The Conductor
The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake
while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience
doesn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew
he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once
the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience
and said "ladies and gentleman, this is my last performance as a
world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."
After a few minutes of silence from the shocked audience and
orchestra, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked
from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in
between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't," his
manager said, "you're not retiring."
Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week
of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one
night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said
"dear, would you be able to get me a small hand gun?" "Yes
dear," she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep.
Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with
the small hand-gun concealed in the his jacket. Once the concert
had finished, he turned to the audience and said "I'm announcing
my retirement for the second time. This is my last performance."
The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted "you
can't be serious!" The conductor whipped out his hand gun
and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police
arrived and the conductor was taken away.
Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead
to the charge of first-degree murder?" the judge inquired.
"Guilty your honor," the conductor replied. "Do you realize
that the sentence for first degree murder in this state is death
by electrification?" the judge added. The conductor thought for
a moment, but came to the conclusion that death would surely be
better than continuing on like he was. "Yes your honor," the
conductor said.
While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards
came to the conductor and said "you may have one last request
before we terminate your life. What would you like?" After
pondering for a few seconds, the conductor replied "a silver
platter with a dozen bananas." His request was granted, and the
conductor scoffed the bananas. The room was emptied, and the
switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end, but he
survived! As one guard was about the flick the switch again,
he was stopped. "He survived the chair and the law says we have
to let him go."
The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his
manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work,"
his manager said. More weeks of forced conducting went by.
Lying in bed again one night with wife, he asked "dear,
could you get me a grenade?" "Yes dear," she replied.
At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of
the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his pants. "For the
third time, I'm annoucing my retirement!" he yelled. The
conductor took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it
into the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of
the crowd. The police arrived, and he was taken away again.
"You again?" the judge asked, "I thought I'd sentenced you to
death not long ago?" The conductor shrugged. "Ok, how do you
plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?" the judge said.
"Guilty on all counts", the conductor replied.
While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the
current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another
last reuqest. "A silver platter with 2 dozen bananas" was his
answer. He scoffed the bananas, the room was evacuated and the
switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd manage to kill him
this time, but their fears were realized when the conductor
regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body.
His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting
for him as his left the building. "Back to work."
The weeks dragged on, and the conductor had all that he could
take. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?" he asked his
wife as they lay in bed. "Yes dear," she replied.
It was all too much for the conductor, and he didn't even wait
for the concert to start. He launched a missile into the New York
Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190 odd band members. The army was called
in this time, and he was dragged away.
"You again! You're supposed to be DEAD!" the judge roared. The conductor
just shrugged. "May I ask how you plead to 190 counts of first degree
murder?" "Guilty as sin!" the conductor screamed, "they deserved it!" The
conductor was hauled away.
A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning
that there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the cities'
electrical engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity
they could into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor
was granted a last request. "Three dozen bananas on a silver
platter," he said. He scoffed the bananas, the building was
completely vacated, and the electric chair was activated by
remote control, two miles away. The building exploded,
reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find
the conductor's ruined body.
His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being
lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid. Women
fainted as the conductor crawled out of the coffin--alive!
He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up
and asked "you've survived three visits to the electric chair.
How did you do it?"
"I've tried telling people before," he said.
"I'm just a bad conductor."