===A SpaceCow Grab Bag===


Hey there, boys and girls! I know it's been a while since I've bothered you all, and clogged up your email boxes, so I've collected a few of the wise and insightful (ha!) revelations that have come to me as of late....

Of course, now we have conclusive proof of just what results from sitting in class all day long, and listening to those teachers drone on and on, so boring I can feel my brain cells dying one by one... sometimes I wonder if they're committing suicide, given the situation.

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Television newscasters often warn viewers that something they're about to show might upset people: "Be warned that the next film clip is very graphic, and contains explicit language, so you might want to consider if you see it, or if it is suitable for your children." Imagine! Explicit and graphic! Here's what Webster's Third New International Dictionary has to say about that...

Explicit: Characterized by full, clear expression; being without vagueness or ambiguity.

Graphic: Marked by clear and lively description or striking imaginative power. Sharply outlined or delineated.

So, what exactly is the problem here? Why do they feel it necessary to warn people against the possibility of seeing something clear, sharply outlined, unambiguous, and with striking imaginative power?

And while we're at it, what exactly is "viewer discretion"? If viewers had discretion, most shows wouldn't be on the air.

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Why do they put a suicide watch on some death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill kills himself? does it just spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to the prison and promptly killed him. Apparently, just to piss him off.

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Microwave radiation leaking from radar guns has caused at least eighty cases of testicular cancer in policemen. I'm glad. That's what they deserve for being sneaky. Cancer and radar both victimize silently; they sneak up on you. You think that everything's okay, but unknown to you, something very bad is happening. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, you're a victim. Also, I think it's quite appropriate that it's testicular cancer, of all things. These cops all think they have big balls. Now they do. Good.

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On Thanksgiving at our house we like variety, so we don't have turkey every year. Last year we had swan. It was nice; everyone got some of the neck. Another year we had a seagull. Delicious! It's a little fishy, but at least you never have to add salt. This year, we're expecting a few people over, so we're having a flamingo. And I'm making sure I get the leg that folds up. They say the meat is sweeter and more tender because the flamingo doesn't use it much.

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And that's just a few of the thoughts that kept me out of the good schools.

-------------the SpaceCow-----------------------------
=== My phone number is seventeen. We got one of the early ones. ===