Javert's Guide to the Galaxy: Part 4

by Erin Vork

Javert wasn’t aware of which sensation he disliked becoming aware of more. The fact that he was lying on a cold, hard surface, the fact that something hard was poking into his side, or the fact that there was something else he couldn’t quite place. But it was very wrong, and it bothered him. With much difficulty, he pushed himself into a sitting position. And promptly fell back again upon examining his surroundings.

The next sensation he became aware of was Ford prodding him in the back. “Wake up!” he hissed. Javert grimaced and sat up. Despite that the unpleasantness of his surroundings had not changed, he was relieved to discover that the pain in his side, which was due to the fact that he had been lying on his nightstick, had eased. Testily, he picked the thing and hurled it across the room. It hit something on the opposite side with a heavy ‘thud,’ and a moment later, was hurled back at him accompanying a loud shriek of pain.

Javert scrambled to his feet and stuttered incoherently for a moment. “Wha....who....?....is..over...” he said without any real inflection. Ford shook his head and leaned against a wall.

“Don’t worry about it. Just a mattress,” he said, sliding slowly down the wall to come to a restful position on the floor.

Javert, for the moment, attempted to ignore the ludicrousness of Ford’s response. “All right, a mattress,” he muttered, then looked up. “Would you mind terribly if I asked you where we are?”

“Not at all,” Ford replied, looking very cool about this whole thing. “You might though.”

“Might I...” Javert answered just as coolly. “I’m think I’m willing to take my chances on that one Ford. Where the Hell are we?”

“Well that in itself is rather simple, isn’t it?” Ford responded, flashing one of his grins at Javert. “We’re in the cargo hold of a spaceship. And judging from the empty bottles and bad take out food, I’d say, just offhand mind you, that this was the spaceship of a particularly restless group of overly noble students. Poor bastards. I almost feel sorry for them.”

“Do you,” Javert murmured. This was about as articulate a response as he was prepared to give at the moment. This situation had gone far beyond the realms of anything he would previously have deemed strange and impossible, and at this point, any attempt he made to make sense out of it would be a fruitless and meaningless action.

“Not sorry enough to make me do anything about it mind you,” Ford continued. “They have the right idea, but the problem is, no one gives a pair of zarking dingo’s kidneys about it. That includes the president himself. And I happen to know that, as he told me so himself.”

“I really don’t know why they bother. Yes, the universe and the government that runs it is corrupt, but so is everyone living in it. The government is unpleasant and dishonest all around, but then, everyone else is unpleasant and dishonest right back. The government gains, the people gain. It makes for a rather nice mix all around. Most people get very annoyed at the sort of thing this lot just pulled off.”

“Do go back for a moment,” Javert said, suddenly remembering what it was that had been bothering him. “Exactly what was the sort of thing that this lot just pulled off, and cause many people to get quite annoyed by?”

“Destruction of planets, your Earth most recently. Especially for something as silly as their little barricade idea,” Ford laughed slightly. “Of course, no one will get terribly worked up about this one.”

Javert gaped. He could hardly believe what he had just heard. The Earth destroyed? It wasn’t possible, and he said so.

“Of course it’s possible,” Ford replied with the air of one who thinks nothing of taking leave of a planet mere moments before it is dissolved into its component molecules, “It’s not all that easy of course, but it’s very possible.”

“You mean the Earth has been destroyed?” Javert exclaimed, still trying to get his mind to work around this new concept.

“Yep, that’s what it all boils down to,” Ford replied, his coolness maintaining its frigid nature.

“Destroyed? The entire thing?”

“I’m afraid so.”

“Just like that? And it’s gone?”

“Just like that.”

“You’re trying to tell me, that these creatures whose spaceship we are currently aboard, and riding to God knows where, just came down, said, ‘Oh, here’s a little piece of dirt that just happens to be in our way!’ blew it up, and that’s it?”

“More or less,” Ford replied. He was starting to get quite annoyed by this time. “Look, Javert, just accept it, will you? The Earth’s gone. That’s all there is too it. Now shut up and get on with your life!”

