Upon viewing the sequel to the original Austin Powers movie, it suffices to say I was less than impressed. The Spy Who Shagged Me basically took every last funny joke from the first movie and quoted it word for freakin' word, albeit in a somewhat different context. In addition to this blatant lack of creativity, the wonderful Elizabeth Hurley was replaced with the fatuous Heather Graham, who displayed an acting performance so insipid and disturbingly trite that it's a wonder she ever landed a role in a film not destined for the local sewage treatment plant. Mixed in together with that stupid Mini-Me character, The Spy Who Shagged Me served little more than to leave me with an involuntary grasping reflex in both of my hands stemming from my desperate attempts to crush my head between them as sweet release from this cinematic disease. Therefore, you can probably guess that for quite some time I've been waiting for the Austin Powers series to redeem itself and return to its former glory.
Eh, close enough. Goldmember has a horrible bad half, but a great good half, and that's one good half more than the last Austin Powers movie certainly had.
I actually fell asleep during the first 20-30 minutes of Goldmember, mainly due to the seemingly incessant pervasion of musical interludes. I don't particularly care for musicals as it is, but a Mike Myers musical for me is the equivalent of a having my nuts crushed between two encyclopedias. It's painful. It's senseless. And if I knew it was about to happen, I would run for the bloody hills…..
……or just fall asleep. And that's exactly what I chose to do. I'm sorry, but watching Mike Myers contort his face and limbs like Gumby on crystal meth is about as exciting as watching Jim Carrey do similar physical comedy-- it's entertaining the first couple of times, but then you gradually become desensitized and just stop caring one way or the other. In fact, nearly every scene of Goldmember involving Austin Powers and/or his bitch Foxxy Cleopatra (Beyonce) helps to constitute the figurative "smelly ass" of the movie. These scenes were either unfunny, hackneyed, interminable, or an unhealthy combo meal of all three. I guess all I can really say at this point is that I bet Mike Myers is thanking his lucky stars that he dreamt up his Dr. Evil character, or Austin Powers 3 would've probably never made it to the theaters.
Indeed, Dr. Evil's scenes are by far the best of the movie. In fact, I enjoyed them so much that my hatred for the Austin Powers/Foxxy Cleopatra/etc side of the movie was mercifully abated. There's just something about the way the character holds himself, or how he perceives things, that will never get old. Even watching him get a large swinging plastic globe in the crotch is funny again and again. I guess in the process of creating a funny character, you sometimes strike gold. Of course, there are a few rehashed jokes here and there (a Mike Myers staple, so it seems), but overall the humor is alive and entertaining when Dr. Evil's around.
I feel that my time would be better spent writing about the new characters to the Austin Powers series, rather than discussing the plot, which is stupid and doesn't matter anyway. To my knowledge, there are only three additions, and perhaps a fourth that showed up during the twenty minutes I spent sawing logs on the futon. If so, I probably wouldn't care anyway. Three paragraphs is a reasonable amount of space to spend on character discussion.
The first addition is Foxxy Cleopatra, Austin's new partner. It's not like Beyonce had any big shoes to fill by any means, but for the love of God, will you cut it with this female tough guy shit?? Elizabeth Hurley showed poise and skill without ever trying to make it apparent. Beyonce tries to act tough by throwing out the mandatory "UHN UHN" or "I DON'T THINK SO, HONEY" in a brute voice that make her seem lame and shallow. Of course, "shallow" is a relative term when it comes to low-brow humor like this, but even bathroom-humoresque movies have standards. In short, Beyonce's character is almost nearly as bad as Heather Graham's. In addition to her being about as threatening as a cabbage leaf, there's no sexual electricity or charisma or anything in her portrayal. In fact, Goldmember would've been improved simply by excising the Foxxy character from the script.
The second new character is Austin's father, Nigel Powers (played oddly by Michael Caine). Now, I'm aware that Goldmember has more celebrity cameos than any movie I can remember, but why would a great actor like Michael Caine choose to play a character in a stupid humor movie for more than just a few seconds? Certainly he must have some pride? I guess in his old age, he is experiencing those momentary lapses in good judgment (can anything else explain his participation in On Deadly Ground with Steven Seagal?). Or perhaps it's a desperate vie for attention. I would certainly hope not, seeing that those desperate extremes are reserved for desperate people like Rob Schneider and other ex-Saturday Night Live cast members. Although I am willing to admit that Caine is funny in Goldmember....... still, Caine, dude, there are better comedies out there for you.
On the evil side, the newest bad guy in the series is none other than Goldmember (Mike Myers), the Dutch equivalent of Auric Goldfinger from the James Bond series. WOW, this guy was totally unfunny. Wow. I can't recall smiling even once during his lines. Not even a little smirk. Wow. I guess watching some guy peel skin from his neck and eat it while speaking with a Dutch accent is supposed to be funny? I think Mike Myers is suffering from that disease where you come up with a great idea, and then assume that every subsequent idea will be great as well, so then you keep coming up with shitty ideas, and they all suck, and nobody likes them, but you have a disease, and you can't grasp the fact that you're a pathetic idiot with shitty ideas, and that you should just stop breathing and go bury yourself in the ground. Yeah, that sounds about right. I think Mike Myers should can the new characters and just stick with what works. News flash: the Goldmember idea BLOWS.
In its favor, I should mention that the opening scene of Goldmember is actually really funny and ingenious. You know, if the fourth installment of the Austin Powers series (no doubt there will be another one) starred the four actors and actresses seen in this one scene, it might even win an Academy Award. Let's just say it's a great start to the movie, but it should not be taken as an indication of Goldmember's overall quality.
I'm serious. Cut out Austin Powers, Foxxy Cleopatra, Mini-Me, and Goldmember (ironic, given the title) from the movie, and you'd actually have a decent form of comedic entertainment. If this film had starred only Nigel Powers, Dr. Evil, and Dr. Evil's crew, I would've given this film an A-. Simple as that. |
