Church Humor
The Bible
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means”!  “Okay,” said his father.  “So, son, what does the Bible mean”?  “That’s easy Daddy,… It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth”.  Leave it to a child to figure it out!		 "Now, how many of you would like to go to heaven?" asked the Sunday School teacher. All the eager three-year-olds raised their hands except Little Johnny. The teacher directed his attention to Little Johnny and said, "Johnny, don't you want to go to heaven?" "I'm sorry, I can't", said Johnny.  "My mother told me to come right home after Sunday School today".
A father and his children were at the beach when his 4-year old son grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to the bird?"  The father replied, "He died and went to heaven."  The boy pondered a moment and then responded, "Did God throw him back down?" A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma. Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?"  The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail."
The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get it?" his mother asked.  "I bought it with the nickel you gave me."  "The nickel I gave you was for Sunday School."  I know Mom,” said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free." A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, "Yes he did, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us." 
A woman invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”  “I wouldn’t know what to say,” the little girl replied.  “Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the mother said.  The little girl bowed her head and said, “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?” An elderly woman died last month.  Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.  In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.  His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied: "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!" Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching."  Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me."  "Oh, then why do  you keep crossing things out?" After the church service, a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

One day, a minister decided that he would visit some members of his congregation at their homes to encourage them and find out how they were doing.

After having already visited several members, he arrived at the door of a poor, elderly widow.  He rang.  She answered, and let him in.  He was ushered into the living room where he and the widow sat down and began a casual conversation.

After a few minutes into his conversation, he noticed a candy dish, full of peanuts, on the coffee table.  Under ordinary circumstances, he would not have asked the question, but it was almost noon, and he hadn't eaten anything since his early breakfast and he was beginning to feel quite hungry.  So, he asked the widow, "Do you mind if I have some of these nuts?" She replied, "Help yourself."  So, he did. While they continued chatting, the minister realized that he had finished all the peanuts in the dish.  He felt quite embarrassed for having gotten so carried away in his conversation with the poor, elderly widow, that he didn't even think to leave some in the dish for her.  So, shamefully, he said to the poor, elderly widow, "I'm really sorry, it seems that I've eaten all your peanuts - I didn't mean to finish them all.  Please forgive me."

The poor elderly widow casually waved her hand at him and said, "Oh, that's quite all right.  All I could do is suck the chocolate off them anyway!"

Public address systems often amplify far more than singing or sermons. An evangelist friend of mine consistently wears a [wireless] transistor lapel mike during his meetings. Once, however, he forgot to turn it off when he recessed for the men's room during the song service. Interspersed throughout the singing the congregation distinctly heard through the speakers the sound effects of whistling, the toilet flushing, washbasin filling, and paper towels pulled from the holder and crumpled.  When my friend returned to the platform, he whispered to one of his associates, "How's it been going?" The associate pointed toward the lapel mike and whispered back, "You ought to know; you were on!"
A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100. The postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA" . They decided to send it to the President. He was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God which read "Dear God, thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington and as usual, those idiots deducted $95."
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