A Tribute to Contra

Stage 3 -- Evil Waterfall of Death and Gloom

This stage is a tad different from the first two (Konami really pulled out all the stops) in that the whole level scrolls from bottom to top. You still get to run around and shoot people, however, and that's all that really counts. In this level you'll encounter some old favorites from the first stage: namely, the football players and gun turrets. Of interesting note this time around, there is a variation on the average foot soldier-- it's a scuba diver! These guys pop up now and then and shoot some explosive balls into the air before resubmerging under the water. My question is: How in the holy hell do these scuba diving soldiers stay in one place? This level is, after all, one big continuous VERTICAL WATERFALL. These guys must be pumping their legs like crazy, and yet, they seem to have no trouble rising up out of the water to fire off a shot and then quickly darting back under. I'm fixing to have an aneurysm just thinking about it. Ah well, if you've already done what I told you to do, then reason should be long gone. It's so much easier when you don't have to think. But then again, I wouldn't have much to write about, now would I?
Near the top of the waterfall, you start to encounter giant boulders that drop ostensibly from nowhere. Not that it really matters, mind you, but wouldn't it be really cool to come across a giant rock monster, only to discover that the boulders being dropped were really fragments from his massive stone testicles? Well, I think it would be cool. Trust me, more people would've played the game had it incorporated giant rock men with massive stone testicles. Chicks dig that.

Well, it's about goddamned time. A boss that really does look like an ALIEN! I must admit, this thing is pretty cool. Attack options at its disposal include strange segmented arms with spiked balls on the ends, fire bubbles from those same spiked balls, and a three fire bubble spreadshot emission from its gaping mouth. The whole goal of this battle is to shoot the head of the boss while avoiding the flame balls (aka instant death). I'm not sure if you have to shoot the mouth when it's open, or just the head in general. Well hell, it's not like there's a precise strategy here. You jump and fire until either the boss dies or you see the continue screen. So who cares.
Also, notice the rocks lining the sides of the fortress. Perhaps this location is the source for the boulders seen (and felt) during the ascent of the waterfall? Well, if so, isn't that so boring? I'm telling you, massive stone testicles is the way to go. Creativity and perversion, man.
After you've deposited enough ammunition into your dead alien bitch account, the front wall of the fortress explodes, revealing the entrance to the next level. Now look guys, I'm no master engineer, but why does the wall blow up when you kill the alien? Personally, I would love to have some buff dudes come kill my alien, only to realize that the wall is not just going to OPEN UP for them like Pamela Anderson's thighs in front of camera. Not a bad idea, eh? Let them waste their energy on some huge alien and then laugh as they have to search for the door. Mwahahahah DAMN, I'd make such a good bad guy.

Stage 4 -- Big Bad Fortress #2

I dont really plan on spending much time talking about this level, mainly because it's nearly identical to the first fortress. The only real differences include more colorful plastic ammunition headed your way than before, more rolling pins, and these flashing squares that protect the flashing spheres. So basically, you get to do more jumping and more ducking and more shooting. Honestly, there's really nothing more to talk about here except for, perhaps, the boss. Once you get past the obligatory turret and flashing weakpoint demolition, you will find that the mysterious Blue Eye from Heck has been replaced by the Twin Heads from Heck. Actually, I don't even know if those are heads I'm looking at. Maybe they're little pods containing faceless white guys who blow red and blue bubbles. Sounds good to me. Basically, these two heads/pods/washing machines/whatever split into multiple image, all the while firing floating bubbles at you. You can only damage these things when they aren't split images, so it's pretty much jump and fire until your thumbs either bruise or fall off. To compound your thumb problems, you have these fucking red birdmen that jump at you from above. Judging from my change in language, you can probably tell that these winged assholes serve only to piss you off. Ugh, fire fire fire, bang bang bang, boom boom boom. Hopefully you'll blow this thing up before your hands goes into seizure. If you do, you get treated to another ride on the Magical Elevator to your next destination......... the next level! Duh.

