What's the difference between Mike Modano and God? God doesn't think he is Mike Modano.

Teemu Selanne and Chris Pronger accidentally walked into a gay bar.  They were barely seated when a man walked up to Teemu and asked him to dance.   Horrified, he turned to Pronger and whispered, "Help me out of this!"   So Prongs grabs the guy and slams him up against the wall and mumbles something menacingly into his face.  Once let out of his clutches, the guy apologized and hurried away.  Wow, Teemu thinks, I love my new protector!!  Relieved, he turns to Chris and says, "What did you say to him?"  Prongs shrugged and replied, "Told him we're on our honeymoon."

On Vincent LeCavalier’s Answering machine: Hi! This is Vinnie! If you are my parents, I already sent the money. If you are my agent, settle this thing about the money. If you are Dean Lombardi, I don’t have enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

How do you prevent a Pittsburgh Penguins  player from robbing your home? Put a net in front of it.

The teacher asked all her third-graders to describe what their fathers did for a living, and got the usual suspects: policemen, construction, truckers, officer workers, etc.  When she got to little Joe, he refused to answer.  "Come on now, Joey, it's your turn," the teacher coaxed.  Little Joe rolled his eyes, then finally said, "Fine.  My Dad is a stripper in a gay cabaret.  He dances in skimpy costumes for tips from older men, and sometimes if the offer is right, he'll let them have their way with him in the alley."  The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on a small assignment, then led Joe out of the classroom. "Joey," she said, with wide eyes, "Is that true about your father?" "Nah," he sighed. "My Dad plays for the Los Angeles Kings.  I just didn't want to admit that in front of the other kids."

An Edmonton fan, a Dallas fan, a Detroit fan and an Avalanche fan all climbed Mount Everest together, and at the summit, looked over the edge in wonder.  The Edmonton fan shouts suddenly, "This is for the Oilers!!" and jumps off the cliff.  Not wanting to be outdone, the Dallas fan screams, "This is for the Stars!" and also jumps off.  The Avalanche fan looks shocked for a moment, then walks over to the Red Wings fan, and shoves him right off the mountain, yelling, "And that's for hockey fans everywhere!

Why doesn't Jesus play hockey? He's scared to get nailed to the boards.

Ed Belfour goes into a bar (huge surprise) and the bartender tells him there is a standing offer for all patrons -- free liquor to anyone who can pass their ultimate test.  So naturally, Eddie asks what the test is.  "Well," the barkeep says, "First you drink an entire gallon of our home-brewed moonshine all at once, without stopping or throwing up.  Second, we got a gator out back with a sore tooth, and somebody has to take it out.  Third, we got a woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm, and you gotta go take care of her. "Done," Says Eddie arrogantly, "I can drink anything and still pull off miracles, you're on!" So he grabs the moonshine, downs it in only a few gulps, then staggers outside, shrieking, "Here gator gator gator!" The rest of the bar patrons hear roaring and thumping and the most god-awful hollering and thrashing about, then sudden silence. Eddie stumbles back into the bar, his shirt torn, bleeding from one eye and shouts, "Now where is that bitch with the sore tooth?!"

Matthew Barnaby returned early from a road trip, and went home to find his wife in bed with another man. "What in the hell are you doing?" Matt screamed as he dropped his bags. Unfazed, his wife turned to her lover and said as she rolled her eyes, "See...  I told you he was stupid."

How do you get all the European skaters into the corners? Start a brawl at center ice.

A child stands in court before a judge. His parents are divorcing and the judge is about to decide which parent will have custody.  "Would you like to live with your mother?" The judge asks.  "No! She beats me every night!" "Then you can go live with your father." "No! He beats me every night too! I don't want to live with him, either!" "Well if both your parents beat you, what shall we do?" The boy replied, "I want to live with the St. Louis Blues."   Puzzled, the judge, who had been thinking perhaps another relative could take the boy, asks, "Why them?" "Because they don't beat anyone!"

Chris Chelios boarded a flight, sat down next to a gorgeous woman and noticed she was reading a manual about sexual statistics.  "Is that an interesting book?" He asked, with that skeezy smile.  "Why yes," she said, "It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill."  Cheli replied, " Nice to meet you.  I'm Tonto Kowalski."

A man sits down in his Center Ice seat to watch game 7 of the Stanley Cup playoffs, noticing the seat beside his is empty, and stayed that way through the entire first period.  Finally, he leans over and asks the man on the other side of it, "Is anyone sitting there?" "Nope," the man shook his head.  "It's going to stay empty." "That's incredible!  Who in their right mind would have a seat at center ice for the final game of the Cup finals and not use it?!" "Well, actually, the seat belongs to my wife, but she passed away.  This is the first Stanley Cup game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1958." "Oh, I'm so sorry.  That's terrible!  But couldn't you find anyone else to come tonight... a relative, or friend?" "Nah... they're all at the funeral."