waved her hand and the two were dragged out the door by the invisible Author Force and into a cab.

The song ended and Wolverine stumbled drunkenly out the door, not remembering that he had followed Toad here and didn’t know how to get back to his own fandom and still wearing TK-327’s helmet.

TK-327, meanwhile, stopped grinning slyly at Maligna, who was trying desperately to avoid looking at him, as Vader regained consciousness and bellowed irritably, "Let’s go!" The Stormies all jumped to attention and marched out behind the Dark Lord.

Maligna heaved a sigh of relief, having noticed how upset Toad had been getting about the developments with the Troopers, whose amusing qualities wore thin quickly with him.

"I’d best be getting back to the Enterprise," Spock said. Being the only one with the decency to bother paying, he threw a few monetary units from his own galaxy onto the bar. Maligna didn’t bother to tell him that she could only really use Dataries.

The door burst open and the outline of a woman filled the doorway. "Zaphod!" she yelled. Zaphod jumped out of his stool, knocking it over.

"Hey, now look Trillian, you made me spill my Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. Not too hoopy," he told her. She didn’t hear him, being too busy gaping at Ford and Arthur. Sensing the eyes upon them, the two quickly untangled themselves and got up.

"I don’t want to know," said Trillian. Ford and Arthur shuffled out quietly.

"Well, Mortimer," Maligna said, hopping over the bar and wrapping one arm around his shoulders. "My shift’s over."

"All right, my stalker," Toad told her as she led him out.

"I’m not stalking you."

"Oh yeah, that’s right; you’re stalking TK-327."

"Shut up."