Zarniwoop Hitches a Ride

by Sam Imberman

Zarniwoop woke up and it was still raining. He had been forced to sleep in the rainy wilderness that night, since the Ruler of the Universe had expelled him in favor of conversation with a table.

Zarniwoop sat up with a start. The extra weight on his behind forced Zarniwoop to sink a little bit into the brown mud under him. He shook his head in a futile attempt to force water out of his ears.

Zarniwoop pulled his briefcase out from where it had been, under his head. He opened it and inserted his hand, as a precaution to make sure the contents had not become waterlogged like his ears. It occurred to Zarniwoop that his briefcase was probably the most technologically advanced thing on the planet, never mind the rudimentary technology in the Ruler’s house.

Zarniwoop stood up and faced the Ruler’s house. The Ruler of the Universe stood in his doorway facing inwards. Zarniwoop froze and listened to the Ruler to attempt to make sense of his words.

The Ruler of the Universe was indeed speaking. He was speaking to The Lord again. When speaking to the Lord, some would speak about universe unjustice or perhaps the immorality of rapidfire pulsing gluon beams, but the Ruler of the Universe was not talking to the Lord about such important matters. The Ruler of the Universe, in all his glory, was talking to the Lord about tuna fish. After all, the Lord was his cat.

Zarniwoop, like all hitchhikers, had his towel with him. He also carried a Sub-Etha Sens-O-Matic. He tracked down a nearby ship, and hitched a ride.

* * *

The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy defines Ookmandest Plastic as fairly sticky, heavy, translucent purple material that feels like a cross between toothpaste and gelatin- hardly plastic by any accord. It was recently discovered as a by-product of the mattress-growing process on Squornshellous Zeta- the sterilized, dead roots of the mattress plant are thrown into a mixer and blended into a cream, then placed in a high-temperature oven to remove moisture. The result is this heavy, adhesive, resilient purple paste-gel that is often used to repair holes in the outside of jets and spaceships. With a putty knife’s assistance, it patches holes much like putty and usually blends flawlessly into a ship’s décor when dry. However, it is so heavy that it has been known to tilt ships off course when used in large quantities.

Zarniwoop always carried a small aluminum can of the stuff with him at all times. He knew it could be useful on occasion, and it was often the source of brownie points from the people on whose ships it was used. Now he tossed the can up and down. Rumor had it that this was some way of muscle toning. Zarniwoop knew he needed that to woo that cute Starstavekian woman being he had seen at the park a few months ago. He had promised to call back.

But it seemed unlikely. He reclined in his chair and tried to block out his location in his mind. He was indeed in Vogon Constructor Fleet Ship #4, home of Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz- the worst looking Vogon in the universe (not to mention the third-worst poet in it). Minutes after putting away the can, Zarniwoop heard a gruff voice through the Babel fish in his left ear.

Those who have not extensively traveled the universe are not acquainted with the idea of a Babel fish. In short, it feeds off the sound waves emitted by others. It combines this with its user’s brain matrix, producing its waste: a voice that you can comprehend. This proves to be a quite useful item to have when traveling great distances.

"Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz will speak to you now, scoundrel," it sneered. Zarniwoop’s muscles tensed as he stood up to follow the green blob from whom the voice emanated.

Is it male or female? Pondered Zarniwoop. Furthermore, what does it mate with? Zarniwoop cringed. What is that species called? Too bad that if I get out my copy of Hitchhikers’ Guide To The Galaxy to figure that out he’ll probably kill me. Maybe it’s actually just a genetically engineered Vogon. Doesn’t seem too far off. Zarniwoop’s cringe gradually fell off his face, and he smirked.

Zarniwoop was marched into Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz’ poetry-reading chamber and was led to a chair in to which he was strapped.

"So, you tried to hitch a ride with me, and thought you could get away with it?" Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz chuckled. "You thought that the fiercest, mightiest leader of any fleet in the universe would let you get away with hitching a ride in the most technologically-advanced, most aerodynamic, and most beautifully-designed spacecraft ever designed?" (In truth, the ship’s guidance system is run by a vintage early-1980s IBM mainframe, it is shaped like an office complex, and the insides are randomly painted yellow, purple, and green and have brown shag carpeting covering the ground.)

Zarniwoop was still caught up in his thoughts. "Well, maybe," he said thoughtfully.

"NO!" roared Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz. "The audacity to think so! I am the most fearsome ruler in the cosmos, and you think that I have the time to put up with a puny hitchhiker like you?"

"It depends on the hitchhiker. Like, you wouldn’t punish the ruler of- "

"Would you shut up!"

"Well, sorr-ree!" Zarniwoop jeered under his breath.

"I would punish anyone in the cosmos the same way. Even you, Zarniwoop! The true ruler of the galaxy!"

Zarniwoop snapped from his thoughts like a gunshot hitting a bell. He didn’t dare tell the leader of the Vogon force that the true leader of the universe was still sitting in a log cabin on a faraway rainy planet, talking to a table. As if Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz would buy that!

"You are now subject to any punishment I deem fit. And I have decided to read you a page from my excellent poetry book, The Travails of the Menial Squid. Then, I will cast you out of the ship into the murky abyss of space!" Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz smirked.

Great. I love it when they decide to add insult to injury. Zarniwoop thought. He found a cold sweat starting on his forehead as Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz picked up a book so purple it was hideous and then cleared his throat a few times as he found the correct page.

