The Twelve Basic Types of Lesbian

One : The Butch The Butch is a woman who is comfortable with her thumbs hitched in the belt loops of her 501s. (Variations include: Stone Butch, Butch Bottom, Femmy Butch, and Matt Dillon).

Two : The Femme The Femme is a woman whose earthquake-survival kit includes a lipstick. (Variations include: Ultra Femme, Butchy Femme, Femme Top, Charles Nelson Really.)

Three : The Tomboy The Tomboy is that young-steer who seems to always know where the fuse box is and how to get the lawn mower going. Unafraid of physical work, especially if it involves power tools, this budding female homo can be seen hanging out with others like her in tragically small, ostracised groups in parking lots, dressed like boys of her same age grownup. This gal is on the top of the batting order for softball and thinks it's cool to remove the dead mouse from behind the chemical cabinet in science class.

Four : The Lesbian Parent These women are part of the lesbian baby boom, that statistical category that never enters into the government's census of single-parent households run by women. Thanks to ever-increasing access to fertility technology, many of these women got pregnant practically on their own with no pesky ex-husband hanging around making threats. As a result, more lesbian moms are out and proudly serving the tofu-spelt puffs at the PTA potluck.

Five : The Diesel Dyke She is the kind of lesbian who could not possibly be mistaken for a straight woman, although in some rural parts of the country these women actually are straight. Characterised by their heavily male-identified wardrobe choices, these women are most comfortable driving heavy machinery while intoxicated. A dangerous occupational hazard, yes, but they are part of our community, too.

Six : The Jock The Jock has prominent deltoids (a result of twenty years of daily gym workouts) and at least one serious scar from knee or elbow surgery. She probably was a member of an Olympic team or was in the Olympic trials or at least watches the Olympics fanatically. The Jock thinks of her black sweats as formal wear.

Seven : The Lesbian Professional You've seen her and probably didn't even know it. She's stylish and wealthy and probably lives in a major urban hub. She is a powerful corporate head, company manager, attorney, or stockbroker. This lesbian dresses for success in a very chic, androgynous come Des gardens style. She's not afraid to take up space at a board meeting or shout down the guy who shorted her in the deli. Though she probably doesn't have time to volunteer for a lesbian hotline, she'll be happy to show her support by writing a check.

Eight : The Professional Lesbian The Professional Lesbian does not have a full-time job. Her wardrobe of overalls and leather jacket covered with buttons like "Keep your laws off my hot, wet, lesbian pussy" renders her largely unemployable by the mainstream, although she makes do with a variety of part-time jobs, such as bouncer at the Clit Club and tarot card reader. She lives in the homes of various lovers and friends and moves around a lot.

Nine : The Avenging Lesbian (Activist) This lesbian looks a little like the Professional Lesbian, but she has a more focused gleam in her eye and she knows how to clean herself up for an appearance on a talk show. She is the warrior for us all who makes herself known to the world at large through the purposeful antics she employs to disrupt the status quo. The Avenging Lesbian's mind is always working on ways to turn even a simple trip to the grocery store into a stand for equal rights, and that's why she's fun on a date (if you don't mind spending your first night together in jail).

Ten : The Separatist If you're a woman, you don't see this gal much. If you're a fell, she's as elusive as Big Foot. Living out in Women's Land and associating only with her own sex, the "Sep" is the Lubavitcher of the lesbian community. In the Separatist household, menstrual prints adorn the walls and the cupboards are animal-product free. Boy children are sent to live with their bio-dads and all music is acoustic and female-generated. Extreme, yes, but they are the standard-bearers for us all, making our simple hatred of men seem reasonable.

Eleven : The lesbian who Sleeps with Men (formerly "the Bisexual") You didn't see these girls so much back in the old days before "Queer Unity." It used to be the "Gay" Pride March, then they added on lesbians, then bisexuals, then transsexuals, then Sophia B. Hawkins. But now the lesbian who sleeps with men is an accepted member of our community. She is proud to be a lesbian and take the rap for it, but every once in a while she gets a hankering for a taste of the big salami. She might have a boyfriend for years but will continue to call herself a lesbian, claiming she is "just going through a phase."

Twelve : The Slave / Master If a lesbian wants to be tied up and another lesbian agrees to do it, they have participated in a master/slave exchange. The first gal is the master for demanding to be treated like a slave. The second gal ties her up and acts like a master, saying things like "I will not give you the dildo, not today," and in real life the master does everything the slave wants. Any questions?

Thirteen : The Closet Case Straight people are often completely oblivious to the telltale signs of the closet case, but if you are a gay or a lesbian yourself, detecting the secret sapphire is a snap. Just see who walks away from the conversation when you start to talk about spousal equivalency. Yup, she's the one who looks all panicky during same-sex embraces and changes her clothes in a bathroom stall after a strenuous gym workout, forgoing the showers entirely. She'll add awkward feminine touches to her wardrobe and still look like a longshoreman in a peach dress in your wedding party. Her "date" is always an incredibly handsome, well-groomed fellow who takes a special interest in your interior design challenges. You may want to make friends with this lost lamb, but be careful - she's the type who'll get your thrown out of the military quicker than you can say "J. Edgar Hoover."