There was a pause as Javert worked his way through this. Finally, after a long time he said, “So what you’re really trying to say, is that the Earth is now gone. Right?”

“YES!” Ford all but shouted! “ZAP! POOF! and there is no more! Fiery beams shot down from the sky and evaporated every component molecule that every made its home on that miserable little dirt ball of yours! There is nothing left, do you understand? Nothing. Your house; gone. The prefect’s office; gone. Paris itself; gone. That annoying little dog that used to bark at you every day on your way to your post; gone. Everything has ceased to be. Everything the planet had accomplished in its miserable little existence was wiped out in a matter of moments. And do you know what? No one’s going to care because it happens all the time!”

Javert sat there for a moment, looking quite taken aback. “Well, there’s no need to be so unpleasant about it,” he said after a moment.

Ford sighed and slouched against the wall.

“So what do we do now?” Javert asked after a long pause.

“Well, more or less, we just wait around here for one of two things to happen,” Ford replied, allowing his manner to frost over again.

“Ah,” said Javert. He waited for Ford to continue. Ford propped his hands behind his back and made himself a little more comfortable. Javert coughed slightly. Ford closed his eyes. Javert coughed louder. Ford started to whistle softly. Finally having had enough of this, Javert aimed a slight kick at Ford. Ford opened his eyes.

“What,” Javert said slowly as if he was quite likely to regret asking what he was about to ask, “Are the two things that may happen?”

“Well,” said Ford as he got up and began to walk around the room, “We’ll either stay on this ship until it docks somewhere at which point we’ll disembark and head off on our on, or,” and here he paused for a moment, “this ship will get picked up by the Vogons.”

“Vogons?” Javert said, even more puzzled now. “Who, or what are they?”

Ford sighed. “You remember I told you that no one really cares about this sort of thing?”

Javert thought about it for a moment. “Well, yes, I suppose I do,” he agreed.

“Well, that’s not quite true. The Vogons care. And quite frankly, it’s the kind of caring that I’d just as soon do without.”

“Oh,” Javert said rather quietly. He decided at this point in time this subject was one that he was better off staying uniformed about for the time being.

“So, we just sit here and hope,” Ford continued. “Quite frankly, I don’t believe we have much to worry about, since the last I heard all Vogons were...” He was cut off by the slight ‘hiss’ caused by the opening of a large metallic door at the other end of the bay.

“What’s that?” Javert whispered, peering around a large stack of crates to try and see the door.

“I don’t know,” Ford whispered back. “Just stay quiet, and maybe it’ll go away.”

At the other end of the bay, a tall figure was silhouetted in the middle of the doorway. He was vaguely humanoid, if one could ignore the extra pair of arms and the long tail that slashed viciously from side to side, and a slight green glow emanated from his eyes as he surveyed the bay. He was dressed in a silky looking white jumpsuit with a blue and white metallic sash draped across his shoulders in the manner of an Arabic sari.

His eyes drifted back and forth across the bay several times before they finally stopped their procession and focused squarely on Javert and Ford. In a loud voice he called out, “You there! Who are you?”

“Oh, don’t mind us!” Ford called back, not at all calmly. “Just a couple of friendly hitchhikers!”

“We’re not in the practice of allowing hitchhikers aboard. You’re coming with me,” the alien returned.

“Uhm, I’d really rather not, if that’s all right with you,” Ford answered back, “It really is terribly comfortable here, and I think I’d just as soon save both of us some bother and stay here if you don’t mind!”

“I do mind,” the creature snarled and leveled a mean looking laser rifle at them. “Come on, out of there now!”

Seeing no other alternative, Ford and Javert stepped slowly out from behind the crates. Javert glared at Ford. “I thought you said one of two things could happen to us. I don’t believe this was included in either of them!”

“Well,” Ford shrugged, “I can’t be right about everything. Look at it this way. At least you’re not tied to a post in the middle of a cafe.”

to be continued...

Contact the author:nudge@lkdllink.net