Gaston

Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Gaston
Looking so down in the dumps
Every guy here'd love to be you, Gaston
Even when taking your lumps
There's no man in town as admired as you
You're everyone's favourite guy
Everyone's awed and inspired by you
And it's not very hard to see why

　No one's slick as Gaston
No one's quick as Gaston
No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Gaston's!
For there's no man in town half as manly
Perfect! A pure paragon!
You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley
And they'll tell you whose team
They prefer to be on!

　No one's been like Gaston
A kingpin like Gaston
No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston!
As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!
My, what a guy, that Gaston!
Give five hurrahs! Give twelve hip-hips!
Gaston is the best and the rest is all drips!

　No one fights like Gaston
Douses lights like Gaston
In a wrestling match, nobody bites like Gaston
For there's no one as burly and brawny
As you see, I've got biceps to spare
Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny
That's right! And every last inch of me's covered with hair!

　No one hits like Gaston
Matches wits like Gaston
In a spitting match, nobody spits like Gaston
I'm specially good at expectorating!
Ptooey!
Ten points for Gaston!

　When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
Every morning to help me get large
And now that I'm grown
I eat five dozen eggs
So I'm roughly the size of a barge

　No one shoots like Gaston
Makes those beauts like Gaston
Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston
I use antlers in all of my decorating!
Say it again

　Who's a man among men?
And then say it once more
Who's the hero next door
Who's a super success?
Don't you know?
Can't you guess?
Ask his fans and his five hangers-on
There's just one guy in town who's got all of it down
And his name's G-A-S-T…
G-A-S-T-E… G-A-S-T-O…
Oh! Oh! Gaston!