Ford/Arthur (not really, but a little implied)

SAND IM GETRIEBE

by Sae & Key

Ford wasn't in a good mood. He hadn't slept for days, hadn't eaten either, and the last bits of water were gone from his towel. The desert was not a good place to be when you were tired, hungry and alone.

But the desert was certainly a much worse place to be when you were tired, hungry, and in the company of Arthur Dent.

Arthur Dent who, under uncomfortable circumstances, started to whine a lot. For a brief moment, Ford had thought about drinking his blood so that the human would at least have been useful once before they died, but he wasn't that annoyed yet.

Yet. But just one more thing, just the tiniest thing ...
"Fo~ord," Arthur said, his voice high-pitched and scratchy from all the desert sand and the lack of water. Ford pretended not to notice and marched on.
"Ford!" Arthur repeated more urgently.

As Ford still ignored him, Arthur decided to just talk on.
"You know, we'll die here anyway.. And.. There's this one thing I always thought I didn't want to die without.."
There was a short pause.
"Ford I don't want to die a virgin!"

Ford stopped in his tracks, but didn't turn around.
"Erm. Ford?" Arthur inquired tentatively.
"Did you. Did you just ask me to have sex with you?"
Ford was shaking with something, but since Arthur couldn't see his front, he was unable to determine whether that was lust, fear, laughter - or maybe something else entirely.

"Uhm..." Arthur sighed the sigh of someone defeated by life. "Yes."

Ford was still shaking, but now Arthur realised that the earth all around Ford was shaking as well. In fact, Arthur himself was beginning to feel rather shaken, too. And that was the moment he saw it coming. "Oh my god," he said, "We're stranded on the Planet of ..."

"... THE MONSTER SHEEP !!!!!!!" Ford grabbed Arthur's hand and started to run. "And I thought it couldn't get worse.."

"Oh my GOD," Arthur repeated. "Please, not the horrible MONSTER SHEEP, Ford! Surely it must be a mistake."

"I'm afraid not," said Ford, coolly pointing over his shoulder with his one free hand (he was using the other one to drag Arthur behind him). Arthur looked back and gave a frightened yelp. It was huge. It was white. It looked at Arthur out of tiny red eyes and said "MEEEEEEEH!!!"

Unfortunately (for the sheep) the even more horrible monster WOLF appeared right this moment and ate it. Ford and Arthur watched in horror. The wolf, however, didn't notice them at all. It finished with a loud 'burp' and trotted off.
Ford and Arthur looked at each other.

"Right," Ford said. "Where were we?"
"Uh," Arthur said. "I'd mentioned the whole sex thing."
"Eep," Ford answered and quickly jumped a few feet away from Arthur, shooting him a worried glance.

Arthur sighed again and sat down into the dry hot desert sand, sqashing one of the last surviors of a great ant tribe which let his karma sink another notch.
"Do you really think it's that squicky.."
Ford pretended he wasn't really hearing this and instead focused on memories of bars and pretty girls and the restaurant at the end of the universe where the meat didn't try to eat you.

"Aww, Ford. Come on. After all we've been through. At least LISTEN to me, will you?"
"No," came the prompt reply.
"Ha! So you ARE listening."

"I'm NOT!"
Arthur giggled. Ford found that slightly disturbing.
"Seriously tho.." Arthur said and laid his head on Ford's shoulder, "wouldn't you want to have sex one last time before you die?"
Ford tried to get away but Arthur had grabbed his arm and wouldn't let go.
"We won't die here anyway!"
"Sure, but just IF, would you have sex with me then?"
Ford sighed.
"I mean, if you knew we'd die here.."
"Maybe. If there weren't any sheep left."

"Ford, not to scratch your ego or anything, but those are big sheep. Huge sheep. GIGANTIC sheep, if you get my drift. I'm not sure if you'd actually ..."
"Shut up, Arthur."
Silence, for a millisecond.
"So, since the sheep are sort of out of the question ..."

"I said we won't. Die. Here. So cut it out already."
Arthur stared at his finger that was tracing little circles in the sand.
"We don't have any water left. How long can a human be- can we survive without water?"

"Long enough."
"Oh Ford, be realistic. Say I hadn't mentioned certain ... ideas ... you know. You'd admit we're as good as dead."
"..."
"Ford!"
"I am discontinuing this conversation."

"Let's make a deal," Arthur grinned. "If we won't be off this planet in two days, you'll have sex with me."
Ford rolled his eyes.
"If I agree, will you be quiet?"
"Yes."
"Ok then. Not that we'll be here in two days.."
"Yes yes.." Arthur grinned some more, then got up and walked to the top of the nearest dune. Ford looked after him. He would never understand humans.

There was a sheep on the dune, but it was a very small one. It looked at Arthur. "Meh?" it said, in a very small voice.
Arthur smiled.
"Listen, I need you and your people to help me with something ..."
He bowed down and whispered the rest of his plan into the tiny sheep's ear. When he was finished, the sheep said "Meeeeh!" and slid down the back of the dune, out of Arthur's sight, leaving only a cloud of dust behind. He smiled to himself as he walked back down to Ford, who frowned and said "What?" at Arthur's expression.
"Oh, nothing, " Arthur said, but very convincing he was not.

Two days and some more walking through endless seas of sand later..

"Remember what you said two days ago?" Arthur asked innocently.
"Erm. No?" Ford tried.
"Fo~ord ..."
"Fine! I didn't think we'd still be here AND still be alive. So?"
"Ford! You promised ..."

"I said only if there were no sheep left!"
Arthur looked around.
"Well, I can't see a single sheep anywhere."
Ford cursed. This was really embarrassing.
"Come *on*, you can even be top!"

"I. Erm. Maybe there are some invisible sheep?"
Arthur leaned back and smiled an angelic smile.
"Well, I WOULD like to see you try and fuck invisible sheep. Or catch them, for that matter. Do go ahead."
Ford cursed some more.
Arthur sighed. "You know, I'm beginning to get a little hurt here. I can't be THAT repulsive?"

"Not when I cover my eyes maybe?"
"Ford, you're a bad loser."
Ford growled at him.

"Too embarrassed, are you?" Arthur said quietly. "Too cowardly to even talk to me like any proper friend would."
"We're friends? Since when?"
"Well, fuck you." Arthur said, stomping off.

He couldn't go far tho, because right this moment, Ford started to beep. Well, it wasn't directly Ford who beeped, but his electric thumb. Arthur turned and stared for a second, then ran back to Ford.
"Oh my god, can't be!"
But it definitely was, and one second later they found themselves in a shabby chamber on a ship.
Both started to laugh madly.
"We're saved! I can't believe it!" Ford shouted, jumping through the room. Arthur looked around with wide eyes. Looked at the mattresses, the walls.
"Uh.. Ford.. This looks so familiar.."
Ford turned around and jumped into his direction.
"What?"
"This.." Arthur pointed at nothing in particular. "This room looks so familiar."
Ford frowned.
In the silence that followed they could hear echoes of many heavy footsteps in the distance.
"Can't be.." Ford said and forgot to close his mouth afterwards.
The door opened and they looked into the faces of a very ugly creature.
"It is. Welcome back on my ship!" the Vogon said. "I hope you'll enjoy your stay."
That was when Ford came to the conclusion that sex with Arthur would have definitely been the better choice.

End.