Zaphod Beeblebrox, Interdimensional Sex-Toy Salesman

by M Moneure’re

warnings: way, way too much information. complete lack of taste, etc. Plenty of implied lemon (slash, het, and solo eventually)

Disclaimer: I don’t own ANY of these characters or series. I do own much of the equipment described, but I don’t hold the patents or design rights to any of it.

Notes: My use of sex toys as a source of humor is not in any way meant to disparage the use of sex toys. On the contrary, it’s something I’d like to encourage.

M’s Obligatory Notes: I’m not entirely sure where this idea came from. Some of it came up in a discussion I was having in which two of us were speculating on the sex life of Noin and Zechs. I decided Noin would have to strap it on for him. From there it just spiralled out of control. I’m going to claim that Zaphod is in character here. And it wouldn’t violate the Hitchhiker’s Guide timeline, since before the series began Zaphod was, in Douglas Adams’ own words, a "hippie adventurer". This isn’t much of a hippie adventurer thing to do, but it would fit Zaphod. Just call it "Young Zaphod Helps Others Play Safely".

Zaphod Beeblebrox, newest sales and distribution representative of M’s Interdimensional Custom Sex Toys, Inc., adjusted the Somebody Else’s Problem Field (1) over his second head and walked up to the door he was supposed to make his delivery to, carrying a large, discreetly wrapped package under one of his right arms, keeping the other arm hidden under his coat. A short-haired woman answered the door.

"Lieutenant Lucrezia Noin? I have your order here..."

"Yes, thank you very much."

"Let me check the list to make sure we’ve included everything you ordered," Zaphod offered, and began to read aloud from his list, not noticing the interesting shade of red which Noin was beginning to turn.

"One leather strap-on dildo harness, two-strap style?"

"Yes..." Noin muttered, and made as if to grab the package.

"All right...two of our silicone dildos in the Hot Rod 2 style (2), one large and one extra large?"

"Do you think you could at least go over the list more quietly?"

"Why would I do that? Let me see here...one Love Rocket anal plug with included vibrating egg and battery pack...two bottles of lube...one "prostate tickler" attatchment for coil vibe...is that right?"(3)

"Yes. Now could you give me the package already?"

"Yeah, sure. Here you are. Sign on the dotted line. And enjoy yourself...each other...whatever."

As Zaphod walked back to his car, Noin locked the front door and walked across the living room to the bedroom door. She knocked lightly.

"Oh Zechs...I have something for you..."

--end part 1-

(1) For those who haven’t read the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series, a Somebody Else’s Problem Field is somewhat like a cloaking device, except it makes people think that whatever it affects is somebody else’s problem and they shouldn’t worry about it.

(2) It exists. It’s specifically designed with a curve to stimulate the g-spot or prostate.

(3) These all exist, though I’ve taken liberties with the names a bit.

You can probably get the idea. Lots and lots of possibilities for distribution here.

Notes: I just had to imagine what it would be like to develop a sex toy supply when you have two bodies you can use. Oh, and the iron corset is from the "Martial Arts Dining" story arc. In the Viz release it’s in vol. 15.

Ranma ran in the front door of the Tendo residence and was halfway up the stairs before Kasumi had a chance to call to him.

"Oh, Ranma, a package showed up for you while you were at school." She handed him a rather large box. "There was something odd about the man who delivered it, but I couldn’t quite place it. Oh well, I guess it’s not my problem."

Genma looked up from the game of Go he was playing against Soun. "What is it Ranma? Did you order some training equipment?"

Ranma blushed slightly. "Um...yeah...that’s it...training equipment..." He ran back up the stairs and into his bedroom. He placed the box on the floor and opened it. At the top of the box was a receipt.

"Invoice for order from M’s Interdimensional Custom Sex Toys, Inc."
"One jelly rubber double-pronged dildo"
"One Fukuoko 9000 miniature vibrator"
"One Adonis Pouch vibrating vinyl scrotum pouch and penis sheath"
"One set of nipple clamps"
"One bottle of silicon-based lubricant"
"One arrow twist vibe"
"We are sorry, but we were not able to locate an iron corset matching your description. We believe that the item you are looking for is no longer being manufactured, perhaps due to safety concerns."

Ranma sighed. At least the rest of the order had come in. He hid the box in the closet, then went back downstairs and grabbed a kettle and several buckets of cold water. He carried them back up to his room and locked the door.

-- end of part 2 --

They all exist. I have most of them.

I just couldn’t get myself to continue the scene at this point. Or the one from part 1. Not that they wouldn’t be fun to write. Maybe another time.

Notes: Yes, I have a wing kink. And I just couldn’t resist this one.

Zaphod and Ford Prefect sat at a table on the Heart of Gold, casually sipping a couple of Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters ? if sipping such things could ever be considered "casual." Ford had been thinking up old stories from his adventures as an intergalactic hitchhiker.

"So what about you, Zaphod? I know you must have gotten into some interesting bits before becoming President of the Universe."

"Oh yeah, plenty of really wild stuff." (1)

"Anything that stands out in particular?"

"Well, my days selling sex and bondage toys for a living were a trip. I picked up plenty of stories with that."

"So tell us one."

Zaphod sat back and looked thoughtful with one head, while the other head continued drinking steadily.

"One of the more interesting was when I was setting up a few custom orders on a little planet called Gaea. Apparently quite a few people all had their eyes on the same guy, and even had some of the same ideas. They put in almost identical orders."

"Oh?"

"I just really, really hope he was into bondage. There were six different sets of restraints on order for him. One from a high schooler in a schoolgirl dress, one from a tall blond guy with a sword, one from some rich smart-ass merchant. Even a weird little cat-girl wanted in on the action. And then there was his brother...whatever. The last was from a really, really psycho pilot of some sort with a scar across his cheek. I don’t really want to think what he was planning; he seemed to have a grudge as well as a case of hormones."

"How do you know that they were all from the same person? I mean, a lot of people could have the same build."

"This was a pretty unique set of requests."

"Oh? How?"

"Well, first of all he was small. I think he was still a teenager."

"Is that it?"

"No. What really made it stand out is that this is the first time I’d ever seen an order for a matching set of restraints which included straps for wings."

--end part 3--

(1) Should "really wild stuff" be capitalized?