"Here we go," said Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz to rub it in.

"Blitherwarrented is the froopgoggle that pierces the murkidrious blaughendopt," he started. Zarniwoop tried to control himself, knowing that one false move could cost him his life. But as Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz gleefully went about reading his despised poetry, Zarniwoop came across a startling yet brilliant idea to keep himself sane.

Zarniwoop patiently listened to the rest of the poem.

" ‘Gwardledorp,’ I say to the wablerious being that transcends hepskalesness as does a frobleskot wallowing." Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz had turned his head slightly away from Zarniwoop. At the end of the line he heard a faint ‘zip’ sound and paused, his head snapping back toward Zarniwoop, who politely smiled. He then continued.

"Howl gargle gargle howl gargle blaugh," he continued. "Howl gargle howl howl gargle howl." Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz did not realize that as he was not looking, Zarniwoop had quietly slipped his Babel fish out of his ear and, unable to understand the vogon’s words, was now smiling politely at him with thoughts of Popular Mechanics magazine floating gently in his head. When Zarniwoop heard applause following the poem, he slipped the fish back into his ear and waited for the post-poem drilling.

"So, how was it, intruder?" cackled the vogon.

"I think it was a masterpiece! You know, you could win a Pulitzer Prize for that piece of work!" praised Zarniwoop.

Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz blushed as much as an ugly green blob can blush. "You really think it was that good?"

"Why, certainly!"

"Well, it isn’t supposed to be good!" howled Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz. "And because you think so, I am going to let you die, like any respectable fleet commander would!" And on that note, Zarniwoop, screaming and wailing like he never had before, was led out of the chamber by two large green blobs.

Halfway to the airlock Zarniwoop was struck with an idea. He reached into the pocket of his coat and removed a can of Ookmandest Plastic. He rapped it against his knee twice so that the can’s top slid free. He thrust his finger through the purple ooziness so that a glob of the stuff came out on his finger. He then drove his finger into the eye of one of the blobs, removing it fast enough to avoid the impact of the blob’s tentacle. He repeated the process to the other blob. Both blobs keeled and fell over, their gelatinous bodies absorbed into the brown shag carpeting below.

Zarniwoop cunningly took the can’s removed lid and coated it in the sealant paste, without letting it dry. By coating two tree leaves gathered from the Ruler of the Universe’s planet in Ookmandest plastic and letting them dry, Zarniwoop had created two possibly lethal green spears. Intently, Zarniwoop traced the path they had come (green blobs leave trails much like slugs) and returned to the poetry chamber where Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz was hiccupping menacingly as Zarniwoop entered. However, there was obviously murder on the Vogon’s mind.

"I (hic) thought we (hic) thought we (hic) we got rid (hic) rid of you!" Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz exclaimed, unable to control his hiccups.

"That’s what you thought!" Zarniwoop quipped seriously, poised for attack.

"What do you (hic) do you (hic) you think you’re (hic) going to (hic) going to do?" Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz inquired, his hiccups taking the edge of anger out of his voice.

"I could very well kill you." Zarniwoop showed a straight face.

Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz broke out in simultaneous hilarious laughter and hiccups, and was trying to speak at the same time. "You are (hic) going to (hic) to kill me? With what? You are (hic) are (hic) you’re such a (hic) such a funny guy (hic) funny guy! Go fetch me (hic) get me (hic) another (hic) Pan Galact- (hic) Galacti- (hic) a Pan Gal- (hic) oh, ditch it, get me (hic) get me a (hic) really alcoh- (hic) you know what (hic) what I’m getting at (hic) right?" (Zarniwoop wished he could get this quote into the news.)

Another idea sparked within Zarniwoop. He reached for the remainder of his Ookmandest plastic and the nearest water fountain. He mixed the plastic with the water to form a light purple, fairly thick, suspension. He then presented it to the Vogon.

"Your Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is here," said Zarniwoop as pleasantly as possible when one is about to kill another.

"You (hic) you sure? (hic) They aren’t usually (hic) aren’t purple," said Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz.

"It is a new type. I’m sure you will enjoy it as much as the old kind."

"OK, then (hic) thanks." The Vogon ingested the plastic water in four gulps. "Tastes..." (he frowned thoughtfully) "(hic) fruity. Gosh, I like it!" With those words, Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz’ body slowly solidified until it became a statue that was once the leader of one of the most powerful fleets in the galaxy.

So, what happened to everyone?

About two weeks after the departure of Zarniwoop from the residence of the Ruler of the Universe, The Lord died a most unfortunate death, thereby proving his mortality.

The body of late Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz was donated to a scientific research lab that cut it into pieces and analyzed each one. After finding that little intelligence existed inside, they used the pieces to make a campfire that burned perfectly to roast marshmallows on. Two good things came out of the study, though. First, it was proven that Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz was perfectly qualified for his job as a very stupid being (even this use of the term "being" is debatable). Second, Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz received the cremation he deserved.

Zarniwoop took control of the Vogon Fleet and fashioned a remote control for it out of two pieces of scrap plywood, some aluminum foil and five three-inch-long horseshoe magnets. After depositing himself on friendly planet Holitung MCLXXVI, Zarniwoop sent the entire Vogon Constructor Fleet crashing into the sun of Kakrafoon during the next Disaster Area concert. It made for quite a show.