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INTRODUCTION

Unless you've had your head up your ass since 1987, you've heard of Contra, the biggest and baddest mofo among all the console videogame forefathers (Yes, I'm referring to the games designed for the NES [Nintendo Entertainment System] on out, as the old Atari 7600 and its ilk hardly qualify as a form of playable video entertainment). Originally an arcade game, Contra was ported to the Nintendo in 1988 by its original developer, Konami. It featured 2-D side-scrolling levels (for you youngins, yes, there was actually life before 3-D), a nice selection of offensive weapons, colorful bosses and levels, and most importantly-- the option for simultaneous play. Teaming up with a friend and shooting the living crap out of pixelized aliens was a literal religion for many young players, myself included, and sadly the opportunity to experience the same camaraderie on console systems today is almost a relic of the past.
Players got to play through eight different levels-- six of them side-scrolling, and two of them sorta "back-scrolling", as programmers toyed with the arcane practice of 3-D. Each level ended with a new boss, one whose defeat would take the gamer one step closer to the ultimate endboss, the Red Falcon-- an alien whose name struck fear into the hearts of field mice everywhere yet did not seem to affect the average 8-year old budding commando. Gamers had three lives with which to battle the armies of Red Falcon, with the possibility of adding more by amassing points via the mindless slaughter of anything lacking chiseled abs and a chic blue or read headband. If earning points just wasn't your thang, or you just plain sucked ass, then you had three continues at your disposal with which to corroborate your crappiness. Overall, the game was moderately challenging and, judging by today's standards, probably still is. Regardless, Contra will always stand as one of the finest games ever crafted, and I hope that this article serves as a testament to that fact.

Stage One -- Jungle Fever

Every shooting game in the history of videogaming has had a jungle stage, and Contra is no exception. This level is the first of six side-scrollers, where you run from left to right killing everything in your path until you come to a blockade, and then you kill it too. It is in this stage that the player is first introduced to weapon containers, strange metal footballs that fly through the air along a sine curve and reveal a certain weapon of mass destruction when shot. I use the term "mass destruction" loosely, as just about any weapon in Contra is better than the vicious confetti gun you get at the outset.
The first part of this level can be spent on either the high road or the low road. If you opt to go low, you get to run through waist-deep water, getting your legs munched on by some five-eyed leech with three tits, or whatever beast one might find on an "alien" island. Going for the high road, however, not only shows that you're a swell guy, but also that you've got the brass berries to traverse the three exploding bridges set up by Red Falcon. Make it past the bridges, and you get treated to one of those metal footballs containing a weapon much stronger than what you would get from taking the low road (yes, a big metal twig to go with your brass berries). Also, while you've got a nice screenshot to look at, take a moment a observe the treeline. Anyone else find it funny that your character is as tall as the tallest tree in the jungle? I guess that's what happens when you take the 'roids. (Steroids, incidentally, would also explain the commandos' proclivity to compensate for their small manhoods by snatching up guns the size of Rhode Island).
Anyway, along the course of the stage, you get to shoot at one of two things: foot soldier aliens and wall-mounted gun turrets. The turrets turn out to be pretty ordinary, but the foot soldiers seem to be an attempt at a social statement. Notice how it looks like they are wearing shoulder pads. Notice how they do little more than charge at the guys holding extremely large guns. Notice how they adroitly deceive the men with big guns by jogging a beeline off the nearest cliff to their doom! Obviously, Konami modeled Contra's most common enemy after a professional football player. It makes sense, given that the intelligence level of the average pro football player is low enough to allow him to run head-first into very large solid objects without the cognitive capacity to anticipate the consequences. Hmm, how deep. Perhaps the Konami programmers got picked on in high school.

