===Sinners in the Lakers of Fire===
Have you ever been so happy over someone's success, you wanted to tip over a news van? Like when your little brother won his little league game or when your fat friend ate 30 dollars worth of shrimp at a $9.99 all-you-can-eat dinner? a few nights ago in LA, it happened to a few thousand people. After the Lakers beat the Pacers, the people of Los Angeles did what any happy group of people would do -- they threw rocks and bottles at cops and burned their own city down.
Laker fans, the first species of animal fully recognized as "retarded" by the world's taxonomists, had to get dragged away from bonfires and riots that went on for hours after the game. News vans were tipped over, cars were lit on fire, and businesses near the Staples Center were vandalized and looted. Four people were injured during the riots, adding to the two that received medical attention in the arena during the game.
Those are the two that are inexcusable.
You gotta expect a few people to get injured when thousands of people decide it's time to play "Rabies Victim", but when you can't watch a basketball game without hospitalizing yourself, you have some serious problems. I don't know how people can explain to their families that they were injured an hour *before* the Laker riots of 2000, when they got up at halftime to get cotton candy.
Six little injuries. When there's a soccer game in Scotland, you're lucky if you leave with that many teeth left in your mouth. Soccer fans in other countries make the Laker riot seem like an argument between two narcoleptics playing Mario Brothers, but there's a reason. They're not badass motherfucking Americans. They spend their days watching our old Starsky and Hutch reruns, smoking cigarettes, and looking at sculptures of old naked men. You can expect them to freak out when people are bouncing a ball around on their foreheads, but in America, it takes a lot more than that. We jump off of bridges with rubber bands around our necks. We have passenger side airbags, because you never know how much our drivers have had to drink. And we don't park our cars, we maybe slow down to thirty five and jump out. Mountain Dew comes out of our faucets and any one of us has probably taken out an armada of space aliens or vampires. Open one of our beers and it'll make it snow in the damn room, and a half dozen swimsuit models will show up to party. So somebody won a basketball game? LA? That's great. Tell me when there's naked chicks wrestling in a vat of oatmeal someone dropped out of a plane, and then I'll think about getting excited.
My question: how in the hell did these idiots manage to create so much carnage so quickly? how? the other week on "Survivor", three college students, a big fat gay guy, and an ex-Navy Seal worked for *hours* and got only a little bit of smoke for their trouble. When I barbecue anything, it takes 8 gallons of gas, a box of matches, 25 newspapers, 3 quarts of motor oil, and some homemade napalm to get the damn grill lit! What kind of secret spies are running around LA? MacGuyver? how can these people manage to light a fire with only the items they brought with them to the game? Could they shoot lasers from their eyes? I know none of them had lighters because you're not allowed to smoke in California... I don't know. I saw one picture on Headline News where it looked like a 15-year old was starting a bonfire using only an SUV and a parking cone. that's twisted stuff, man.
I think people that can light cars on fire using only their irrational excitement shouldn't be watching some basketball game. They should be strapped to some chair somewhere with scientists and tubes and probes and things to discover the secret of their fantastic powers.
Since that fateful night, people all across the country have been using these role models as inspiration to perform their own celebration parties. This is no longer an isolated incident, going even so far as to combine with the sudden onset of school violence. The poor kids in the small town of Red Bank, New Jersey were subjected to rampant preschool rioting as Tommy McAllum spearheaded a rampage to celebrate his team's victory in a fierce game of Candy Land. He had this to say to reporters onhand:
"You [ ]ing pansies in LA got nothing, man! the Post-CandyLand riot of 2000 makes your [ ]ing [ ] seem as tame as playing chess against a blind midget with cerebral palsy! As I tore across that [ ] playground, setting fires, slashing kick-balls and pulling the girls' hair, I saw God, Jack. I saw his [ ]ing dirty face, and I [ ]ing spit in it, man!"
before being dragged away by the hall monitor. Ms. Sweeney, the distraught teacher, was unavailable for comment.
I guess it's not all chalked up to video games and pixie sticks anymore, folks. No more using the excuse that Donkey Kong made your kid shoot his science teacher in the kneecaps. Even when you go outside and play nice, healthy outdoor sports full of fun and fresh air, like basketball, no good can come of it. In fact, the only good thing that will reult from this whole ordeal is that, now that Shaq's done winning championships, he can get back to the important things -- making movies!! can we say KaZaam! 2?
-------------the SpaceCow-----------------------------
==="Man, leave it to the Catholics to destroy all of existence."===
More of the SpaceCow
Home is where the heart is.