Hiya, gals n' pals, I figured I'd send everybody a little something to commemorate Valentine's Day. A little compilation of a few of the things in those annoying chain letters, along with some stuff of my own. Along with Thanksgiving, this's really one of my favorite holidays, because it's one of the few where people actually admit how selfish we are and have a holiday just for us; not a holiday celebrating the liberty of a nation, not celebrating the birth of a great person: It's where people show how much another person (or people) mean to them, even if the other 6 billion people on this rock don't even care. And, following Christmas, it has more suicides than any other day of the year. I hate people killing themselves, but I always like the irony of people killing themselves on days of celebration.
Anyhow, enough of my rant (save it for later...)
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The Love Quiz
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1. What three household items are your idea for a romantic
evening?
a)A roll of duct tape, a can of beans and some pliers.
b) A wig, an umbrella and some jumper cables.
c) A snow globe, a water gun and some piano wire
2. When you're whispering in your loved one's ear, how might
they respond?
a) "How dare you talk about my momma!"
b) "Can you move? I can't see the television."
c) "Yes, I paid the light bill."
3. Which Stooge best describes how you and your partner fool
around?
a) Curly - active and full of energy
b) Moe - abusive and mean
c) Larry - you know..
4.Which of the following is your idea of a romantic meal?
a) Double Quarter Pounder with cheese Meal from McDonalds.
b) The Big Beef Burrito Supreme Meal from Taco Bell
c)An order of Buffalo Wings from Domino's pizza
5. What is your favorite part of your lover's body?
a) The part they can put behind their head.
b) The part they put in your ear.
c) The part that can fix your dinner
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The 10 Commantments for Couples
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I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before
me.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy
Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back.
III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.
IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.
V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me
embarrassed to be seen with thee.
VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about
it if thou knowest what's good for thee.
VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in thy
bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls
from my telephone.
VIII.Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's
house.
X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or daughter,
nor stereo, nor BMW.
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My Views on Relationships
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Relationships is one place where humans are unlike anything I've ever seen; and I think we really got the short end of the stick. What it takes a person months, years, time and energy, pining, yearning, eveything else in the gamut of emotions, thousands of dollars, and countless hours in therapy, a dog can decide with one good, long sniff. 3 seconds, tops.
And to help us make this decision, we have dates. Group dates, social dates, study dates, double dates, friendly dates, dinner dates, and pitted sweetened dates. and, as I see it, a date is just a job interview that lasts all night. The first few dates are about impressing people; in fact, on the first few dates, the two people involved don't even meet: they let their representatives meet. And the two people that they wish they were finally convince each other that they want to find out a little taste of just how sociopathic the people really are. and that's the thing that really intrigues me about dating.
You know what the only difference is between the average woman and Charles Manson? Charles Manson has the common decency to tell you he's a lunatic! He won't string you along for years and years like most people; you could tell within 5 minutes what he was like if you were on a date with him. You'd be sitting there waiting for entrees, thinking "Why is he buttering his chair?"......... "He just got a children's menu... and ordered a child!"
I wonder if maybe if dating went a little smoother, we wouldn't have quite as many people climbing to the top of water towers with high-powered rifles thinning out society. I say if you want to make everything simpler, on the first date, that the guy and the girl both write down all their problems on cards. And they each take turns laying down cards and announcing what a psychopath they are:
"I'm depressive; I can never get out of bed"
"I'm a nymphomaniac; I'll make sure you never get out of bed"
"I'm too jealous; I'll steal all your friends"
"I'm a kleptomaniac; I'll steal your VCR"
"I'm neurotic; I need other people"
"I'm schizophrenic; I *AM* other people!!"
Still, I don't mean to sound cynical and bitter, far from it. I'd like to find a great girl, and get married, and have a house, a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a dog. Except maybe not that cliche'd; I'd want something unusual, but still convenient. Actually, I'd really like to marry an orphan. First of all, there'd never be any in-law problems. Second, there'd never be annoying Thanksgiving and Christmas visits sitting around pretending to enjoy the company of a couple of fifth-generation nitwits. In fact, when it comes to visiting her folks, the worst thing that might happen is maybe a quick trip to the cemetery, buy some cheap flowers. And I might even be able to get outta that if I claim a morbid fear of headstones.
That's it for this time around. Until next time I get this bored,