Once you reach the end of the first stage, you not only fight a rather large boss, but you also find trees larger than you. Coincidence?! You decide.
So here it is, the first boss in Contra. Not very alien is it? Well, those deadly shiny red balls it shoots look kinda alien.... I guess... maybe if you cock your head a little to the left..... eh, who knows. Perhaps they're devastating biobubbles filled with toxic flesh-eating microorganisms from the planet Neptune that make you bleed to death from the anus. Or maybe they're plastic balls akin to the ones used on American Gladiators to put contestants' eyes out. Or maybe they're red M&M's, and just by virtue of being so damn chocolately, they cause instantaneous tooth decay and subsequent nervous system failure. Or maybe I'm a complete idiot and I'm looking to far into this. My vote's with American Gladiators.
You know, for being the first boss to grace the Contra series, this thing's a pussy and a half. You basically plug away at the big inconspicuous FLASHING RED CIRCLE on the front wall until it blows up. (Note to future evil warlords, big aliens, et al.: When building a fortress, avoid labeling weakpoints with HUGE FLORESCENT COLORED CIRCLES. By doing so, you tend to give the opposition quite an advantage; that is, unless that opposition is a squad of your own dumbass foot soldiers, in which case your fortress could probably spend the greater part of its time blowing holes in itself and still be an effective blockade.

STAGE 2 -- BIG BAD FORTRESS #1

Once this stage begins, the most astute gamers among you will discover that the practiced ritual of running from left to right no longer applies here. For the rest of you, sadly, this stage will probably cause you to spend twenty minutes pressed up against the rocks to your right, jumping and shooting frantically, after which you slam the controller against the wall, snap it in half, and bash the remaining plastic pieces with your suffused fists, all the while screaming "FUCKIN' GLITCH!!" If you happen to be one of these people, I suggest a career in politics.
Each "room" in this level consists of your player in the front shooting at shit in the back. The enemy force is a melange of wall turrets, deadly rolling cylinders, grenadiers that look to be a cross between Gumby and a lit match, and more of those subtle flashing weakpoints. The objective in each room is to shoot the flashing blue or red light at the back with extreme prejudice until it blows a hole in the rear wall, thereby shutting off the visible, yet harmless laser beam barrier and affording a passage to the next room. The plan of attack is therefore rather simple: All you gotta do is fire away while avoiding grenades, rolling cylinders, and little white circles fired by the turrets. Rinse and repeat. Obviously, a commando equipped with a Fire or Spreader Gun would make quick work of this short level, but this time he can't just keep an eye out for those fanciful flying footballs to provide such weaponry. Indeed, all weapons on this level are found in red Gumby soldiers. Which makes sense, seeing how popular science-fiction literature has reminded us time and time again that the average red alien often carries a very large weapon inside its chest cavity like some NRA pinata...... Hell, that doesn't make a damn bit of sense. I guess those shrewd Konami developers realized that they just couldn't have flying footballs pass from left to right through the rock walls, and so out of laziness (or from a lack of sanity) decided to give you weapons wrapped in a posh red alien exterior.

Upon blowing away the final wall of the fortress, you get to battle with what at first appears to be some large supercomputer with spreadfire turrets and yes, flashing red circles. After blowing away the four flashing circles, some strange eye creature appears and starts shooting blue circles of fire at you. This thing has to be the LEAST inspired videogame boss I've ever seen. I mean, the battle is little more than a continuation of the previous rooms, what with the wall turrets, weakpoints and yummy colored projectiles. The only real difference comes in the form of some thumping, low-quality boss music that's supposed to convince you that you're really in some intense action movie, and that every shot you take might be your last. Yeah, right. As far as I'm concerned, the only way to ratchet up the intensity of this battle is to drink about 5 gallons of Coke, and then try to avoid pissing your pants while some big hairy guy named Georgie uses your bladder as a punching bag.
After destroying the Blue Eye from Heck, you get a free ride to the next level on a magically appearing elevator. How this thing works is anyone's guess, but by now I think you can go ahead and dump the rest of reason out the window. It only gets weirder, folks.