The Drinker's Fault-Finding Guide
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste;
shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong
part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror.
Continue
with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer
unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Room is spinning.
Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while
complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
Fault: Drooling on yourself.
Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone
else.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not,
complain loudly that you are being hijacked.
Sympton: Bar looks like a circus.
Fault: You're at a circus.
Solution: Go to a bar.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your
drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you
to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth
and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You
cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not
treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: PANIC!!