A Laugh Is Good For You
When I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets, so I asked for a half dozen nuggets.  "We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter.  "You don't?" I said.  "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."  So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
Three boys are in the school yard bragging
about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words  on a piece of paper,  he calls it a poem, they give him $50."  The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon.  And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Overheard at a computer store:
"I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too."
The baker's mistakes are eaten;
The carpenter's mistakes are covered up;
The undertaker buries his mistakes,
but woe unto the editor...the people read his mistakes.
We hear only half of what is said to us, understand only half of that, believe only half of that, and remember only half of that.
THE SEVEN AGES OF MAN:
Spills, drills, thrills, bills, pills, and lastly, wills.
Where are you on the age chart?
What makes you feel good, makes others happy, and doesn't cost a thing? A smile, of course! They say the act of smiling can make you feel better. - "A smile on the outside means a smile on the inside." So Keep Smiling!! AT THE RETIREMENT HOME: A company supervisor was visiting former employees. He went up to a little old retired lady and shook her hand, asking, "Do you know who I am?" "No," replied the woman, "But I'm sure if you go to the front desk, they'll be able to tell you ..."
Retirement - THE PERFECT JOB!

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium work-out-center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!
Your PC's Spell Checker

My Spell corrector said it was OK

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marquees four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read." When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
WHAT IS LIFE?
Life is a challenge...meet it.
Life is a gift...accept it.
Life is an adventure...dare it.
Life is a sorrow...overcome it.
Life is a tragedy...face it.
Life is a duty...perform it.
Life is a game...play it.
Life is a mystery...unfold it.
Life is a song...sing it.
Life is an opportunity...take it.
Life is a journey...complete it.
Life is a promise...fulfill it.
Life is a beauty...praise it.
Life is a struggle...fight it.
Life is a goal...achieve it.
Life is a puzzle, solve it.
Life is Love...love it!
SOME INTERESTING QUOTES
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

The secret of growing old is having lots of experience you can no longer use.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Experience is what  you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

Love is like a mushroom. You never know if it's the real thing until it's too late.

Swallowing angry words is much easier than having to eat them.

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. -- Bob Hope
My son took his 4-year old boy to the barbershop for a haircut, but when they came out, the child was crying.  What's wrong, son?"  his father asked.  "Don't you like your haircut?"  "No", the boy replied, "I wanted one with a hole in The top - like yours".
-Punishment-
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.  "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.  "No," she said. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him."
Wearing seat belts...

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat,
"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"


 
A GOOD PAYING AMERICAN JOB

Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6:00 a.m.  While his coffee pot (made in Japan) is perking, he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).

He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan), his designer jeans (made in Singapore), and a pair of teenis shoes (made in Korea).

After cooking up some breakfast in  his new electric skillet (made in the Phillipines), he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico) how much he can spend today.

After setting his watch (made in Switzerland) to the radio (made in Hong Kong), he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany), and, as has been his daily task for months, goes looking for a good paying American job.

After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decides to relax for a while.  He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil), pours himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turns on his TV (made in Japan), and ponders again why he can't find that "good paying American job."
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.   He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"  To which the boy replies, "Now we run!”
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.  I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.  After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue as to what had just happened!
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"  "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.  With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister".  I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
FOUND ON A TOMBSTONE:
"My Dear Friends as You Pass By,
As you are Now, So Once Was I.
As I am Now, You Soon Must Be.
Prepare Yourselves to Follow Me."

"Beneath this stone my wife doth lie
Now she's at rest and so am I."
REAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little
surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add "es". 		 I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left.  The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.  After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late.  The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place.  He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."
Famous Quote:

 Red Skelton, the famous comedian from early TV days is quoted as saying, "I live by this credo: Have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.  Even in your darkest moment, you usually can find something to laugh about if you try hard enough. If I can make people laugh, then I have served my purpose for God."
A man who was lost stumbled across a Baptism service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeded to stumble down into the water and stand next to the Minister. The Minister turned, noticed the man and said, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus? The man looked back and said, "Yes sir, I am." The Minister then dunked the fellow under the water and pulled him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked. No, I did not!", said the man. The Minister then dunked him under for quite a bit longer, brought him up and said, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not!" said the man again. Disgusted, the Minister held the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brought him up and demanded, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet!!!??" The man wiped his eyes and pleaded, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
The Potato Garden

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this
reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.  His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."
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